Idjit's Ahoy

Idjit's Ahoy!

Participants - Harry Potter, the Dursleys, the Malfoys, Fred and George Weasley, Neville Longbottom and his grandmother, Crabbe and Goyle. And myself as the author.

Harry was lounging at the side of the pool, when his balloon lookalike cousin Dudley decided to perform a bellyflop.

Aside from the fact that he got nice and cooled off from the nasty Nevada sun, he was given the extra pleasure of seeing Draco and his father get tossed out of the pool and onto the deck by the tidal wave created by his cousin's monolithic splash.

How the bloody heck the Dursleys, Harry, and the Malfoys all managed to be at the same casino hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada, could only be explained by me, the author, but they were there.

At this point Lucius Malfoy was getting into it with Vernon Dursley and Draco decided to go off on Harry. "YOUR STUPID COUSIN JUST THREW ME AND MY FATHER OUT OF THE POOL WITH THAT SPLASH!"

Harry grinned and made a satisfied 'aahhh' noise and turned over to tan his back. "Nice, Malfoy...hey, your dad just got clocked by my uncle!"

Across the pool...

"AAAGH!! STUPID MUGGLE!"

"AUUGH! ONE OF THOSE FREAKS! PETUNIA! SAAAVE MEEEE!!"

Vernon Dursley dove underneath the deck chairs and started rubbing a little blue rabbit's foot very hard, then Lucius Malfoy started forward but he got smacked on the top of the head. "YEOW! Who the--" He turned around. "AAAA!" He dove underneath the deck chair with Vernon and snatched the rabbits foot out of his hand and the two decided to fight over a 99c rabbits foot Vernon got the last time Harry did something.

Neville Longbottom's Grandmother had arrived. That vulture on the top of the hat was scary... "Hey Harry!" Neville said and, poor him, slipped on a pool floatie and fell in the water.

"Stupid Longbottom, that thing had it written on it 'do not step on this floatie,'" Draco muttered and, forgetting that he was standing next to the pool, he did a faceplant in the water when he turned around and stepped in.

"Ahh...go get me a drink, Malfoy," Harry said and Draco glared at him. Nobody noticed that he had *somehow* lost his swim trunks, and moi, as the author, decided to do something about it.

"Young man! You are waaay to young to be stripping! At least get an ass to talk about before you do it!" Neville's grandmother yelled and thwapped Draco on the head just the same as she'd done his dad, who was at this point cowering at the sight of Granny Longbottom's umbrella.

Draco looked down and his normally nearly white skin went RED. "...AAAAA!" and Draco went running and screaming (stark naked, no less) into the casino lobby. Alternately, screams, and 'ooohs and ahhs' were heard.

"HOME VIDEO!" Harry yelled and ran by, clutching Dudley's video camera.

"GAAAAAH! POTTER!! KAMEHAMEHA!"

*dead silence*

"Um...Malfoy? What's 'Kamehameha?' A spell?" Harry asked blankly, looking at Draco like he was stupid. "And when's it start?"

*author shakes head sorrowfully and is about to write exactly what the Kamehameha is when she gets called away to go clean some windows. Drat.*

"No! It's um...energy! It's from a Muggle show."

"WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT WATCHING MUGGLE TELEVISION!! IT ROTS YOUR BRAIN!" Lucius yelled.

"Umm...sir? To enter the lobby you must be dressed..." a poor little bellhop said.

"SHUT UP!" Lucius yelled and went off on a ranting spiel about the evils of Muggle television.

"He thinks that some kind of X-ray wave thing comes out and frys your brain if you watch television too much," Narcissa said and watched them. "Actually, that's only from cell phones."

"Men are all idiots, want to go get a drink?" Petunia said and yawned.

"Sure."

And Petunia and Narcissa walked off to go find the bar and would eventually decide that living with their husbands wasn't fullfilling enough, and that they actually loved each other. Awww...*cough, cough*

"I hate this author," Vernon said.

"Aw, hush up, you'll probably be dead anyway by the end of this ficcie, best not to cheese off the already stressed author. Besides, I'm getting some killer footage," Harry said and zoomed in on a VERY pissed off Draco.

Suddenly the lights blew out and stagelights centered on one place (specifically, the door to the Gift Shop), and two weird guys came out.

"WE HAVE ARRIVED! THE PARTY CAN BEGIN!" Fred...er...George--no, Fred! Aw, heck, one of the Weasley twins said. "And what a party we're gonna have!"

"Why am I afraid?" Draco muttered as he snatched some woman's jacket.

"HEY! It's our little guinea pig! Like our ton-tongue toffee!" one of them said, and grinned at Dudley. "Want another one?"

"EEEEEE!! MOMMMMYYYY!!" But of course, Petunia Dursley was not anywhere to be found, she was at the bar with Narcissa Malfoy. "EEEEEE!!! DADDDDYYYY!!"

"Get off! You're so fat you'll crush me!" Vernon yelled.

"Mommy wasn't this mean!"

"Your mommy's a lesbo!" Vernon yelled.

"What's that?" Dudley asked like a stupid idiot, and he was a stupid idiot, so he had a reason to ask.

Everyone looked at each other and Vernon finally figured out that Dudley was irreversibly a twit. Thank GOD I was wondering if anything could penetrate that steel-reinforced skull of his.

"Here, Draco, put this on," Harry said and nicely passed Draco some clothes. Draco put them on and didn't exactly look to see what he was putting on. "Smile!"

Draco looked at Harry for a moment, then down at what he was wearing. "AAIIEEE!! What kind of sick joke is this, Potter!!" He was wearing a red and gold robe with 'GRYFFINDOR RULZ' on the front in flashing neon letters.

"Wouldn't take it off, Malfoy, you've got nothing on under it," Harry said and ran away, holding the video camera over his shoulder and making sure the camera got a GOOD look at Draco, who was chasing Harry.

"FUCK YOU, POTTER!" Draco yelled as he finally gave up chasing.

"YOU WISH, MALFOY!" Harry yelled back, and turned the camera onto his own face. "And I thought I would hate this trip."

"Hey! Don't forget us!" um...one of the Weasley twins yelled.

"I'm FRED! F R E D! You're the author! You're supposed to be able to tell the difference!"

"So sue me! I'm only human, unfortunately," I muttered that last 'unfortunately' part WAAAY under my breath. "Now stop talking to me! I'm invisible! Invisible! Jeez! What? Do I need a better place to sit than in the middle of the casino?"

"Um, maybe?" one of the Wealey twins said.

"Hush it before I write a nasty little fic about you with Malfoy's dad!" I yelled and brandished my favorite kitchen knife.

"Eew...you wouldn't dare..." the same Weasley twin said.

"Don't tempt me!"

"We were only kidding! You can refer to us as 'one of the Weasley twins!!'" one of the Weasley twins cried out, cringing at the very THOUGHT.

"Yeah! Go me! Now where did that stupid Kahlua stuff get to? Mom made tiramisu or however you spell it with the lady fingers SOAKED in cocoa liquor...which is why I'm writing like this...I ain't drunk though!!"

"No...but you're clinical," Lucius muttered.

"SHUT UP or I'll write it! Or maybe I'll make it a nice orgy with Voldemort..."

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" more than one voice screamed.

"I am so evil," I said and grinned.

Whap!!

"OOWWW!"

"Ha ha!"

"It's upgraded to PORNFIC!"

*silence*

"You're underage young lady!!" Granny Longbottom yelled, and waved the umbrella.

"It was for dessert!! Dessert! I swear!" I yelled and dove underneath some table and kept on typing.

Out of nowhere big pink strips of goo come out and take Granny Longbottom and her umbrella FAR, FAR away from me and my poor head.

"Are you going to go away and leave us alone yet?" Draco whined, still in the GRYFFINDOR RULZ robes, and Harry was taking full advantage of the timed release on MY camera to run and grab Draco and make a peace sign into the lens just for the hell of it so both Harry AND a very sad looking Draco was in the picture. Just for posterity. Mwahaha...

You're probably wondering just when Crabbe and Goyle are going to get into this fic. Well they made some last minute notifications...I think they're sharing a suite somewhere in the far, uninhabited regions of the hotel...'nuff said.

"OH MY GOD ARE YOU A SICK FREAK OR WHAT?!" everyone yelled.

"Hey! It's THIER business! Who'm I to stand in the way of love?"

"Eew, GROSS! And I actually TALKED to them!" Draco yelled.

"Cool!" Petunia said and raised up a martini glass, one of about several thousand.

"Cheers!" Narcissa said. "Night, everyone!"

And they all went 'poof' back to Harry Potterland.

And I was left with nothing better to do than to go to bed. Horrible ending, no? Oh well. That's what happened, after all. Ciao--at least until I manage to get the next chapter of BH out of my head! Ja ne!