Milk and Honey Lullabies

December 5th, 1997 11:45p.m. Justin fell asleep reading again, as he did when he wasnÂ’t falling asleep writing. Addicted to most written word -as long if it wasnÂ’t homework- he couldnÂ’t get enough books, or write enough. Magic, before Hogwarts, was always something he dreamed of, fantasy books were his salvation. He could retreat into his mind and let the magic wash over him, he became Merlin, Touchstone, a Dragon Rider of Pern. But as a old saying went, what nourishes me also destroys me. Falling behind in school because he was too busy reading or writing. He was lucky that he had potions with Ravenclaw, if it wasnÂ’t for Madia, he wouldnÂ’t be passing.

He was good at DADA, Divination, and Care of Magical Creatures. Potions was his death along with Transfiguration, the rest he just did with out a thought. His patience was lasting, and his loyalty was strong, but he was a slacker. (Not saying that all Hufflepuffs are.) He always one, even in elementary school he would be reading instead of doing his math homework.

The book he was reading was almost falling apart, held together only by magic; Catcher in the Rye was his favorite book. He had gotten this copy from his fifth grade teacher whom he visited in the summers and on holidays. Now technically he shouldnÂ’t have told her about Hogwarts, but he did. He even showed her the letter so she would believe him. but Miss Calli didnÂ’t need to see the letter, she had always believed in magic. On his fourteenth birthday she had giving his a number of books, Catcher in the Rye being one of them. He had read it about twenty times and liked to think he would read it another twenty times.

That night his dreams were filled with foreshadows, telling him of the rest of the year to come. When he woke, his mind was filled with doubt. Getting dressed he decided that he would hide in the little used fiction section of the library. Something he often did on Saturdays. Taking his backpack he rushed off unnoticed to the shelter of his books.

The silence of an empty library comforted Justin, as did the must smell of the books. Curling up in a corner on a huge bean bag (who knows who it got there) Justin took out his quill, ink, parchment and books. Ignoring his homework he went straight for Emily, his journal, affectionately named after Emily Dickinson.

Justin looked up from his journal, tears welling in his eyes. He thought that the days he spent in counseling during the summer helped him. That he knew who he was. Fifth year was so confusing. Cedric was dead and the whole house seemed to be different, the innocence and laughter of the Hufflepuffs was gone. Justin had lost the one friend he had to confide in.

Cedric was the only person Justin could talk to in his house, he was always there to listen. It was an unusual friendship because of the differences in them; Justin being a few years younger and a book worm, Cedric being the all star Quidditch player. On the first day of his fifth year Cho came up and hugged him, “I know how much he meant to you.” she said before walking away. Justin panicked for a moment, had she known how much Cedric really meant to him? He had loved Cedric, knowing that he would never be loved in return. He let the tears flow freely, not caring if anyone saw him cry.

Hours or seconds later Justin wiped the tears away from his eyes. Picking up his things he walked out of the castle, the whiteness of the snow blinding him. He walked right into Jesse Orion, a Ravenclaw perfect. JustinÂ’s backpack and glasses fell to the ground, Emily came unbound and her pages flew everywhere.

“Sorry.” Justin mumbled hurrying to pick up the pages of his journal. Jesse started to help, “No, I’ll get it.” Justin insisted.

“You in a few of my classes aren’t you?” Jesse asked ignoring Justin trying to push him away.

“Potions and Divination.” Justin said placing the last of the pages in his bag. Jesse picked up his glasses and said the spell to fix them. “Thanks Jesse.” Justin said looking down not wanting Jesse to see his face for fear he would know.

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name?” Jesse lied, wanting to talk to Justin, he had already seem that he had been crying.

“Justin, and I really have to go, thanks for helping me.” He ran away before Jesse could say anything. Jesse looked down at the sheet of paper in his hand.

Dec. 6th, 1997 Maybe I need help, I think I might have gotten to far into the reaches of my mind this time to ever come back. I need to stop doing that. I get so into my world of words that the thin line between reality and fiction become blurred and I donÂ’t know what side IÂ’m standing on. The dreams foreshadowing my future are scaring me, I donÂ’t know if they are real, but I think they are. Emily, IÂ’m beginning to doubt myself again, just when I thought I had it figured out the world changes on me. Dec. 6th, 1997 Maybe I need help, I think I might have gotten to far into the reaches of my mind this time to ever come back. I need to stop doing that. I get so into my world of words that the thin line between reality and fiction become blurred and I donÂ’t know what side IÂ’m standing on. The dreams foreshadowing my future are scaring me, I donÂ’t know if they are real, but I think they are. Emily, IÂ’m beginning to doubt myself again, just when I thought I had it figured out the world changes on me. I find myself still crying over him, crying over the fact that I could have never had him and now never will. Crying for the life he could never live, and the life I never will beable to live.

Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box, They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe. The Beatles, "Across the Universe

in which many thoughts and feelings are tossed around

Jesse stood at the front of the school, paper in hand, as it started to snow. Who was Emily? Who was he crying for? Why do I care? He couldnÂ’t control the thoughts raging through his mind. Spiraling madly throughout out his brain. He sat on the cold steps to consider what was going on, to attempt to think rationally. Cedric. Suddenly the journal entry seemed to make sense to him. Only he was still left to contemplate why suddenly he cared so much for Justin.

Justin looped around back toward the school, going in the back. He needed something to take his mind away to a place that wouldnÂ’t hurt. Potions. Snape being the git he is gave out a essay to be turned in on Tuesday. Making his way up to the Hufflepuff dorms, Justin sat down and pulled out the things he needed for the essay. Two hours later a extremely blurry eyed Justin added the last dot of an I on his paper. His mind was blissfully black of all things.

Taking out his wand Justin whispered something. IN front of his stood a Darma Bum, six shots of espresso made anyway. (Mint chocolate, more mint then chocolate latte.) No as good as Charlie from the Grind, but it suited his needs at the moment. Looking up to see the common room almost empty, save for a few first and second years, Justin settled down with his magicked CD player. The Promise Ring was a unheard of band, their new stuff was awful, after Very Emergency they had went almost completely popish.

Looking through the pages of his journal, and putting them back together. When he got the last of the pages he realized the last entry wasnÂ’t there. Justin carefully looked through his bag and all his folders, the search turned up nothing. Not thinking about what he was doing he threw all his things back into his bag. Running out of the common room in a near panic, and straight to the suit of amour infront of the Ravenclaw common room. Praying he wouldnÂ’t be seen waiting by any one the teachers or Filch, he hid in the shadows. For once that day luck was on his side. Jesse and a group of his friends came up thirty minuets later.

Jesse shot a look at his friends when he saw Justin, “I’ll be back soon, I- promised Justin I’d help him with some Transfiguration homework.” he lied.

Justin was pale, his muted green eyes glassy from worry. “Do you have it?” he asked tersely. Jesse didn’t pretend he didn’t know what “it” was. “You ran off before I noticed I had it.” Jesses’ voice was even and calm, just his heart chose that moment to jump, and skip a few beats.

Justin ignored that and held out his hand, “Can I have it back?” hoping that Jesse wouldn’t ask about it, but this time luck wasn’t with him.

“Aren’t you going to ask me if I read it?” Jesse said while digging around in his backpack for his day planner, where he put it.

“I think I know you already did.” His normally lasting patience almost non existent, “Now please give it back before I get mad.” his voice was leveled, but Jesse could feel the anxiety Justin felt, the wish he would ask more, but at the same time stay far away from him.

Jesse handed back the piece of parchment, “Who is Emily?” he asked innocently.

“My journal.” Justin said snatching the paper from his hands.

“Justin?” he said as if his name where a question, Justin turned around, “He wouldn’t want to see you this way. He never would have wanted to hurt anyone this much.” Jesse wasn’t sure how these words had gotten into his mind, “If you ever want to talk, I may not understand what your going through, but I’ll listen.”

Justin’s fine layer of composure caved, “I don’t want pity, and you don’t know how *he* would have felt. You didn’t even know him. You don’t know me. I don’t need anyone pretending like they care, I’ve had enough of that, *Jesse*, don’t presume that I need *your* help. If you want to help, forget you even read that.” Justin’s eyes blazed, turning them gray. Jesse took a step back, with Justin’s words a wave of anger and pain crashed over him. Overpowering him, he slid to the ground.

“Gods, what just happened?” Jesse asked in a weak voice. Looking up at Justin he realized what did just happen. He had felt, and been overwhelmed by emotions that weren’t his own, they were Justin’s.

“Jesse?” Justin stared helplessly at him, unable to answer the question.

Jesse accepted the hand the Justin offered, pulling himself off the floor. “You- your so- hurt.” Jesse said, his eyes glazing over, “I felt it, how can you live like that?”

“I have to go.” Justin said, panic rising into his voice. Jesse didn’t have the energy to stop him.

“here's a secretno one will ever know thereasons for the tearsthey are smoke” Ben Folds Five, Smoke in which Emily becomes smoke and Justin dreams

He burned Emily, he couldn’t risk someone creeping into his life like that, to know his soul, for that would always end in pain. All the secrets that the pages held turned into ash and smoke, and as the song said, “no one will know the reasons for the tears...”

Getting upstairs was hard to do, the once empty common room was packed. There was a guitar prodigy in second year, every so often he would give an impromptu concert. Normally Justin stayed down and made coffee, tea, or something for people. Having the obsession for coffee and coffee houses, Justin had created a spell to make coffee. (DonÂ’t ever say Hufflepuffs are dumb.) Of course because he wanted to be left alone everyone wanted coffee. Somehow managing to get the point across that he didnÂ’t feel well, he escaped up to his dorm room. Drawning the curtains around his bed closed, he drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

His dreamscape was in black and white, the edges were blurry and hard to make out. He was being held by someone, under his hand he felt a steady heartbeat. He knew without looking who it was. Jesse, his voice distorted by the dream whispered into his ear, “They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

“How?” His dreamself asked on a small voice, “how can I change something that happened in the past?”

“That’s not what I mean, they say time heals all wounds. That is a lie, sometimes you are the only person who can heal yourself, sometimes it is other people, but most of the time it is love.” dream Jesse brushed his lips against Justin’s and placed his hand over his heart.

Justin woke with a start.