Draco Dexter

Starling: "Previously on Draco Dexter... (God, I always wanted to say that!) After four chapters and no straight action, Ron Weasley decides it is time for revenge, and crafts a cunning plan to... steal Draco´s mojo! So, as Ron sex-machine Weasley flies to Hogwarts to find a spell that will prevent men and plant life from ALSO being attracted to him (and you though being a leather-clad sex-god like Draco was an easy job?), our heroes must save the day...

Chapter 6: O Mojo, Where Art Thou?

 

"Drat!" said Ginny, looking out the window and seeing Ron ride off into the sunset. "He's gone! We'll have to go after him..."

Draco looked at her wide-eyed. "Are you my mommy?" he asked innocently.

"Am I your MOMMY?" Ginny sputtered. She would have said more, but she was cut off as Draco attached himself to her robes while sucking his thumb.

"Mommy," he whimpered through his thumb, "Mommy, I've lost Mr. Gordo. Mommy, help me find him!"

"Fine." she snapped. "But then we need to get your sword, Draco, because we might need it to force Ron into submission."

"Mommy!" said Draco, shocked. "That’s dangerous! And scary! Oh, I want Mr. Gordo!"

"Lets go." Ginny groaned, and then said quietly to herself, "Who would've thought I'd end up babysitting the guy I have sex with..." Then she surrendered to Draco's tugging on her robes, and let herself be pulled into an unknown hallway in search of Mr. Gordo and the sword.

*meanwhile...*

Ron Weasley flew across the Scottish sky--as Hogwarts is in Scotland, not England, you bloody dolt--viewing the grasses below him.

Sixty-nine castles in a row, he thought, tightening the grip on his Comet 260 broomstick.

(Oh hush, you pervert.) The wind blew through Ron's hair, waving it back and forth like red hair tends to do in that situation.

"Look, Mom!" he yelled. "No hands!!!" A gale-force wind suddenly struck the weathered broomstick, sending it falling toward an unlikely destination. (Look, you sicko: SHUT UP!)

Ron Weasley yelled, birds checked out his butt and vital areas for reproduction, and the

Hufflepuff broomshed suddenly had a gigantic hole in its side.

"Oy..." he said, making his way up from the wreckage like a Weasley who had just has a near-death experience with a Comet 260. He could hear whispers of satisfaction from inside the broomshed.

"Hello?" Ron asked, knocking on the shed door.

"What do you want?" asked a familiar voice from the inside. It appeared as though the person was out of breath.

"Justin Finch-Fletchley, what are you doing?" Ron asked, opening the door to the shed, which fell apart. (Except for the roof. The roof just stayed in its spot, because if it didn't, our hero looking for straight action would have his quest ended mighty early plus Draco would never get his mojo back.)

"Hey, Ron! You can join me if you want!" Justin yelled eagerly. "I got some special plants for the occasion..."

"I'm not getting it on with plants," Ron replied quickly.

"Ron, when'd you get to be so sexy?" Justin asked. "I find you very attractive."

"I find that very flattering," Ron said. "Unfortunately, I'm not gay." Ron began to walk away from the Hufflepuff, only to find Justin crying.

"But, Ron!" Justin yelled in between sobs. "I love you!"

*Meanwhile in Malfoy Manor... *

"Harry," said Hermione, splashing around a bit, "I think the milk’s getting cold."

"So it is!" said Harry with an evil grin. "Think we should warm it up?"

"Harry, it didn't work the last, what is it now, 8 times! I think we should go to Hogwarts.

They have this great 'Chamber of Sexual Secrets' there, and the house elves always have plenty of warm milk."

"Hey!" said Harry angrily. "How do you know about the Chamber of Sexual Secrets?"

"Oh! Um, well, you see," said Hermione, turning red, "Well, Fred and George... they're twins, you know... And two is better then one..."

"Never mind." Harry cut her off. "I don't want to know. But if we're going to Hogwarts, we'll need to dress up. Everyone's doing it!"

"Ok. Meet back here in 5 minutes."

5 minutes later they were back. Hermione was wearing a black leather cat woman suit, and Harry was wearing a collared shirt and a green and red kilt. (Thats for you, Sinead!)

"Hey, nice idea Harry!" said Hermione gleefully. "Easy accessibility!"

Harry grabbed his broom, and Hermione hopped on after him. (Heh! Hermione on Harry's broom... *snigger*) They flew off into the sky.

The wind blew fiercely, and Harry began to focus his attention on the air instead of making out with Hermione.

"I wanna make love to you on this broom," Hermione stated to Harry as he dodged some bird poop.

"Me, too," Harry said. "In the middle of a Quidditch match...wait...I promised Quidditch to Narcissa."

A giant thunderstorm suddenly appeared out of nowhere. (Actually it more or less appeared out of the sky, as that's where thunderstorms come from.) Harry Potter cursed, and Hermione gripped his wooden broomstick with one hand and Harry's other broomstick with the other.

"HALT!" said a voice.

"God," Hermione said. "Capital letters."

"I AM THE GREAT VOICE!"

"No...that's from something else," Harry said. "The Great Voice is already taken."

"YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU KNOW. DANG."

"Don't talk in capital letters either," Hermione said. " 'Cause the other Great Voice talks in capital letters, too."

"When did you encounter this Great Voice?" asked the wannabe Great Voice.

"Okay...now that no one's understanding the author's reference to his fic, let's get on with it," Hermione said.

"What do you want?" Harry asked.

"SEX!" came the reply in capital letters.

* * * * *

"Ron, I love you though!" Justin Flinch-Fletchley yelled. "No one wants to have sex with me...it's not fair!"

Ron turned, facing Justin. "I never knew you were gay."

"Neither did I!" yelled Justin. "But if you want, I'll dress up in a kilt and flash you!"

"Harry's more into that," Ron replied.

Justin smiled. He smiled evilly. "Too late!" he yelled, taking off his pants. His hands waving his pants over his head, he danced around.

In a plaid red kilt.

"Tell me, Ron. Tell me...do I make you horny?" The skirt--I mean kilt--flew up through the air as Justin danced around.

"Shut up," Ron said, running away. God, all I wanted was some straight action! he thought to himself. Why must life be so difficult?

As Ron dashed away from Justin (who was sobbing miserably into his pair of trousers), he slammed into something warm and solid. Rubbing his throbbing forehead, he looked up and his knees gave away. Staring down at him was Hagrid wearing nothing but a very tight pair of leather underwear.

"Hagrid," he gasped, fearing for the worst, "buddy, pal, please don't do this to me." He choked and coughed, "I thought you're with Madam--" he coughed some more.

"Ah, Ron," Hargrid smiled affectionately, "even your cough is sexy. How could I resist you?" he cried, diving forward.

Ron gave a strangled yell and leaped sideways, bashing his head into the wall.

Hargid didn't seem to notice, he had his arms spread wide open, eyes closed, large sausage like lips puckered--

BOOM

There was a mighty crash and what seemed to be an explosion. Dust and splinters of wood rained down at poor straight-action-seeking Ron. When he could see again, he saw a roughly Hagrid-shaped hole on the floor, leading to the floor below.

Oh no!

Panicking, Ron rushed forward and proceeded to peered down the crevasse, then stopped.

Professor Trelawney's voice yelled with delight, "Alas! Hagrid I knew you were in love with me! What romantic way to confess, diving down into my bath wearing, OHHHHHH" she squealed, "such tight and waterproof undergarments!"

Hagrid grunted in despair.

Ron backed up and fled from the wreckage of the Hufflepuff broomshed, towards the Quidditch fields where at least he could be alone and think. He dashed into the Gryffindor Quidditch changing rooms, assuming they would be deserted.

They weren't. Sprawled out on the benches, wearing nothing but strategically placed damp towels, were the Gryffindor Chasers: Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, and an Unknown Girl Who Was Most Definitely Not Alicia Spinnet. They were smoking cigarettes and candidly admiring Katie's collection of photos of naked seventh-year boys which she had taken in the Prefects Bathroom.

"How did you get these photos, Katie?" marveled the Unknown Girl, tugging up her towel, much to Ron's disappointment. (Oh, he was hiding behind a locker so no one would see him. What's that you say? They don't have lockers at Hogwarts? Begone, pedant!)

"I sneaked Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak," snorted Katie. "Oh, come on, everyone knows he has one. Oooh, look at this picture of Seamus Finnegan. That's one of my favorites. I can't quite figure out what he's doing with that bottle of bubble bath, though..."

"Or the six feet of surgical tubing," added Angelina, looking askance. Suddenly she glanced to the side, frowning. "I'm quite sure there's someone in here with us," she said.

Figuring why not, Ron stepped forward, straightening the lapels of his leather jacket.

"Hello, ladies," he announced. "Is anyone here in need of Sexual Healing? Because Ron Weasley, Love Doctor, is in the house." He executed a fancy little pirouette, and when he had stopped spinning, Katie Bell was clinging onto his arm for dear life, her towel having slipped down to her waist.

"Come with me to the Prefect's Bathroom, Ron," she panted. "And I will show you my imitation of a sucking leaf-blower."

Meanwhile, as Katie Bell, after locking Angelina and Unknown Girl in the locker room because she was an evil slut who wanted Ron's virility all to herself *coughs*, dragged Ron across the Hogwarts lawn toward the Prefect bathroom, Cho Chang was wandering listlessly down the hallway.

Her head was bowed down, her hands clasped together around a rosary, chin resting against them, dressed in a black robe with a hood on, and a couple loose strands of black hair were falling in her face. Her lips moved in almost inaudible words as she appeared in a great pain that was unbearably sappy.

"I miss him so," she whispered to no one but her rosary. "I miss you, Cedric, my love, my life. I have devoted myself to you and God and will not fall in love with any man but you.

Okay, so I admit to getting jiggy with Harry last year," she said after a pause, "but since then, no one! And from now on, no one!"

She sniffed dramatically. "My vitality has been barren and cold like winter since you left, my love. My heart is frozen from the frost that took over since you left. I'm cold and frozen, Cedric!" she sobbed.

She paused suddenly, and reached into a convenient pocket in her robe, pulling out a small, pocket picture of Cedric. She let out a loud wail.

"Will it EVER be spring again, Cedric?" she cried. "Will I ever be warm again, my love?

Will this horrible chasm my heart has become ever be filled with an undying love that mirrors yours?"

She raised her face to the ceiling, clutching the picture to her heart, and huge tears rolled down her cheeks as a sudden shadow fell over her.

Then it passed as a loud noise broke her sedative state, and she looked up, irked at the disturbance, and the picture of Cedric slipped out of her hand onto the floor as she saw who'd disturbed her.

"Oh! Oh! Spring has come!" she cried suddenly.

An almost nude Ron Weasley was being dragged by his arm down the hall by a nude Katie Bell. Ron looked happy with his view from the ground.

Cho, sensing competition, tore off her robe and hat suddenly, rosary flying from her hands, revealing a bright pink, barely-there bikini.

"Ohhh, RON!" she moaned loudly. He glanced up and his eyes bulged. "Come be my summer, baby!"

Ron’s eyes widened as he took in the sight of Cho, jiggling all over in her tiny pink bikini with her rosary beads clanking incongruously down her cleavage. He glanced back and forth between Cho and Katie. Katie pouted at him. "Stop looking at her! You’re mine!"

"Come, now, there’s plenty of Ron Weasley to go around," Ron replied, and then grinned.

"This is TERRIFIC," he added happily as Cho and Katie closed in around him...

SKREEEEEECH. (The narrative grinds to a halt.)

Rex * spluttering * : But....but...the girls! They were about to get naked!

Narri (Evenly) Stuff it, Rex. I have just realized something, something huge.

Cassie; Would that be Harry’s –

Narri: No! Not that huge thing!

Alicia/Sue (wobbling on her platforms) What is it then?

Narri: What are we playing at here? I mean, all this sex, this humor, this madness....it’s so fluffy! So wrong! I think we should try our hands at something serious. Like maybe an MWPP fic, with angst and doom and stuff.

Rave: And Sirius in leather?

Narri: Fine. Angst, doom, and major chafing. You get to put talcum powder on Sirius’ itchy bits.

Rave: ALL RIGHT!!!

* * * * *

"Aargh!" wailed Sirius. "I shall go slit my own wrists for the seventeenth fanfic in a row, and as the dark mist-clouds of death roll over my vision, I realize I was never truly loved.

Oh GOD! GOD, WHY?! WHY?! A thousand points of light."

"It’s worse for me!" wailed Remus, also called Moony when the fanfic authors really want to wail on your heartstrings. "This is my curse. this is my doom. this is my cursed doom.

why, oh why, hasn't someone shot me in the head? I'M NOTHING BETTER THAN A MONSTER! no one shall ever love me! I'm doomed to be cursed forever!" *sob* *blam* "Snurfle," said Peter. *snivel* *twitch* "I'm sorry. Im so, so, so sorry. man, am I ever--yes sir! right away mister voldemort sir!--boy, do I ever regret what I--" *wipes nose* *dribbles evilly*

"Glug," said James. X_X

*Now back to our regularly scheduled madness *

There was a reason that neither Ginny nor Draco noticed the Ominous Storm Clouds rolling in over the horizon. A reason that had nothing to do with Cho's bikini. In fact, there were several reasons.

First of all, Draco was dangling off of the broomstick by his kneecaps, screaming "Wheeeeeeeee!" which did not do wonders for Ginny's concentration. Especially as she had spent the last three hours of flight aiming countless ineffectual slaps behind her and shrieking things like "Don't make me pull this broom over!" and "You take your elbows OUT OF THERE or you're never getting your mojo back!" and "No, we're NOT going to have to eat raw pigeons for breakfast," and "Where did you find STRAWBERRY JAM?!"

&c., &c. So when the wind started to blow particularly violently, and it commenced to hail and sleet and snow and rain fire and toads and generally Become Inclement, neither of the pair was even aware of the sudden change in the weather. At least until lightning struck the broom and they were thrown spinning towards the ground.

"AAAAAGH!" screamed Ginny.

"Wheeeeeeehoooooo!" screamed Draco, pounding the broomstick ecstatically.

"CRASH," said the broomstick as they went through the roof of an unidentifiable building, sending a cloud of plaster exploding into the dressing room of one Severus Snape.

Covered in white powder, severely bruised, and coughing spasmodically, it was a few moments before Ginny managed to drag herself to her feet and glance around. The room was covered in glamour shots; from every direction, a heavily made-up Professor Snape winked and blew kisses at her, showing a profusion of yellow teeth.

"eeeek," said Ginny in a very small voice, grabbing the busted broom under one arm, seizing the babbling Draco by the scruff of the neck and preparing to run out the door.

Unfortunately, they only got two feet down the corridor before they ran into an enormously fat man carting a clipboard.

"Thank God!" yelped the man. "We thought you were never going to come!" Before Ginny and Draco could protest, they were grabbed forcibly and kicked out a door into a blinding...spotlight.

*Damn it,* thought Ginny furiously, noticing the pole to the right of the stage--no, it wasn't even a stage. It was a three-foot-wide bar. *This is humiliating! I haven't had to do *this* since I was eight and Dad needed money to pay Vinny the Shark...*

Va-va-voom music began to play. Ginny attempted a grin and struck a little pose, shedding plaster all over the bar.

"And now!" screamed an announcer's voice. "With the accompaniment of 'Snape and the Mundwinkels': For your viewing pleasure, Her Sexiness Lady Lola and her...um, assistant!"

A chorus of cheers went up from the unseen audience.

Draco plopped down on the bar and mumbled to himself.

Ginny sighed resignedly and made for the pole. The spotlight, however, made it impossible for her to see two very familiar faces in the audience.

"*Ginny?!*" gasped Harry and Hermione in horrified unison.

* * * * *

"Anyway." said Katie Bell impatiently, tugging Ron down the corridor to the prefects bathroom. "So nice to see you, Cho, but me and Ron must be off."

"Wait a second!" cried Ron angrily. "My eyes have been opened- it is Cho I love."

And together they ran off to the prefects’ bathroom.

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind whistled through the cracked, heaving bosoms of the trees as Katie thrust her sorrow-soaked head through the window and out into the heavy, desolate rain. With desperation clogging her arteries, she dragged the rest of her heaving body along with it onto a sadly grey stone patio.

"Why!" she sobbed, "why must I be so filled with angst, anomie, and a number of other ailments with French-sounding names?"

. With a huge, mucus-flailing sob, she collapsed to the floor.

"RON!" yelled she, arms held wide, embracing blackness. "RON!"

"WHAT?" was the reply. "Katie, for Chrissake, I'm in the hot tub with Cho right now.

You wanna hold your whiny diatribes a minute so that I can conveniently swoop down and save you from certain suicide *without* letting my time in the blue zone of scoring run out?"

"NOOO!" moaned she, long blonde hair falling around her, plastering to her like a neo-Lady Godiva. "NOOO!"

Hermione's head popped in. "Did somebody say MOOO?"

Katie shook her head. "No, I said NOOO!"

"Oh. Right then." Hermione disappeared, probably in search of some fine dairy products.

*SCREECH!*

*The story grumbles that it has been brought to a halt by yet another bad driver.*

KATIE: Alicia/Sue! What are you doing?

CASSIE: Hey, Captain Oblivious, she's writing.

KATIE: Yes! But she's... by Jove, she's making a *joke* out of my pain and suffering!

How dare she?

ALICIA/SUE: *smacks gum* How dare I? How dare I? *stops to think* You know, I just had an AP Bio test, making me think right now isn't all that great of an idea...

KATIE: *smacks Alicia/Sue upside the head*

ALICIA/SUE: *rubbing head* Okay, bitch, you touch the hair again, there's going to be a nasty incident involving your ears, a nail file, and a high-speed blender. Got it?

*Katie and all Teenage Witches shrink back in fear of incensed alicia/sue*

RRRTTT... RRRTTT... RRRTTT... *okay, so maybe we're driving a Yugo...*

"WHY?" moaned Katie, "Why? Why must I weep and mourn forever? Would it not be better to die then to live like this?"

Suddenly, thousands of people popped up out of nowhere. "Yes!" They cried at once, and then disappeared.

"That’s it!!" sobbed Katie. "The final straw, I tell you! I shall... I shall throw myself from the highest tower!"

She waited for her knight in shining armor (Ron) to come and tell her not to, but he was to busy discovering the wonders of the prefects’ bathroom with Cho.

* * * * *

Narri: We're just not very good at writing angst, are we?

Alicia/Sue, shaking her head sadly: I guess we'll never make it into The Official Compilation of Very Important Fanfiction.

Cassie: Well, we can try.

Enter Sirius, stage left, pursued by girls: Why? Why? How could I ever have thought Moony was the traitor? Moony! My bestest friend! With whom have shared flea dip, who often let me have the last doggie treat, even if it was sausage-flavored, my favorite. Woe, I am accursed, also doomed. *suddenly jumps into the air* Hey, ladies, no pinching. My butt is sacred.

Lizzy: See, we can't even stay serious for a SECOND!

Cassie: I think we'd better just give it up, then. Besides, it's cold out here in MWPP Ficland, and there's this Feeling Of Impending Doom as well as a lot of run-on sentences containing the words "It was all my fault! WHEN WILL THIS SORROW END?" littering the landscape. Face it, this is depressing. Let's go.

Rave (wistfully) : Can I at least pinch Sirius' butt first?

All Teenage Witches (in unison) NO.

RRRTTT... RRRTTT...

*Meanwhile, back at the 3 Broomsticks... *

Ginny began to undulate around the pole to the strains of "Love Potion Number Nine" as played by Snape and The Mundwinkels, which turned out to be Snape on guitar, Sirius doing the vocals, Lupin on drums, and, most mysteriously, Percy Weasley playing the triangle.

To her gratification, she was soon pelted with Galleons by the male members of the bar, all of whom were shouting "Get your kit off, you redheaded wench!" Ginny smiled demurely as she stuffed the coins into her bustier.

The smile was soon wiped off her face as Snape sidled up to her between sets. "Hallo, Lola," he slavered. "I've always fancied redheads. Care for a shag out back?"

Ginny regarded him consideringly. "Can you hammer a six-inch nail through a board with your penis?"

Snape's face fell. "No."

"Girl's gotta have her standards," said Ginny, and stalked over to Draco, who was sitting in a puddle of his own drool, trying to get Mr. Gordo to talk.

"You're my only friend, Mr. Gordo," said Draco sadly.

Mr. Gordo stared stupidly back at him.

Draco stared into the bear's glassy eyes, and suddenly his own eyes began to glow with scary Magid-light.

Harry, sensing danger, tried to untangle himself from Hermione on the floor of the scuzzy bar, but found himself tripping over the legs of an enthusiastic cow that Hermione seemed to have produced from somewhere.

"Nooo!" shrieked Harry, whacking at the cow with his enormous broomstick. "Somebody STOP MALFOY!"

But it was too late.

There was a BOOM.

And Mr. Gordo said, in a terrifying bass voice, "DRACO? MY LOVE?"

We should have gotten out of here when our biggest problem was Ginny stripping, thought Hermione with faint irritation, reaching resignedly for her wand and pulling a whimpering Harry out from under the heifer.

"Draco. Draco, you have no need for your mojo. Look into my eyes... no need..." said Mr. Gordo.

"No...." said Draco hypnotically. "No, mojo is bad. No need my mojo..."

"Thats right..." said Mr. Gordo.

"Eekk!" said Ginny, falling dramatically into Snape's arms. "Eek, Draco is being hypnotized!"

"Shut up." said Mr. Gordo.

"Harry!" gasped Hermione. "Do something."

Harry waved his hand at the bear who blew into a million pieces.

"AAHH!" cried Draco, clutching some stuffing. "Oh, Mr. Gordo! How shall I live with out you?" he mumbled with tears rolling down his luscious cheeks. (No. Not THOSE cheeks. Where has your mind been?)

"Right." said Ginny, gingerly picking herself out of Snape´s arms and remembering her responsibility to Draco. "Harry and Hermione- me and Draco need to go to Hogwarts to get Draco's mojo back. It’s essential to the plot, such as there is one."

"We're coming." chimed in Hermione.

"Yeah, they have great sex rooms there," added Harry.

"Hey!" cried Snape and the Mundwinkles, "we want to come!"

"I forbid it!" cried a purple faced Percy, leaping up from his seat, "engaging in sexual intercourse on Hogwarts school ground is against the rules!"

"Percy..." Snape purred demurely, (Sirius nodded fervently in the background) "...I'll keep you company." at that, he sidled over to a stunned Percy, sashaying his scraggly hips from side to side. The audience booed with disgust.

Percy backed away in a hurry, "That's all right professor, I prefer straight action thanks.

All Weasleys prefer straight action you know..." he chuckled nervously, continuing backwards.

"But Percie-Poo," Snape laced his boney fingers over his scrawny chest looking very hurt, "I'm a woman!"

Percy screamed and passed out, banging his head hard against the stage.

"Darling are you all right?" Snape rushed forward and took Percy's torso into his lap, "oh, what have I done." tears splattered Percy's freckly face, "I didn't mean to frighten you..."sniff, sniff, "I...I love you Percy."

The audience gagged.

Percy's eyes fluttered open, "Who are you?" he asked, looking startled, "Who am I?"

"You're Percy Weasley, and I'm your girlfriend," Snape's lower lip trembled, "oh Percy! I thought you've died for sure!" he beamed down at the startled boy and frenched him forcefully. (Ugh)

"We should leave," Harry took Hermione's arm, together they walked out of the bar.

Sirius and the rest of the bad hurried out after them.

"Draco move it!" Ginny grabbed Draco by his collar and dragged the sobbing boy out of the door.

Draco wiggled out of her grasp and raced off weeping hysterically, "I'm coming Mr. Gordo! Wait for me!"

* * * * *

Katie Bell ran across the Hogwarts grounds towards the lake. "The fires of my heart are too much for me! Forever, I shall be denied the greatest gift of all--sex with Ron Weasley!

Ron, just ten minutes in a vat of marmalade! Is that too much to ask?"

Justin Finch-Fletchley, freezing his bum off, treaded water in the lake. He was butt naked, and Little Justin wasn't enjoying the lake either.

Katie stopped at the lake, and didn't notice Justin, as he had disappeared to play with Little Justin and was trying not to die.

Katie threw off her clothes, tying her shirt into a knot around her neck. "Hell, here I come!" she yelled, jumping into the lake. Justin's head floated above the water.

"Katie!" he yelled, swimming toward the naked, depressed Gryffindor. He lifted her head above the water. "What are you doing?"

Katie sobbed. "I was trying to kill myself...I never get any action at all! And I don't care who it is, either!"

"I'll give you that," Justin said. And from that second forward, Justin Finch-Fletchley was not gay, even though people usually make him gay in fanfic for no particular reason other than the fact that the poor guy has a hyphenated surname.

Draco, Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Snape, and Percy ran inside the Hogwarts doors.

Loud music blared as someone yelled "EVERYBODY GET YOUR ROLL ON!"

Wrappers fell on the floor, and moans of sexual satisfaction filled the castle.

"This is bad!" Draco yelled, covering his eyes. "This is bad for me!"

Suddenly Draco felt a biting on his bum. "Ouch!" He removed the evil teddy bear from his pants (who was actually destroyed a few moments ago, but the authors felt like having him back).

"Mr. Gordo!" Draco yelled. "Don't bite my butt!" Draco laughed, holding Mr. Gordo in front of his face, which his hand no longer covered. "You so silly, Mr. Gordo."

"I hear loud moans of sexual satisfaction coming from outside, too," Snape said.

"Sounds like Justin..." Harry said.

"And Katie Bell," Hermione said.

"And is that my imagination, or is Professor Sprout in on this?" Ginny asked. Harry and Hermione nodded.

"Ugh," they all said at once.

"Percy," Snape told his boyfriend, "let's go find a sex room."

And suddenly, the literary camera froze, spinning in a Matrix-like effect. It stopped, and everyone stayed still.

Out of thin air popped Rex.

Rex: Yeah! I'm at Hogwarts! Sex rooms! Cho Chang! Yay!

Rex danced around, running in a circle, until the witches appeared. Cassandra Claire held her hand out in front of Rex.

Cassandra: No, Rex. You are too young.

Rex: No!!!

Lizzy: Yes, Rex. You are far too young.

Alicia/Sue: But I'm not!

Cassandra: I'm older.

Narri: Anyway, Rex...no sex for you. You're only 13.

Rex: So?

The witches carried off Rex, who whined, kicked, screamed, and tried to pull down his pants.

And the literary camera spun around once more, and the action returned to normal.

"I hear moans of sexual satisfaction coming from the Prefect bathroom! And it's not Snape or Percy!" Hermione yelled.

"Oh, no," Mr. Gordo said aloud.

"Quick!" Ginny yelled. "To the Mojomobile!"

Having finally resolved the many miscellaneous branches-of-the-plot, the great authoresses and author decided it was time to finish off this speil.

"Great authoresses and authors my arse." snorted Ginny.

"Ahem." called Lizzy/Tygrestick, who, by means of a large and annoying plot hole popped out of nowhere, "I'll have you know that without us Teenage Witches/Wizard you would not be having sex with Draco."

That shut Ginny up.

"Now," called Cassie, pokeing her head out the plot hole, "Come on, young 'uns. Let's finish this up."

"Fine." grumble Rex, whose head was poked out just above hers.

All the Witches/Wizard disappeared.

"Anyway." said Hermione. "I believe the last words were, 'Quick! To the mojomobile!' Shall we?"

Out of yet another large plot hole came a large truck, shaped like a purple hot dog. Harry, Hermione, Ginny, (who pulled a terrified Draco in after her) Percy and Snape all hopped in, and the mojomobile zoomed off to the prefects bathroom. Ron and Cho were in the middle of... shall we say, hot monkey sex.

"Ahh!" cried Draco, covering his eyes.

"Ahh!" cried Harry, "How come you wouldn't do that with me, Cho?"

"Ahh!" cried Hermione, whacking him.

"Ahh!" cried Snape and Percy together. "We wanted to use this bathroom!"

"Ahh!" cried Ron. "Ginny... Draco... buddies..."

"Ooooo!" cried Cho. "Spring had returned in even fuller force!"

"Ron." said Ginny angrily, bearing down on Ron. "Give. Back. The. Mojo. Now."

"HAH! MAKE ME!"

"Ok." said Ginny simply as she tied him to the floor.

Hedge clippers suddenly appeared out of... you guessed it, the plot hole, into Ginny's hand.

She grabbed the mojo and hacked forcefully till it came off and made the switch.

A brilliant light shone down out of the sky, illuminating Draco with a halo-like effect.

Leather pants appeared on his body, as did a tight white t-shirt that showed off his fabulous muscle definition. His hair was caressed by an unseen wind, and in his hand appeared a long sparkling silver sword, which he lifted over his head and plunged squarely into --

"Mr. Gordo!" exclaimed Ginny in horror as the sheer blade of the sword ripped the defenseless teddy in half.

"That’s right," Draco announced, lifting the shishkebabed teddy high over his head and glancing around at the assembled crowd, all of whom had started edging towards him lustfully. "I’ve got my mojo, and baby, I’m back."

Ginny leaped into his arms. So did Hermione, Harry, Cho, and Ron, muttering "I’d be pissed off at him, but he’s just so damn sexy, I can’t do it!" Draco collapsed with everyone on top of him, and all was as it should be in the Land of Draco.

Narri: Dammit, a happy ending.

Cassie: I know. I was really hoping we might win a Golden Toad for Best Angst. Then our lives would truly be complete.

Rex: I dunno, I thought the part where the teddy bear fell into Draco’s pants and bit him was pretty moving.

Lizzy: It certainly moved Draco. Boy did he run.

Alicia/Sue *snapping her gum*: I thought the part where Draco got his mojo back was representative of the Triumph of the Human Spirit Over Incalculable Odds. Also, his butt looks great in those pants. How come real guys don’t have butts like that?

Rex: Hey!

Rave: Oh, forget the angst. Dogpile on Draco, anyone? Ten points to whoever gets to lick his thigh first.

The Teenage Witches (lunging at Draco) All right!