All I Ever Wanted

For all the wonderful shippers on the SS Fire and Ice

-All I Ever Wanted-

I had never really imagined my life would end in the way it did. It was a little humiliating really. My death was like a joke. One of those awful, horrible jokes that you feel just a little guilty laughing about. I once heard about a Muggle who was killed by a cheese sandwich. That's right, a cheese sandwich. Ridiculous, I know. The story had me in tears; it had seemed so hilarious at the time.

So here I am. Or rather, here I'm not. I suspect I've been dead for quite a while, I don't really know. Time goes by strangely now, dancing around in loops and circles until it makes me feel dizzy and disorientated. Seconds can seem as long as eternity, yet weeks often pass so quickly I don't realise.

They've put up a little memorial for me. Here, down by the lake. A little golden plaque at the base of my favourite tree. Draco Malfoy, Slytherin. That is all it says. Three little words to sum up my entire existence.

That's all I ever was to most people, and all I'll ever be from now on.

'Well, Malfoy,' says a voice unexpectedly, making me jump.

I turn to find Potter standing there staring past me with that familiarly vacant expression, hands casually tucked into his pockets. 'You always were a stupid git.'

Great. 'Cheers, Potter,' I reply sarcastically. He doesn't react. Of course he wouldn't.

'And a slimy, rotten, conceited one too.'

I might as well let him go on. Hell, I don't really have any other choice.

'But I don't think you deserved this.'

He's right. I don't. Who would?

'I hope you're okay now anyway, wherever you are.'

'I'm not, but thanks for the concern, Potty,' I answer glumly.

He bends down and lays something small and glittering on the golden plaque. It takes a moment for me to realise what he's put down, perhaps because I wasn't expecting it.

Potter's handed me the Snitch.

'You were a pretty decent rival.'

'I wasn't really,' I tell him.

'I'll miss beating you,' he adds. 'Goodbye, Malfoy.'

And with that he leaves, hands still tucked away in his pockets, casually strolling away. I know he'll never come back again.

'Have a nice life, Potter.'

I wait a little longer. That's all I seem to be doing lately. Waiting. I wait for them to come, sitting on the edge of this branch. I've got all the time in the world. Who will be next, I wonder?

Another voice speaks below me, but this time it's unfamiliar. A man, leaning casually against the trunk.

'Waiting for something, young Malfoy?' he asks lightly.

'Who are you?' I say, jumping down so we're level.

'Sirius,' he replies, staring out across the lake. 'Sirius Black.'

'What are you doing here?'

'I should be the one asking you that question,' says Sirius.

'I don't know,' I frown at him.

'Well, you shouldn't dwell on it for too long,' he tells me.

I have no idea what he's talking about. 'Dwell on what?'

'Your unfinished business.'

Unfinished business? What unfinished business?

'That's why you're here, isn't it?'

That made me think a bit. Perhaps I did have some unfinished business, and that's why I was waiting here. Because I'm pretty sure I'm not a ghost. I've played the moment over in my head countless times already, I know the mistakes I've made. I used to believe it was possible to live your life without regrets but I know now that's not true. It's impossible to never be sorry for the mistakes you've made unless you couldn't care less about anyone.

I never told Ginny about my plans to join the Death Eaters. Not when I was convinced it was something I had to do, and yet if she had asked me not to I wouldn't have been able to say no.

After my initiation, after the Dark Lord had burnt his mark into my skin, I stood before my father in his study.

'You have done well, Draco,' he said.

'Thank you Father.'

He rose from behind his desk. 'But you are also a fool.'

I lifted my head in surprise.

'I know about you and the Weasley girl. Did you truly believe that I wouldn't find out?' he asked imperiously. 'Do you love her?'

I couldn't bring myself to answer, fear held my tongue in her icy-fingered grip.

'She is your weakness, Draco, your Achilles' heel. The Dark Lord does not deserve to have servants who are vulnerable. You must overcome this weakness.'

'Yes Father.'

'Then kill her,' he said.

There was a long silence. It must have looked like I was having some sort of internal struggle with myself, but I wasn't. The decision had already been made for me. I had no choice, because I'd already made mine and I should have picked left at the fork.

'No,' I said. 'I can't.'

Lucius shook his head. 'Then you are useless to me. I am very disappointed, Draco.'

And he pulled out his wand and aimed the killing curse at me.

My father had always said life is like a game.

He had won, and I had lost everything.

So here I am. Waiting to settle my unfinished business.

One moment I'm standing there, silently staring out onto the lake with Sirius, and suddenly there she is walking towards us. In her hand she holds a single red rose, and she places it gently across the plaque at the foot of tree next to Potter's Snitch.

The dying rays of sunlight fall onto her hair, a sheet of shining red and copper strands. I want so badly to touch her. To reach out and feel her silky hair between my fingers. Tell her I'm sorry. She's all I ever wanted, this girl. This fiery, uncultured, Potty-worshipper who given the chance had managed to turn my whole world upside-down in a matter of seconds.

I hear a soft whistle coming from Sirius.

'Nice catch!' he says appreciatively. 'Since when did Ginny Weasley fancy evil gits like you?'

'Shut up,' I snap.

Ginny stands up then and glares at the plaque.

'Rot in hell, Malfoy,' she spits angrily, 'you fucking bastard!'

I feel like somebody's just punched me right in the guts. Ginny turns on her heel and stalks off, blazing hair rippling in the wind.

Sirius chokes on laughter and almost falls out of his branch. 'That's what your unfinished business was? Waiting to get dumped?'

I can't answer him. I can't say anything. I can only watch the one person I loved walking away, filled with rage. She despised me. And the terrible thing was, how could I blame her for it?

'GINNY!' I yell, running after her. 'GINNY! WAIT!'

Surprisingly, she stops. It's so unexpected that I don't have time to slow down and I accidentally run straight through her. It was the strangest feeling. Ginny shudders and collapses onto her knees on the ground.

'How could you, Draco?' she whispers. Silent, burning tears are streaming down her face, and she won't stop shivering, even though it's not dark yet. 'How could you just leave me?'

'I can't. That's why I'm still here,' I point out, cursing irony.

But it's a lie. I've already left her.

I take her by the shoulders. Her skin feels like ice, or maybe it's just my own hands. 'I'm sorry Ginny.'

She looks straight into my eyes.

'Draco?' Ginny asks faintly.

My heart stops. Well, it would have, if I still had one. A thousand questions run through my mind, as we stare at each other, stunned. Can she see me? Can she hear me speaking?

'Draco....? Are you there....?'

So she can't see me. But I think she can feel me. In a way.

'I'm here,' I say quietly. 'I'm sorry for everything, Gin.'

'I know you're sorry,' she tells the wind. 'Please don't go. You can't leave me, please, I love you...'

But I have to go. Sirius is standing beside me again.

'Time to leave, mate,' he says.

Ginny's eyes are shut tight. She's stopped shivering for now. I lean over and brush my lips softly across her forehead. I'm dying to kiss her for real.

'I love you, Ginny.'

Then I let her go.

I think my business is finished here. Sirius is taking me to a different place now. He won't tell me much about it, but I don't reckon it'll be so bad. Besides, I've got some other unfinished business to settle there.

I'm looking forward to seeing my father again.