Last Mistake

Chapter nine - Internal Battles

The deafening silence surrounded them as they strode down seemingly many hallways and staircases. They didn't need a wand to light their way around since he knew the castle like the back of his hand. Unbeknownst to him, Harry discomfort did not go unnoticed by her companion who witnessed his every shiver and the tension within his movements.

"Wait."

"What is it?"

"It's too quiet."

"And why do you think that is?" she replied, sarcastically. "Of course it's quiet. Any sane person would be asleep right now."

"Shh!" Harry grabbed Eaven and pulled her with him. They hid themselves in an adjoining hallway with the wall against their backs.

Then she heard it. Footsteps.

She was about to follow them when a strong arm held her back.

"What do you think you're doing?" he hissed.

"Following them," she replied, as if that was the only logical action. When she saw the serious expression on his face, she finally understood. "Relax Harry. They can't see us."

Harry's face visibly relaxed. "Right."

She smirked.

Harry ignored it. "Come on."

The two of them followed behind the unsuspecting intruders with ease. The figures were very quiet and seem to move with an admirable amount of speed and precision. Each of their steps seems calculated and prepared. For an outsider, the intruders seem to know their way around the castle as well as a seventh year. Harry's senses heightened at the potential danger despite the fact that he was an intangible form.

They continued to stay on their trail as they passed through the teachers' quarters. Harry had never been to this part of the castle and was surprised to know that Hogwarts have guestrooms.

They remained at a precautious distance when the intruders stopped at a door. Harry was immediately put on alert when they took out their wands. Eaven placed her hand on his shoulder, silently telling him to calm down.

With whispers of 'alohamora!' the door was unlocked. They burst inside only to find the room empty. One of them cast a silencing charm.

"Where is he?"

"Not here, that's for sure."

"Let's hope what we're looking for is here."

Harry and Eaven watched as the three men rummaged through every drawer in the room. They could hear every word since spells don't affect them.

"We should stop them."

"We can't. It's not my place."

"Fine, then I will-"

"Do what? You can't touch them, remember?"

"Hey! I can't get this one opened," one of the men said.

The tallest one of them walked over. "You tried alohamora?"

"Yeah."

"Portellous!"

The drawer blasted open and a small opened package was pulled out. Recognition sparked in Harry's mind, stirring precedent memories.

"He's here..." Harry whispered.

-

The grass crunched rather loudly beneath his feet. He felt as if he could wake the whole castle with just the echoes of his footsteps. With weighty thoughts in his head, he kept his steady pace on the ground. His hearing attuned to all the sounds around him. He could hear the slight whistle of the wind in his ears, the crunching of the grass, and the whispers of the night.

When his cane touched a solid structure in his path, he reached his hands to find that it was a tree. Cautiously, he stepped closer and lowered himself to sit and lean against the large trunk. His shoulder slumped in the exhaustion caused by his worries. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, he would know. If there weren't something he needed to accomplish, he wouldn't mind so much about being blind. But that just wasn't the case. He had to finish what he started. For Harry. For himself. And to do that, he couldn't be blind.

'I won't let you down, Harry. I'm going to find out who killed you. And they will pay for this.'

...:...:...:...

An hour later, he begins his slow walk back to the guestroom. He had memorized the turns he made at each interval, allowing him to make it back to his room without too much difficulty. Knowing that he could not wonder out during the day with the residents of Hogwarts awake, he was glad that he went out for a walk. However, he sensed that something was wrong when the door to the room he was staying in was opened. He remained on alert in case his intruders have not yet left.

Using his cane, he moved about the room, poking around to see if anything was misplaced. Before he completely realized it, he instinctively swung around with his cane stretch forward. Sirius heard a thud and someone groaning clearly in his ears. Listening to the sound, he moved his cane over and blindly placed it dangerously on his intruder's throat on the ground. He applied mild pressure on it to make sure that the intruder stay where he is.

"You might want to let him go, now," someone said from the direction behind him.

Sirius knowingly applied more pressure on his cane, making his victim choke.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," the voice said.

Sirius felt the wand jab against his chest where his heart is.

"Who are you and what do you want?" Sirius asked.

"A lot of things. We already have your blood, your sight... and now we just need your wand for a few seconds."

Sirius' heart sped up a bit at hearing that. These are the people that took his sight... If they wanted his wand, they were going to have to fight him for it. His mind snapped to alert at another pair of footsteps. There were three of them and apparently the third one was trying to sneak up on him.

"Well, you're not getting what you want today."

Quicker than anyone predicted a blind man could be, Sirius roughly shoved his cane against the fallen intruder's neck, causing him to lose immediate consciousness.

"Cruciatus!"

The powerful light sped passed Sirius' left ear and he recoiled back to avoid another spell. He had no idea where the fight in him came from but he was in no condition to question it.

When he found an opening, he took his cane and swung it hard in the direction where the voices came from. A sickening loud 'crack' rung soundly in his own ears as his cane met with the jaw of one of his intruders, knocking the large body down. However, before he could turn around, a deep sinister voice whispered beside his ear, "That's enough. I'm done playing games with you." Then a sharp pain stabbed him in the back causing him to lose all consciousness.

-

Is he alright...

yes...fine...

who...think...did this

no...idea...

was there...missing...

no...

The decibel of their voices slowly grew higher and higher in his ears. They sounded like multiple piles of jumbled thoughts and words that he was in no state to comprehend. As his awareness became more sufficient and pronounced, unfortunately so did the throbbing pain in his head.

...what did they want...we'll have to ask him when he's up...they were looking for something...things were broken into...trashed...

My wand. They wanted my wand.

He didn't try to open his eyes yet. Wanting to hear what the occupants of the room were saying, he listened in silent. His head was throbbing harder the more his senses heightened and he had to stop himself from groaning aloud. He wasn't ready to make his presences known. He wasn't ready for the immanent questioning he would be pulled into, when he himself has as many questions as, he knew, they would have for him.

Recalling the events that put him in his current condition, he felt more curious than afraid. There were running images of it now, if he thought hard enough, the words spoken, their actions, their intentions...they ran rampant in his mind.

"Who are you and what do you want?" Sirius asked.

"A lot of things. We already have your blood, your sight... and now we just need your wand for a few seconds."

No, he concluded. They weren't there to kill him. That was never their intention. Sure, they took his sight, but he was alive, wasn't he? They told him straight out that they wanted his wand. Not permanently, but for a mere few seconds. The question was, was for? What can they do that only requires a few seconds or minutes? Why was he their target? Who are they? He didn't know and wouldn't be able to think until his head cleared.

However, there was something else that nagged at him irritably. It was something they said. Something he didn't quite understand.

"We already have your blood..."

-

They were outside now, walking at distinctly different paces. Him, with a tenseness that she couldn't fathom. Her, with a slowness of reluctance.

She followed his steps and eventually stopped when she realized that he was going in circles. Eaven wasn't sure what caused the sudden change in him. What they saw couldn't have caused his great unease. Perhaps...it was something that she herself missed.

Now that she thought about it, Harry had stiffened after the intruders blasted through a drawer that revealed...revealed...a package. Yes, that must be it. But why would a package cause him to act this way? Unless...yes...unless it was that package.

Harry's mind was reeling. So many thoughts and emotions went through him, with no way to ease them. He couldn't stop thinking about it. He was here. Of all things unexpected, this was certainly among the highest on his list. Of all that could happen...

He was here.

Because of everything that went on, everything that is going on, he had temporarily put them aside. His past. The people. And of course...Sirius. His obsession with finding out the truth of his own demise made him forget about everything else.

Everything else that mattered the most to him.

Everything else that still matters the most to him.

But it was over. It was in his past. He had done what he needed to do and it's over. It's over. Eaven, his only companion, told him that he could do the impossible. That he could go back. Part of him screamed in happiness at the hope that it gave. He would be able to see everyone he cared about and it would be the last time he had to face his nemesis.

But there was another part of him, the more pessimistic side of him that brought him down, made him scoff in the absurdity in believing such hope. People die and parish all the time, but they don't come back to life. That was the way it works as far as anyone knew. And he himself believed it to be true too.

Or perhaps, it was more an excuse than anything else. But an excuse for what?

Oh, he knew. He knew deep down beyond the many doors, gates, and locks surrounding his heart that he wasn't ready to face his fears so soon again. Remus was right, what he feared most was fear itself. He had already faced them once and hasn't recovered enough to brace its ugly face again. The face of his fears. An instinctual urge to run and hide gripped him and he fought them as he did many, many times before.

Only this time, he wasn't sure he had anything left in him to beat his demons.

He wasn't sure that he even wanted to.

-

After what seemed like countless tests, potions, and nagging, he was allowed to leave the hospital wing. They also took the opportunity examine his eyes and this time, Sirius allowed them.

As they exit, Sirius didn't bother to tell Remus that he didn't need an escort because he knew it wouldn't do any good. Besides, he was too tired to try and remember his way back to the room. Instead, Remus walked ahead of him and he followed the sounds of his footsteps.

When they entered the guestroom, most of the scattered pieces of broken wood were cleaned up.

"What had they broken into?" Sirius asked.

"Everything."

"What about the drawer next to the desk?"

"They blasted that open."

Sirius slowly walked over to the drawer and felt for what he knew was there. Feeling the package in his hands, he pulled it out. When he looked inside the package with his hand, he found it empty.

Remus walked closer to see what that was all about when Sirius stood up unexpectedly.

"Stop moving," he ordered.

"Wh?"

"Lift your foot and tell me if you see anything," said Sirius.

He heard the distinct sound of metal when Remus began walking towards him. He wasn't sure what he'd find. He just knew that there was something to be found.

Remus did as told and he bent down to pick up the small object.

"It's a key."

-

"You can't make those thoughts go away by pacing," she said, her voice laced with annoyance.

"I know," was his reply.

"Then stop. Come here and sit down," she gestured toward the space beside her.

Harry kept walking back and forth, not wanting to stand still much less to sit down.

"You knew they'd be here. The people you know."

"Yes, I expected Remus to be there. I expected Dumbledore to be there. Hell, I even expected Snape to be there. But not him. Not him."

"Why not?" she questioned.

He kept pacing, his feet crunching the same patches of grass over and over again.

'Because I don't want him to be here,' he thought. "I don't know," he answered instead.

"Why is this bothering you so much?"

"Why not? I didn't expect to be here. I didn't expect to see any of them ever again and now they're within my reach and out of it at the same time. How do you expect me to feel? To just be happy to see them again? Things changed. I can't just jump back in there like it didn't happen. I died."

"Well, so did a part of all of them."

Harry fell silent. He knew he was only making excuses. They didn't need him back. The world doesn't need him anymore. Why should he try to go back to the life that he had? Why should he burden those he loved anymore than he already did? They deserved a peace of mind without worrying about him.

And the Weasleys, he hoped they consider his death as a repayment of his debt to killing a member of their family. He hoped that it would be enough, knowing that it couldn't mend the hollow parts in their heart that Fred's departure left.

So, all in all, it's not worth it. There isn't anything that's keeping him there anyway. He didn't have a family, no children, no lover, no attachments...all the things that made him all the more eligible as the man to face Voldemort. He didn't have a life outside of fighting Voldemort and now that he had a chance to go back, it was just a return to the vicious cycle of that life. The life he never wanted in the first place.

The life he didn't want to go back to.

He stopped pacing and turn to look at Eaven. She stared back in an unquestioning gaze, only waiting patiently for Harry to speak his thoughts.

"Forget my feelings, they don't matter anyway."

"Tha-"

"No," he cut her off."You listen to me. If your job is to help me, then here's what you're going to do. You're going to help me become solid. You're going to help me track down the people that wanted me dead and you're going to help me stop them from getting the ingredients they need to bring Voldemort back. And lastly, you're going to help me move on by finding a way to kill my body."

"But-"

"I'm already dead. Now I just need my living empty body to let me go."

"I can't help you do that."

"You can. You will. Once I make sure Voldemort stays dead, my job here will be done."

"You're saying that you don't want to go back."

He signed heavily as his hand absently rubbed hisright shoulder. With his gaze locked on the forbidden forest, he spoke with a calmness that seemed to mean finality.

"I don't."

From the tone of his voice, she knew that he wouldn't hear otherwise. True, it was her job to help Harry but it was also her job to help him under her discretion. She knew his feelings were clouding his choices and she also knew that he had many unfinished business that will never let him go unless he resolved them.

For now though, she would do what he says to an extent while trying to convince him to go back. After all, who was she to mess with fate? It was out of her hands as much as his' whether he lives or moves on.

"When do you want to begin?" she asked.

"As soon as possible."

"Then we'll start tomorrow. I'll train you."

-

It was the afternoon and Remus was heading towards Sirius' room after he had taken a short nap. Madame Promfrey informed him that she needed to speak to Sirius about the test results. Despite his tries at persuasion, she refused to tell him anything unless Sirius was present.

That worried Remus.

If it were good news, there would be no reason to keep it from him till she's seen Sirius. Taking a deep breath, he slowly knocked on his door. It opened a second later. He saw Sirius putting down his wand as he entered.

He was sitting at the same spot as he had for the majority of the time that Remus had seen him. Sirius sat facing the desk, his hands memorizing every edge, texture, and shape of the key. There was no note, nothing to tell him what the key would open. But he would figure it out.

"I assume this is about the test results," said Sirius.

"Yes. Madame Promfrey asked me to come get you. She can't leave the hospital at the moment but she has to speak with you."

"Then I shouldn't keep her waiting," he said, standing up with the help of his cane.

When Sirius was about to walk by him, Remus placed his hand lightly on Sirius' shoulder.

"If something happens...I just want to let you know that I'll be here to help you anyway I can."

Remus couldn't read Sirius' expression from his sunglasses covered eyes. Sirius surprised him by removing Remus' hand from his shoulder and patting him back on his back.

"I know you will, Moony," he said, before walking out the door.

...:...:...:...

They were in the hospital wing faster than Sirius would have liked. Most would say that he was adjusting well to his blindness but that was only a façade. Beyond his tough exterior, he was afraid of never seeing again. He was afraid that it would stop him from avenging Harry and finding the one that was responsible for his death.

The Aurors and the Department of Magical Law Enforcement were useless. They haven't been able to provide justice to the one who died for them and he was angry and enraged for that. He had waited, given them numerous chances to do their job and to redeem themselves but they never took them. Now, he knew he would have to do it himself if he wanted it accomplished.

Madame Promfrey led them to the privacy of her office when they entered. They were given chairs to sit down on, but neither really cared about their level of comfort at the moment. Sirius was impatient. He wanted to know straight out, as there was no point in dragging it out.

"What have you found out?" asked Sirius.

"I don't know what you've been doing to get yourself in this situation. Your sight seem to have been taken by a spell as I've found traces of it in the results."

"What type of spell?"

"That's the problem. I've never seen anything like it and it may take more research than usual to find out."

"More importantly, is it repairable?" asked Remus.

"Yes. But it won't be easy and it may take up to a month or more for it to be repaired."

"I'll do all that's needed to be done," Sirius answered, letting out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

"It'll be painful," she told him.

"That won't be a problem," he replied.

'There can't be anything more painful than losing Harry.'

Most of all, there can't be anything more agonizing than feeling as if you'd never stop hating the world and everything in it.