Sirius Black and the Muggle Radio

Sirius Black was a highly unusual boy in many ways. For one thing, he hated his family and didn't even live with them; he lived with his best friend, James Potter. For another, he really, really liked to play pranks, but by July 12th he had driven Mrs. Potter so crazy he had been kicked out of the kitchen permanently. And he also happened to be a wizard.

It was nearly three o'clock, and he was lying on his stomach in the grass, underneath the huge elm tree in the Potter's back yard, a stick in one hand and his head in the other. Sirius moved the tip of the stick across the dirt in front of him, scratching aimless circles and lines in the dirt, frowning as he wished, again, for something to do.

His stick stopped half an inch above the ground, and he stabbed at it fiercely. "I'm bored," he announced to the world at large, but no one answered him. His best friend, James Potter, was sitting about three feet away, A History of Magic open before him, a parchment balanced on A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration in his lap. He was humming absently, and pushed up his glasses as he peered down at the page. "I'm bored," Sirius repeated. He rolled over and sat up. "James, I wanna prank someone."

"Mum already kicked us out of the kitchen," James said without looking up. "Why was the goblin rebellion important to the feudal system?"

"I don't care," Sirius said viciously, throwing his stick across the garden. "Don't ask me that rubbish."

"You could always do your homework," James said half-heartedly, knowing it would get him nowhere.

Sirius scoffed at him. "James, I never do any of it until I get on the train going back to school, where I can get Lily's help."

James rolled his eyes. "Honestly," he muttered. "I think the only reason you like my girlfriend is because she does all your work for you."

"Not all of it," Sirius protested. "Just helps me finish up the end bit."

There was silence for a bit while Sirius drew some random half-hearted triangles in the dirt. James sat up and tapped his paper. "Look. If you know it all, answer this: what did the goblin rebellion have to do with the mass crop circle sightings?"

"They set those moon-cow thingies loose, remember?" Sirius sighed. "If you have such a smart girlfriend, why do you ask me?"

"I thought you wanted something to do!"

"Something interesting!"

James rolled his eyes. "I'll tell you what--go clean out Dad's shed." He gestured to the infamous rickety building over on the other side of the yard. Mr. Potter fancied himself an inventor, and had erected the shed in the backyard three years ago, and since then he had accumulated three years worth of junk; Mrs. Potter was convinced half of it was going to eat her someday and was always telling him to: "clean out that awful shed." Mr. Potter, in turn, had passed on the invitation to James and Sirius, who had been disinclined to acquiest to his request as they held the shed in the same fear Mrs. Potter did.

Sirius stared over at the building. "Now?" he asked, staring at James. James gave him a funny look and shook his head.

"Yes, now, you're bored right now, aren't you?"

Sirius stared at it again apprehensively. "It won't...eat me, will it?" he asked. James rolled his eyes.

"No, it won't eat you, yes, it's something to do, and if you clean it out and get rid of most of it, you might get us back in Mum's good graces and she'll let us in the kitchen again!"

"Really?" Sirius asked, brightened by this idea. He stared at it again and doubt crept into his eyes, then he sighed and stood up. "Very well, I'll do it. But if I die of something illegal or hazardous, you better make sure your Dad doesn't get arrested for it," he said dubiously before starting off across the lawn. James rolled his eyes and went back to his homework.

Sirius opened the door to the rickety old shed and peered in. The shed was larger on the inside than it looked outside, like most things in the wizarding world, and every corner seemed packed with things. Sirius picked up something by the door half-fearfully, but it was still in his hand. He turned it over in fascination--it was a long tube, part of it black, part of it metal, and there was a clip that made part of the metal open. He pushed the button experimentally and watched it open, almost like a round pair of scissors.

"What's it for?" he wondered aloud, pulling on a long string coming from the end. He shrugged and put it back on the boxes, opening them. These boxes were full of old newspapers, but Sirius saw with great amazement that none of these pictures in the papers moved. "What's wrong with them?" he asked the empty room. "Did the charm wear off or what?" He poked one, but nothing happened, so he shrugged and shut the lid.

Something scurried among the boxes behind him and Sirius stifled a scream, turning around just in time to see what looked like a silverish-gray cat--a Kneazle, really--jump from off a box. "Hey Cassandra," he said to it, relaxing. "You scared me!"

Cassandra gave him a reproachful glance and settled down on top of something large and round that looked like a circle on top of a box. Sirius pushed a button experimentally on it, and the poor Kneazle yelped as it began to turn around. Sirius hastily pushed the button again, but Cassandra gave him a haughty look and stalked off to sit on the rug by the door. Sirius grinned and abandoned the machine, plunging forward now eagerly into the depths of the shed.

He found a deck of cards that just sat there (which he thought were the most useless cards ever,) a collection of strings with two prongs at the end that looked like they connected to each other, an odd cylinder thing that made a mark when Sirius scratched it on the wall....a pen? He picked up a thing that looked like a minature human, but it didn't even walk in his hand. "Who would want all this junk?" he wondered aloud to the room.

There was one thing that looked like an L with a trigger attached, and when he pulled the trigger air came out of one end. It, too, had one of those string-things, but this one was attached to the wall. There was one clock that was running backwards, numbered to 24 and perverse of all the laws of clockness--it read half past fifteen. But the best thing of all came last in the room, lying on a table at the very end, cleaner than everything else and full of evidence it had been the thing being worked upon.

Sirius stared at it intently; it had a line in front, numbered from eighty to one hundred and eight, and a little tag was currently sitting in front of ninety-six and a little bit more. There was a sliding button on the side, lettered with the words: "ON/OFF", slid currently to the "OFF" position. Another sliding button beside it read: "AM/FM", currently set to FM. There was a twisting knob beside the line that read: "TUNING", and one more above it that read: "VOLUME." A large, thin silver thing stuck up out the back of it like a shiny wand.

Sirius twirled the volume knob all the way up, but nothing happened. After studying it a bit, he pushed the "OFF/ON" switch over to "ON."

Cassandra yowled and ran from the shed and Sirius put his hands over his ears as music came blasting out over the room full blast: "--SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOVE ME AND LEAVE ME TO DI-IE! OOH, BABY! CAN'T DO THIS TO ME BABY! JUST GOTTA GET OUT, JUST GOTTA GET RIGHT OUT OF HE-RE!"

Sirius frantically turned the volume knob down to inaudibility and took a deep breath. James poked his head in the door. "Sirius? What was that?"

"Nothing!" Sirius called, turning the knob up a little bit. "James, you have to see this!"

James stepped forward into the shed, eyeing towers of boxes dubiously, but someone interrupted him. "James Potter!"

Sirius and James both poked their heads out the door. Mrs. Potter was standing on the back porch, looking over for them. "Oh, there you are. James, I want you to come with me to the grocery store, Sirius...what are you boys doing? Cleaning out the shed?"

Sirius nodded energetically and James shook his head just as energetically. Mrs. Potter rolled her eyes. "James, you come with me, and Sirius, you stay here, all right? Have fun, be careful of the doxies that are in there, and put out milk for Cassandra at five if we're not back." Mrs. Potter pushed a strand of brown hair out of her face. "Oh, and Sirius? Can you return the measuring cup to Mrs Coleman next door?"

Sirius grimaced. Mrs Coleman was a busybody, but that wasn't the worst of it. Busybodies Sirius could handle, but Mrs Coleman's daughter Nicole was a Goth. In Sirius's opinion, any Goth was just as bad or worse than a Slytherin.

James made his way across the yard, and Sirius shouted at him: "I'll be praying for you, James!"

"Very funny," Mrs. Potter said wryly. "Come on James, we don't have all day!"

James and Mrs. P (as Sirius called her) disappeared into the house and Sirius went back to the shed. The thing in the corner was now not music, and Sirius turned it up to listen to what was being said.

"That was Queen with the Bohemian Rhapsody right here on ninety-six point three, Rock FM. I'm Ray, your DJ, and up next we have Joni Mitchell and her hit, Put Up a Parking Lot. Stay tuned for another great blast of music right after this."

Sirius stared at it. "Hello?" he said to the radio. "Can you hear me?"

Music had started again, but this time it was background music, interrupted by words. "Have you ever felt depressed?"

"No," Sirius said, staring at it.

"Do you ever feel nervous? Worried? Alone? Clinical depression is a serious medical problem today."

Sirius was starting to get freaked out. "Why are you talking to me?" he demanded, but he was interrupted.

"Pracebin is a drug specifically made to combat clinical depression. If you think you might be depressed, talk to your doctor today about Pracebin to get your life back."

Sirius had by now figured out that the machine couldn't talk to back to him or hear him. "It must be like a one-way thing," he murmured.

Now, a far more scary thing had come on the radio. Little munchkin voices were singing over a very cheery, annoying tune that made Sirius's eyes widen as he listened to it. "Comet! It makes your breath so clean, Comet! It tastes like Listerene! Comet! It makes you vomit! So take some Comet, and vomit, today!"

Sirius was in heaven. "Comet! It makes your breath so clean!" he sang happily, but was interrupted by another commercial.

"Milk builds strong bones and teeth."

Before the commerical could finish itself, Sirius had smacked himself in the forehead. He ran out of the shed to hastily pour Cassandra some milk, and when he set the saucer in front of her, she meowed at him reproachfully. "Sorry," he said hastily, then ran inside and grabbed the measuring cup off the table.

It was only a block to Mrs Coleman's house, and Sirius was dreading every step with the inevitable confrontation at the end. Mrs Coleman always invited him in for tea and demanded to know about his love life, grades, and asked his age every time she saw him. She was also very deaf and Sirius had told her he was one hundred and seven at least three times, but she never seemed to notice.

He was partially spared. When he rang the doorbell, there was a long pause before the door opened, and he cringed mentally. Nicole was standing there, Goth down to her last black toenail, purple streaks through her black hair and violent black lipstick. "Measuring cup," Sirius said stifly, handing it to her. Nicole didn't seem to notice.

"Thanks," she said, taking it. "Like your radio?" she asked casually, and Sirius stared at her.

Nicole grinned, and Sirius abruptly backed out of the doorway and ran back to the Potter's house.

Safely back at James's house, he ran back to the shed and grabbed the radio, pulling it into the house (the forbidden Kitchen, none the less) and set it on the table, turning it up. The commercials were over now, and it was music that Sirius listened to with fascination.

"They paved paradise, put up a parking lot, with a pink hotel, a booty, and a swingin' hot spot...don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone. Paved paradise, put up a parking lot!"

By the third repetition of the chrous, Sirius had it downpat. "Paved paradise, put up a parking lot!" he sang right along with her, and gave a loud: "Awww!" when the song was over. Cassandra, perched on the table, gave him a dubious look. Ray had just announced the next song (Peace Train, by Cat Stevens) when the front door opened.

"Sirius?" Mrs. P's voice rang through the hall and Sirius jumped up.

"Coming, Mrs. P!" he called, running towards her and unburdening her, taking the grocery bags.

"Don't call me Mrs. P," Mrs. Potter said absently, but it was such an old chant she hardly noticed, diving after James as he struggled to pick up a bag. "Be careful with that James, those are eggs in there--"

Sirius pushed his precious radio aside, humming out of tune with the song as he set the bags on the table. "Sirius, what is that?" James asked dubiously as he set the precious egg bag down.

"It's a radio!" Sirius said brightly. "Comet! It makes your breath so clean! Comet! It smells like Listerene! Comet! It makes you vomit! So try some comet, and vomit, today!"

"Sirius, you have problems," James said, rolling his eyes. Mrs. P walked into the room.

"We saw Mrs. Lupin at the supermarket," she said, a trifle out of breath as she hauled in the last bag.

"Is Moony coming over?" Sirius and James chroused as one.

"Yes, Remus will be coming over. James, were you planning on inviting Lily?"

James turned red and muttered something under his breath, but Mrs P beamed. "Great! We'll have a dinner party, then." She paused as she caught sight of the radio. "Sirius, what is that?"

"It's a radio!" Sirius said brightly.

"My radio?" Mrs P asked, confused. "He took my radio?"

There was a pause, and Ray was announcing casually: "...and after that, the smash hit of the summer, Brown Eyed Girl, which has been on the charts ever since...."

"A Muggle radio?" James asked in disbelief. Sirius's face lit up.

"Cool!"

"Oh no," James groaned. "You realized you've just given Sirius the key to annoying you for the rest of the summer, don't you?" he asked him mum.

Mrs P sighed. "There's nothing to do about it. Sirius, take it up to your room," she said. "I have to get dinner ready. Lily and Remus should be over shortly."

Sirius carried it up the stairs, humming to himself delightedly. "We used to sing, Sha-la-la la-la-la-la la-la-la-la te da," he sang, one beat behind the radio.

"Hey Sirius, shower before dinner!" Mrs P called up the stairs. "Maddy is bringing her fiance to dinner too and that shed is nasty!"

Sirius rolled his eyes and the radio could be heard over the shower as Sirius tried (and failed horribly) to sing along with the radio.

"Hey Mum," someone said, and James had to turn around in his seat to catch a glimpse of his sister. Fate and genetics had been good to Maddy, giving her her mother's blue eyes, father's black hair, and grandmother's pale, fair skin. She grinned at her brother and tousled his hair. James automatically reached up to push it back. "What's for dinner?" Maddy asked, swinging two large shopping bags on the table.

"What's in the bags?" James asked curiously.

"Bridesmaid dresses," Maddy said casually. "I found you a lovely peach one, James."

"What about me?" Sirius yelped from upstairs. Maddy grinned.

"I got you the infamous slinky red dress, Sirius, no fear." Sirius cheered and Maddy laughed.

"Spaghetti, of course," Mrs Potter said. "It's quick and easy to make in mass quantities."

"Mass quantities?"

"Remus and Lily are coming over," James explained.

"Excellent!" Maddy said. "We need a court meeting to discuss my terms of withdrawal and retirement."

"You're retiring?" Sirius asked, coming downstairs. His hair was wet and clothes slightly damp, but the exact same clothes he had previously been wearing.

"Moving to Ireland," Maddy said regretfully. "There's this whole marriage thing with Alistair, you know?"

"Marriage," Sirius said dismissively. "It's overrated."

The doorbell rang in the front and James jumped out of his seat, his hand going automatically to his hair as Maddy and Sirius sniggered.

"Hey...Moony?" James said, sounding disappointed.

"Glad to see you, too," Remus said wryly, stepping in. "Hey Sirius, Maddy, Mrs P."

"Hello dear," Mrs P said warmly, adding more sauce to the spaghetti, as Sirius and Maddy both added a half-hearted: "Hey Moony."

"Is your mother staying?" Mrs P asked, stepping out to peer down the hall.

"No, she's going out with Dad tonight," Remus said, occupying James's previous seat. "Sirius, what are you singing?"

"Don't get him started," James warned as he sat next to Maddy, but it was too late.

"Comet! It makes your breath so clean! Comet! It tastes like Listerene! Comet! It makes you vomit! So try some Comet, and vomit, today!" Sirius sang with great gusto.

There was a short silence.

"Where did you hear that?" Remus asked incrediously.

"He found a Muggle radio out in the shed," James explained.

"Oh," Maddy and Remus chorused together.

The doorbell rang again; James's hand jumped to his hair and he rushed to the door. "Hello...Alistair," he said, once again sounding disappointed. Alistair laughed.

"Expecting your girlfriend?" he teased.

"Yeah, actually," James said uncomfortably. Sirius and Remus snorted. Alistair grinned at Maddy and the two sat together.

"All right, I think that's enough sitting around," Mrs. P said, waving her wand. Plates floated toward them all. "Sirius, James, set the table...Remus, Maddy, would you get drinks? Alistair, if you don't care, could you help me with this bread? Your father should be home soon," she addressed James and Maddy, "so it shouldn't be long."

The doorbell rang again and James ran towards it, making one half-hearted attempt to ruffle his hair before opening it. "Hey Dad," he said dejectedly.

"Somebody sounds happy to see me," Mr. Potter said, amused. "Waiting on Lily?" James nodded and Mr. Potter laughed. "Don't get your hopes up. They always make you wait but," he dropped his tone conspiratily, "it's always worth it."

"Come on, you two, stop exchanging manly advice and set the table," Mrs P said, waving a plate at them both with a flick of her wand.

"Yes Master," Mr. Potter said humbly, setting a folder down on an in-wall desk and picking up the plates.

The doorbell rang one last time and James didn't even bother to ruffle his hair as he walked over to answer it. "Lily!" he said happily, and Lily grinned.

"Been waiting on me?"

"How could you tell?"

"You didn't ruffle your hair," Lily teased, and they both laughed.

"Okay you two lovebirds, no snogging before dinner," Sirius said. "Hurry up Prongs, I'm starving."