No Laughing Matter

Fred awoke suddenly in the middle of the night to a cacophony down in the shop. There was the acrid stench that was unique to the shop's alarm system rising up to meet his nostrils, which told Fred that someone was attempting or had attempted to break in. Out of bed like a shot, he grabbed his wand from beneath his pillow and sprinted down the stairs to confront any intruder that had been foolish enough to stick around. He silently cursed the anti-apparition spell they'd decided to place on the building when they'd moved in when he tripped and stumbled wildly down the last three steps in his haste. He knew that any of the other shop owners who lived near Weasley's Wizard Wheezes would have been woken by the shrieking/banging/cracking noise currently emitting from his front door, and that someone would have summoned the law by now.

Quickly performing a Bubble-Head charm to ward off the worst of the stench, he vaulted over the counter of the shop, and approached the front entrance cautiously.

"Quietus," he muttered, and the sound died away. "Lumos!"

As his wand tip ignited to light up the shop, he could see that the front stoop had a fresh coating of Perfectly Permanent Purple dye - an item the shop had yet to release to the general public until they could apply for a Ludicrous Patent with the Ministry of Magic. He opened the door and studied the relatively dry spot where it appeared a figure had been standing only moments before. The purple footprints led away in the direction of Knockturn Alley, but faded after a few yards as the dye dried. He was considering giving the intruder a pursuit, but was thwarted by the arrival of the Magical Law Enforcement team. He was getting to know some of them by name by now; this wasn't only the second time they been here since he and George had taken up residence. Luckily most of them had a sense of humor to go along with their sense of duty. As they arrived, they also performed the Bubble-Head charm on themselves to assuage their abused senses of smell.

After Fred retrieved a cloak, and sprayed the stink-neutralizing potion around the doorframe and stoop, they all rid themselves of the Bubble-Head charm and got down to the business of taking Fred's statement of what had happened. The M.L.E. team leader, Jack Covington, examined the footprints and asked if Fred had any idea who might try to break into his place.

"Well the first attempted break in was Declan Japes right after we first opened... he and Mr. Gambol weren't too pleased to have competition moving into Diagon Alley, and came to check us out, er, after hours. His hands and face are still faintly lavender, so I'm thinking he might not be so keen to be trying that again." Fred smiled in satisfaction. "What about that man from last week that grabbed Carly? That Dillinger fellow?"

"No, It couldn't be him. He had several outstanding complaints against him, so we're holding him until his hearing. That's not for another two days," Covington said. "But we'll check on Gambol and Japes and...."

"Excuse me." An elderly witch that Fred recognized as the proprietress of the bakery a couple of doors away approached the store entrance.

"Mrs. Grist," Fred greeted the maker of his favorite chocolate cookies. "Did you see anything?"

"Yes indeed, my dear," She nodded. "I was just coming down to start the days' bread dough when I saw someone hurry past my front store window. There's almost never anyone out on the street this early, so I went to the window to have a look. He walked right up to young Fred and George's delightful little place, and took something out of his cloak that I couldn't see...probably his wand. The street lamp was on the opposite side, so it was hard to see what he might be doing; then all that noise started up and he spun around really fast, with his hand up to shield his face, then he started running back this way, and I saw who it was...."

Mrs. Grist seemed to get more agitated as her account of events went on, and now she seemed genuinely distressed. Fred stepped forward and took her work worn hands in his and asked gently, "You recognized him?"

She nodded and looked sad and fearful before saying, "I'm so sorry dear, but it was your brother, Percy."

"Percy?" Fred repeated in disbelief, "Are you sure?"

"Quite sure, I'm afraid. How many times have I had you lot in my shop for cookies and sweet buns over the years?" She affirmed. "It was definitely him."

"Would you like us to track him down and question him?" Covington asked.

"No," Fred said grimly after a moment's serious consideration. "This is a family matter, and we'll handle it from here."

*****

Fred waited until after breakfast to visit the Ministry. His wand was checked and registered and he was asked to bare both forearms for the security wizard before being allowed to proceed to the bank of lifts. He shared the small compartment with two witches who stood stiffly side-by-side, their body language suggesting that they were angry at each other. When one of them suddenly hiccupped and violet bubbles shot out of her nose, the other laughed nastily. Fred was glad to leave them to themselves as he got off at level two and made his way to his father's office. He passed the Aurors, and gave no indication that he recognized Tonks, despite the currently green mane of curls cascading down her back. The "sky" outside the windows today was overcast and threatening rain, and Fred wondered if the maintenance crew had chosen this weather in response to the present climate of the wizarding world

At the end of the corridor, Arthur's office stood with its door open, and a man's deep booming voice was issuing from it, saying, "HELLO! HelLO! HellO! HELLo!"

Fred looked in curiously to find Arthur looking through a reference book in consternation. He looked as though he had run his hands through his thinning hair several times over the course of the morning. On the desk in front of him stood a curious statuette of a shepherdess, which was continually booming out its greetings.

"Oh, Fred!" His father said over the voice when he spotted him, "We confiscated this from a wizard in Devonshire who was apparently planning on giving it to a muggle relation as a gift."

"That..."

"Hello!"

"...is deeply...."

"HellO!"

"...disturbing," Fred commented in between hellos.

"Yes," Arthur agreed, speaking loudly so he heard over the noise. "But not as disturbing as the puffskein, kneazle, and krup they found there that do the same thing. I don't know what the man was thinking; he lives in a muggle-inhabited area! Anyway, what brings you here this early?"

"I need..."

"HELlO!"

"...to talk to you..."

"hello!"

"...about something."

"Yes!" Arthur nodded. "Just a moment... this one is tricky... the normal anti-spells aren't working."

As he began thumbing through the reference book again, Fred picked up the offending figure, examined it closely, and then rapped its head sharply against his father's desk. When the head hit the edge of the desk, the statuette gave a highly garbled version of its greeting, and so Fred struck it again, with more force. The head detached from the shepherdess, rolling to the floor as the voice abruptly ceased.

Arthur set the book aside and muttered, "Thank Merlin! That was driving me mad! Now, what did you want to talk about?"

"Percy," Fred said bluntly and with some venom.

"I see." Arthur removed his glasses and began to polish them on his robes, a sign that he was attempting to master some strong emotion, "What about him?"

"He apparently attempted to pay me an unannounced visit last night," Fred said as calmly as he could. The sight of his father paling at the mention of his wayward son made him want to punch something.

"What do you mean?" Arthur replaced his glasses to better gauge Fred's expressions as he spoke.

Fred related the story of the attempted break in, and the testimony of Mrs. Grist. Arthur actually managed a weak chuckle at Fred's description of what Percy was bound to look like after his encounter with Weasley Wizard Wheezes 'early warning system' if he was, indeed, the culprit. He had, however, happened to pass Percy in the corridor earlier that morning, and hadn't notice any foul stench or odd color about him, though he had looked unwell.

"Unwell, how?" Fred asked suspiciously. Mrs. Grist may be elderly, but she was no fool and had the eyes of a hawk. If she said that it was Percy outside the store that night, then she had seen Percy. Something wasn't right here, and Fred needed to find out what it was.

"Just generally," Arthur said vaguely. "Like he hadn't had enough sleep."

"This just doesn't make sense," Fred puzzled. "He might have been able to get rid of the smell, but he would have had to have shed about six months worth of skin on any area that the Perfectly Purple dye had come in contact with.

"Well assuming that it was him, what would he have been doing? Why would he try to break in instead of just knocking on the door?"

"Maybe because he knew that I wouldn't have let him in," Fred said. "But that doesn't answer the question of what he wanted there at four a.m. on a Monday morning; I doubt it was trick wands or Canary Creams. Should I go up to his office and ask him?"

"No, Fred," Mr. Weasley sighed wearily. "He would just deny it and cause an ugly scene. It wouldn't accomplish anything."

"I suppose not," Fred admitted. "I need to get back to open the shop. Let me know if you find anything out."

"Will do, son. Just don't go picking a fight until we know for sure what's going on," Arthur advised. "Oh! How did your picnic with Carly go?"

Fred blushed slightly and said, "It was great. Thank mom for the tarts."

He headed for the Atrium apparition points, and paused only for a moment when he happened to see Percy walking in his direction, looking neither left nor right. His father had been right; Percy was looking tired and wan, and didn't even look at Fred when he passed with in a few feet of him. It was as if he hadn't even noticed Fred was there at all. Fred considered following him for a moment, but then discarded the idea; Percy would find a way to turn anything he said into something that might get their father in trouble at work.

He continued back to Diagon Alley and began his day by stopping at the sweet shop and arranging for them to send Carly some candy flowers. He went to his own shop from there, and started by refilling the alarm system with Perfectly Permanent Purple dye and Stupendous Stink Solution. He checked on some potions, and poured some Fever Fudge into large square pans to cool. A few of the other shopkeepers stopped in from time to time to check on what had happened that morning with the MLE, and Fred assured them all that it had been a mistake, and that his older brother had set off the alarm by mistake. He also had inquiries into the possibility of him and George setting up similar security measures at other businesses in Diagon Alley.

At noon, Kyna fluttered in through the window with a small package tied to her leg. He untied it, and unwrapped the parcel to find two treacle tarts and a note:

Dear Fred,

Thank you so much for the 'flowers' you had delivered. They are too pretty to eat! I am sending you the last of the tarts that were left over from yesterday. I had such a nice time; I hope we can do it again, soon.

My Aunt and Uncle would like it if you could join us for dinner on Wednesday evening at six o'clock at their home. They say they want to meet the young man I'm always sighing over.

I have to go to St. Mungo's for a few hours this afternoon, but if you're free, why don't you come to my place for dinner tonight, around 7? Send an answer back, and I hope I'll see you this evening.

Love,

Carly

Fred stared for a moment at the "Love, Carly" part, then grabbed a piece of parchment and answered back. It was only fair that he agreed to meet her Aunt and Uncle after she so bravely faced his parents after on a couple of days of meeting him. As for dinner that evening, he wasn't about to turn down a chance to spend time with her and see where she lived. He would also need to teller about Percy and the attempted break-in, which he was not looking forward to. He didn't like to talk about his brother's betrayal, and didn't want to expose Carly to the ugliness that had been caused by the return of Voldemort. Still, it couldn't be ignored if he intended take his relationship with her further (which he did).