It Hurts to Know You Love Me

It Hurts to Know You Love Me

It hurts to know you love me.

I can see it in your eyes, every time I look at your face. You're not like me, practiced at hiding your emotions, knowing that one slip up could lead to someone's death, and ultimately your own. This is why I cannot love you.

But I won't tell you that. No, I'll wander through life in a lie, pretending I don't see the sweet love blossoming in your gorgeous eyes, or feel the hunger that eats at my split soul. I wish I didn't know. I wish darkness could fall over my eyes. I know you love me, but I cannot love you back. If I do, you will die.

It strikes me odd sometimes, how you could fall in love with someone like me - a werewolf. I am a bloodthirsty monster - you know this. Nearly fifty times, I've tried to disembowel you. Too many times, I've nearly succeeded. Still you love me...why?

Why couldn't you love someone else? Every girl in the school adores you, and half of the boys lust for your form. Why not have one of them? Why must you want me? It makes it so difficult to refuse to love you, knowing that you love me. But I will not put your life in danger. I will not risk losing you for my own selfish desires. You'll move on eventually, and get over me. When you find someone who steals your heart, I'll fade from your mind, until I'm barely a whisper in your memories, and I...it doesn't matter what happens to me - only you.

...So must I admit the truth? Fine. I love you. I've loved you since the day we met, when a spark went through me as we shook hands. I found myself staring continuously at you. Your form was luscious, and as our Hogwarts years progressed, your image only became more so.

Your hair...it seemed the reason for your name. Black. Black as the night sky without stars. Black as the heart of the greatest of evils. Black as a black hole, swirling in space, drawing me in, calling to me with an addictive cry.

And oh, your lips...soft, tender lips that I have longed to feel with my own. They open only to let loose music - a seductive tone sweeter than honey and thicker than blood. During the night in the dormitory, I would wait until I was sure everyone else was asleep and then I would slip over to your bedside. I could sit there beside you and watch you sleep for hours, and I so longed to touch your lips with mine...

But I couldn't.

For years, I have wanted to kiss you, to run my fingers through your hair. Since first year I've wanted nothing more, as I fell into your grey, misty eyes, than to be consumed by your love and allow myself to drown in its tender embrace.

More than my own happiness, however, I want you to live. My feelings mean nothing, only that your tender heart beats an enchanting melody in your chest until the end of time.

You will be alive and, to myself, I will admit that I love you.

*****

I wonder sometimes if it was a mistake. There would be times when I would catch you staring at me, and behind those grey-green eyes, hidden in the specks of gold, I was sure I could see love.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was only ever friendship and I just want it to be something more. I'm sure you know. I've tried to tell you in the best way possible...and the most subtle. I can't come out and tell you; I'm afraid of what you'll say, because behind those eyes of yours, sometimes I see defiance, and other times hatred, and I can't help but wonder if that's how you feel about me.

Oh, but I love you. I loved you when sparked shot through my body, as we shook hands on the train. I loved the way your hair was flecked here and there with grey, lightly shadowing your eyes in mystery. Oh, those eyes...

Grey-green orbs that could express so much, but you try so hard to hide it away. But I can still read you. Your heart dances teasingly in your eyes' golden freckles.

I've loved you almost before I ever met you, and I know I will love you forever. Perhaps you do not love me now, but I will wait. I will wait as the moon rises and sets, until the moon is gone. I will wait through spring, summer, autumn, winter, and the apocalypse. I will wait until Heaven passes judgment on me, and when I stand in my final resting-place, I will be waiting - forever.

I love your light-colored lips that I've longed to kiss so many times, but I hadn't dared, because I remember the fear dancing in your eyes. Oh, but I love those eyes, flickering with the kindness offered by your understanding heart. I love how your half-smile curls up the left corner of your mouth in tender hesitation, reminding me of the hesitating air of spring in all its beauty. And I love that, deep inside of you, there rages a demonic force that battles against the kindness of yourself - the only part you let others see.

The curse of the werewolf...

And now I understand. But without him, you cannot be Moony, and without you, he cannot be Lupin. Together you are one - one being, one soul. And it's you that I love, Remus Lupin - all of you. I do not fear the wolf inside of you.

And I know you love me, just as I love you.

*****

It is on the grassy bank next to the lake that Sirius found Remus. He sat staring out across the water, musing over his life as he often did. Sirius sat down next to him.

"You're usually planning our next prank," Remus observed quietly, without looking over.

"I was thinking," Sirius replied, gazing out over the sparkling waters, hoping he was going about this the right way. "I wanted to talk to you."

Remus forced a smirk. "Girl trouble, Padfoot?" he joked weakly. It was obvious his heart wasn't in it, but he did all he could to hide his disappointment. He couldn't risk falling any further in love with Sirius.

"Yeah," Sirius said, nodding, "they won't leave me alone." He finally looked over at Remus, studying his friend's face. "When I'm interested in someone else."

Remus closed his eyes, almost painfully, the smile fading from his lips. Why did Sirius want to talk about this now? Why did he want to talk about it at all? Remus was already having a hard enough time trying to ignore his feelings, without a direct approach. He couldn't allow himself to love Sirius.

Oh, but he wanted to.

"Why are you afraid of hurting me, Moony?"

Caught off guard by the unexpected question, Remus looked into Sirius' eyes. "What?"

"Why are you afraid of hurting me? Why won't you love me, Moony?" His eyes danced with pain, pleading for an answer, and Remus' heart nearly shattered in two.

"I...I can't," he whispered, and his voice danced with the agony that trampled his heart.

"Why not?" Sirius asked. He thought he understood, but then questions didn't assail him. What was stopping Remus? He loved him so much! Why couldn't he love Sirius back?

"You'll get hurt," Remus whispered painfully, his grey-green eyes flickering with golden tears, begging for Sirius to understand. "If you died..."

"The wolf only comes out once a month, Remus!" Sirius interrupted desperately. "You won't hurt me!" He left unsaid that he was an animagus. They should have to rely on that. He wanted Remus to love him for being Sirius. He needed to understand that the human part of Sirius wasn't afraid. "You never have hurt me!"

"Near misses," Remus muttered.

"You never have," Sirius repeated. Remus' head was turned away from him, but Sirius caught his chin in a delicate hand and turned his face until their eyes met. "You know I love you, Moony," he whispered, "full moon and all." His eyes pleaded with Remus to understand. The fear he had felt over what Remus would think had faded before the conversation began. His love would transgress death and time - it would not be stopped by fear. "I will never be afraid of you," he said slowly, staring deeply into Remus gold-flecked eyes. "I know you won't hurt me. Don't be afraid, Remus."

Slowly, Remus began to relax against Sirius' touch. He wanted so badly to love him. Maybe...

"I love you," Sirius whispered, drawing his face closer, until his warm breath mingled with Remus' own. "The wolf cannot hurt me," he whispered, his voice barely audible. His moved forward, his lips brushing over Remus' in a touch they had both longed for. "Because I love him, too."

A smile, a full smile, graced Remus' tender lips, as they met Sirius' once more, dancing together in harmonious tranquility.

"I love you, too."