The Case of the Obnoxious Customer

The Order meeting had just ended when Remus turned to Arthur. "Are you okay?" Remus looked at Arthur's face; the man looked as though he hadn't slept in months. "How is Molly?"

"Very pregnant," Arthur answered as though that weren't obvious. At the last Order meeting, Molly had looked (to the abject terror of every man present) about ready to pop. It had been a great relief that she had decided to absent herself from this one. "But in perfect health, thankfully."

Remus opened his mouth, about to make another delicate inquiry as to the nature of Arthur's distress, but Sirius stepped in.

"Sorry to put it like this, Arthur old man, but you look like hell."

"Sirius-" Remus hissed.

"Oi! If I left you to it, it'd be into next week before we had any idea what was the matter." Sirius was completely unapologetic.

Sometimes, Remus wondered how in the world he'd ever ended up with Sirius...but then again, he reflected, he wouldn't have him any other way.

Arthur sighed. "It's the Ministry."

Remus knew that Arthur had been working overtime. It was difficult to support a family on an entry-level Ministry job and the new baby on the way made it even harder. However, a few extra hours couldn't begin to account for the way Arthur's hands were shaking and his right eye occasionally twitched.

"There's this woman...Davidia Bunker. She has been calling the Ministry every day, never with the same problem twice. That harpy cannot be satisfied! And Ministry rules require that I go out and investigate every single customer complaint."

That Arthur was understating the level of irritation caused by the insane woman was easy to see; his eye twitch had more than tripled its frequency since he'd begun talking about her. "I just wish I knew what she wanted, so I could get rid of her!"

"Done!" Sirius stood up with glee, reaching into the pocket of his robes, which had been enchanted to hold many things, including...

"Bugger," Remus groaned and hid his face. He knew what was coming, but he figured if he didn't actually see it, it wouldn't be true.

But he could still hear, with unfortunate clarity, the distinctive sounds of Sirius taking out his hat, his pipe, and his thrice-damned magnifying glass and arming himself for a bit of amateur sleuthing.

"The game is afoot!" Sirius crowed triumphantly. "Weasley, consider your problem solved!"

Arthur just blinked and looked vaguely puzzled.

* * * * * *

"It is cold. It is damp. My knees are dirty, and I haven't had a cup of tea in hours!" Remus glared at Sirius, finding mere words inadequate to the task of expressing his very just and very British outrage. "Remind me again what exactly I am doing hiding in the shrubbery outside this woman's window?"

"Elementary, my dear Lupin. I waited for the most logical time and asked you to accompany me." Sirius waved aside the issue of tea as though it was of no concern. Heathen.

"Sirius, you quit halfway through giving me a blow job and then asked! That does not count." Some things were even more sacred than tea, but apparently Sirius didn't understand that either.

"Well, that was the most logical time. You're here, aren't you?"

Remus sighed and shook his head. "You still haven't answered my question, Padfoot. Why am I here?"

"We are going to solve the mystery, of course, any minute now. Look, Davidia is putting on her makeup!" Sirius sounded positively thrilled.

"So I see."

"You see, Remus, but you do not observe. Am I to be forced to point out the obvious?"

Just then, Davidia began casting spells to curl her beautiful, long red hair. "Um, they're all redheads? Arthur, Molly, Davidia... Far more redheads than one normally can find in one place." Remus hazarded vaguely, his mind largely preoccupied with the sensual delights offered by Earl Grey.

"Not bad. However, the red hair is just a red herring."

Even Sirius had to wince at that one.

When he recovered, he carried on as though the bad pun hadn't happened. "The makeup, Remus. Why would any woman put on makeup before calling to complain to the Ministry?"

"She probably puts it on every morning, Padfoot."

"Dark red lipstick? At ten in the morning? I don't think so." Sirius snorted derisively.

"Well, you would be the expert, wouldn't you. I bet you still have that pair of black satin knickers Lily made you wear..." Remus said, with a very smug grin.

Sirius blushed, but once again refused to take the bait. "Wait, look, she's calling now," he said, excited.

Two minutes later, there was a loud popping sound and Arthur Apparated outside Davidia's door. He looked like a man who had nothing to lose, a man about to face a firing squad without even the comfort of a final cigarette. With a deep and heavy sigh, Arthur rang the bell. Davidia answered almost immediately.

Remus quickly forgot about the cold and damp, forgot about the mud on his knees, forgot about...well, almost forgot about his tea.

Davidia spoke in low and passionate tones, all the while batting her eyelashes at an oblivious Arthur. Remus couldn't make out what she was saying - probably it was just a complaint of some sort - but she certainly did not look very upset to Remus. Quite the opposite, in fact, he thought as he watched her place her hand on Arthur's arm and move in even closer, until she was practically on top of the unfortunate man.

"Poor Arthur hasn't any idea," Sirius noted with a mixture of pity and amusement.

"Well, I'll be damned..." Remus said wonderingly.

* * * * * *

"So what did you do?" Remus asked over a cup of tea, much later that evening. He'd had a prior engagement and to his dismay had been unable to wrap up the case with Sirius after they'd finished spying on Davidia.

"Elementary, my dear Lupin. I told Molly all about it, and gave her Davidia's address."

"You're absolutely ruthless." Remus couldn't quite hide his admiration.

"Thank you." Sirius said with a very self-satisfied smile. "And now there's just one more detail to wrap up."

"What is that, pray tell?"

"The curious incident of the dog in the nighttime."

"Sirius, I remember this one. The dog didn't do anything in the nighttime!"

"Well, if you say so, I guess he didn't, then..."

"Wait, Sirius!"

"You had your chance."