Broken

“Whenever I see your face, Whenever I doubt that we will be together”-Sting “Whenever I Say Your Name”

Ginny and Harry began a relationship. Harry often felt guilty about not telling Ginny who he truly was. He wanted to tell her badly, but could not force himself. He had talked to Remus about it and Remus had encouraged him to reveal himself to her.

“Remus, she obviously wants to forget she ever lived as a witch. How can I tell her who I am without making her feel bad?” Harry was sitting on the dusty couch with Remus watching an old horror movie.

Remus sighed. “You’re missing the whole point here, Harry. The sorrow of being reminded of her past will be nothing compared to the feelings of betrayal she will have when she discovers who you truly are.”

“How will she ever know Remus?” Harry turned his body and faced Lupin. “Who’s going to tell? Not me and hopefully not you.”

“If those are your wishes I won’t tell. But let me ask you this: How can you build a good relationship with someone without trust? You trust her, but you know she can’t trust you.”

“What makes you think I want something lasting with her?” Harry asked Remus sullenly, turning to the TV again.

“You haven’t dated much. You come home happy after seeing her. If this was truly some fling, you’d have had sex with her by now and it would be over. That’s not the case.”

Harry kept his eyes on the TV screen. Remus was right. He genuinely liked Ginny and would’ve wanted something more from her, if he wasn’t deceiving her and she wasn’t living as a muggle. He felt exhilarated every time he saw her, but guilt immediately afterwards. “I don’t know what I want.”

“Then you need to decide. This can’t go on forever. What will happen when her family finds out?”

Harry sucked in a breath. He hadn’t thought of that. “How would they find out?”

“How could you go to their home and face them after doing something like that to Ginny? Are you that heartless?” Remus looked at Harry.

“No, but I don’t imagine I’ve done anything wrong.”

“No, you’ve just lied to a close friend and built an intimate relationship with her based on lies. If you go away without a proper explanation, she’ll be hurt. How will you explain that the relationship can’t go anywhere because you’re ashamed of yourself?” Remus’ voice took on an angry tone.

“How do you know I’m not ashamed of her? What wizard dates someone who has had their wand snapped?” Harry flicked through the TV channels angrily, finding nothing to distract him.

“Then you’re not the man I thought you were Harry. What would your father think of . . .” Remus began talking, but Harry was sick of listening to him. He found a music video and turned the volume up, drowning out Remus’ words. Remus shook his head and left the couch. Harry knew he had gone to his room to be alone. Harry turned the volume of the TV down and looked out the window. He decided to go for a walk.

Harry knew where he was going and did not prevent himself from going there. He quickly took the streets he knew so well that led him to Ginny’s apartment building. He stopped in front of her building and tried to summon some courage. He had to break this off, now. He shouldn’t be doing this. Not to himself or Ginny. Harry sighed and pulled open the door that led to the lobby and headed for the stairwell.

In Harry’s opinion, the trip was a short one. He was dreading doing this and didn’t want to break things off with Ginny. Suddenly he found himself in front of Ginny’s door. He hesitantly rapped on the door, hoping she was not home. Footsteps came close to the door and Ginny hesitantly opened it. Seeing Harry standing there, she smiled and opened the door wider.

“Will! Come in! I have missed you.” Ginny leaned over and kissed him. “I haven’t heard from you in nearly a week. What happened?”

Harry opened his mouth to say something, but found no words could come out. He shrugged his shoulders and hugged Ginny tightly to him. “I’m sorry, Gin.” He found Ginny closely inspecting him, as if she were trying to find the reason for his inexplicable absence on his face. But she couldn’t. She welcomed his embrace and smiled up at him. For a fleeting second she imagined that his eyes were green and his hair was dark black. Had she really wanted him to become Harry? Ginny shook herself mentally and wondered why she should think of Harry when she was with Will. She and Harry had never had a romance, no matter how much she had crushed on him.

Harry looked down at her. “Can I stay here tonight?”

Ginny’s breath caught in her throat. “You mean, as in sleep over?”

Harry nodded. However, Ginny was not in the mood. “Will, I . . .”

Ginny was cut off when Harry interrupted her. “We don’t have to do anything, I just want to be near you. We can sleep together, but not do anything.”

Ginny thought this proposition over. If that’s what he wanted then it was all right with her. She didn’t really see any harm in it. She could see that something was bothering him. Perhaps once he felt better, Will would want to talk about it. Ginny nodded her assent to him and Harry suddenly felt much better. He hadn’t meant all the things he’d said to Remus about being ashamed of her. Ginny was one of the most kind-hearted people he knew. He wasn’t ashamed of her. Rather, he was ashamed of himself for his behavior towards her. He should have been honest from the beginning. Now it was too late.

Ginny motioned him towards her hallway. “My room is this way.” Harry followed her. He entered her bedroom and felt Ginny’s eyes on him. She was watching his, trying to gauge his reaction. “Well, what do you think?”

Harry sighed. “It’s lovely. It looks very comfortable.” Harry walked over to her bed and sat down. He patted the space next to him. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

Ginny walked over and sat next to him. “I was just about to go to sleep when you came over.” She looked up into his eyes. “Something’s bothering you. What’s wrong?”

Harry wanted to tell her the awful truth of what he’d done, but found he could not. He knew how angry she would be and didn’t want to risk her wrath. He smiled wearily at Ginny. “I’m not ready to talk about it yet. How about we just get some sleep?”

This time it was Ginny’s turn to sign. “Okay. But if you need to talk, just wake me up.” She watched as Harry pulled off his boots and took off his overshirt. He pulled off his jeans and folded them across the chair that sat near her desk. He walked back to the bed in his undershirt and boxers. Ginny scooted across the mattress and got under the covers, holding the sheets open for him. Harry got into the bed and lay next to her. Not knowing what to say or do, Ginny turned on her side and faced away from Harry. Harry turned the same way and wrapped his arms around her waist. It was a few minutes later when both fell asleep.

“Boy, don’t you know who I am? A few spells cannot destroy me!” A high-pitched voice was cackling at Harry.

“Only one of us can live Voldemort. I don’t plan of dying. Your time is up, you’ve cheated death too many times.” Harry yelled at Voldemort, sweat trickling down his brow.

“The same could be said for you, boy. How many have died to protect you? Do you really think that in the end they were happy to forfeit their lives for your miserable one?” The voice spooked Harry and he was worried that Voldemort was right. “Let’s see how the spirits of your loved ones really feel!”

A great puff of smoke billowed from Voldemort’s wand and from the smoke several spirits took their form. Harry watched as his mother, father, Sirius Black, Cedric Diggory and Neville Longbottom surrounded him. His father spoke first.

“Harry, you’re a great disappointment. How could you use so many people to keep your sorry hide alive?” Harry had rarely heard his father’s voice and just hearing him brought tears to his eyes. The other spirits in the room nodded in agreement with James.

“I died because you had to play the hero! You had to encourage me to take the Triwizard cup with you! I lost everything that night. You used my death to your advantage. You tried to take my girl, Cho. You knew this would happen to me all along!” Cedric’s spirit accused Harry, pointing a finger in his direction.

“No honestly! I didn’t try and take Cho from you! I didn’t know the trophy was a portkey Cedric. Please forgive me!” Harry heard Voldemort’s laughter in the background.

“He always plays the hero! I died saving you in the Ministry of Magic. We’re all dead here because of his follies!” Sirius’s voice broke into the conversation.

“The choices you have made in your life Harry! Sometimes I wonder why I even sacrificed myself for you! Everyone would have been better off if you had died as a baby.” Harry cringed at his mother’s words. “Finish yourself off now before another life is wasted saving yours!”

It was then that he noticed Neville holding his wand out to Harry. “Do it Harry. You don’t deserve to live anymore.”

Harry took the wand from Neville’s outstretched palm. “You’re just images manipulated by Voldemort. None of you would ever speak to me this way.” Harry gripped the wand tightly in his hand. “I know that my parents and Sirius loved me! Cedric did not blame me for his death and neither did Neville! This is all an illusion. It’s time we finished this Voldemort.”

The spirits vanished and in their place stood Voldemort. “So, you think you can take me, boy? Let’s see what you’ve got.” Harry and Voldemort began to duel.

Cool hands gripped Harry’s face. “Will, wake up! You’re having a nightmare!” Ginny was sitting up, shaking Harry violently.

“I know, I know.” Harry pushed Ginny’s hands away. “I’m sorry, this was a bad idea. I’ll go home now.” Harry made as if he was getting out of the bed. Ginny’s hand stopped him.

“What were you dreaming about? You were shaking and sweating and mumbling incoherent things. I was scared.”

“Nothing. I wasn’t dreaming about anything important, alright?” What had Ginny heard?

“I have no right to butt into your business, but you were really freaking out in your dream. I worry for you Will. When you hurt, it hurts me.” Ginny looked into Harry’s eyes. “If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine. But you might feel better if you do.”

“It’s something I want to forget. Something that happened a long time ago. The dreams plague me every night. I’m sorry Ginny, please don’t make me talk about it.” Harry looked into Ginny’s warm brown eyes and saw love and concern there. Once again he felt guilty for taking advantage of her kindness.

Ginny shrugged her shoulders. “If you have a nightmare again, do you want me to wake you up?”

Harry nodded and sank back into the bed. He clutched Ginny close to him. “Just don’t leave me alone. You’re all I’ve got right now.” Ginny laid her cheek on top of Harry’s head and tears came to her eyes.

“Don’t worry Will. I won’t leave you.”