The Complications of Falling in Love with your Best Friend

Chapter Seven - Confessions in the Dormitory

They say love's a gamble: hard to win, easy lose.

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"Here." Remus closed the door quietly behind him as Sirius entered the dormitory. He crossed the room and settled himself on the floor, his back against Remus' bed. He slumped over slightly, his chin resting on his knees that he had brought up to his chest, as if to protect himself. Remus sat in front of Sirius, cross-legged, perfectly upright, his hands resting in his lap. He took a deep breath.

"Sirius, I just wanted to say -" he began, but Sirius interrupted him, shaking his head vehemently.

"No let me talk first."

Remus fell silent. Sirius brought his legs down, mirroring Remus' position and he spread his hands out in front of him as he always did when trying to explain something.

"I shouldn't have pushed you away when you kissed me," Sirius said abruptly. "I don't want you to think it was because I didn't feel anything."

"So do you feel something?" Remus asked, surprised at how calm his voice sounded.

Sirius was silent for a moment. "You know, I always liked girls. There was Miranda, Nadia, Katie, Laura... I even thought I'd fallen in love with Holly for a short while. But when we broke up I found I didn't really care too much. I missed her a bit, but we'd never really been in love. It was more a sort of... severe mutual infatuation. After that I couldn't really be arsed with dating any more. I couldn't find someone right for me so I just concentrated on my friends instead. Then I noticed you.

"I started to learn more about you just by spending more time with you. I noticed the more complicated aspects of your personality: exactly what made you made you laugh and what made you roll your eyes in exasperation." Remus gave a small smile. "And then it struck me what a bloody amazing person you really were. I mean, Peter's my friend, and James is almost my brother, but you just fascinated me. And I thought, who needs girls when you've got friends like these?" Sirius paused to glance up at Remus again who was completely still, enthralled by Sirius' words. "I noticed you didn't really go out with girls too much, but I thought maybe you were just shy - I never thought you... I didn't think I'd... well..." Sirius trailed off and shook his head. "Then that night... That night two years ago when I sent Snape down to the Whomping Willow during the full moon... It was the worst night of my life. I realised what a complete idiot I'd been. One stupid moment of anger could have ruined everything. I was so relieved when James told me it was okay; no one had been hurt. I nicked his cloak and went down to see you early that morning in the Hospital Wing.

"You looked... God, Moony, you looked terrible. You weren't bleeding or anything, and Madam Pomfrey had cleaned up most of your bites and scratches but you were still so pale and for one wild moment I thought you'd died. But then you opened your eyes and I just felt so overwhelmingly relieved and happy. Then you rolled over... and... and... you cried."

Remus looked down, ashamed that Sirius had seen that.

"I'd never seen you like that before. Of all the years I'd known you, you never once complained about your transformations. I knew you hurt on the inside but you always looked so strong and you coped so well. To see you break down... it was horrible. And it just made me realise how fucking stupid I'd been to risk so much.

"You didn't talk to me for a week. You were so angry, understandably. And I knew that I deserved every cold glare you directed at me and I knew I deserved to be ignored. I was... God, Moony, I was miserable. The thought of never having you talk to me again, all because of my own stupidity was almost unbearable. And that's when I realised how I couldn't possibly survive without you in my life. When we made up I resolved to keep our friendship stronger than ever. I made a huge effort to really understand you, your thoughts, your feelings... sometimes I just loved to watch you. I liked having your presence near me. I was feeling happier than I had in a long time, possibly in all my life. I had run away from my bitch of a mother and found refuge at my best friend's house. I had three great friends, we were the Marauders and life was good.

"Soon after I started having all these thoughts I really didn't understand. I was happy when you were around, but felt so lost when you weren't there, like I was incomplete without your presence. And I was confused as to why I was feeling that way. It didn't feel normal. Then I caught you looking at me. I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't also staring at you but our eyes rarely met. When they did, I got the strongest feeling inside me, and I just couldn't place it. Sometimes you would blush and look away and I just didn't know why. I didn't realise that moment over dinner when I kissed you would affect you so much. I was being provocative, and it was a sudden impulse, just to see if it would affect me somehow. I guess I reacted so aggressively to Barrows because he was insulting you, and something I very well could be. I couldn't stand it that some Slytherin git was jeering at me because of something I couldn't even figure out myself. After that I asked myself increasingly whether maybe I was gay, because no normal guy should feel so emotionally attached to another guy.

"Finally, I worked up the courage to ask you about this, three nights ago. I didn't mean to come across as so angry. I was just so bloody confused and I hated it that I couldn't understand what was going on. I thought you could explain it to me, because you're always the one I turn to when I need an explanation. And, God, then you told me everything you felt and then you kissed me. My brain had frozen completely and I couldn't even think straight. When I pushed you away it's just so I could understand... I just wanted you to explain it all, tell me why this was happening and why I actually enjoyed kissing you. Then you said it was a mistake. First you tell me you're mad about me, then you kiss me, then you tell me it was a mistake?"

"I thought you hated me," muttered Remus. "You pushed me away and I didn't understand why."

Sirius continued as if Remus hadn't spoken. "Then it all suddenly clicked into place. I was attracted to you. I couldn't stand the disappointment when you said it was a mistake. I wondered if that meant I was... gay. I've never fancied another guy in my life. There's only you. I guess you don't necessarily have to know your sexuality to know you've fallen for your best friend."

Sirius finished speaking, leaving Remus' mind in a complete blur.

"Sirius..." he began, but he was unable to form a coherent statement to successfully convey all of his overwhelming emotions.

"You don't have to say anything," Sirius said quietly.

His cool blue eyes met Remus' warm amber ones, and Remus realised that he didn't have to say anything. Everything he felt, Sirius felt it too. Sirius gave him a searching gaze, as if he were looking for Remus' approval. As he lifted a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear, whether by accident or design, his fingers brushed against Remus' causing him to shiver involuntarily with inexplicable delight.

Sirius shifted closer to Remus. His breath catching in his throat, Remus vainly tried to subdue the millions of electric sparks that seemed to be shooting across his skin. Sirius was now incredibly close... Remus could almost taste the heat radiating off his skin. Sirius licked his lips, subconsciously or consciously, Remus didn't know, but what he did know was that he really wanted to taste those lips again. As Sirius closed his eyes and leaned towards Remus, Remus suddenly pushed him away. Sirius' eyes flickered open, a look of bewilderment on his face.

"What's wrong?"

"I..." Remus felt a flush of embarrassment creep over his cheeks. "I don't know what to do," he confessed.

Sirius grinned. "That didn't stop you from kissing me last time."

"I know," Remus muttered, his face flaming, "but that was... oh I don't know. That was an impulse. I wasn't thinking. This..." Remus gestured at the two of them sat on the floor, "this is what I've wanted for ages, and I want it to be perfect."

"Then just go with your instincts," Sirius said, shifting himself towards Remus again. "Wolf and dog. We're pretty instinctive animals you know." Sirius grinned suggestively and knelt in front of Remus, his hands either side of him. "It's not all that difficult, you'll see."

Remus nodded and closed his eyes, ignoring the bubbling nervous sensation growing inside him, and instead concentrating on the delicious shivers of delight running through him.

It was better than he could have hoped it to be. It wasn't like their last kiss, which had been so fraught with frustration and desperation that he could hardly remember if it had been good or bad. This was perfect. He finally had what he wanted and all his embarrassed feelings and nervous thoughts were swept away in an instant as he drowned in the giddy, floating sensation that was coursing through him.

Sirius' lips were warm, slightly rough and tasted sweet and minty...

"Hey," Remus said in a breathy voice as he broke away, "was it you who ate my last Mint Sugar Quill? Have you been going through my things? I wondered where it had got to..."

Sirius made an odd noise in his throat. "Doesn't... matter," he said, trailing soft kisses over Remus' lips. "Shut up... and... kiss me."

Remus was all too happy to oblige. He curled his elegant fingers through Sirius' dark hair, his pale skin a startling contrast against black. Sirius mirrored his gesture, long fingers laced through golden hair. Their lips met again. Noses and teeth bumped awkwardly. Tongues met. Breathing quickened. Fumbling slightly, Sirius' hands went to Remus' back, the cool touch searing his overly sensitive skin. Somehow, he found himself on his back, Sirius' warm weight pressing against him. Not thinking, nor particularly caring what he was doing, Remus' hands travelled to Sirius' back as he trailed a wandering pattern over his arched spine. Moaning softly, Sirius bit down on Remus' lower lip. Remus made a muffled noise of weak protest.

"People... will be coming back... soon," he said, trying to speak while Sirius pulled him closer.

Sirius didn't show any indication he had heard what Remus said.

"Sirius," Remus said more forcefully, or as forcefully as he could with Sirius pressed against his mouth, "we should..." Sirius pulled him into a searing kiss. "...Or not..."

But a sudden click and rise of voices forced them to stop. James and Peter were coming into the dormitory. Sirius flung himself off Remus and rolled onto his front, his head under Remus' bed.

"Nope, sorry Moony, I can't see that Anthology of Magical Literature from the Sixteenth Century. You must have left it downstairs," he said loudly, as the pair entered the room.

James and Peter looked down in confusion. Sirius was sprawled on the floor, his head poking under the bed. Remus had hastily tried to arrange his shirt so it didn't look too rumpled and was casually leaning on his hand trying to conceal his red and swollen lips.

"Anthology of what now?" James repeated in confusion.

"Magical Literature from the Seventeenth Century," Remus repeated. "I was reading it earlier and I was trying to persuade Sirius to read it too." Remus lied smoothly. "Unfortunately I can't find it so I must have left it in the Common Room."

"Yeah," agreed Sirius' voice, muffled due to his head still being under the bed.

James raised an eyebrow. "I thought Sirius said Sixteenth Century, not Seventeenth."

Remus opened his mouth, but quickly shut it again, pink tinting his cheeks. He still covered his lips with his hand, knowing they were suspiciously swollen.

"And why's your hair sticking up so much?" enquired Peter, pointing at Remus.

"Because we've been crawling on the floor for the last twenty minutes looking under the beds to find Remus' bloody book, you idiot," snapped Sirius as he wriggled to get himself away from the bed. "Ouch!" He yelled suddenly. He had tried to sit up too early and knocked his head against the wooden edge.

Remus, James and Peter laughed, alleviating the tension in the room.

"It's not funny," glowered Sirius, rubbing his head.

"Oh but it is," said Remus seriously, his eyes sparkling with laughter.

"So..." said James, looking from Sirius to Remus, "are you two... okay now?"

"Yeah," said Sirius, grinning at Remus. "Yeah, we're great."