No Ordinary Love

Chapter 6: The Way It Is

The morning after her break-up with Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks woke up with a splitting headache. As thunder rolled in the near distance, she turned over with a groan and pressed her cold fingertips to her burning eyes.

She was not at all shocked to find wetness on her cheeks.

Wiping away irritably at the lingering tears, she sat up into a hunched over position, and stared out of the window to her immediate right. The sky was a depressing shade of grey, the clouds overhead looking ready to burst.

"Today should be a pleasant day," Tonks muttered scathingly under her breath as a lone droplet of water splashed onto her windowpane.

She fell back into bed, wondering if she should owl in sick; she knew for sure that she'd be getting to the office a couple of hours later than normal. But, determined not to think about Remus, Tonks grudgingly got out of bed, realizing that work would be a good way to keep her mind off of the-

Ridiculous arse.

She cleared her mind as she shuffled to her closet grudgingly, to look for an outfit. Tonks wanted nothing more than to go to work in sweatpants and a t-shirt, but dress code on Level Two required tight-fitting garments underneath their uniformed robes, no matter if one was scheduled to remain at Auror Headquarters, or out at combat or on location.

Tonks racked her brain, trying to remember the day.

Sunday. Paperwork day at Headquarters.

She gulped hard, remembering another event scheduled for the day.

Order of the Phoenix meeting.

"Shit."

~

"Ready for lunch, Nymphadora?"

Tonks didn't bother looking up as she muttered, "Don't call me that."

Silence for a moment, then the visitor said, "I thought it would get a rise out of you."

Tonks sighed, glancing up at one of her closest friends and co-worker of hers. "Can't you tell I'm in no mood?"

Joss Appleton gave a crooked sort of smile and leaned against Tonks' full-to-bursting filing cabinet, crossing his muscular arms in front of him.

Tonks had known Joss back from their Hogwarts days, although he was a year above her, but they hadn't become friends until her first year at Auror Training. Joss had helped Tonks out a lot through drills, and he even saved her life once when confiscating a poisonous candle set and a multitude of soap bars containing Bulbadox Powder from a street vender at the corner of Knockturn Alley. Said street vender, however, did not go quietly: in protest, he cast an Unforgivable Curse at Tonks, only to miss when Joss pushed her out of harm's way.

"Well, you did get here two hours late. And your hair, which you usually keep up with, is atrocious today."

Tonks knew Joss was joshing around, but it was true. That very morning, after donning on a pair of tight jeans and a bright yellow tank top, she willed her hair to bloom into bubble-gum pink curls, but to no avail. She was left with mousy brown elflocks that she painstakingly brushed out the Muggle way and styled into a messy knot on the top of her head.

"You certainly know how to make a girl feel better, don't you?" Tonks said as she rolled her eyes.

Joss' smile fell. "You really aren't happy, are you? What's happened?"

Tonks bit her lip and closed her eyes. Pressing her cool fingertips against her eyelids (and inadvertently smudging ink beneath one of her eyebrows), she groaned, "You've no idea."

"We can talk it out over lunch. Georgiana is coming along. Maybe she can help you more than I can?" he suggested.

At the mention of Georgiana Erevis, Tonks couldn't help but smile. Her best friend since Hogwarts had returned from visiting family in Scotland, and she hadn't yet seen her. Tonks was more than relieved, so that she could tell her everything, if she could manage to talk about it, that is.

"Couldn't go on without seeing her, could you?" Tonks teased, a small smile blossoming on her face.

Joss grinned, showing a row of sparkling white teeth. It was all she needed as an answer.

"So, when are you proposing?" Tonks asked with a bit of difficulty, slipping her hidden bare feet into her faux leopard print flats. She wasn't quite sure she wanted to be discussing romance at such a time, but since it had to do with her best friend....

Joss' ran a hand through his thick brown hair and rested it on the nape of his neck.

"I haven't got a date set, to ask her, but I bought her the ring. I have it with me; I won't dare leave it in the flat where she can find it. Do you want to see it?" Joss asked in a rush of nervousness and excitement.

Before Tonks knew it, before she could decline his offer, or even shrug noncommittally, Joss withdrew a square, navy blue box from his robes and opened it to reveal a gold band with a huge, gleaming diamond attached.

Tonks nodded, her heart heavy and her throat suddenly tight.

"It's lovely," Tonks choked out, and she jumped from her chair in a hurry and turned to face the magical windows, which displayed a bright, cerulean sky, a betrayal to her mood.

"Are you-"

"I'm fine," Tonks interrupted. "Just, you know, getting my stuff." She threw on her khaki cardigan, not at all in the mood for the hot robes the Auror Department required for wear at all times, and slipped her wand into the back pocket of her jeans, hoping that the swipe she made at the moisture at the corner of her eye went unnoticed.

Tonks swallowed hard and pressed her lips together. Seeing that ring brought Remus Lupin into clear view, to the forefront of her mind. For the first time in her life, she envied something that she couldn't have, something steady and pure and whole.

Maybe someone else will come along.

The idea formed in her brain, and left the next moment. She knew there wouldn't be anyone else but Remus. A year of friendship and two fantastic dates wasn't a lot to go on, but there was something with Remus that Tonks hadn't had with any other bloke she'd dated. For the first time in her life, she had felt heat flush her cheeks, and experienced lightness in her heart, a flutter of snitches in her belly, all at the same time, all in Remus' presence.

Clearing her throat and turning around, Tonks stared at a spot over Joss' shoulder, avoiding his searching gaze, and asked, "Moody is on location today, right?"

"I haven't seen him, so I suppose he is," Joss said, looking over his shoulder quizzically.

Tonks brushed past him and towards the corridor to the lifts. "Good. If he was to make a comment about losing my buttocks, I'd have to knock out his wooden leg."

~

Tonks and Joss stepped out of the fireplace and into The Leaky Cauldron, eyes searching for a head of curly black hair. They spotted Georgiana at the same time, near the end of the bar ordering drinks.

"Georgie!" Tonks squealed.

For the first time that day, Tonks found herself grinning. When Georgiana met Tonks in the middle of the pub, to embrace, Tonks started to laugh, because she was so happy at seeing her best friend, so relieved to have someone to talk to, but Tonks also started to cry- her heart simply felt like it was going to burst with all the different emotions coursing through her.

"Tonks?"

"Tonks, what's wrong?"

Georgiana and Joss escorted Tonks to a table in the corner of the pub- a few patrons were staring at them with worry and curiosity- and helped her into the booth as she blubbered away apologies, almost knocking over the salt and pepper shakers with a flippant hand motion.

Through watery eyes, Tonks could tell her friends were confused and concerned about her sudden breakdown. Georgiana and Joss exchanged significant looks, which made Tonks' heart wrench, and Joss left the table and walked towards the bar.

"He'll be getting the drinks now," Georgiana explained, scrutinizing Tonks with her piercing blue eyes. "Now, tell me, what's gotten you so upset? This is a Tonks I've never seen before..."

Feeling sick, Tonks had a split second to decide whether or not to relay what had happened between herself and Remus to Georgiana. On the way over to The Leaky Cauldron, she had mentally debated, weighing the pros and cons: she would feel a world of relief and maybe even get some advice on what to do, on how to handle the situation, but she might also get sheer repugnance from her friends, for the fact that Remus was a werewolf, for the fact that he was so much older...

Squaring her shoulders, she determinedly met Georgiana's eyes and said, "I have a thing with Remus Lupin."

Georgiana's eyebrows flew up so that they disappeared into her fringe. Tonks waited for the explosion with bated breath. She didn't need to, though.

"What do you mean by 'thing'?" Georgiana inquired after a moment.

Baffled, Tonks asked, "Aren't you going to ask me about Remus Lupin first?"

Georgiana looked at her quizzically. "Why? Do I need to? From what I've heard about him, he's-"

"-a werewolf-"

"-a respectable man," Georgiana finished, speaking over Tonks' interruption. She went on to say, as Tonks stared at her, "If Dumbledore trusted him to teach at Hogwarts, then why should I question your decision to have a 'thing' with him?"

Tonks furrowed her brow. This wasn't at all what she was expecting, but then again, she should've known her friend would be a liberal witch.

"Tonks," Georgiana started, pulling at the uncomfortable collar of her lime green Healer robes, "I've known you since we were eleven years old. We're like two halves of a whole, you and I. Did you really think I wasn't going to approve? Did you really think that if I did, I'd be able to stop you?"

Tonks felt ashamed of herself and looked away, towards the bar where Joss was just then getting their drinks. Georgiana had a point. Even if her best mate had disapproved of the so-called 'thing' Tonks had with Remus, there was no way she could persuade her to drop someone she really cared for.

Tonks was in Hufflepuff for a reason.

Shrugging in vain, she said, attempting humor to shield her embarrassment, "Well, you know, we've never discussed the possibility of shagging a werewolf. I wasn't sure how you'd take it."

Their eyes met, they both pressed their lips together, and then they abruptly roared with laughter.

Just as Tonks was snorting to a stop, Joss placed a butterbeer and two cherry syrup and sodas onto the table. Georgiana slid down the booth a bit, to make room for her boyfriend, then kissed him on the cheek in greeting. Tonks smiled sadly.

"So, what've I missed?" Joss asked after slurping about half of his butterbeer down and telling them that he'd ordered fish and chips all around.

"Not much," Tonks said, raising her glass. "Cheers."

Georgiana smirked over at her, over her own drink, and said simply, "Tonks has a boyfriend."

Joss' eyebrows rose. "Really?"

"Had," Tonks said firmly. "Well, I don't think it even went that far, actually."

"I thought you said you had a 'thing' with him! You even mentioned shagging him!" Georgiana proclaimed.

"Well, obviously 'thing' is a very loose term," Tonks said, rolling her eyes.

"Wait a moment," Joss said, pointing his butterbeer at Tonks. "Who did you have a 'thing' with?"

"Remus Lupin," Tonks said plainly.

Joss whistled, looking surprised. "That guy has a lot of baggage."

"Tell me about it," Tonks muttered.

Tonks went on to tell her two closest friends about her "pre-date," as she deemed it, with Remus at The Leaky Cauldron, and how it had been she to make the first move. She then went on to explain that Remus had asked her out to dinner, leaving out the exact location of the place, and had wooed her so with a lovely meal and plenty of flirtation. She skimmed over her time on the couch with Remus, mentioning only that he'd kissed her first and that they'd been interrupted by none other than Severus Snape.

"Snape? Snape was there? Why? And what happened?" Georgiana asked, astounded.

Tonks huffed. "Well, he definitely ruined everything. He started having a go at him by telling me that I must be desperate, that he was too old and dangerous for me. I think that everything Remus was trying to ignore was thrown straight back into his face, and Snape certainly knew that would get under his skin.

"I tried to talk Remus out of it, but he wasn't having it. Whatever we'd started just fell apart." Tonks bit her lip and inhaled sharply, trying not to cry.

"Oh, Tonks," Georgiana said, reaching across the table to squeeze at her hand.

"I really like him, you know?" Tonks said, turning her face away to swipe at the tears at the corners of her eyes with her free hand.

"You've never been like this before," Georgiana stated. "You've never been this upset about a bloke."

"He's the only one I've ever wanted," Tonks uttered feebly, sniffing roughly.

Joss offered her an awkward smile.

"Cheer up, you," he finally said. "If it's meant to be, it'll happen in time."

The corners of her lips twitched, and Tonks said, "You've always been an optimistic fool, haven't you?"

He shrugged. "Someone's got to be."

Conversation about Remus Lupin ceased for a while. While they ate, they talked mostly about their jobs and the state of things in both the Wizarding and Muggle worlds. But when they'd paid the bill and were just sliding out of the booth, Georgiana asked Tonks as Joss led the way out of the pub and towards Diagon Alley, "Do your parents know about your 'thing' with Remus?"

They stopped at the brick wall to the Alley, and Tonks stared at the scarlet blocks. Since she and Remus had gone out, Tonks hadn't bothered to mention to her parents that she had been seeing someone, someone who was many years older, and a werewolf.

Diagon Alley came into view; she wasn't exactly sure who had tapped the bricks, and said as she walked through the entrance way, "My father met him."

"What did he say? And why the bloody hell did you introduce the two so early on?" Georgiana asked, holding hands with Joss and her shoulder brushing lightly against Tonks'.

"Yes, well," Tonks said, "it was quite unexpected."

She recounted her story, about Remus being kind enough to bring her leather jacket to her, and her father coming round the driveway to tell her to stop bringing men down from her flat.

"But you weren't dating at the time?" Joss asked.

Tonks shook her head. "No, it was that afternoon when we went to have lunch. I told my dad that I could take care of myself. He then proceeded to embarrass the hell out of me."

"That's what fathers are for," Georgiana said in a stage whisper with a roll of her eyes.

"He does a good job, then," Tonks responded back.

Just nudging playfully at Georgiana with her shoulder caused Tonks to overanalyze her next step; with the toe of her flats hooking onto a slightly protruding brick, Tonks crashed with flailing arms into a tall figure stepping out of the Apothecary. As soon as her nose collided painfully into the person's collarbone, she knew she was in deep shit.

"Remus!" Tonks cried, steadying herself on his wonderfully broad shoulders, the muscles of which, she was very aware, were rippling beneath her fingertips. Vaguely, Tonks registered that Remus' hands had found her waist, no doubt to keep her upright.

"Hello, Tonks," Remus said, much more subdued than she. "All right, then?"

She stared at him, still dizzied by his intoxicating scent of chamomile and sandalwood, not because she had nothing to say- on the contrary, maybe too much- but because they'd just broken up the night before, and Remus was being so indifferent during this unexpected run-in with each other. It was a bit baffling to Tonks.

"Err, yeah, I guess," Tonks responded in a burst of breath she didn't know she'd been holding, nodding her head vigorously, feeling as if she were about to vomit all over Remus' lovely brown loafers.

The loafers that he'd worn last night.

Oh, Merlin, Tonks thought, then wondered if she'd make it through this encounter. She rubbed her sweaty hands on her jeans.

When a cool hand clenched her arm, Tonks realized she was still nodding.
She stopped bobbing abruptly, as Georgiana said, giving her a pointed look, "Tonks, you've forgotten your Most Noble and Ancient Black manners."

Mind still reeling from Remus' nonchalance, Tonks exclaimed, "Oh!" and her arms slackened to her side just as Remus retracted his hands; she missed him curl his fingers longingly.

She introduced Remus to Georgiana ("my best friend"), as well as to Joss ("a very close colleague"), and Georgiana and Joss to Remus, an-

"-Acquaintance of sorts," Tonks said after a slight pause, looking at Remus, searching his face and finding nothing but detachment.

Her lungs felt like they were full of lead, which usually happened when all that she wanted to do was cry. Did he not even care that she hadn't given him the title of Friend at the very least? She'd expected at least some sort of reaction. But Remus just nodded and forced a smile onto his face, as if he was wasting his time.

"Pleasure. Really," he said, sounding much like he was trying to convince Georgiana and Joss, and himself.

Tonks' heart felt heavy. Why hadn't gravity pushed her into the earth yet? She really wished it had when Remus asked, "Tonks, could I have a private word?"

Gut wrenching, Tonks glanced quickly at Georgiana and Joss, and seeing their encouraging looks is what made her follow Remus into the tiny, dingy lane between the Apothecary and the entrance to Diagon Alley, a little out of the way.

Upsetting the tin top of a garbage can with a violent swing of her arm, Tonks winced and waited for a crash that never came. Remus' reflexes were in top form, as he levitated the top back to its rightful place in the dim alleyway.

"Sorry," Tonks muttered, and leaned back against the dirty brick wall, crossing her arms over her chest and gazing at her feet with unseeing eyes.

She felt Remus come nearer to her, was certain his hand hovered above her arm before he pulled away hastily. Heat flooded her cheeks, and her blood was roaring in her ears, she was so mad.

After what felt like days of standing there, Remus cleared his throat and said, "I'm glad to see you out and about." He paused, let out a sigh. "I've been worried about you."

Tonks stared at him, incredulous, eyebrows raised skeptically. "Yeah? Why's that?"

His eyes searched her face, and a different type of heat flooded through Tonks. She ignored it, tried to remember she was angry, and finally stood akimbo, awaiting Remus' answer.

He looked a bit nervous as he explained, gazing into her eyes, "Well, I was concerned that you might not... that you would be... I don't know what I thought, really. I'm rubbish with this sort of thing." Tonks' lips twitched. Why did Remus have to be so perfect?

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry that I hurt you," Remus continued, "I never meant to, but I know that I did. I'm sorry."

His eyes fell, and Tonks' heart felt like it had plummeted to the pit of her stomach. She appreciated the sincere apology, but it wasn't enough for her. She moved in front of him (almost stepping on his foot in the process), grasped the soft and worn material of his charcoal blazer's sleeve and gave it a gentle tug.

Their eyes met again. "If you don't want to hurt me, stay with me." She pushed the cuff of his sleeve up slightly, wanting to feel him. Her fingertips grazed the soft hairs along the back of his hand, and just that made her arm erupt with gooseflesh. "I don't care about your condition. I don't care about your money. I don't care how old you are. I really like you, Remus, can't you see that?" With every word Tonks said, her voice rose steadily in anger.

Remus pulled his sleeve away roughly, and a navy button flew off and rolled down the alley. Tonks was sure that before he turned his face away, she'd seen a flash of something in his eyes, something she'd only seen once before: last night.

"I can't, Tonks," Remus said suddenly. "I know that you think you want this now, but what about your future? You've got your whole life ahead of you, one full of promise and potential. I would only get in the way of all that. You deserve someone who you can be proud of, not someone that will be an anchor around your neck." Tonks stared at him, stunned. "I can't... I can't do that you."

It took her a second to recover from the dismissal he'd clearly given her.

"I want this now, Remus, don't you? We can take this one step at a time." She looked up at him, hoping he'd take her side and take her into his arms. "You can't honestly tell me you want to be single forever."

Remus laughed a sad laugh that made Tonks ache; she wanted to fix this man, to make him believe that he was worth everything.

"No, I don't think anyone wants to stay single, but sometimes life isn't fair. Don't you see what I'm trying to say, though? I'm not right for you."

Everything stopped with those words. Tonks felt ill, felt as if someone had physically kicked her in the stomach. Unaware of her pain, Remus went on even though all she wanted to do was box her ears.

"I'm not good enough for you. It's not that I don't lo- that I don't care about you, it's just that I've got too much baggage."

"So I've heard," Tonks interrupted.

"I would only end up hurting you more than I already have, Angel."

For a moment, Tonks glared at Remus, until she realized he used his nickname for her, and possibly almost used the word "love" in his spiel. All her anger dissipated in a flash.

"We're good together, Remus. You are right for me. There's no question about it." She paused, wanting his hand in hers again. "You're not letting life be fair, when you push everything that's good away."

Remus turned away from her. "I've spent a lifetime of pushing things away, Tonks. Ever since the day my parents were killed during the first war, I've isolated myself in order to guard against feeling too much." Tonks could tell it was painful and difficult for Remus to talk about such a subject. She was about to console him somehow, with a hand onto his shoulder, but he whirled around, and she withdrew her hand quickly. "Look, I'm sorry how things ended the other night. Friends?"

Remus held out his hand. Confused and with furrowed brows, Tonks stared at his hand, then looked up at him and into his eyes.

Tonks wasn't sure what to say, but before she knew it, "You and I both know that we can never be Just Friends now," spilled from her lips with steely resolve. She crossed her arms in front of her chest again, feeling vulnerable and terrible for saying such a thing to Remus. It was true, though. If she couldn't have all of him, which she was going to try to get for the rest of her life if she had to, then she wouldn't have him at all.

Tonks gaped when all Remus did was sigh in understanding. "Well, at least we shall remain comrades in the Order. I guess I'll be seeing you tonight at the meeting, then." If her jaw could hit the floor, it would have. "It was nice meeting your friends. I'd better get going. If I don't take this Wolfsbane Potion soon, I'll miss my chance. I'll see you later, Tonks."

Without another word, Remus walked quickly out of the alleyway with only an awkward nod to Tonks, then one each to Georgiana and Joss, who were at the entrance of their secluded area, talking amongst themselves. Tonks hurried to her friends, watching Remus go with a throbbing headache.

With every step Remus took, his shoulders slumped forward further under the weight of his shame.