Mission Fluff 16, with a Sundae

The dark, evil tower of Azkaban rose above the dark land around it. The wind hissed airily through the trees. Slowly, the joints of the evil place strained and twisted and sagged.

As if the prisoners didn't have enough to worry about already, now they were sea sick.

Two dark figures crept through the grass and trees and vanished mysteriously into the black tower. Not a noise could be heard, and the whole earth held its breath...

"I don't WAAANNNT to let all those unworthy MEN out of prison!"

And Bellatrix Lestrange successfully ruined the atmosphere of the great escape. (Mission Fluff 16 With a Sundae, Just Like the Last One, but THIS One Has a Cherry, Whipped Cream, Chocolate, AND Taffy Sprinkles on Top, so There You Greasy Git: Let All The Death Eaters Captured At The Ministry Free: given this name so that nobody is likely to guess it's meaning.... That is, unless they stay to hear the later half of the title.) Oh, and the first part: that is what comes from letting two people who hate each other as much as Bellatrix and Severus take turns naming the missions.

"Bella!" a harsh whisper answered quickly. It had the very distinct air of being released through tightly clenched teeth. "How many times must I tell you that this is NOT THE TIME TO DISCUSS IT?"

'Bella' whined back in an undertone, "Not that many-"

"Yes, that many."

"Yes, my Lord, lots and lots."

The Dark Lord seethed.

"What ever possessed me to bring you with me on this mission?" The Dark Lord looks poignantly in the author's direction.

Uhh....

"Never mind. Let's get going, Bella."

Since the dementors aren't guarding Azkaban anymore, it is easily penetrable for the Dark Lord, though it is rather difficult for Bellatrix, who stumbles over her cloak, attempts to stop and use Avada Kedavra on every mouse or bug they see, can hardly avoid teasing all the sleeping guards in a baby voice, and repeatedly falls to her knees and wraps her arms around the Dark Lord's knees to beg him to crucio her until her skin boils which the Dark Lord finds endlessly more charming when they are alone together after a battle and he has time to crucio her and then... well, that sort of private thing is not the kind of thing that the Dark Lord speaks or thinks of to anyone.

"Except me."

And the Dark Lord jumps right out of his socks, whose soft, fuzzy yellowness would've made Albus Dumbledore's mouth water.

There is a very awkward silence as Severus Snape pushes the fuzzy, and, for him at least, completely foreign objects delicately back beneath the Dark Lord's billowing black robes. Fuzzy soft things make Severus very nervous, you know.

BUT, to get back to the point: Severus Snape has just popped out the black shadows and into the more very-dark-grey shadows of the prison hall to declare, in front of the Dark Lord's most jealous lover, that he Severus is frequently told many secrets by the Dark Lord that nobody else knows. This makes the Dark Lord very nervous, as it is not likely that he could find a sufficient replacement if Bellatrix were to leave (the idea of Severus Snape or Lucius Malfoy in his bed was much more disturbing to the Dark Lord than it was pleasing).

"Well," the Dark Lord leaps onward, ignoring his very angry lover, pulling inquiringly on his sleeve, "where have you come from, Severus? Shouldn't you be at Hogwarts getting ready to ship off that little blond brat's body to his pathetic father?"

Severus turned a little bit green.

"Well... actually... he's still alive."

"Good GOD, someone drag him over here and I'll kill him, this is taking MUCH too long-"

"No sir, actually... he's umm... finished the job."

There is a deadly pause.

"Excuse me, Severus. What is that you just said?"

"My Lord," Snape's face screws up as he speaks, "actually..." By now, his head resembles a very hairy potato with black slits it (those being Snape's squished features). "Actually, I finished the job."

*chirping*

*more chirping*

*I'm sorry, the Dark Lord's brain is currently on overload, but if you'd like to come back later....*

*it's not later, you dolt, it's only been like two seconds*

*the Dark Lord's brain isn't in, but if like to leave a message please do so after the beep....*

*beep!*

*Never mind, I'm afraid the Dark Lord isn't taking messages.*

The invisible spirit of Albus Dumbledore returns briefly from the heavens to give the "Dark Lord" a gentle rap on the back of the head, "Hello, Tom. Are you still there?"

"WHAT?!"

Now it's Severus's turn to jump out of his socks. And Bellatrix jumps out of hers too, just so that Severus doesn't get all the lime light.

Severus's socks are very much too small for him, but he could hardly help that, since they don't make Spiderman socks in his size anymore. Bellatrix had two, burgundy, skimpy, velvet, Barely There socks which knocked Voldemort back into momentary shock, they were so reminiscent of that dress she'd worn that one time... but he quickly came to again.

"Funny, Severus, I don't remember telling you to kill my arch... well, one of my arch enemies."

Severus began to speak, trying to ignore Bellatrix exposing part of her smooth leg as she slipped one of her velvet socks back on. However, THE DARK LORD (who would like to remind Albus Dumbledore that the name is not just a suggestion, but a LAW, and is not to be mocked, put in quotes, or sniggered, chuckled, chortled, snorted, or HUMMED at) held up his hand to shut him up, which worked promptly (THE DARK LORD would like to point out to Dumbledore that the simple raising of his hand could shut Severus up because THE DARK LORD possesses IMENSE POWER and PRISTIGE. He would also like to remind Dumbledore that he is DEAD and should thus be spending ALL of his times in the heavens WITHOUT EXCEPTIONS. And, on that note:) THE DARK LORD continued.

"Yes, Severus, I actually remember the plan being that Draco Malfoy would die trying to kill Dumbledore, so that his slimy, bloated-ego, dashingly handso- oh, God, did I say that out loud?" THE DARK LORD performed a simple memory charm and wiped the last adjective from his listeners minds, with it wiping away a most murderous look which had appeared on his jealous lover's face (and by jealous lover, I mean Bellatrix). "Anyhow, it was meant to pay back Lucius for being a fool, wasn't it? But, NO, apparently I was mistaken, as you seem to have taken it upon yourself to save brat boy, to blow your cover at Hogwarts, to ensure that Lucius has his way like always, and to wipe away the one man who makes me tremble with a tiny sweep of your hand as though he were no scarier than a FLY when I still have NIGHTMERES about him! Severus, I don't remember telling you to leave us with no way to punish Lucius, to go through a mid-life crisis without informing me first, OR... OR TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A SILLY LITTLE BOY WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BOOGIE MAN!"

(Who the "Dark Lord" has learned last month, is supposedly not real.)

....

"AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

(The "Dark Lord" would've ripped out all his hair just then, but he is, unfortunately, bald.)

THE DARK LORD refuses to speak with dead people.

(And he certainly is rubbing it in a lot for being upset about it.)

....

Severus stared, now a very unhealthy shade of green, at THE DARK LORD.

"That's not quite all, My Lord."

THE DARK LORD made a very funny shape with his mouth, which he must have imagined to be a smile.

"Not all?"

"No. I screamed at the Potter boy for calling me a coward and proclaimed to him that I was the Half-Blood Prince."

THE DARK LORD's lips struggled, but alas, they fought a loosing battle. Exactly in sync with his lover, he broke out into hysterical laughter. And as both of them stood there, cackling in identically high-pitched, spine-tingling, nail-on-a-chalk-board, ear-piercing, screaming, evilly happy voices, Severus Snape remembered why it was that he had decided to spy for Dumbledore way back when. He felt more like an idiot now, than a coward, having decided so suddenly to switch back to being completely on the "Dark Lord's" side.

The laughter halted suddenly.

"Severus," THE DARK LORD asked coolly, "was my name in quotes just then?"

"erm... just a reflex from when I was trying to make Dumbledore think I was on his side, but I was really only on yours, even though I had most everybody really unsure as to which side I was on, except for you and Dumbledore, but I couldn't be on BOTH of your sides, so Dumbledore was wrong, and you were right My Lord."

....

"Do those Spiderman socks make you feel brave, Severus?" THE DARK LORD said in a very quiet, very contained, very laughing voice.

Severus frowned down at the red and blue socks. He didn't really see what that had to do with anything.

"Wellllll?" THE DARK LORD grinned.

"I suppose," he muttered reluctantly.

The other two of them burst into fits of spontaneous laughter again.

"The guards are going to come," Severus snapped moodily, shoving his socks back onto his feet.

THE DARK LORD threw an arm over Severus's shoulder and the three began to make there way out, THE DARK LORD limping from terrible laughter and Bellatrix crawling on the floor for the same reason. Severus glowered all the way out.

Well, at least he got to name the next mission.

Maybe he'd put a Spiderman candle on the sundae.

That'd show her.