I Shagged the Order of the Phoenix!

Lord Voldemort stood glaring at Harry Potter. "You cannot escape this time, Potter."

"Sod off you bugger! I am NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!" Harry Potter yelled, struggling against the binding ropes Voldemort had placed upon him.

"Yes you will! I am the Dark Lord! I have POWER! I have NEEDS!" He waved his wand threateningly.

"Yeah, that's what I am afraid of, you twit, " Harry muttered under his breath. Aloud, he proclaimed, "I will not service your needs! You are a stupid, sodding, bloody, accursed, little bastard, Voldemort! Go shag Bellatrix Lestrange!"

"I shagged your mother! I will shag you!" Voldemort yelled. He had expected the boy, who was SO very weak, to succomb easily.

"You WHAT?!" Harry said in horror.

"I shagged your dear old Mudblood mum! It was best sex of my life! I never knew Muggles had it in them!" Voldemort cried loudly, smiling at the memory. "Maybe I should stop killing them off...."

"Yes, you should! We have been telling you that for years! Stop killing people who are good in bed--I mean, Muggles!" said Harry.

Voldemort turned to him. "Only if you agree to have sex with me."

"NO!" a horror-struck Harry bellowed. "I told you the last time, it was the LAST time! We will not have sex again!"

"Please?" Voldemort, powerful Dark Lord, master of the Dark Arts, got down on one knee. "Just one more time? Please? Just for your mother's memory? I swear I will stop killing Muggles!" He implored.

"Fine!" Harry consented. "But remember the condom this time!"

"Okay! Yay! Hey, do you mind a bit of necromancy?"

Harry stared, trying to decipher the question. "Necro-what? What's that to do with this situation?"

"Oh, dear boy, as I said, your mother was the best sex of my life. Do you object to a threesome?" Voldemort smiled hopefully.

"That's just....just..." Harry was too grossed out for words. "That's disturbing! Sex with my own mother?! I'm not an American! I'm not an animal! At least, I don't think I am, the Animagus thing went wrong." Just to clarify, Harry tried to turn into an animal and, instead of being an animal, he sprouted a good deal of large, puffy, purple hair. "Crap, " he muttered.

Voldemort sighed. "Let me remove that, dear boy." He waved his wand in a bored manner and accidently gave Harry a purple mustache too. "Well, at least you look better than Remus Lupin. His mustache is as bad as his ability in bed. Not at all like your father."

Harry started. "Have you shagged everyone in the Order?!"

"No. The only one I haven't convinced of my ability is that Metamorphmagus. She can put up a good fight. I like that in a girl. So pretty when she wants to be...." Voldemort trailed off dreaming about Tonks.

"That's disturbing, Voldemort. Just disturbing. Though, I have to ask, how was Dumbledore?"

Voldemort smiled. "He may hate me, but he is great in bed! I haven't felt that young since I shagged your Auror friend Mad-eye Moody."

Harry blinked. "What......?"

"I said...oh nevermind, you stupid boy. Now, on to necromancy!" He busied himself for a few minutes doing things to acheive necromancy to bring Lily Potter back to life, giving Harry time to cut the ropes binding him and escape silently through Voldemort's house's screen door onto the back patio.

"Ah, the relief of freedom. Voldemort is such a nymphomaniac!" Harry said as he calmly got on his broom and flew away. Voldemort could be kept busy by his mother, but he, Harry, had some buisness of a romantic way with the stunningly pretty Muggle-born Hermione. Voldemort had been right, he thought, Muggles are great sex!