Lucky Me

Lucky Me

Everyone thinks it would be great to be me. The fame and attention. But did they ever think of what happened to me to bet it all? I think not. I didn't even choose it. He made the choice. What if he chose differently? I think of what could've been. I could have been happy. But would the outcome have been the same? How many more would have died? Would I be the same person even? I sometimes think things are better this way. So what if I have to suffer? Everything else is all right. I'm not being noble either. At 15 would I have been my dad's double? Arrogant, a bully, and full of myself? Sometimes I feel selfish being alive while so many others have suffered and died by his hand. I wish I were dead at those times. I just want to give up sometimes. Sirius' death made me wish he'd just kill me already and give me some peace. I still wish it. People say it'll get better, but I know it won't. Something will always be missing from me now, him. I wonder sometimes too if my friends would still think of me the same if they knew the prophecy, if they'll treat me the same anyway. If I still can grow up like any other teenager. A thought occurred to me the other day; can I even look at Neville now with out the thought that he could be living my life? I know that eventually it will come to death on some one's part, but whose? I know that I can't commit the curse I need to perform but I'm not ready to die by it either. Everyone expects me to do great things I doubt I can though. I want to walk away from the wizarding world forever. I know I'd never be fully away from it. A part of me would be left behind and after Sirius' death I can't afford to lose anymore of myself. Ron and Hermione are always talking about the good that came out of this: every one believes me now. At this point though, I don't care if the entire wizarding world thinks me a lunatic. But what about the bad: Sirius is dead, I now have to live with the knowledge that my life is either about killing or being killed, everyone I care for is in danger because of me, and a war started because of my actions and foolishness. I have to make myself immune to everyone else's love because of him. Family and friends are now out of the question. Who knows who else's life I'll endanger; I'll never have a "love of my life" or even have the "perfect girl". This means no wife or kids. All because of him. The way I see it my entire life revolves around him. His actions, his emotions, his choices. The term "live every day as if it were your last" may very well be true in my case. My only advantage over him is that I know how to end it. The only purpose my life has is to kill or be killed. Lucky me.