Yearning

She awoke with a start. The moonlight streamed in from the window allowing her to survey the room. She looked at the books that lay strewn on the tables and chairs and the fire that lay smouldering in the hearth. This was her room, her home, and yet she awoke every night with the same gasp and struggle for breath. She would sit up in bed, with her eyes closed and her hands on her face feeling the soft wet tears as they spilled down her face. Her chest was heavy and her mind was numb as she sat in the darkness of an early dawn.

The dreams had returned only recently, taking away her sleep and interrupting her days with memories. They were fractured glimpses into the past, peppered with wishes and thoughts of what could have been. Each night she woke, it reminded her of the newness of her life and the changes that had occurred.

With each night, the dreams became more frantic and wanting and she found herself unable to realise their grip on her even during the day. Scenes from her dreams would come back to her and flood her senses with the longing and aching that she felt.

Day after day and month after month, she told herself that the feeling would go away, that it would lessen. Yet with the days and weeks that had passed recently she knew that she was deluding herself. Months went by that were untroubled by her dreams and thoughts, happiness settled there in her life for that time.

She was married now and her life had taken a different course. Her husband by all accounts was perfect. They never fought, never argued, never quarrelled, never clashed. Of course they didn't. He loved her with every fibre of his soul and would rather die than raise his voice (let alone his hand), to her. Many times over people commented on how perfect they were. How in love they were. But they were wrong.

There was no doubt that he loved her, doted over her and treasured her. He would lay down his life for her and what they had. She was sure that she loved him, in her way. In their union she had found safety, security and happiness. She hadn't however found what was haunting her. Of course they didn't fight. How could you fight mediocrity? How could you fight the sameness that lasted day in and day out? There were no risks to be overcome, no boundaries to be broken. How could you fight something that was crushing in its perfection?

This was how she lived her life now, smothered in her gilded cage living in their beige world. Gone was the passion, colour and light that had filled her world and given her heart reason to beat. People would comment on how quiet she was now, how opinionated she had been growing up, but how delicate and meek she was. They didn't know that she was slowly dying from the oppression that perfection demands.

In her dreams, she fought the oppression. She fought to see him, to be with him, to reclaim the life that she had lost. In her dreams they searched for each other, in her dreams he wanted her, needed her. They were together, even if only briefly, as they had been and she was free.

It had started many moons ago, when she was a much different person to the in the mirror now. They had never gotten along or come from the same background, but somehow they had been thrown together. It had been at a prefect's party that it had all started. They had been alone in a courtyard when they had finally started talking.

It had been then that they had realised the differences between them were unimportant. They were both head strong, clever and had very similar interests. They had never really spoken because there was never a need. They were, on that night, to change the course of their lives. They had spent that first night together until the sun had broken over the vast mountains that ringed the castle. They had talked all night about their lives and loves and in those hours she had changed her perception of him so greatly that she had left considering him not only a friend, but also a potential lover.

They had gotten closer over the following weeks and spent every moment of every prefect's party together talking. Her friends didn't approve and she knew that her parents would not have been happy to know the serious nature of their blossoming relationship, but she found herself unable to think of anything else. Her schoolwork suffered in the beginning, as they spent time together. In him she discovered a passionate side that for so long she had hidden. He made her see the beauty in her body and their life. They would debate tirelessly on topics of interest, while lying together in the rumpled sheets of the afternoon. Slowly they began spending more and more time together, not caring what people did or said. She knew that his parents were opposed to the idea of them and that it had been foolish to be discovered together by them. She had, from that moment on, wanted to prove to his parents and her friends that preconceived ideas of them were wrong. She had gone out of her way to spend time with his friends, aquaint herself with his family and all things important to him. It was for that reason, that she had fallen so hard for him. She had learned that the image that he projected not only to his friends, but also to his family were wrong. She had learned that the man that she knew she loved was more of a person than they knew.

That had been the beginning of their relationship. It had lasted only a relatively short time from start to beginning, but it was something that had continued in her heart for many years after. It had continued through the longing that could not be stopped. It had continued from the longing that he still loved her. It had been 2 and a half years and the relationship was not perfect by anyone's standards. It had changed in that time. Where he had been attentive, he was distracted. Where he was careful, he was rash. Where he was loving, beautiful & nuturing, he was sharp, withdrawn and cool. He would disappear for days on end, coming back unwashed and unshaven with no explanation for his disappearance. She knew it was only a matter of time before he disappeared for good, and so she thought to put a stop to it. It was the oldest trick in the book. To give him an ultimatum that would force him to stay. To choose her over the Dark Lord, to remain faithful to the love that they held so strong and so pure. It did not change him in appearance, but in attitude she knew that she had gone too far. She had tried not to notice the change in his manner towards her. The shorter embraces, harder kisses and detached manner in which he treated her. New friends now made appearances.

She knew it was over. She knew that the pull towards the glamorous life he was embracing would eventually win over the love that they had once held.

It had been one night in winter that it had happened. She had come upon him with a group of strangers she had not seen before. They were clearly under the influence of dark magic and he was obviously one of their leaders. She saw him in a new light, a light that was true and unaffected by the love that she felt for him. She saw a cold, harsh man who bore no resemblance to the man that she loved with her very being. He turned to her, looked at her, and chased her away threatening her with death if she had stayed.

Later he had said it was for her benefit that she had left, but she knew that there was no longer love in his eyes. He had eyes only for the dark magics that had worked their way into his life. It was then that she knew she had to walk away. Before she was consumed, she had to walk away. And so she had. They parted then and he had never been seen again. So much had been left unsaid, unresolved and uncovered that she had not been able to think of anything else but him for many months after that. He came to her in her sleep, as she remembered him. In her sleep he was loving, caring and magical. He looked as he had when they had first met on that night. He was thinner, stronger, more athletic than he was when she had last seen him. He laughed more in her dreams, his eyes danced in the candlelight as he laughed. Her dreams were so realistic that many times she woke up with wet lips and blushed cheeks.

She had been urged to move on from his hold. He was gone, people would say to her. So she moved on. She wanted to be safe, to be secure from now on. She went for drinks with a group of friends and ended up dancing the night away with one of them. He was safe, secure and most of all he made her laugh. They started spending more time together and soon they became close. For a while at least, he made her forget about her past. For a while at least, they made each other forget everything. Too soon, some people would say, they were married. They looked so happy though and were so content that people would forget about time and start commenting on the perfection of their life. They didn't see the gilded bars that locked her in. No one commented on the change in her smile or her laugh.

Of course she was happy she would tell you, but if you looked closer into her eyes, you would see a sadness that not even time would erase. After all of these years, she could not shake the feeling that he was still a part of her. After the wedding, there had been a break in the memories and dreams. She had been happy and they had lived together as man and wife. Slowly however, the dreams returned and she began to feel increasingly more isolated. The familiar feeling of longing wrapped itself once more around her being, and the sense of drowning surrounded her. She could taste him, feel him and each night she would go to him. Her dreams were no longer memories of happier times, but where no frantic searches through nameless halls and gardens.

On the outside she was the perfect wife, friend and hostess. She smiled and laughed in all the right spots and knew exactly what to say to bosses and friends. She knew he loved her. She knew that when she was asleep, he would watch her face and listen for his name. She wanted to be the perfect wife for the love her gave her, but every night her memories let him down. Every night her dreams betrayed her.

Tonight was different though. When she had woken up, she caught a fleeting glimpse of cracked plaster and moss covered bricks. In the corner sat a thin figure with his face upturned, looking at her. His blond hair glinting in the pale moonlight. His body looked worn, but his eyes sparkled with a fire she had not seen in years. His mouth opened to form a word/Next to her a body stirred.

The vision was gone. She looked down at the messy mop of red hair that was snuggling up to her, dragging her back down into the covers. She let herself be dragged into the hug by him. He was always like this after she woke, he would hang on to her tightly afraid that she would run away if he let go. Tonight she didn't role over and close her eyes sadly. Tonight her heart was beating so fast she thought it would explode. Tonight she had seen him and she was sure it was no dream. He looked older, and paler in the moonlight, but there was no mistaking the cool stare of his steel grey eyes.

She put her hand to her mouth as the realisation hit her. All these years, he had haunted her, tempted her and ruled her. In her dreams they had played out the relationship from beginning to end. Now she had seen the truth in his eyes and knew their history had finally come to a close. What would the future bring? As she lay there in the dark, wrapped up in her husband's arms, she wondered. She could scarcely think about the implications of what she had seen. The way that he had looked at her with those eyes had reinforced the dreams to her. They used to joke about their hearts beating as one and their blood running together. Now she knew that it was true. They would never be apart and tonight would start the journey she hoped she was strong enough to undertake.

Meanwhile

He sat alone in his cell. Years he had been there thinking of her, lying in his dark cell with only a small window to light his dark nights. He had dreamed about her constantly, her presence warming him in the cold lonely nights. The only break in his dreams had been when they had come for him. He had been getting weaker these past months, but tonight had changed every thing. Now he sat in the corner with his eyes wide open, his heart beating fast and his mind racing. Had she seen him? It had been too long since last he saw her, but she was as beautiful as the day he had first seen her. If he was not mistaken, she still wore the delicate silver necklace around her throat. A single tear slipped down his face as his heart wept for her. His love had never died, and though he pushed her away from him, his love had never died.