Bohemian Rhapsody

moment twenty-five: goodbye yellow brick road (July 13, 1978).

Severus Snape sat on the bed, absently petting at the man who lay asleep in his lap, his thin fingers smoothing the pale blond hair. He looked around the small cramped apartment, located above the squalor of Knockturn Alley, and wondered why in Merlin's name Lucius chose to come here, and why he himself chose to stay.

It was one month since he had graduated, and Severus had immediately moved in here, rather than go back to his parents in East London. His past was littered with the claustrophobic recollections of those days: his parents had made themselves a small livelihood out of running a combined Muggle and Wizard bookshop, and lived in the floorspace above it. The magical section had been concealed behind a charm to keep them safe, and Severus had been forbidden to read the Muggle books. He'd never known the reason. But he had taken up residence in the magical section and his childhood was spent amongst the stacks, reading of spells and potions and charms, idly helping his parents' keep an eye on the customers who browsed through the shelves, as Severus breathed in knowledge from the musty pages.

For his eighth birthday, his parents had saved up to give him a beginner's Potions Kit, and there had started the infatuation which had shaped his life. In Potions, there were only rules, and clear predictable outcomes for every situation. In Potions, he could excel. He'd done it not to make his parents notice or love him anymore: he was constantly aware they had, but he'd done it to fuel dreams of glory, and escape. His family was treated with contempt by the local wizard community for selling to and for Muggles, while the Muggles treated them as an odd lot, and the shop was usually graffitied on or broken into several times a year.

Severus had watched them pick up the pieces every time, with no hope, or even expectation that things would get better, so trapped were they by their own mediocrity, and he had sworn he would get out, and leave it behind, and never look back. It was one of the reasons he attached himself to Lucius, he supposed: a need to be taken out of himself, to forget his past, to scrub it out by creating a new present.

He absently scratched the raised flesh of the Dark Mark, shivering slightly at the touch. He had received it from the Dark Lord the night of his graduation, and it still itched, sometimes. That night he and Lucius had made love, over and over again, Lucius burying himself so deeply inside Severus' body that he was amazed he could walk the following day. Severus was under no illusions: he knew that Lucius would have merely said they fucked, but it was better than nothing, he supposed. In Lucius' eyes it was a political alliance, tempered by sex: the two of them supporting one another against the backstabbing mass of the Death Eaters.

The dingy flat was filled with the detritus of his life thus far: books everywhere, in boxes and on chairs. He was reduced to learning, to words on a page. On the small desk, a few Potions ingredients were set out, an urn bubbling slightly - there was always something new to research, something more he could find out, another way of exerting his control on an unruly world. He worked freelance for a middle-of-the-run apothecary's in the alley below, mixing up dubious Potions from ingredients past their use by date. The work insulted every fibre in his body, but it paid the rent. Outside, the dawn was breaking, although the window, smeared with dirt and soot from outside, barely let the light in. Severus moved imperceptibly, ready to open the window and let some fresh air in.

And just then, Lucius stirred in his sleep, nuzzling against the younger man's leg. "Please," he murmured, half asleep, "please, James, don't leave me."

Severus swallowed, and fought back tears. It was not the first time this had happened, and he doubted it would be the last. Lowering his head to Lucius' ear, he stroking the back of his neck softly, and forced his voice to remain steady, and not break. "Of course I won't leave you," he whispered softly. "I love you, Luce." He continued stroking Lucius' pale skin, the expression frozen on his face. He wouldn't have left you, you fool, Severus thought, he only did because you pushed him away.

Lucius smiled and returned to dozing, curling one free hand around the other man's back.

Severus sat there on the bed, and felt his heart break yet again. He wondered if this time, it would set properly when it mended.