Staring At Old Photographs

Staring At Old Photographs

"Sirius? Remus? Tonks?" I called through the old house. I got no answer, so I assumed I was alone. All alone in 12 Grimmauld Place. It's very unusual I'm home alone- this is the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix after all. Someone is always here, but not today. One might think I'd get used to feeling alone; I have felt alone since James died sixteen years ago. I wish I hadn't lived sometimes, but I wouldn't have been able to see my son, Harry, grow up and become a young man, for which I am grateful. I've never forgiven James for dying that night, for leaving me all alone in this world. Even when I started dating Sirius last year, the emptiness I feel hasn't left me.

I walked around the old house idly for a while before retreating to my room. I knew it wasn't safe to go outside to the lake, so I stayed in my room, watching it and all its glory. I looked at my room, a room I have lived off and on in for twenty-five years, at least. As a child, I never really liked living at home, so I'd run away to my friends houses. Sirius's house was the one place (other than Hogwarts, of course) I felt like I was really at home. So, when we started dating when we were sixteen, he let me move in. I painted my room a gothic amethyst. Now, the color has faded, but I still see the color it was every time I look at a wall. Once Sirius and I broke up and James and I started dating, I moved to James's house. Sirius never forgave me, I don't think; he welcomed me back 'home' with open arms once James died, though.

I flopped carelessly down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I grew tired of that before long and studied every square inch of my room. I don't know exactly why, but I was drawn to my closet.

I opened that small, stuffy closet, letting my memories sail back to me. I had tried to block out my past, to deal with the pain, but it only made it worse. I moved all my old diaries very carefully; I was almost afraid they'd discentigrate if I held them too long or too tightly. Behind them was a small, black box, labeled "Photographs". I opened it up, revealing smiling faces, faces that wouldn't be smiling if they knew their fate. I picked up my favorite photograph. It wasn't great quality and I didn't look especially good in it; the photograph captured all my friends just as they were. Peter was trying to be exactly like James, who was trying to put his arm around my waist. I was taking his arm off my waist and I had this look on my face; it was like I thought James's arm was a spider web. Oh, how I longed to have that arm around my waist now. Sirius was doing a weird pose with Remus--they had grown really close during fourth year. We were standing in front of Zonko's Joke Shop--it was probably our fourth year. Yes, it must have been because in fifth year, Sirius tried to grow a mustache.

The next picture I took out almost made me cry. It was of James and I. We were sitting on a rock by Hogwarts Lake, facing each other with looks of passion on our faces. Our feet were dangling in the water as we leaned in to kiss--Remus must've taken this, because it was great quality. None of us was really good with the camera, besides Remus. The picture had to have been taken at the end of our seventh year, right before James proposed to me. The War ahead made us all do crazy things- people eloping right, left and center; people joining sides, then switching them and people just committing suicide because they were too afraid of what came next.

I took out another picture; it was of Remus, Sirius, Peter, James and I under a tree by the Lake. It was times like this that I loved being friends with them. James wasn't trying to impress me, Sirius wasn't snogging the pants off some girl, Peter wasn't being aggravating and Remus wasn't a werewolf.

I closed the picture box, not being able to handle any more of it tonight. I let myself cry, something I hadn't done in fifteen years. I cried for James, and because I was mad at him, I cried over Peter--joining the Dark Side and getting himself killed, and I cried for myself because I was all alone. It was ten o'clock PM by the time I finished crying. I crawled over to my bed--if someone saw me, a thirty six year old woman, crawling to her bed, like a heartbroken teenager, they'd probably think I wasn't mentally stable, and maybe I wasn't.

I lay down on my bed, feeling tears swell in my eyes again, threatening like a raging thunderstorm, to spill over again. I fought them back as I saw a white thing fly towards my window. It was Hedwig, my son's owl.

I jumped to the window and greeted her with a treat, letting her hop on my bed as I untied the package she had tied to her leg. It was a letter and a square something from my son.

Mum,

All is well here at school. Ron, Hermione, Luna, Ginny and Neville say hi. I just got your last owl- Celestia was a little slow. I promise you I have everything. Don't worry about me. I finally asked Luna to be my girlfriend and she accepted. Do you think she could come for Christmas?

I hope everyone is well at Number 12.

Love, Your Son,

Harry

I smiled faintly as I read his letter- the words barely legible. I was glad Harry was so open with me. I had met Luna before; she was a bit odd, but I loved having her around. Harry and Luna reminded me of James and me. I really don't know why--they are nothing like we were.

Celestia was my raven--she was just a baby, so I understood why she was so slow. Hedwig hooted softly--she had taken Celestia under her wing. I threw them both a couple treats and opened the package.

It was a picture of Luna, Harry, Ron and Hermione by the Lake, under the same tree James, Peter, Sirius, Remus and I had sat under. It was funny how photographs never ceased to bring tears to my eyes.