Lord Snotface

Lord Snotface

Ernie Macmillan raised his hand, and instantaneously, the large crowd silenced itself. "Look, guys, if you want to figure this out, we've gotta have some kind of order in this room. Now, does anyone have any idea of how to use our newfound knowledge to help wizardkind?" A girl in a muggle shirt that said "Lakers" raised her hand. "Yes? You in the purple and yellow shirt!" A few people snickered at her, but the girl didn't even blush.

"I've got a question. Ok, so I've heard that snot can somehow save Harry, but I don't understand how that works. Would you explain it?"

"Uh, to tell you the truth, I don't really- I'm not really sure-"

"Honestly, Ernie, I can't imagine why you're in Advanced Potions! This is just so elementary!" Hermione burst out rudely, her face flushed. "I should think it would be obvious to any dolt who had even tried to read Potions for the O-Level Student, which I assume you have. When you mix snot with wolfsbane in a cast-iron cauldron for ten full minutes, stirring counter-clockwise seven times each minute and then alternately pouring powdered colts flower with chunks of kosher salt for two minutes, then taking the cauldron off of the fire and-" Hermione looked around the room at that point, and stopped short when she saw every student in the packed room staring at her, mouth completely agape.

"Hermione," Ron began. "Look, we know that you're bloody brilliant and all, but we're not, even though Ernie and Harry are very nearly so, and that just doesn't give you the snerf to be so rude and condescending!"

"I-I..." Hermione, to her surprise, found herself at a loss for words for a moment, but quickly regained her composure. "I suppose I might have been a bit ill-mannered," she graciously allowed, "but you all have got to admit that it is ridiculously easy!" She glanced around the room, saw the students rolling their eyes at one another, and hastily amended her statement. "Er, well, I guess not to everybody. But, anyway, the point that I was trying to make is just that if we would subject Professor Dumbledore's nasal mucus to a few simple procedures, it would become a dumblephile mass, loyal to Dumbledore and his followers and prepared to fight their enemies to the death. Oh, and by the way, powersnot, as it is commonly known, has won every single battle it's ever fought, save for one."

"So, then, if You-Know-Who would create powersnot, it would fight himself?" Baron suggested, a sly smile on his face.

"Very funny, Ramsey," Theo retorted. "Clearly, the powersnot is loyal only to the leader of the people who produce it, so You-Know-Who's snot would be loyal to You-Know-Who himself, if, of course, You-Know-Who could make powersnot in the first place. However, since he can't produce it, there's no question!"

"Huh?" seemed to be all the onlookers were capable of saying, until the Lakers fan found her voice.

"Why?"

Theo looked puzzled for a moment, then responded, "Why is the snot loyal to the leader of the producer? Well-"

"No! I mean why can't U-No-Poo - I mean," the girl reddened at this Freudian slip, but soon continued, "I mean, You-Know-Who, yes, You-Know-Who, well- why can't he create powersnot?" she stammered.

"Uh, duh?! He hasn't got any snot, you know!" Harry exclaimed.

"And how exactly would you know that? -Oh, wait! Maybe I don't want to know!" the Lakers girl declared, and everyone chuckled and, Harry noticed, looked mischievously gleeful. (Harry also observed that he wasn't altogether repulsed by this quirky, spontaneous girl who so proudly wore her muggle gear. In fact, he may have possibly liked her a teeny weeny bit- but not in that way, you understand- and casually asked Hermione quietly about the girl. He discovered that she went by the name of Squasher, since her real name was Apple Paltrow, which was just an awful name, in her opinion, and Harry found that he didn't particularly mind her names, either.)

"If you must know," Harry began, " and get ready for some serious barfitude, when the old geezer grabbed me by the collar of my robe and spat in my face, I got a right good look up his schnoz, and let me tell you, there is no snot in there! It's as clean as Madam Pomfrey's potions cabinet! His nose is kind of flat- well, actually, it's very flat- and he just plain hasn't got snot!"

"Ok, thanks, but no thanks!" more than one kid echoed. "Gross!" When Harry looked at Squasher, she made a gagging motion and pretended to upchuck, but he saw the half smile hanging around her full pink lips, and he smiled back at her.

"Wow, you're all mature!" Theo commented sarcastically. "In any case, now you all have a nice, vivid, graphic image of the reason that You-Know-Who can't create powersnot. The leader's snot is the main ingredient, and this guy hasn't got any!" Theo blew his nose loudly into a tissue just then, and everyone laughed. "So, Ernie, would you like to present your plan to defeat Him?"

"Sure, Theo," Ernie replied. "So, now that all of the questions have been cleared up," he said as he scanned the room, checking the validity of this assumption. He saw that it was indeed correct, and continued, "here is my plan. We'll ask Dobby to put sneezing powder onto Dumbledore's lemon drops, and Winky to secure all the tissues that he will, inevitably, use, and once we have them-"

"No! Absolutely not! That is revolting! You would actually have Winky, that poor, abused creature, pick up used tissues for you?!" Hermione interrupted angrily. "I don't think so!"

"Yo, Herm! Relax, awright?" Ron interjected. "She can wear gloves- she won't have to touch them! Do you want Harry to die? Is that what you're-"

"Okay! Fine! I get it! There's no need to shout, you know!" Hermione shouted loudly.

"Erm, Hermione? I'm not the one shouting." Ron gently pointed out, and received a murderous glare in return. The room was silent for a moment, until Ernie decided to continue.

"Um, ok. So, as I was saying, um-right! So once we have the snot, we just have to follow Hermione's instructions, since she clearly understands the process very well, and then we should have the key to saving Harry's life! With the powersnot, there is pretty much no way for him to lose to You-Know-Who. We will defeat the Dark Side forever! Everybody ready?"

The room quickly filled with shouts of, "Yeah!" "Let's go!" "Whatcha waitin' for?" and, loudest of all, "Ugly Voldy, here we come!" as the mass of people stormed towards the Kleenex boxes stacked simply in the corner. As Harry watched them go at it, he saw Squasher raise a large family-size blue box over her head and scream, "Yee-haw! Let's go grab Dumbledore's snot!" and he smiled.

"This looks like it's gonna be fun!" he told Ron and Hermione hopefully.