Owls and Musings

Chapter 13

With a small snap of air, Severus Snape appeared at the edge of the field. Still breathing hard after running from the Hogwarts grounds, he quickly looked about making sure no one was around and hurried across the fog enshrouded ground to the lone cottage nearby.

As he eased his way past the garden stile, a harsh voice came from the shadows near the door.

"That's far enough! I have my wand on you - identify yourself!"

"Esme, it's me - Severus!" Snape said in a hoarse whisper. The door opened wider and she appeared in the moonlight in a dressing gown with a shawl thrown over her shoulders. She hurried him inside and, after resetting the wards, turned to find herself encased in his arms, his lips finding hers in a burst of passion that he had missed this last year and a half. He held her tighter and buried his face in her hair.

"I just need to hold something warm, alive... I had to come here first before going on..."

"What are you going on about?" she said taking a step back and looking into his eyes. "You're white as a ghost! What's happened?"

Fury was in his eyes as he looked away from her. He snarled through his teeth, "Dumbledore, Esme, I had to kill Dumbledore!" A sound, much like an animal in pain, came from deep inside of him and he stumbled to the table to sit, hiding his face in his hands.

She stood there, stunned, a hand to her mouth to hold back the horror, tears springing to her eyes.

"How? Why?" She barely knew where to start. This had not been in her premonition; just the fact of his running.

"I had to. He begged me to do it. He forced me to fulfil my vow." He slammed a hand down on the table, making her jump.

"What vow?" She was slowly regaining her wits.

"I had to make a vow with Narcissa last summer, an Unbreakable Vow. The Dark Lord, in his displeasure with Lucius, set Draco the task of murdering Albus. Narcissa made me vow to complete that task if Draco couldn't." He was suddenly bone-weary from the night's adventures and slumped in the chair.

"Merlin. I need something to drink, tea?" she said as she conjured a cup.

"Stronger, I think," he murmured.

"Hmmmm." With another wand flick, a small goblet of steaming, mulled wine appeared near his hand.

"Take that and go sit in the parlour. I'll just be a mo'."

He took the proffered glass and sipping the warming liquid felt it begin to loosen the pain in his chest. As he walked to the larger room, he noticed that the view through the bay window showed the moors still steeped in early morning fog. A fire was laid in the hearth and, absently aiming his wand, he started the wood blazing merrily to add warmth to the room. He wasn't sure if his heart would ever thaw after tonight.

Esme came in behind him curling up on the corner of the divan, sipping her tea, her head wreathed in steam.

"All right, Severus, give me the whole sordid tale."

He set his goblet on the mantel and started pacing around the room. He was too keyed up to sit just yet.

"Remember last year after the disaster at the Ministry? Well, Dumbledore started searching for the reasons why the Dark Lord never died."

"Actually, dear, he's been searching out that reason for several years now." She had a tight little smile on her face when he whirled around at that.

"Your research for him?" he asked. She hesitated then finally nodded 'yes'; he obviously knew the truth now, so withholding the information was not going keep him any safer.

"I should have known," he mumbled.

"Albus suspected after the Diary incident that He was making Horcruxes and wanted me to research them. I spent nearly a year searching the books you brought to me and then this year got further information through my contacts all over the wizard world."

"Well, that shortens my explanation somewhat. After term ended last summer, Dumbledore found one of the Horcruxes - a ring carrying the Peverell family crest. It had a killing curse laid upon it. Albus activated it when he destroyed the part of the soul that was encased within." He paused staring down at the fire. When he spoke next his words were low and mesmerizing. "Any other wizard would have died instantly; Dumbledore managed to hold on until he could get to me at the castle where I could stop the progress of the curse. Unfortunately, all I could do was give him extra time. It would eventually in the end kill him. As it was, the initial impact withered his wand hand past redemption."

Esme gasped pulling her knees up to her chin, hugging them to her. She hadn't heard from Albus since her research had ended. After the one meeting at Grimmauld Place, he had communicated with her through owls and patronuses. Casey jumped onto the seat and curled up on her feet; Snape kept pacing, absently picking up and looking at trinkets.

"Knowing he really wasn't long for this world," he continued in lecture mode, "he needed to accelerate some plans for Potter. About this time the Dark Lord also decided that the headmaster needed to be removed, as he was the last thing truly shielding Potter. Because of Lucius, as I said before, he decided to make an example of Draco and set him the task of killing Dumbledore." He looked at her directly now. "Of course the Dark Lord told me his plan since I was well placed to ensure Draco's success." He looked back to the fire again. "He made sure that Draco would not waiver from his task; he had Greyback scratch his arm."

She was stunned. Severus had told her before how Fenrir Greyback was being used as a surety factor among the Death Eaters. But that was normally for lesser followers or those wizards that Voldemort wished to intimidate to obtain certain performances. Had Malfoy dropped that far in his favour? "Had he transformed?"

"No. Draco only gets sick during the full moon, but it's enough to act as a constant reminder. And, of course, if he did not succeed in his task..."

"The full bite." She was quiet a moment thinking about the information. "And Narcissa decided to make sure that the deed would be done one way or another?" He slowly nodded.

"Dumbledore knew of the Dark Lord's plan. I informed him the minute I knew. He was aware that it was just a matter of time. Either he would die of the cursed ring or the Dark Lord would eventually succeed. He requested that if it came to that, I was to complete Draco's task. This was the plan in place when Narcissa insisted I take the vow. I could not see any way to get out of it and Bellatrix was there to ensure my loyalty. If I had balked, she would have gone running to the Dark Lord. It just made the end more inevitable," he spat.

He turned to face her once more. "In any case, Dumbledore decided I would need to go deeper into the Dark Lord's camp sooner than we had anticipated. He also wanted Potter to continue on in Potions which he would not have been able to do had I continued teaching it."

"What was his grade, an A?"

"E."

"I always told you that O was an unrealistic benchmark," she scoffed. "None of the other N.E.W.T. classes require an O. So, did he finally move you to the DADA position?"

"Very good," he nodded to her. "Yes, he did. We all know full well the job is cursed and that it meant I would have to leave the school at the end of the year."

"So, what happened this evening?"

"Dumbledore left the castle, taking Potter with him. He had the Order patrolling the castle along with some Ministry Aurors. Now that I think about it..." he finally stopped pacing and snatching his goblet from the mantel, came and sat at the other end of the sofa. "I ran into Granger and Lovegood outside of my office. Potter must have had them watching me." He looked over at Esme. "Draco had tried all year to kill the headmaster with different means - never direct - and failed miserably, but nearly killed two students in the process. I tried to constantly get him to tell me what his plan was. He refused to tell me, and he had learnt Occlumency over the summer from Bellatrix. I couldn't legilimise what he was up to. Whatever it was, he worked on it all year.

"This evening, Flitwick came down to my office to tell me that Death Eaters were in the castle and fighting on the seventh floor corridor. Draco had made his move and I had to make mine. I stunned Filius to keep him out of the way and hurried to the fight." He snorted. "Of course neither side touched me. I saw some of the Death Eaters heading up the stairs to the tower and followed. At the top were Draco, Greyback, the twins and Dumbledore." He stopped, staring down at the empty goblet in his hands but not really seeing it.

Esme reached a gentle hand out to him and he grabbed it, as if it was a lifeline.

"Do you know what Potter called me? A coward. A Coward!" he spat out.

"Severus..." she squeezed his hand.

"Dumbledore was dying, Esme. There on the tower, he was dying. I don't know what he did this evening, but whatever it was accelerated the curse and he only had a few minutes. Draco was unable to kill him, or unwilling - it matters not. When Albus saw me, he pleaded for me to end it. We both knew it had to happen. He used Legilimency on me to show me that Potter was on the rooftop, hidden under that damn cloak of his father's, and that I needed to fulfil my vow - to him and Narcissa. It was time for me to leave. So, I..." He stopped again. "I had to do it." He got up again and resumed pacing. "It was horrible, Esme," he whispered.

He could see, in his mind's eye, the headmaster's body arcing over the parapet. Just the thought of it brought the pain and agony washing over him anew forcing him to return to his seat. He grimaced and bent over against this inner attack.

Tears flowed again from the pain she felt, not only for him, but also for the loss of Albus. She held onto him and let him work through the pain and regain a meagre portion of his stoicism. When he seemed able to continue she asked, "So now what? The Ministry is going to be after you, as well as the Order."

He turned back to her. "I was hoping to hide here for a short time. No one knows about us, you still have the proximity alerts and wards I set in place two years ago. I can't go back to my house, the Order knows about it and will probably have notified the Ministry."

"Obviously." She rearranged herself on the sofa, picking up the sleeping cat and placing him in her lap, needing the warmth to ward against the chill that Severus' tale evoked in her. "You're sure no one else from the Order knows about us?" He shook his head.

"Well, that's a blessing." She sipped from her tea again. "We've managed to keep it a secret for thirteen years now. If Aunt Minnie knew...Oh my god..." She suddenly sat up on the couch.

"What?"

"Remus knows." She turned to stare at him, eyes wide.

"How the hell does the werewolf know about us?" he demanded.

"That first meeting I attended, he could smell you on me. He came up afterwards to talk to me about it and I assured him that I was happy, that I knew what I was doing and that I knew all about both aspects of your life. I don't know if he would tell, though. I explained that he was only the third person to know and that he wasn't to tell anyone."

Severus was silent for a minute as he contemplated the fact that one person in the Order knew their secret. "We are going to have to chance it. If the wards are breached tonight, I'll just floo to Diagon Alley and Apparate from there. The warning will give me enough time. How loyal is the wolf to you?"

"I don't know. In school he was like an older brother to me. I don't think he would break my trust. Bloody hell, what a mess!" It was her turn to get up now and pace, dislodging Casey with a hiss. Severus was startled to hear her curse - she so rarely used that type of language, unless she was truly vexed.

She finally stopped, looking out the window at the greying sky as dawn approached. He softly came up behind her and curled his arms around her, breathing in the warm vanilla scent of her hair. "Is it over for us?" she quietly asked.

"No," he said firmly. " I promised you last year and I will keep that promise," he sighed, resting his chin on top of her head. "After it dies down, I'm going to have to join the Dark Lord's forces. It was Dumbledore's last wish and plan for me to work from deep within. I am cut off from the Order - Potter will have unknowingly played his part, telling them what he saw. By now everyone will be searching for me. Bellatrix should have Draco and Narcissa in hiding by now." A sudden conviction came over him and he turned her to face him. "Esme, I want you to be safe." He took a deep breath before continuing. "Go to your aunt."

"Are you daft? Are you sure you weren't hit by one of those hexes flying about?" she quipped. He didn't take the bait.

"No, listen to me. You're a Gryffindor; she'll listen to you. She'll accept your help. You're too vulnerable here. The Dark Lord does not know about us - yet," he emphasised. "I have managed to keep that part of my mind blocked from him, along with my true feelings concerning him. He must never find out about us! But I will still sleep easier knowing you are safe at the castle, working for Minerva." He held her tight, as she cried silently against his chest. "Please, Esme?"

"I'll consider it..." she choked out.

"You are going to have to tell her. Everything. Look at it this way - if you don't, Lupin just may give in and say something. It will be better coming from you."

She smiled at that, wiping her eyes. "That will not place me in her good graces, Severus. Only living relative or not!"

"Tell her what I've told you. If you approach her in her office, Dumbledore's portrait should vouch for you," he pointed out.

The sun's early morning rays caught her face as she considered his arguments. "It may work," she finally acceded.

He kissed her deeply. "I don't even know if they'll keep the school open," he said, drinking in her face. "You are the most important person to me, but I have to do this and this is the only way to keep you safe. What I do now may mean my death - in the end. I can face it better knowing you are protected." He was silent a moment and then taking a deep breath, made another request of her. "Tell the werewolf as well. I need someone in the Order I can get information to, once I am in deeply. If he is as loyal to you as you think he is, he should have no problem doing this for you and Potter."

She leaned her cheek up against his chest, taking comfort in his quiet strength, breathing in the scents of potions that permeated his clothes. He knew she would do as he asked.

Finally drying her eyes some more, she silently led him by the hand toward the bedroom. As they undressed she said, "You can stay here for a short while. I'll go to Auntie later this week and tell her what I deem necessary. Merlin's beard, I can hear her now," she sighed.

Snape smirked a bit at that remark as he removed his linen shirt and trousers. She caught it as she laid her dressing gown and shawl on the chair that had never been removed since she had been sick. Getting under the covers next to him she flicked a charm at the window curtains to close them against the morning glare.

"Oh, you laugh now. When she finds out I've been cavorting all these years with a Slytherin!"

"Even when she knows we truly love each other?" he bantered back.

"That is about the only thing that will save me from being transfigured into a mouse. And about the only thing that will save you, if she runs across you." She cuddled into his arms, laying her head on his shoulder. "I hope the portrait will back me up, Love," she said seriously.

"It will." He tightened his hold on her.

"Just Auntie and Remus, Severus - no one else."

"Just Minerva and the Wolf," he agreed.

"I heard about Karkaroff," she persisted.

He scowled into the dark room. "He ran. I, on the other hand, will not run." He moved soothing hands over her body, kissing her deeply, feeling her respond. She pressed herself to him, moulding her body against his in an intimate display of her love for him. He responded by pulling her on top of him, kissing her passionately and longingly, never wanting to leave his lover's arms; gods, it had been so long since they had loved each other properly.

Later, as he drifted off to an exhausted but sated sleep, Severus Snape firmly affixed this memory, deep, deep into the recesses of his mind as a bulwark against the dark times ahead. He never felt Casey jump onto the bed, curling up against his back.