You Left Me a Mixed Up Girl

Ginny had walked slowly back the Hogwarts that afternoon. She was feeling tired and soul sick. The return of Harry Potter into her life left her feeling confused and scared. Ginny was scared because she suddenly realized what a strange turn her life had taken in the past two years. Her life had been separated into two distinct periods: before the breakup with Harry and after the break up. Pre-breakup Ginny was an innocent, happy young woman. She had few complications in her life and didn't quite understand the darkness Harry faced in his everyday life. After breaking up with Harry, Ginny had felt angry at the world. She had felt powerless and for a very long time, Ginny had felt constantly angry and impotent to do anything about it. The world believed Harry Potter was their savior. Ginny's anger at him was perceived as petty bitterness. Ginny knew, in her heart, that she had every right to be bitter.

Ginny felt that her innocence had been lost after Harry had cheated on her. Her constant anger had led her to seek the dark facets of life she would have ordinarily shunned. The meaningless relationship with Draco was a part of that. Ginny led a double life. In one life she was a normal, happy teacher at Hogwarts who loved teaching and was a productive member of society. In the other, she was a woman who regularly had meaningless sex with a sinister man and didn't mind his dark past. Ginny knew Draco was not on the right side of the law. She had traced the dark mark burned into the skin of his left forearm several times. Once, in a frenzy of passion, she had even kissed it, cursing Harry's name mentally. Ginny knew that Harry was not to blame for all these choices she had made in her life. She simply felt that she would not have made some of these choices if she had become so disillusioned with the world she lived in.

Treading slowly across the muddy snow, Ginny wondered if Harry ever regretted his decision. She knew she looked the same. Every morning warm brown eyes and dark red hair greeted her in her mirror. Ginny was still a striking woman, she always had been. Inside, she was very changed. Ginny knew others could sense it. She had become more introspective and centered. Responsibilities she would have shirked when she was younger, Ginny easily undertook now. She smiled less and cared for others more. Ginny was prone to great periods of silence. Many family members had commented on how much older Ginny seemed. Ginny would simply smile and shake her head. Harry's betrayal had forced her to grow up, Ginny realized. The fairy tale she had entered when Harry noticed her had finally ended and now Ginny had become an adult.

Harry Potter watched as Ginny entered the front doors of the castle. He had noticed that Ginny was somehow different from the last time he had seen her. He hadn't really seen her since the engagement party two years ago. Harry had been sitting in an overstuffed chair waiting to talk to her when she came back from the village. The Ginny he had fallen in love with had been replaced with a quieter woman. Hermione had told him she talked less often and was one of the most respected teachers at Hogwarts. To hear Hermione and Ron talk, Ginny had suddenly matured and become much more of a complete person. Harry nervously combed his fingers through his messy black hair and stood up from the chair. Ginny was busily stomping the muddy snow off her pointy-toed boots and shaking the snow from her cloak. She did not notice Harry approach her until it was too late to escape.

"Gin?"

Ginny looked up from her stomping and shaking to see Harry's nervous green eyes staring at her. "Yes, Harry?"

"I needed to speak to you. Can we talk in the staff room?" Harry stared into Ginny's eyes, hoping she'd agree.

Ginny sighed deeply. "Alright Harry. I suppose we need to." Ginny gave her cloak one final shake and draped it over one arm. Harry took the lead and began walking to the staff room and Ginny followed at a slower pace. She wondered what he wanted and whether she was going to be willing to give it to him. Harry opened the door and held the door open for Ginny. Ginny murmured a thank you to him and stepped into the room. A fire roared in the fireplace and several large overstuffed chairs were seated close to the fire. Ginny threw her cloak over the top of one of the chairs and sank into it gratefully. It had been a long cold walk from Hogsmeade and she was glad to feel warm again. Harry chose to lean against a wooden mantle over the fireplace. Ginny looked up at Harry and waited for him to begin speaking.

"First, I want to thank you for agreeing to speak to me at all. I know how difficult it must be for you to even be in the same room with me." Harry stopped and waited for Ginny's response.

Ginny laughed bitterly. "You have got some nerve. It's been two years, Harry. I've had time to get over it. Do you honestly think you are still the center of my universe?"

Harry twisted his hands uncomfortably. This conversation was not beginning well. "No, of course not. I just mean, I'm sorry I offended you."

"Alright Harry, if you say so." Ginny had decided not to give an inch to Harry. She was going to make this as difficult as possible for him. She wanted him to feel the same discomfort she had felt for two years.

"I am sorry. I know we can never be like we were before Gin. I understand that and I accept it. But you must believe me when I say I miss you. Before we ever got involved with each other, we were friends. You and I were great friends. I made a mistake to ruin all of that. Can you forgive me enough so we can at least be friends again?" Harry leaned his tall, lean frame against the mantle and looked searchingly into Ginny's eyes.

"I'm not the same person I used to be anymore, Harry. My life is very different from how it used to be. I'm different from how I used to be. I don't know if the person I am now could be a friend with you. Or that you would even want to be friends with me."

Harry was confused. "What do you mean? What could be so different about you that I couldn't accept you? Why wouldn't we want to be friends?"

Ginny thought of Draco and their strange relationship. Images of what they had been doing for the past year filled her mind. "There are things I've done. Things I'm not sure what to think of. I'm not guilty about what I've done, but I don't think anyone would understand."

Harry kneeled beside her chair. "What have you been doing, Ginny?" Harry's voice had a jealous tone and Ginny was immediately uncomfortable.

"I've been seeing someone for a year now." Ginny dreaded what Harry's next question would be.

"I see. Is it serious?"

"No." Ginny turned her head away from Harry's penetrating gaze. Harry grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him.

"If it's not serious and you've been seeing them for a year now, why are you so upset?"

Tears sprang to Ginny's eyes. She couldn't tell if they were from shame or relief to get her secret out into the open. "Malfoy. I've been fucking Draco Malfoy for the past year." Ginny looked directly at Harry, hoping she was hurting him.

Harry's grip on her chin tightened and Ginny worried she had been wrong to admit this to Harry. "Why?" he asked in a strangled sort of voice. Harry's other hand had Ginny's right arm in a vice like grip.

"I felt dead inside for so long after you and I broke up. It was like there was a hole inside of me and I couldn't fill it up. No matter what I did or whom I saw, I couldn't feel alive again. It was like I was watching the world go on around me from behind a glass partition. Then I got a job here and Malfoy came to our Yule ball. He began talking to me, asking me about our break up. I knew Draco only wanted me because he wanted to hurt you, but some part of me delighted in that. I enjoyed the idea of making you feel as bad as I had. As far as I was concerned, I was happy to be feeling anything again. So I let Draco use me and I used him. I was feeling again even if it was only a sense of revenge." Ginny suddenly stopped talking and looked at Harry. She had nothing more to say and wished Harry would have his fit of anger and leave, so she could be alone with her guilt.

"You did this, to betray me?" Harry asked quietly.

Ginny merely nodded and looked into the fire. Harry felt like he had been punched in the stomach. The idea of that ferret Malfoy pawing at Ginny made him sick to his stomach. All this time he had been imagining Ginny as some sort of martyr that had been pining away for him and she had been screwing Draco senseless. Harry mentally pictured Ginny in the throws of passion with Malfoy, calling his name, wrapping herself around him, snuggling close to him after sex. He saw Ginny grinning evilly while she lay against Draco's chest, satisfied with herself. "Are you satisfied with yourself? Are you happy you whored yourself out to him to make me unhappy?"

Ginny suddenly snapped out of her guilty reverie. "Did you call me a whore? That's rich, coming from you! I wasn't the one who cheated on you with Cho. I wasn't the one who broke my trust. You were Harry. I made mistakes, but I never hurt anyone but myself in the process. We aren't dating anymore, Harry. Hell, we're not even friends. The only person who is getting hurt by me fucking Draco is me! Why do you insist on thinking that you are the center of everyone's universe?"

"Do you think I like thinking about you with him? His dirty hands all over you? The idea of you being naked with him? I've seen him so many times in the past year and he always had such a smug smile. Now I know why, fucking bastard. He was screwing you because he can't screw me." Harry had grabbed Ginny's hands in his own and held them in a death grip. "I still love you, Virginia. The idea of you with any other man, but especially with him, makes me crazy."

Ginny looked at him pityingly. "You only want me because you can't have me anymore. You only want me now because you hate Draco. It's a schoolboy rivalry thing. It's not love."

"You think this is about Malfoy?" Harry roared. "Fuck him. I have spent the last two years of my life regretting that night at the Leaky Caldron. I came back to Hogwarts for you. I wanted to set things right with you again."

"Malfoy and I aren't even a couple, Harry. We just have sex. I won't go back to how things were ever again. We weren't meant for each other. People like us aren't supposed to be together. Our time has passed." Ginny stood up from her chair and walked to the door.

"Then be my friend again. We can't be lovers, then at least we can be friends." Harry held his hand out to Ginny, wanting her to shake it.

Ginny crossed the room to Harry and quickly shook his hand. "I'll try Harry. I don't know how this will turn out or if I can handle this, but I will try." Upon saying this, Ginny walked back to the door and left the room. Harry walked wearily back to the fire and sank into one of the chairs.

"You'll always be my girl, Gin," Harry sighed to himself.