The Complications of Falling in Love with your Best Friend

Chapter Twelve - Christmas Eve: Getting Over the Fear

This is easy as lovers go, so don't complicate things by hesitating.

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"The red one or the green one?"

"The red one."

"Really? You don't think the green one's better?"

"Ok, the green one then."

"You think so? But you said the red one before..."

"Lily," said Remus impatiently, "why ask me for my opinion when you don't even listen to it?"

Lily grinned sheepishly. "Ok, I'm sorry. I'm wearing the green one, I've decided."

"Finally," Remus muttered. Lily stuck out her tongue at him. He rolled his eyes. "Why are you asking me anyway? Why not James?"

"Because I want it to be a surprise for him," said Lily, holding up a voluminous green dress and twirling around in front of a full-length collapsible mirror she had hung up on the Common Room wall. Many girls behind her were also prancing around in colourful gowns, posing in front of mirrors and asking their friends' opinions. Practically all those in their final year had stayed behind for the Christmas holidays, as it was the last time they would be spending it at Hogwarts. A small committee of seventh-year girls, headed by Lily, had the week before gone to Dumbledore to request a dance. It was to be quite a small, relatively informal dance, consisting only of seventh years. This had the effect of sending the entire seventh-year population of Gryffindor to go into a frenzied flutter of preparations for the evening. The girls had spent most of the day searching through trunks and wardrobes for suitable dresses, and had taken over the bathrooms for hours as they styled and re-styled their hair. The boys had laughed at this sudden surge in girlish activity, though they themselves tried to inconspicuously render themselves more presentable. Some tried spells or enchantments to force their hair to lie flat, others compulsively flattened out creases in their clothes while others went into fits of panic when they realised a spot had suddenly and inconveniently appeared. Remus wasn't looking forward to the dance in the slightest. For one thing, he didn't feel comfortable dancing in front of a large number of people. For another, it would be awkward, as James wasn't even talking to him. He was also feeling very nervous. All over the Common Room there was excited chatter of who was going to the dance with whom. Girls giggled in their corner as guys sidled up to them and asked in falsely confident voices if they would accompany them to the dance. This comment was usually received with deep blushes, shrill giggles or embarrassed stuttering and the boy would then saunter back to his group of friends and assure them with a superior air that it was absolutely no problem, while nervously wiping their sweaty hands on their robes. After all these years, Remus mused, nothing had changed. It was, in a sense, easier for him. He didn't have to ask any girl to the dance. But this was precisely what was making him nervous. Most of the Gryffindor seventh-years knew of his relationship with Sirius but that didn't stop them from staring with wide-eyed surprise or unease when Sirius and himself did something as innocent as holding hands. The stares made him so uncomfortable that he and Sirius had in fact stopped acting as a couple in public, which led to much frustration on both accounts.

"Remus?"

Remus snapped out of his thoughts. "What?" he said with great effort.

"I asked if you were going to the dance with Sirius." Lily looked at him quizzically.

"I... think so," said Remus, unsure of why Lily had asked this.

"I mean properly going to the dance together. As a couple."

Remus shifted uncomfortably. "Yes... I mean he's... my boyfriend... so I think so..." He trailed off. "I haven't actually asked him though," he admitted.

Lily glanced at herself in the mirror again. "Don't worry about it," she said over her shoulder. "I'm sure it's fine with him... I was just wondering because..."

"Because what?"

Lily paused before answering. "Well you guys don't seem to act particularly... 'couple-y'... together, so I wasn't sure if you'd want to go to the dance together."

Remus looked down and frowned. "Yeah, I guess we don't act as a couple much... it's just... well after the whole James thing, and all the stares we get... it's difficult you know?" Remus paused. "I feel bad about it... because I know I shouldn't care what people think... but I do. I can't help it."

"And you feel guilty because you think you're getting in the way of James and Sirius?"

"Yeah..."

"So that's why you're all distant to Sirius in public."

Remus was silent. "I'm an idiot, aren't I?" he finally said, quietly.

"No," said Lily firmly, "you just need to get over this fear." She paused. "And you need to fix things with James."

"I've tried, but..."

"He's a stubborn prat, I know."

"Well, yeah..."

"Don't worry, I'll help."

Remus looked suspicious. "How?"

Lily waved a hand dismissively. "Never mind. You go get ready, I'll take care of it."

Remus stood up slowly. "What are you going to do?"

"Nothing, nothing." Lily smiled. "Oh, and you should talk to Sirius too." With that Lily gave Remus a push towards the dormitory and went back to observing herself critically in front of her mirror.

Remus was still slightly suspicious, but he had faith in Lily, so without protest he made his way to the dormitory.

***

"How do I look?"

"A right sight better than I do."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, you look fine."

"I look like a sack or potatoes with arms and legs and a head. I'm a mutant sack of potatoes."

Remus laughed. "You look fine," he repeated. "And I'm sure Jessica will think you look great."

Peter perked up a little. "You think?"

"I'm sure. Why don't you go see her? Dinner starts in an hour."

"Yeah... Ok." Peter grinned and began walking off. "By the way," he said, stopping in his tracks, "you look fine too... and I think... Sirius... will think you look great..." Peter gave a wary smile.

"Thanks," said Remus, appreciating Peter's effort. The boy scurried off, leaving Remus in silence. The dormitory was now empty. James had conveniently dressed half an hour earlier. He hadn't spoken to Remus all day. He had barely even acknowledged his presence. And Sirius... well, Remus had no idea where Sirius was. Sighing, he turned back to his reflection. The dance was informal, so smart casual wear was required. This of course hadn't stopped the girls from dressing up in fancy evening gowns, which then put pressure on the boys to also make such an effort. Remus had settled on dark blue trousers and a white shirt. He looked presentable, at least. Remus didn't enjoy his appearance. Everything about him just seemed out of place, warped, scarred, ugly. He was too pale, and far too skinny. His skin was etched with too much tiredness and his eyes were a sort of amber colour that looked too strange. His chest was too scarred and his hair was flecked with too much silver. He was too frail and his face was unremarkable. No, Remus really didn't like himself.

Now Sirius, on the other hand...

"Complaining about yourself again?"

Remus spun around. "Complaining? I wasn't..."

"You were. In your head." Sirius grinned. "You were staring at yourself with that woe-is-me expression and you were thinking about how much you hate your face, your eyes, your skin, your hair, your hands, your left nostril... "

"Ok, I get it." Remus sat down huffily on his bed.

"Don't be like that, Moony. You're just being stupid. Can't you tell you're absolutely gorgeous?"

"I'm not."

"Will it make you feel better if I listed out all your wonderful features?"

"Maybe."

Sirius sighed theatrically and sat down by Remus, gazing at him intently. "Your eyes," he said, leaning towards him, "you've got the most amazing eyes, they're not boring old blue like mine, they're a fascinating colour, like gold or amber, and they're so entrancing, like you could drown in them." He reached over to touch Remus' hair. "And your hair is so soft and it shines gold in the sun or copper by the fire... and your skin is pale and almost pearly... like ivory... and you always sit and stand and walk with such elegance, everything you do is always refined and perfected... your smile is perfect, the way you talk is perfect, the way you look is perfect and the way you are is perfect." Sirius brought a finger down Remus' face. "And I like your nose too. Both nostrils." He grinned, then dropped a feathery-light kiss on Remus' lips. "So it's complete bollocks if you think you're ugly because you're the most beautiful person I've ever known."

There was a pause.

"Yeah, I do feel better now," admitted Remus, grinning.

"I was serious, you know."

"I know," Remus said sincerely.

"And you look great in that," Sirius said, gesturing to Remus' shirt. "Suits you."

"Thanks." Remus couldn't help feeling pleased with himself.

"And now," said Sirius slyly, his eyes twinkling, "you tell me about how wonderful I am."

Remus gave him a playful shove. "Your ego doesn't need any more boosting, Mr. I-have-perfect-hair-and-a-perfect-body-and-I'm-so-damn-sexy-and-I-know-it."

"You think I'm sexy?"

"You know I do, so don't look so damn pleased with yourself."

Sirius grinned smugly. "You think I'm sexy."

"I'm your boyfriend, I'm supposed to."

"Yeah..." Sirius stopped grinning. "You are my boyfriend."

"I know, you don't have to tell me..."

"It's not that..." Sirius looked thoughtful. "It's just... well, you are my boyfriend and lately we haven't been very... you know... boyfriend-y together."

Remus was taken aback. Then he looked down guiltily. "I know, I'm sorry..."

"Hey, it's not just you, I'm to blame too."

"No, it's my fault..."

"No, mine."

"No, really, it's mine..."

Sirius waved a hand impatiently. "This could go on for a while."

"We'll share equal blame, then," concluded Remus.

"The point is," Sirius continued, "I'm getting tired of having to restrain myself all the time, whenever other people are nearby."

"Me too," admitted Remus. "I want to be able to kiss you anytime I want."

"Like now?" said Sirius hopefully.

"No," said Remus, smiling, "we have to finish talking first."

"Fine."

"Continue."

Sirius brought his legs up underneath him and rested his chin on the back of his hand. "So there's only one option isn't there?"

Remus paused thoughtfully. "To get over the fear," he murmured.

"Yeah, exactly," agreed Sirius.

"It's what Lily said."

"Did she?" he asked. "Smart girl." Sirius looked up at Remus and twirled a strand of dark hair around his finger. "How do we do it then?"

"Just... deal with it," said Remus. "There's not much we can actually do until we're okay with ourselves."

"Then starting with tonight," declared Sirius, "the most important thing is being with you, and to hell with everyone else!"

"Which reminds me..." Remus tapped his fingers nervously on his leg. "Sirius, will you go to the dance with me?" he asked. "I mean, properly? As my boyfriend?" He blushed slightly at the clumsiness of his words.

Sirius held out his hand and fluttered his eyelashes. "My dear Remus, with a proposal like that, how could I refuse?"

Remus took Sirius' hand and smiled, pulling him to his feet. As he stood up, Remus caught sight of what Sirius was wearing. In perfect contrast to Remus' subtler, less striking look, he wore black trousers that had a slight flare towards the bottom, and a dark blue sweater that shone with a hue of deep purple. It seemed a little on the tight side, and suited him perfectly. Sirius grinned at him.

"You like it?"

Remus suddenly realised he was staring. He coughed and tried to speak coherently but his throat seemed to be stuck. "Yeah... wow... I... it's... kind of tight..."

"It's bloody uncomfortable." Sirius gave a nonchalant shrug and spun round, showing off his flawless physique. "But I look sexy, right?"

"You're so vain."

"And you're practically drooling."

"Shut up."

"Now you're blushing."

"Piss off."

"How rude."

"..."

"Don't sulk."

"I'm not sulking."

"Yes you are."

"I'm not!"

"You are! And I think you look so cute that I'm going to kiss you."

"Good, because I was about to kiss you."

"Kiss me then... but don't mess up my hair."

Remus rolled his eyes, turned away from Sirius and began walking away.

"Hey," Sirius protested. "I thought you were going to kiss me!"

"Oh, I will," Remus assured him. "But later."

"Later? When's later?"

"During the dance."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "In front of everyone?"

"Absolutely," Remus confirmed.

"Why?"

Remus smiled confidently. "I'm getting over the fear."