Stupidify

The first meeting

Yes, the girls at Hogwarts are too smart for the poor boys who want them. Hogwarts is not a place where you can get away with everything; the girls' intellect was a problem that had to be taken care of... and fast.

Seamus, Dean and Justin walked down the hallway to the meeting place: a broom cupboard on the second floor that had been magically altered to accommodate the entire shagable male population of the castle, professors excluded. The directions were reasonably easy to follow (up the wooden stairs, sharp turn to the left, second to the right, door behind tapestry), but they were, as expected, lost.

"Are you sure we took the first turn to the left?" asked Dean.

"I think we took the second... damn it!" Justin bellowed.

"Stop yelling!" yelled Seamus. "Someone might hear us," he added in a small voice, looking around tensely.

"We should go back to the stairs and follow the directions this time."

"The third time," added Dean, looking accusingly at Justin.

"It's not my fault you two walked ahead and I had to follow you. I got distracted."

"Twice? You really are daft, you know."

They reached the stairs.

"Shut up and let me concentrate this time. I'll walk ahead!"

Fifteen minutes later, the boys reached the meeting room. As they entered, they were met by fifty accusing stares.

"I'm sorry about the delay," said Dean with a resolute look. "We got... detained," he said, looking at Justin, who was trying to blend into the crowd. There were boys from each House, even Slytherin, sitting on two benches that surround the large, dark, medieval room.

"I trust you have used the spare time to think of solutions to our problem." Silence. "Apparently I shouldn't trust you with anything." Dean sighed wistfully, then whispered something resembling "bloody idiots" and "why me".

"Fortunately for you, I found a possible key (jaws dropped, Hufflepuffs fainted). There is a spell that can cut intelligence to half."

"But then won't we become stupid?" asked a Slytherin.

"Obviously it has been taken into consideration. The spell can be used on a specific target, or targets; in this case, Hogwarts' female population."

The boys exchanged questioning looks, and then a smile formed on their lips. A key. They had a solution in their hands.

"Shall we vote?"

They all nodded vigorously.

"Those who are in favour to using the spell, raise your left hand. (pause, hands being lifted and counted) Those who are against using the spell, raise your right hand." A Slytherin and a Hufflepuff raised their hands.

"The majority has decided: the spell will be used, and details shall be cleared later. I have a question to those who have voted against it: why don't you want to be a part of this?"

"If it doesn't work properly, they might be stuck like that forever. Think about the punishment for THAT! I mean, it could be considered an attack against teachers," the Hufflepuff said shakily.

"As much as I hate admitting it, he has a point. Even if it works properly, they might figure it out when the spell is taken off," added the Slytherin, obviously trying to avoid his Housemates' glares.

Dean shrugged elegantly. "Nothing a good memory charm won't fix," he said slyly, while studying his muddy fingernails. Seamus looked at him angrily (the mentioning of memory charms always made him react like that, after an unfortunate incident during his sixth year), while the others stared blankly, looking very much like a flock of sheep with Dean as the shepherd.

"Are you telling us you can put a memory charm on the entire female population of Hogwarts, unnoticed by any of the staff, and that you will do this to cover up another spell of the same magnitude, that you have also cast unnoticed?" the Slytherin asked, while struggling to ignore the threats his Housemates were muttering under their breaths.

"Yes."

The members of the gathering shrugged simultaneously. "Do it, then."

"I shall set the details and do the first spell after next week's meeting. Goodbye, and make sure you leave in small and inconspicuous groups. Neville, what have I told you about wearing neon green trousers when we're going incognito?"

"Uh... don't?"

"Precisely. Seamus, act like an efficient assistant and transfigure Neville's trousers into black ones. Yes, leather will do just fine." Dean sighed, then concentrated on keeping the members in order; not an easy task, even with Seamus and Justin's help. He left the room last, with Seamus and Justin closely behind him.

~*~

The second meeting

It took them only fifteen minutes to locate the room this time.

"You're like wine, Justin. You get better with time."

"What?"

"Never mind. Just open the sodden door. I have to carry a lot and I'm cramping up."

Justin opened the door, then accidentally slammed it in Dean's face, as his mind was busy processing the wine comment. Justin opened the door again, only to face an angry-looking Dean. He slammed the door again.

Three slammings later, Seamus finally decided to step in and hold the door open for the person in charge.

"I'm sorry about the delay. I got detained by an idiot called Justin Finch-Fletchly." He shot an angry look in Justin's direction, who was trying to hide behind Seamus. It didn't work, as he was much taller. Seamus seemed to enjoy the situation very much indeed.

"Never mind the delay; do you have the materials necessary for the plan?" a Slytherin sixth year asked from his left.

"Are you, by any chance, blind? Do you fail to see the books I am carrying?"

"Uh... no."

"I have everything ready. The spell shall be cast next Wednesday."

"Why are we here then?"

"I had no time to cancel the gathering. Sorry about that."

"S'alright, we can play Exploding Snap while we're here!" a Gryffindor fifth year shouted from his right. The other boys in the room nodded vigorously, cheered and clapped their hands loudly.

"Won't it be too noisy, Dean?" a Ravenclaw asked.

"It will. You can try to stop them if you want, but I hope you have a nice funeral ready." The people who had heard the Ravenclaw's comment had murder in their eyes, so the boy gulped and hastily left the room. Dean left alone, as Seamus and Justin were winning the game.

Dean and the Ravenclaw met at the bottom of the stairs.

"Can you tell me the name of the spell? I can look it up and see if there are any side effects."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Aren't you Ravenclaws supposed to be the smart ones? There is no spell. All I did was give the boys the impression that the girls are dumber, so that they won't feel inferior and leave the school as virgins."

The Ravenclaw chuckled. "I can't wait to see those daft blokes making idiots of themselves in front of the entire female population."

"Don't hold your breath, they actually stand a chance. It's all in the mind, mate." The Ravenclaw seemed unconvinced, but Dean was already on his way to dinner.

"Whatever," he said and headed for the Library.

~*~

The third meeting

Dean, Justin and Seamus found the room deserted. Apparently, a certain Ravenclaw sixth-year had spread the word that the girls had already been 'stupidified'.

"Let's go to the common room and play Exploding Snap."

~*~

On the hallway, in front of the Gryffindor common room

Neville, black-eyed and disheveled, was trying to talk to Parvati.

"D'you want to come to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?"

The girl applied more lipbalm from a pink tube, and then pouted for an effect. Neville leered over her.

"I can't, I've already got three other dates that day."

The boy refused to stop looking at her. She looked at him with a bored expression for a moment, sighed, shook her head and walked away. By this time, Dean, his assistant and Justin were a few feet away from Neville.

"Ouch," Seamus said with a mock regretful voice. Neville looked at him with large puppy eyes, his face the perfect depiction of disappointment.

Dean glared at Seamus, then proceeded in giving Neville pick-up lines and tips. Justin yawned and went to dinner, knowing Seamus would soon follow.

In front of the Great Hall door

"No, Blaise. I absolutely refuse to go out with you. And no, I don't want your help with my potions homework. I aced the last test and you got an abysmal mark. How stupid do you think I am?!"

"Approximately twice as stupid as you were yesterday, actually."

She slapped him and walked away. Dean watched the scene in awe. So Slytherins had trouble with the girls in their own House, then? Meanwhile, Blaise's acne-blemished face was growing red. Why were all the Slytherins so damn pale, anyway?

As he was thinking of possible reasons for the last question, Dean walked right into Ginny Weasley, who was absently carrying a tray of food towards the door; he managed to smear the front of her robes with red sauce. She slapped him. Blaise and Seamus started laughing at the same time, then they looked at each other in disgust and sat down at their respective tables.

~*~

The fourth meeting

All the boys in the room were black and blue. They looked at Dean angrily, and some even muttered curses under their breath. Dean gulped nervously.

"I think things got a little out of hand during the past week." A few used bandages flew towards his head; he dodged them and edged towards the door.

"I assure you I'll take the spell off as soon as the meeting's over."

Ten minutes' worth of explaining later...

Dean was running towards the wooden stairs, with all the boys of the final three years hot on his pursuit. They caught him.

~*~

Two days later, on a deserted hallway in the West Tower

Dean was dressed in a white cat outfit, complete with a red ribbon that nearly choked him, tied up and bound to the floor. He hadn't eaten anything in forty-eight hours, he was cramping up, he needed to use the bathroom and his arse was itchy. All in all, it was not a highlight moment of his life.

Mrs. Norris casually walked down the hallway, looked at him with an expression close to amusement, then disappeared around the corner.

Ten minutes later, Filch appeared. He looked at Dean with disgust before untying him, but he couldn't unbind him, as he was a squib. He went to fetch Dumbledore.

Two humiliating hours later, Dean was finally free to use the prefects' bathroom. He ran towards the door, ignoring the shocked gasps his colleagues gave him.

"I wonder what they're so shocked about... I'm out of the... the... cat costume." He shuddered.

Of course, it could've had something to do with the luminous "HORNY BASTARD" permanent tattoo on his forehead.