Copacabana

[Int] A small Tiki Room-style club. The hottest spot north of Havana, in fact.

Onstage, before the doors open: A yellow sundress-clad McGonagall is seated at the drum set, spinning the sticks rapidly with both hands. A pink hibiscus rests in her hair, which has come down from its normal bun to flow freely down her back. Snape stands on the opposite end of the stage before a pair of bongo drums. He wears a skirt of palm fronds and a coconut bra, and looks distinctly disgruntled about this. Dumbledore takes upstage center, his normal robes gone and replaced with khaki shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and several plastic leis. A look of determination is on his face, and he clutches a triangle and stick firmly.

Parvati Patil and Lavendar Brown stand behind the lead singer; they wear identical white shorts and violet bikini tops.

Scene: Five minutes later. The doors open, and a rush of people enter. Some seat themselves at one of the small tables scattered throughout the room; others head for the bar; still others walk over to the dance floor and wait.

The stage lights come up on Draco, wearing a green silk shirt, white linen suit, and matching Panama hat. He is standing before the solitary mike on the stage. A gaggle of teenage girls stand shouting at the back of the room, and with a smirk in their direction, he undoes a button of the silk shirt.

"Look at him," Snape mutters in disgust. "They should be going crazy for *me!*"

McGonagall watches Snape with an unreadable expression. /I would look so much better in that bra than he would./

As the shrieks of the girls in the back grow into a frenzy, McG starts up the drums, and Draco begins to sing.

"Her name was Hermione – she was a showgirl"

Hermione, clad in a slinky red satin dress and glittering blue heeled shoes, hair done up with the requisite yellow feathers, stalks out onto the dance floor. Shooting a murderous glance at Draco, she begins to half-heartedly hand jive.

"With yellow feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there, she would merengue and do the cha-cha"

"All right, you want cha-cha, I’ll cha-cha," she mutters. Switching dance styles doesn’t help her any—she begins wobbling on her spiked heels.

"And while she tried to be a star, Ron would always tend the bar"

"Sex on the Beach?" Ron stuttered. "Er…coming right up."

A brunette slid into the seat directly across from him. "Can I get a Comfortable Screw?"

Ron dropped the pitcher he was holding.

"Across the crowded floor, they worked from eight to four. They were young and they had each other…who could ask for more?

"At the Copa-"

Parvati and Lavendar exhibit Classic Syncopated Backup Girl Moves: "Co!"

"Copacabana!" ("Copacabana!") "The hottest spot north of Havana!" ("Here!")

"At the Copa-" ("Co!") "Copacabana!….Music and passion were always the fashion at the Copa…They fell in love."

Hermione stumbles over to the bar, takes off her shoes, and begins rubbing her soles. "Just get me something hard, darling."

Ron smiles. "Anything for you, dear."

"His name was Harry…he wore a diamond."

Harry enters, flanked by an entourage of about ten burly men. "Hey," he says. "I like that table over there."

Two of the burly men stride over, eject the current diners, and motion Harry over. He takes a seat. A terrified waiter approaches. "Wha-what’ll it be, sir?"

Harry frowns at the menu. "Get me a lemon drop." The waiter nods and backs away, shaking. "Wait." He stops. Harry waves him back and pulls him in close. "I want it in a Bugs Bunny Dixie cup."

"B-but we don’t have any Bugs Bunny Dixie cups!"

One of the burly men yanks the waiter up by his collar. "Listen, punk. When the boss says he wants a Bugs Bunny Dixie cup, he gets a Bugs Bunny Dixie cup! Get it?"

"Y-yes sir!" The waiter scurries off. The burly man sits back, satisfied.

"He was escorted to his chair, he saw Hermione dancing there…"

Hermione sat bolt upright at the bar. "Shit. I’m up." She kissed Ron quickly. "See you after the show, honey."

Harry watched her appreciatively. "I wonder how she walks on those shoes," he said. "Hey, you! C’mere!"

"When she was finished, he called her over"

Hermione sat down next to him. "Yeah?"

Harry looked down at her feet. "I was just wondering—"

"But Harry went a bit to far, Ronnie sailed across the bar"

"YOU BASTARD!" Harry looked up to see Ron, purple with rage, hop the bar, trip, and fall into the lap of the brunette. "Oh…."

"And then the punches flew"

"You whore!" Hermione took off a shoe, hopped over, and commenced assaulting the brunette.

"And chairs were smashed in two"

"Judo-CHOP!" The burly man looked down at the chair he’d just demolished with an air of satisfaction. Harry shrugged and downed his drink.

"There was blood and a single gunshot"

"Ouch, you bitch, I think I just broke a nail!"

"Shut up and fight!"

"Hermione, is this really necessar-"

"You wanna be next, freckle-boy?"

~BLAM~

"I—think I’m dying."

"A heh."

"But just who—shot—who? At the Copa-" ("Co!") "Copacabana!" ("Copacabana!") "The hottest spot north of Havana!" ("Here!")

"At the Copa-" ("Co!") "Copacabana!….Music and passion were always the fashion at the Copa…She lost her love."

Hermione throws herself, sobbing, onto Ron’s body. Harry crosses his legs and nonchalantly flips the smoking gun over his shoulder, looking distinctly uncomfortable. The brunette gives him an appraising look. Ignoring the burly men, she saunters over to the table and sets her drink down beside him. "Want to share an Orgasm?"

[Cue: Obscenely long instrumental portion.]

McGonagall ends a drum solo and hurls the sticks out into the audience. One whaps the brunette on the head; the other lands in her drink. Harry looks down at the KO’d girl and beats a hasty retreat, the burly men following close. Dumbledore resolutely pings the triangle. One of the teenage girls in the back hurls her dark green bra at Draco, who tips his hat and undoes another button. The swooning girl is caught by her friends. Parvati and Lavendar leap onto the dance floor and drag a ranting Hermione off of the body, which is then carried away by stretcher-bearing gnomes.

McG leaps on Snape and begins fighting him for the coconut bra. The brunette wakes up, shakes her head, and looks around. Spying Seamus Finnegan nursing a drink, she takes about two steps before being tackled by a raving Hermione.

Across the room, Angelina Johnson and Fred Weasley catch each other’s eye. Grinning, they slide under the table—only to encounter another couple already busy there. The four of them—Angie, Fred, Simon, and Cassie—scramble out, red-faced.

"Her name is Hermione—she was a showgirl."

Draco has slipped out of his white jacket, and now wears only the white pants and half-undone green silk shirt. Hermione sits at the bar, wearing the same slinky dress and glitzy shoes. Underneath, however, she seems to…sag…a bit more.

"But that was thirty years ago, when they used to have a show."

Parvati and Lavendar are now dressed in twin hotpants-and-crop-top outfits. The room has undergone a renovation as well: A disco ball is suspended from the ceiling, the floor is now mirrored, and a strobe light flashes in the corner.

"Now it’s a disco, but not for Hermione"

Hermione slugs back half of her bottle of Jack Daniels. "Keep ‘em coming, bartender."

"Still, in that dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair"

She hiccoughs. "Used to be damn sexy, you know. Still am!" Reaching unsteadily for the bottle, she knocks over another patron’s beverage.

"She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind"

The bartender shudders. "Miss, that’s enough for today. Now, please, quiet down, or I’m going to have to ask these men to escort you out."

"She lost her youth and she lost her Ronnie…now she’s lost her mind! At the Copa-"

Parvati and Lavendar begin to Hustle. "Co!"

"Copacabana!" ("Copacabana!") "The hottest spot north of Havana!" ("Here!")

"At the Copa-" ("Co!") "Copacabana!….Music and passion were always the fashion at the Copa…Don’t fall in love."

The teenage girls in the back catch Hermione as she topples off her stool.

"Don’t fall in love."

Lavendar and Parvati end in a Charlie’s Angel’s pose.

"Don’t fall in love…."