Chocolate, Anyone?

Chocolate, Anyone?

Harry Potter, soaking wet and furious about it, stared down the hall as Draco Malfoy sauntered away, having completed his prank successfully--on all three friends.

"Thank God I wasn't wearing white," Hermione said grimly, staring at her black robe. "On top, anyway."

Ron, suddenly being entertained by visions of what would happen if Hermione took off her robe, promptly turned the shade of red that marked the Weasleys. Water began to steam off his face. Harry grinned as he caught sight of this. "Well, at least you found a way to dry off quickly," he laughed.

Ron flushed an even deeper red, if this were possible. "Sod off," he muttered, gathering up his things and all but running off to their next class, Transfiguration. Harry and Hermione followed, laughing at their poor friend's plight (Ah, poor Ron! The pain, the pain!).

(A/N: I couldn't resist. )

As they arrived in Transfiguration (and they were grateful it wasn't Potions), they tried to hide the squelching of their shoes, and especially tried not to drip all over the Professor's nice, shiny floor--Harry and Ron, in yet another exciting, invigorating session of detention, knew that floor quite well, having scrubbed every inch of it with toothbrushes. Unfortunately for them, though, McGonagall heard. (She IS a teacher, what did you expect?) But the inevitable scolding never came, for they heard voices. Loud, bossy, girls' voices, that emanated from the ceiling and, indeed, the very air.

"Preeya!" one scolded. "This isn't supposed to be another fanfic about Hogwarts life. This is the CHOCOLATE fic! And don't forget to give me credit for it!"

"I won't, Aileen," said the other voice (Preeya?) sharply, "but there has to be a lead-in, doesn't there? And besides, don't be so impatient! It's barely half a page long and that's with 1.5 margins all around! I think I last used this document for an English essay. Or maybe German. Yeah, probably German. I should post my fairy tale sometime..."

"Stop digressing!" the voice now known as Aileen snapped. "It's no wonder your friends created that catchphrase for you! Just dye your hair blonde now and no one will be fooled!"

(A/N: "Preeya: The True Blonde Resides Within.")

"Shut up. I like my catchphrase," mumbled Preeya. "It's a nice catchphrase. There's nothing wrong with it. It suits me. It's fun."

"Er, right. But in the meanwhile, I think everyone is scared," said the voice of Aileen, looking around the room of terrified, frozen witches and wizards, some of which regained their wits enough to wonder how a voice could look. Or look, for that matter.

"...'s a good catchphrase. I like it. I like accurate things. They're cool. I like Tamahome randomly dying. That was a good fic. I should read more Fushigi Yuugi fics. I should write a Fushigi Yuugi fic where Miaka dies. I can't stand Miaka. TASUKI'S MINE, DAMMIT!" After a few more "Tasuki" (who's that? wondered everyone else) outbursts, the girl kept mumbling incoherently. (A/N: FY rocks! And Miaka lovers, flame me not. I don't have too much against Miaka...except where Tasuki's concerned. ^_^ And it's pronounced TAHSS-kee.)

"......" could be heard from everyone else in the classroom.

"Okay," said Aileen, sounding very condescending and patronizing. "Preeya, calm down. Let's leave now. Goodbye, everyone." And the voices faded away. Upon which, everyone relaxed and thought to themselves, "What a horrid nightmare. I hope I don't ever meet either of THOSE two insane creatures."

The ever quick-witted Hermione had managed to cast a drying spell (Why didn't I think of that before? Stupid me...) and the trio were sitting in their seats, radiating innocence in such quantities that, had Hogwarts any radios, only static would have come on every station. Alas, McGonagall was not a radio, but since they had managed to dry off quickly and hadn't been late, she only deducted ten points from Gryffindor. But, this is boring stuff. Onward with the fic!

During lunch, Malfoy hexed Harry with a particularly nasty spell. And don't we all know what the remedy is for Dark magic? Together, children!

CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!

Er...children...you can stop now...

CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!

Oops... Er...sorry about that...

Well...anyway...where were we? Ah, yes...

So, Harry was carried up to the hospital wing and given a veritable boulder of chocolate. (A/N: Let me drool, please...) He was then surprised to see about half of it disappear, as if broken off, while sounds of pleasure began. (A/N: I'm hungry...) As the sounds gradually faded away, he began eating the rest of the chocolate.

Ten minutes later, he finished it...but could still feel the Dark magic working in him.

He could almost hear Malfoy's voice cackle in his head. "I knew they'd give you chocolate to counteract my spell...so I put in an element they didn't expect! Now that you've had chocolate, with my spell on you, you'll NEVER be able to escape the craving!"

Oh...so it wasn't just his imagination, Harry thought. Malfoy must have integrated this into the spell too. Now he was cascading into evil laughter. Boring freak...

"Hey, Potter! Are you listening to my evil laughter? My mirror and I have spent quality time together getting this down right, along with the facial expressions!" yelled the Malfoy in Harry's head.

"Sod off, Malfoy," Harry snapped, and threw the voice out of his head like he would an Imperius curse. A faint "NOOOOOO! I'M MEEEEEL-TIIIIING!" could be heard.

"Drama queen," muttered Harry. He looked at the clock on the table beside him--

--the table of dark, rich wood--

--the shade of dark chocolate--

--CHOCOLATE....

"Chocolate..." murmured Harry. "Chocolate...ah, God of Chocolate, give me strength to find thy holy Heaven of Chocolate, so I may eat it..."

"Hey!" said the God of Chocolate indignantly. "I'm not letting you eat my Heaven!" And it clobbered Harry on the head.

"Ow. Chocolate..."

And with that, Harry zombie-ed out of the room, dull-eyed, hands in front of him, the whole bit. And moaning about chocolate, of course. Lesson One: One may never trust sexily evil Slytherins who know what good food tastes like. I shudder to think what the chocolate my sexy, dangerous, dashing, romantic, wonderful Dracy will get me on Valentine's Day...

Ahem! Well, anyway! Back to the fic! Show's over, people!

Harry zombied out the infirmary and through the halls, where he bumped into Ron, who was trying to write love poetry to Hermione and failing miserably. Ron looked up and saw Harry, but being blinded by his love for Hermione (and the purpose of this story), failed to see anything seriously wrong with his friend. If he did, he put it down to Malfoy's hex.

"Hey, Harry!" said Ron. "Maybe you can help me with this...this..." He glanced at the poetry. It looked like crap. "Ohhh....screw the poetry. Harry, maybe you can help me do something that will show Hermione my true feelings for her!"

"Chocolate..." the Harry-zombie moaned.

Ron's eyes lit up. "That's a great idea! I'll get her a heap of Chocolate Frogs! I'll just borrow your Invisibility Cloak for a bit, okay, Harry? Bye!" And with that, Ron dashed off, not noticing his friend drool at the mention of Chocolate Frogs.

Poor, zombied-out Harry had no choice but to keep going, in search of someone who would take pity on him. Wandering by chance into the Library, in the hope that some of the books in the Restricted Section had turned to chocolate, he encountered Hermione. Although she was as lovesick as Ron, she was better at hiding it...or at least, we think so, until we see the love poetry being scribbled in the margins of her Dark Arts textbook. The poor Dark mage who wrote that must have dug himself at least another six feet deeper into his grave by now...assuming he had one. With good ol' Voldie around...you never know. Ah well, at least her attempts are marginally better than Ron's. But, the original point was, she noticed that Harry is the Chocolate Zombie. (Cue the scary music, please.

Well...that's certainly scary music. Perhaps a bit less scary?

Thank you, O Anonymous Cuer of Scary Music.

"No problem.")

"Harry?" she said. "What's wrong?"

"Chocolate..."

"Oh, dear," said Hermione. "Come on, we'd better get you back to the infirmary. I'm sure Madame Pomfrey has more chocolate. Honestly, why did she let you leave before you'd had enough? She's usually very good about keeping you TOO long. Did you break out or something? I wouldn't be surprised, I'm sure you want your revenge on Malfoy..." And she bustled along the corridor, a surprised Harry trailing after her. After all, she was headed for the infirmary...where CHOCOLATE was. Why hadn't he stayed there? he berated himself. It would have saved so much time!

Soon they reached the infirmary, and broke into Madame Pomfrey's stores of chocolate. After Harry had devoured two boulders and they had dropped into C-space (where the chocolate goes as you consume it...it doesn't stretch your stomach THEN, but it shows up later...>.<), Hermione began to realize that this wasn't just your ordinary chocolate craving. So she stopped Harry from eating. "You're going to make yourself sick!"

Harry looked at her with eyes devoid of all intelligence and life. "Chocolate..."

Hermione blinked. And then it hit her. "This must be part of Malfoy's hex! Oh, it's a good thing I'm so smart, or this story would be much, much longer..."

She pulled a book out of her bookbag, entitled "How to Break Hexes That You've Never Seen Before! (Now with a complete section on those evil, evil bookburners...)" and flipped to the section on foods.

"Aha!" said Hermione. "Without reading a single word, I know I've found the right page! It says here that you must confront the one who hexed you, cover them with the food you desire, and then eat them!" She blinked. "How will that help?" And then she read a little further. "Oh, I see! Once you bite them hard enough, they will reverse the spell on you, utterly convinced that you really WILL eat them--which you probably will!" She smiled happily. "Now, how can we cover Malfoy with chocolate...Oh, I know!" After tying Harry the Chocolate Zombie onto the bed in the infirmary, in order to slow his progress towards the chocolate (he'd get out of it even with her enchanted ropes, after all), she ran off to the owlery.

A few days later (Harry had been fed by Madame Pomfrey, shocked to see him in such a state but for some reason not asking any questions, and often reinforcing the magical ropes) the owl returned, bearing a load of that chocolate syrup stuff that hardens once you pour it on something. In the meanwhile, Hermione had modified the soaking spell that Malfoy had used on them (at the beginning of this story) in order to blast him with the chocolate. (Oh, and for all you that are wondering, Ron had success with his Chocolate Frogs...I know he hasn't really gotten a lot of time. ^_^;; Gomen!) Ron would blast him from the front, and she from the back. Hermione was determined to get this over with so that she wouldn't have to worry about Harry before her first date with Ron, which she was relatively sure was coming up soon...as soon as Ron figured out how to make his mouth do something other than smile foolishly, that is. (Take it any way you like, perverts.)

They caught Malfoy as he walked down the hall towards the boys' bathroom. For this reason he was free of Crabbe and Goyle. Pansy, who had been hanging on his arm drooling ever since he hexed Harry, had been knocked out two days ago by an irate writer (any guesses who? ^_^) and still hadn't woken up. Hermione and Ron were hiding in an empty classroom. As Malfoy walked past, Ron ran out and in front of him. "Hey, Malfoy!" he yelled. "I'm gonna get you back for Harry!" It wasn't exactly the best line on earth...but it was rather accurate and, well, it did get the point across.

Draco Malfoy smirked. "I'd love to see you try. In fact, I'll give you a free chance to. I won't reach for my wand until you've failed to hex me successfully three times."

Ron and Hermione couldn't believe their luck. How good that Malfoy thought they were incompetent idiots!

"Okay," replied Ron. "Chocolaquario!" (A/N: I can't think of anything better, dammit!) And Malfoy found himself soaking...with chocolate. Hermione repeated the spell from the back, and now (poor, poor Draco) Malfoy was doubly soaking.

"Ahhhh!" he shrieked. "You got it all over my new robes! Ewww! Ewww! Get it off! Mooooooommyyyyyyy!!!"

"Relax, Malfoy, and stay still," Hermione advised. "This hardens once it's out of the bottle." She held up the now-empty bottle. "If you just stay still, it'll harden and not feel so icky. I think."

Malfoy mumbled incoherently but did as Hermione said. Once the chocolate hardened, she performed Mobilicorpus on him and they went to the infirmary.

Thankfully, Madame Pomfrey was gone. And there was Harry, lying on the bed.

"Hey, Harry!" called Ron. "We've brought you some CHOCOLATE!"

Harry, the Chocolate-Deprived Chocolate Zombie, turned his head. "Chooocoooolaaaaate....."

Malfoy shrieked softly. "You're supposed to be over that by now, Potter!" But his efforts couldn't match Harry's green eyes, destitute of all life, emotion and intelligence...

You know, he sounds like Hamtaro with different-colored eyes...

Hamtaro! Plushie! KAWAAAIIIIII!!!! ("cute" to you, aileen)

Okay, continuing the fic.

"Well, Malfoy, he's been deprived of chocolate for three days," said Ron, grinning evilly. "Now that YOU'RE here, covered with it...what do you think will happen?"

Malfoy turned that one over in his head, and appeared to come to a conclusion. "Okay! Okay! I'll reverse the bloody spell! Just DON'T LET HIM EAT ME!!!!" And he reversed it.

Harry came back to normal. And grinned evilly at Malfoy along with all the rest of them.

"Heh heh heh. Now we'll get our revenge..."

"Noooo!" screamed the avenging writer. "You can't have my Dracy!" And he was suddenly gone.

"They covered you in chocolate..." said the voice of the writer dreamily. "Ahhh...." And after cracking it with a spoon, she began to eat it off him happily.