The Complications of Falling in Love with your Best Friend

Chapter Ten - Further Confessions. Jealousy.

Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?

~ ~ ~

Lunch that Sunday afternoon was a relaxed and pleasant affair. Snow was still thick over the grounds and the contented, slightly lazy atmosphere that is only brought about by the holidays had firmly settled upon Hogwarts. James, Peter, Sirius and Remus ate their food with slow deliberation, revelling in the fact that there were no pressurising schedules to be followed, no timetables to respect and generally no important engagement to be considered.

Unfortunately, this contented feeling of repose lasted only until Remus looked over his shoulder, and saw Snape slouching at the Slytherin table. A nagging thought began to grow at the back of his mind. Then he remembered quite suddenly.

"Sirius, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Sirius looked at him, a questioning look in his eyes. "Sure."

They got up and Remus led Sirius out of the Great Hall and into an empty corridor.

"What is it?" Sirius asked curiously.

Remus looked over his shoulder to verify they were indeed alone. "It's Snape."

"Snape?" Sirius frowned. "What's the slimy bastard done now? Has he hurt you? If he has, I swear I'll..."

Remus waved a hand to stop him. "He hasn't done anything to me. But I think he knows something about us."

Sirius looked thoughtful. "Oh yeah... that day at breakfast. He kept looking at you and me... then he said something about revealing things."

"Exactly. I think he knows."

"But how the hell would he know anything? James doesn't even know!"

Remus shrugged. "Maybe he overheard something."

"How?"

"I don't know, Sirius! It doesn't matter. The point is, if he knows he'll use it against us... a threat to stop us doing anything to him."

"That stupid, slimy..."

"Insulting Snape isn't helping anything Sirius. You know, if we left him alone a bit more things like this wouldn't happen..."

"So you're defending Snape now?"

"I'm not doing anything of the sort. We just need to be careful..."

"You were defending him, and you were criticising me..."

"Don't be an idiot Sirius, as if I'd support Snape over you."

"It's what it sounded like."

"Sirius!"

Sirius fell silent, glaring moodily at the stone floor. Remus took a deep breath and brought his hand to Sirius' face.

"Look at me," he said.

Sirius brought his gaze up reluctantly.

"Let's not let this get between you and me. Snape's not worth it."

Sirius nodded slowly, a sullen look still on his face. "So what do we do?"

Remus paused thoughtfully. "Well if Snape thinks we're together... he's right, obviously, but he has no proof, so he can't do too much harm. The only problem is if he outs us before we're ready to tell people."

"So..."

"So we need to tell everyone before he can. At least, we need to tell James and Peter."

Sirius looked down again. "I guess we don't have much choice then."

"Tonight?"

"What?"

"We tell them tonight?"

Sirius suddenly looked vaguely panicked. "No, not tonight," he said looking pleadingly at Remus.

"Well it has to be soon."

"Not tonight... tomorrow night."

"And what's the difference between then and now? It won't make anything easier."

"I know." Sirius bit his lip nervously. "Just give it a little bit more time. Then we can think longer on what to say."

Remus sighed. "Ok, but I wish we could get it over and done with. The longer we wait, the longer we have to have Snape's threat hanging over us, and the longer we have to wait before we can be together... properly together... without having to sneak around in fear of getting caught."

"I know! I know!" Sirius put his head in his hands. "Tomorrow night, I promise."

***

The next evening's dinner was permeated with tension and irritability. James questioned Sirius on his lack of appetite at regular intervals and Remus could see Sirius' hands twitching as he refrained from hurling his plate of food at James' face. Peter drummed his fingers incessantly on the wooden table top while shooting anxious glances at the nervous faces around him. Remus wished he would stop. A surge of nausea overcame him and he pushed his plate away. This was getting ridiculous. There was nothing to worry about. Friends were friends. They were the Marauders. They were inseparable. So why did these horrible thoughts plague him? He played out the scenario in his mind. Peter's bewildered look, James' disgusted stare, the jeers of the others. All because of three simply truthful and life-changing words: I love Sirius.

No, he couldn't say that. He'd never told Sirius he loved him. He knew it in his mind but he couldn't say it aloud. I'm with Sirius. That was better. But it could be misinterpreted. How would he explain it? And James would ask why. What would he answer? He didn't even know himself. He didn't know why it had all happened. It just had. Groaning, Remus clutched his face in his hands.

"Remus?"

He looked up to face James' enquiring gaze. Peter still drummed his fingers on the table.

Tap, tap, tap, tap...

It was driving him slowly crazy.

Tap, tap, tap, tap...

If Peter didn't stop that right now...

Tap, tap, tap, tap...

"Oh for God's sake!"

Remus was surprised to find that Sirius had at the same time uttered the words that had issued from his own mouth.

James looked up in shock at the pair that had stood up in unison. "Ok guys," he said, looking from one to the other, "what's going on?"

"We need to talk," said Sirius through gritted teeth.

"Now?"

"Not here," said Remus moving away and gesturing at the others to follow.

They followed, bewildered, as Remus and Sirius made their way up to the Common Room. They entered it in silence.

"Sit."

James and Peter obeyed. Remus almost laughed in his sickened nervousness. Their solemn faces, his nauseated expression, Sirius' determined look... it all seemed incredibly surreal.

"So?"

Remus opened his eyes. He hadn't even realised he'd closed them. He looked at Sirius whose face was pale. He swallowed.

"Ok..." he began. His voice cracked and shook. He looked at Sirius pleadingly.

"The thing is..." Sirius said. But he also stopped.

"Come on guys, spit it out!" James was looking from one to the other incredulously. "It's only me and Peter, what the hell can be so difficult to say?"

Remus looked at Sirius resolutely. It was only James and Peter after all. They were their friends. They would understand. He took a deep breath and reached over to take Sirius' hand. He grasped it tightly for comfort and to hide the fact that his own was trembling.

"What's going on?" Peter said slowly. James narrowed his eyes at their joined hands.

"You're not... you're not..." He looked up to Sirius for confirmation. "Are you?"

"It depends what you mean," said Remus. "If you mean what I think you mean, then yeah, we are."

"What do you think I mean?" said James, frowning. "If you mean what I think you mean about me meaning what you think I mean then I do mean what you think I mean."

"Why don't you just say it?" said a small voice.

Remus looked in surprise at Peter, who was sitting back, looking slightly confused.

"James thinks he knows what you mean, I think I know what you mean, you think you know what James and I think you mean, but no one's actually said what everyone thinks they think everyone means."

Sirius shook his head vigorously as if to clear it and James fiddled compulsively with the frayed edge of a cushion.

"I'll say it then shall I?" said Remus, dreading the moment.

Sirius nodded in assent and grasped his hand tighter. His knuckles were white and Remus had lost all the feeling in his fingers.

"Sirius and I are together." There was a silence. "You know... like that... together."

Despite the roaring fires and subtle chatter of pupils in the background the words seemed to echo with a penetrating force throughout the room. Remus felt like a glaring spotlight had been thrust upon him and it made him incredibly uncomfortable under his friends' gazes.

"Come on guys, say something please!" Sirius said, looking to Remus helplessly.

James opened his mouth, then closed it again. He shifted in his seat, coughed twice and tapped his legs with his hands. Peter scratched his head, rubbed his eyes and loosened his tie. They looked at each other then back at the pair before them. Peter made a slight noise in his throat and James coughed again.

"Oh come on!" Sirius exploded.

Both Peter and James jumped, but they still said nothing.

Remus looked down. The situation was difficult enough as it was. He didn't want his own friends to complicate things further. If only they'd say something... anything... any sort of reaction would be a start.

Finally Peter spoke up in a slightly high-pitched voice. "Well... uh... that's... er... interesting."

James coughed again. It irritated Remus greatly.

"I don't give a damn whether it's interesting or not, I just want to know if you're okay with it," said Sirius, looking rather annoyed.

"We'll need to... get used to it," said Peter with a slightly apologetic glance at Remus and a wary look at Sirius.

Remus gave a short nod.

"Understandable," said Sirius curtly. He paused and looked to his other friend. "James?" he said in a slightly softer tone.

James didn't answer for a moment. He was looking at Remus and Sirius' joined hands again. Sirius pulled Remus slightly closer towards him, as if for protection or in defence. James finally looked up.

"Congratulations," he said stiffly, and he walked away.

"Hey, where are you going? What's wrong?" Sirius called after him. If James heard, he made no sign of having done so and walked straight on up the stairs. Sirius looked back at Remus. "What's with him?"

Remus looked pityingly at Sirius' baffled expression. He turned to Peter. "Peter, d'you mind leaving me and Sirius alone for a moment?"

Peter nodded and got up quickly. He seemed relieved at being able to go.

Remus frowned at Peter's haste. "It's okay with you, right? This whole me and Sirius thing?"

A slight shudder seemed to pass over Peter as he turned back to face them. "It's... It's a bit weird, I have to admit," he said, biting a nail nervously. "You two are..."

"What?" interrupted Sirius. "Seventh-years? Gryffindors? Best friends? Crazy about each other?"

"Guys," finished Peter looking warily at Sirius.

Sirius groaned. "You don't think I know that? What the fuck does it matter?"

Remus put a hand on Sirius' arm to pacify him. "Leave it, Sirius." He turned to Peter. "Nothing's going to change, you know. Sirius and I will stay together regardless of what you all think. So the only thing to do is accept this."

"Yeah, I know," said Peter, though he looked slightly sickened as Remus kissed Sirius' hand reassuringly. He shivered again and muttered, "I'll deal with it," almost to himself as he walked off.

When he had disappeared up the stairs, Sirius spoke.

"Wasn't that bad, was it?"

"Could have been worse," Remus agreed. "Peter will get over it hopefully."

"What about James?" said Sirius quietly.

Remus paused to think. He knew, or thought he knew, why James had acted the way he had. "Jealousy," he said simply.

"Jealousy?" repeated Sirius, confused. "Of what?"

"Us."

"How? Why?"

"Think about it, Padfoot," said Remus, pulling his hand out of Sirius' grasp. "James is your best friend..."

"He's yours too..."

"I know, but you two are inseparable. You're the leaders of our group. You and James are the driving force, I'm the sense and Peter's the one who completes the Marauders. We all have our roles within our group and we all have different bonds. I'm close to James or Peter for different reasons than I'm close to you, and you're close to James for different reasons than you're close to Peter or me. James is almost your brother, Sirius. He's the one you went to when you ran away. He's the one you became friends with first. He's the one you immediately bonded with on your first train ride to school. You two are the popular, Quidditch-playing, infamous trouble-makers of the school and you're never one without the other."

"Except when I'm with you..."

Remus nudged him. "I'm trying to make a point here."

"Continue."

"Thank you. So clearly this friendship is important, to you and to James. Now, with me here... well things are bound to be a little different."

"But you've always been here."

"Yeah, but before I was here and James was right alongside you. With our relationship... the way it is... James isn't exactly always going to be around us all the time. He's not going to be with us when we kiss or when we go out... it'll change and I think James is jealous of the fact that I've sort of come between you and him."

"But you're just my boyfriend... I didn't make a fuss when he got together with Lily."

"But we didn't know Lily too well then. And she's sort of on the outside. Yeah, we're all friends with her but she's not part of our own group. We share things within the Marauders but now with me and you together, there are some things that aren't... shareable with the others."

"So James thinks that with you and me the way we are, me and him can't be as close?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"And he's jealous of the fact that you and me are close in this way, so it's like you're taking me away from him?"

"Exactly."

"Interesting..." Sirius pondered. He sighed. "I guess I should talk to him."

"Probably a good idea. Make him see that though things will inevitably different there's no reason why you two can't still be best friends. We'll be as we were, we'll prank and laugh and mess around and do homework... or not do homework... the only thing different will be that you and I kiss occasionally."

"Sounds good," Sirius said, grinning. He yawned. "Well, I feel much better now. If I can just get James to accept us, the stubborn prat, then things will be okay."

"What do we do about everyone else?" said Remus. He felt relieved now that things were out in the open, at least for their friends, but what about the others in their year? What about the other Gryffindors? What about the other Houses? What about the rest of the school?

"Well, we don't need to have a public announcement or anything," said Sirius waving a hand dismissively. "I'm not about to jump onto the table, call for everyone to gather around and then make a passionate and romantic declaration to my fair lady."

Remus prodded him in the ribs.

"What?" said Sirius. "My fair man just doesn't have same ring to it."

Remus prodded him again. "Idiot," he said, affectionately. "So what do we do?"

"Nothing. We don't tell, but we don't hide either. We do as we please, where we please, and when we please. They can figure things out. If people ask, we answer, but there's no need to make a big deal out if it."

"Sounds good," said Remus. "To bed then. Talk to James first thing tomorrow."

"Will do."

Remus began to walk away.

"Oh, and Remus?"

He turned back to face Sirius. "What is it?"

Sirius grabbed Remus' arm and pulled him back. He brought his lips to Remus' in a passionate kiss.

"Good night," he said simply, and he sauntered off.

Remus shook his head to clear himself of the pleasant shock he had received and followed Sirius to the Dormitory without looking back into the Common Room. He didn't know whether people had seen them or not. He didn't know if people had looked shocked or disgusted, indulgent or indifferent. He didn't know if people whispered criticism or compliments. He didn't know because frankly, he didn't care. He was with Sirius and all was right with the world.