Draco Dexter

"Harry, I don't think we're doing this right..."

"Yes, we are," said Harry, his breath coming in gasps.

"No," said Hermione worriedly, "I don't think so.."

"Well, look, tell me what the problem is, because this sort of thing doesn't come with a manual you know."

"Well, it's just sort of lopsided."

"It is not lopsided!" snapped Harry.

"It is too lopsided!" Hermione snapped back.

The door opened and Draco came into the room just in time to catch this last remark. He raised an eyebrow. "Actually, I've seen it, Potter, and it is kind of lopsided. Nothing that couldn't be fixed with surgery..."

Harry, who had been holding Hermione up to the Christmas tree, put her down with a bang and turned to glare at Draco. "We were TALKING about the angel on top of the tree," he snarled. "We've been trying to decorate the tree, cretin."

"Oh, so that's why you had your hand jammed up Herm's skirt, my mistake. I thought you were finally getting some action."

"I get lots of action," Harry snapped, stung.

"Yeah, well, action with Inflatable Ingrid your Polysterene Pal doesn't count."

"I don't know any Inflatable Ingrid!" snapped Harry, and added, in a lower tone, "and anyway, she's got a puncture."

Hermione fortunately missed this remark because she was staring at Draco curiously. "Draco," she said, "why are you dressed like an elf?"

Draco glared at Hermione. "My mum made me. Reckons I look cute." he sneered.

"Oh!" cried Ginny, walking into the room. "Draco! You look adorable!"

Harry sniggered. "Yeah Malfoy, you're so adorable." he crooned.

At that moment, there was a very loud crash and the door banged open to reveal Sirius, Narcissa and a tall, fat man wearing only what looked like leather boxers standing there.

"BUM BA DA DUM!" cried Sirius happily "Lady's and Gentlemen, I am proud to present.... BORIS!"

There was a long silence while everyone stared at Boris, who was extremely large, although his leather shorts were extremely small. Narcissa had a long-suffering expression on her face as if she found Sirius' secret gay lover somewhat tedious.

"Say hello to Boris, everyone!" said Sirius jovially.

"Hello, Boris," everyone chorused.

Boris looked them all over, then turned to Sirius. "I like the small blond one who is dressed like an elf," he said. "Can I borrow him?"

Draco looked alarmed. "Whoa there tubby," he said. "I am Draco Malfoy and I am not for sale."

"That's not what you said last night," muttered Harry.

"I'll give you a thousand galleons if you will make love with me," said Boris.

Draco shook his head. "No deal."

"Three thousand galleons!"

Draco looked thoughtful. "For three thousand galleons I'll model my leather trousers for you. Four thousand and you get to watch me take a bath."

"Done!" Boris said with glee, clapping his hands together like a child.

"Tell me all about it!" Hermione yelled after them as they left the room. Harry goggled at Sirius and Narcissa, who were just standing there like insecure children on their first day of school.

"Harry," Hermione interrupted, with her hands on her hips. "The angel? IT IS LOPSIDED!"

"Is not!" Harry cried with rising anger.

"It is so, Harry," Narcissa crooned. "Dear Hermione knows what she sees."

"Of course!" Sirius chorused. Harry groaned.

Hermione fixed the angel and beamed at the two standing in the doorway.

Suddenly, in bounced Dobby the house elf. Dobby was dressed as Santa with a red tea-cosy and Santa hat. He beamed at the lot of them.

"Strange noises coming from Draco Malfoy's room, Harry Potter!" he squeaked...

"And I is wanting to find out what they is, Mr. Harry Potter, sir. So I is going in the room, and Mr. Potter, it was horrible... I is scarred for life..."

"Um... well, what were they doing, Dobby? Because watching Malfoy take a bath shouldn't have been to bad..." said Harry thoughtfully.

Everyone stared at him.

"Well, it WOULDN'T be!" defended Harry.

"Anyway, Mr. Potter," continued Dobby, "All I is remembering before I ran is Mr. Boris saying 'This is some pretty good sex for only 5000 galleons, my little elf lover.'"

"WHAT!" cried Sirius "I always did it for FREE and now my precious Boris had betrayed me for that Malfoy trash!" he sobbed.

"Hey!" cried Narcissa, "Thats my SON you're talking about!"

"That's *sniff* my LOVER I'm *sniff* talking about!" Sirius sobbed.

"If you haven't noticed, YOUR WHOLE FAMILY has been overly hormonal as of late, sneaking off into the four Secluded Sex Rooms to do only God knows what!" Hermione screamed, nearly at the top of her lungs. "Everyone getting all of their sexual fantasies fufilled...I STILL haven't gotten my vat of warm milk!" "Moooooo!"

"Er...Anything else, Mr. Potter, sir?" Dobby asked earnestly.

"Um...uh...Thank you, Dobby. That's enough."

Dobby left, much to everyone's relief because having a house elf in a sex fic is in gross and questionable taste. As he left, Ron entered the room. Everyone stared. Ron had apparently taken a leaf out of Draco's book and was dressed all in tight black leather, his hair stuck up in spikes, and he wore studded metal bracelets on his wrists.

Harry's eyes popped out. "Wow, Ron, when you said you were changing your look, you weren't kidding."

"I think he looks sexy," said Hermione, and all the R/H shippers did a brief, happy dance.

Harry was still staring. "Ron, are you wearing...chaps?"

Ron, meanwhile was loking furious. "How come I always have to wear the stupid clothes and I never get any proper straight action?" he ranted. "Everyone else gets to have the mad orgies, but I only ever get to have sex with Viktor Krum! And I don't even like him!"

Somewhere in Bulgaria, Viktor Krum burst into tears.

Draco and Boris chose that moment to rejoin the crowd. Boris was puffing a pipe, and Draco shirt was unbuttoned all the way. His green elf stocking were stuffed with 10-galleon notes and he was singing a happy song. "I may be a tiny Christmas elf, but I've got an enormous..."

... "package for yoooooooooouuu!" he warbled.

"Yes." agreed Boris the sailor. "Yes, you do."

Sirius burst into tears again. "Boris, I thought you loved me! I thought i was your one and only!"

"Sirius, sweety, I DO love you. But we all need time off, cupcake. I mean, what with you and this blondy..." he pointed at Narissa.

"HEY!" cried Sirius, offended "There is nothing wrong with being bi!"

"Of course not, pumpkin. But I don't see why YOU get to go off with someone else, and I don't!" argued Boris snidley.

"Simple. You're never *sniff* around! You go and sail the 7 seas and I get left behind!" Sirius choked as best he could through his tears.

"Oh, my poor presious baby-pie! I didn't know you felt that way! I'll make it up to you! And I'll never be unfaithful again!" Boris was sobbing as well now.

"Touching as this scene is" said Hemione, "I think we had better stop, the reporters will have a field day."

Several masked people holding magical camera's and notepads had filed into the room and were furiously taking notes on all the goings on.

A few were taking pictures of the lovers in question as they were speaking, while the others were muttering to themselves ('Oh, my precious baby-pie, i didn't know you felt that way. . .') and scribbling on their notepads simultaneously ((sp?)). Suddenly, one of the masked reporter's head shot up.

'I've got it!' she (well, it sounded like a she) shouted. 'How about, "Harry Potter's Godfather is Gay" for a headline??? Huh??? Huh???'

One of the other masked reporters stopped taking pictures for a moment and responded, 'Um, don't you think that's a little, well, obvious?'

'Hey! I'm not gay, I'm bi! Get it right!' Sirius shouted indignantly. 'Boris is the one who's all gay. And Snape, too, but that's not the point.'

Suddenly, who should burst into the room, but. . . (you guessed it) SNAPE!!!

"BLACK!!!!!" Snape yelled angrily.

"SNAPE!!!!!" Sirius mimicked.

* * * * *

"WHAT DO YOU ....Hold on..."

Snape then pulled out his wand and the reporters disappeared. ((sp??))

"There, now that THAT's taken care of...WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?" Snape shouted.

*whines* "Boris just ch-"

"I MEAN, What do you think you were doing telling everyone my secret? That is very personal." Snape whimpered.

"Oh COME on, Professor. We've all guessed it already. Hell, even our audience of faithful freaks guessed it." Ron replied.

"If the truth would be known, we'd all be freaks together." Sirius said.

"Where the hell did that come from?" Harry quipped.

"1920, Muggle Coney Island-The Bearded Lady." Sirius replied.

"Wait a second!" exclaimed Hermione, looking at Snape. For her expression, Harry could sense a huge "mooooooo" coming up. "You are gay? But I... I thought you found me attractive! I even thought I was pregnant with your baby! I wanted an affair with a teacher... but nobody wants me!!! MOOOOO!!!!!!"

Snape opened his mouth to reply, but no sound came out... instead all they could hear was the excited cries of the reporters, who were taking pictures from outside the house, their heads visible though the windows of the room. Apparently Snape´s spell had done nothing but get them out of the house for a limited amount of time.

"Oh dear, that is a good headline: "Harry Potter´s girlfriend expecting a baby from her gay former-Death Eater teacher!""

"She is not expecting a baby from Snape!" yelled Harry at the top of his lungs, trying to close the windows, but it was useless, as reporters had left their hiding place in the bushes and were already getting into the room.

"Then it is yours!" cried Rita Skeeter. "I knew it!!!!"

Meanwhile, Hermione continued mooing on the floor, Snape and Sirius were arguing and Boris was looking at him with unmistakable interest.

"Oh dear... now, THIS must be the weirdest Christmas ever..." he whispered.

"You have no idea, darling!" cried a voice from the door.

Just then the door swung open, and in marched a line of people all wearing death eater masks and crude imitation reindeer antlers. There were 12 of them, and they all were pulling on a piece of rope. They pulled harder and harder, and then a sleigh came up the steps and into the living room. There was a huge mound of presents, that weren't to be seen by anyone under 21 years of age, and behind those presents, sat none other than Lord Voldemort dressed up like Santa Claus. Snape fainted from shock, and the angel on the top of the tree had fallen down when the sleigh had been yanked through the door. Voldie saw Hermione mooing on the floor. "Don't cry!" he told her. "As long as you've been evil you'll get a present too. Theres plenty to go around!"

Hermione, still blubbering, blinked down at the glittery-wrapped present in her hands. "Moo?" she said.

Meanwhile, Voldemort was presenting presents to everyone. When he reached Harry, he stared strangely at him and Harry stepped back. "Potter," said Voldemort silkily. "Harry Potter."

"Yes?" squeaked Harry in a Dobby-like voice.

There was a moment of silence as every eye stared at this tense meeting. But then Voldemort burst out a proclamation that made everyone either faint and scream:

"Harry Potter," he said slowly, stepping closer to Harry so that Harry was soon pressed against the wall.

"What?" said Harry nervously.

"I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY!" screamed Voldemort suddenly, dropping all his presents and bearing down on Harry's still-with-shock form. "TAKE ME NOW!"

PLOOMP. "AAAHHH!" "OH MY GOD!"

Outside, Rita Skeeter spontaneously combusted.

One of the reports, a girl dressed in blue robes with "Polo" embroidered in tiny print on breast pocket, looked down at the small pile of ashes beside her.

"Hum," she said, shrugging, and turned back to the scene of Voldemort attempting to...er...rid Harry of his clothing. "New headline, girls!" she chirped to her fellow reporters.

"What?"

"'The Now Officially Gay Dark Lord Attempts to Hump Straight Harry Potter,'" she said triumphantly, jotting this down.

Meanwhile, Harry was edging away from Voldemort. (I'm going to kill you for bringing Voldemort into this, Narri. Gaack!) "I don't want to have sex with you," he snapped. "You killed my parents. I hate you!"

"Well," suggested Voldemort reasonably, "we could just...date."

"Oh, sure," said Harry, edging behind Ron. "Some dinner, a little dancing, who knows where it might lead..."

Voldemort had now transferred his gaze to Ron. "Are those...chaps?" he asked incredulously.

Fortunately at that moment Boris stepped between them. "'Tis I, Boris!" he exclaimed. "And if Harry Potter doesn't want to have sex with you, then I will, because you may be a gross creepy underdeveloped villain character, but you're a Magid, and they can go all night like pile drivers!"

So Voldemort and Boris pranced off together, thus getting rid of my two least favorite characters in one fell swoop.

Ron, looking furious, took off his studded metal bracelet and threw it to the floor. "That's it!" he cried. "I WANT SOME PROPER STRAIGHT ACTION AND I WANT IT NOW! COME ON LADIES! I'm ready, I'm available, and I'm mad for it!"

"Oooh, ickle Ronniekins," cooed a female voice from the door...

... or actually several female voices, as all the hooded reporters one by one started taking their hoods off, to reveal a bunch of teenage girls. (Warning: horrid upcoming self-insertion follows!)

One of them stepped forward and looked at Ron, or actually at his leather outfit. She had short brown hair and clever blue-grey eyes behind rectangular shaped glasses. But what got Ron´s attention was the fact that she was wearing an extremely tight leather outfit herself and silver jewelry.

"Wanna come with me to one of the Many Secret Secluded Sex Rooms, Ron?"

Ron was too surprised to speak.

Another girl, a redhead, stepped next to the other and looked angrily at her:

"Excuse me Starling, but I think the ONLY one who is going to a Secluded Sex Room with Ronnie is me."

"Oh, shut up Cassie! You know I love redheads!"

"I thought you liked Draco."

Starling looked confused. "Well, I do... and after all, he can go all night like a pile driver! ... hum..." she didn´t take longer than three seconds before she ran towards a terrified Draco Malfoy.

"Typical" whispered Ron bitterly "always in the spotlight..."

Starling was blocked in her progress towards Draco by the redheaded witch named Cassie. She raised herself up to her full height (alas, not very impressive) and announced, "You cannot have him, Starling! Draco is MINE! I write about him more than anybody! I am responsible for putting him in leather trousers! He belongs to ME, Cassandra Claire!"

"I hate those leather trousers, they chafe me in a very uncomfortable place," muttered Draco, but nobody was paying any attention to HIM.

Meanwhile, Cassandra Claire and Starling continued arguing over Draco.

"You may write about him... but I draw him!!!" exclaimed Starling. "Before me, you didn´t even know how Draco looked like! People say he is HOT because of my drawings, that´s how he exists in YOUR imagination... if I didn´t draw him, he would look like this in your head!" with that, Draco transformed to everybody´s horror into a huge blond pig with big grey eyes. Harry started laughing like an idiot.

"Oh dear, he looks like Dudley!"

Cassandra was furious. "You cannot do that Starling! I wrote Draco Dormiens, it is because of me that you even LIKE him in the first place! You can NOT turn MY Draco into a Dudley!"

"Sure I can, I am one of the authors of this thing!"

"Well, so am I!!!!!!" and with that, Draco returned to his original sexy appearance (leather trousers and everything).

Another reporter was entering the room. As she walked in, everyone turned to stare at her. She was wearing scarlet robes, with her sholder length brown hair tied up in a green ribbon. she was wearing little Christmas tree earings and had on huge red and green platform shoes.

"Ahem. I am Lizzy, better known as Tygrestick. I have come to settle your petty disputes." She glared around at them all, espcially Cassandra Claire and Starling. "Because it is painfully obvious that neither of you can handle having Draco, the fabulous Magid Lover, I will take him as my own!"

With that she grabbed Draco by the wrist and pulled him into the Super Sensual Secret Sex Room, only stopping to lock the door after her, so no one else could get in.

"NOOOOO!!!!!!" cried Cassandra and Starling, running after Lizzy and Draco to rescue him.

"Oh, look what you have just done!" exclaimed an angry Cassandra Claire, but Starling was too busy cursing Lizzy under her breath (sorry Lizzy) and the four of them ran out of the room.

Harry turned away from the scene of obsessive girls.

"Who'd wanna do it with Draco?" he muttered to Hermione, who was still mooing in a corner.

She rounded on him. "I WOULD!" she spat. "HE'S CUTE!"

"Yeah!" Ron bellowed with Hermione. Harry stopped to blink at his friend.

"Er-Ron?" he asked, not sure of himself. "Y-you're gay too?"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hermione wailed. "MOOO! MOOO! MOOOOOO! I liked ALL of you! Now you're GAY! Make up your minds!! MOOO!" she then ran out of the room, positively howling.

""ENOUGH OF THIS!" Snape cried. "SIRIUS! Its time for our session! Lets go!" Sirius followed Snape through the door and into another Sex room.

Harry sighed. "Deary me," he whispered.

Suddenly, the door flew open once more, unfortunately smashing Ron into the wall in the process.

"Cass? Starling? Everyone? Guys, where the hell'd you go? Come on! Why am I always late for everything?"

The person whose door push had slammed Ron into the wall was an unlikely candidate to possess such force. A short girl was looking wildly around the room, auburn hair flying and hurriedly pulling an emerald-green robe over a black turtleneck sweater, a short black skirt, and knee-high black platform boots.

"Oh, dear God, there's another?" Draco groaned. "I'm not sure I can take much more of this..."

The girl rolled her eyes. "Deal. I need a story, dammit. Rita Skeeter gets all the good scoop, Cassandra's got the ideas and voice, Starling's got the art talent, Narri's got the drama, Rosalind's got a really cool name and an affinity for Broadway, Lizzy's got an unusual way of spelling "tiger", and everyone else has something. What do I get?"

Hermione squinted. "Depends. Which one are you, again?"

"Alicia Spinnet, but you can call me Sue," she answered.

Harry backed up a few steps. "Oh... you're the one with a guttermind and a mouth to match..."

Alicia/Sue nodded. "Damn straight. Well, if y'all will excuse me, I've got to catch up with the other reporters." She spun around, opened the door (smashing poor Ron to the ground again in the process), and absconded, still trying to get her robes straight.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Really. How much of this can we take? Damn paparazzi."

Harry nodded in agreement. "Damn them and their unspellable, unpronouncable name!"

*

Meanwhile, somewhere in the mansion...

"Come on Cassie, they must be around..."

"Starling, we have checked what, fifteen Secret Secluded Sex Rooms? And no sign of Lizzy and Draco... Seriously, how many sex rooms has this place?!!!"

"Oh, come on that big, gory, dead picture of Harry must be just around the corner... there!!"

Both witches approached the door. "We are coming to save you, Draco dear!" shouted Starling, while Cassandra worked on the lock (was is Alohomora or sth like that, people? Can´t spell, sorry ;-)

They opened the door at last... but what they saw was something entirely different than what they expected...

"Erm..." said Cassie, obviously embarresed horrible. "Starling, wrong sex room."

"What?" cried Starling, "Whats in there?"

Cassie blushed furiously. "Ermm... remember, a few parts ago... Boris and Voldemort ran off... I think we found them."

"Eep!" cried Starling, as they ran down the hall to get away from the horrible images that filled their brains. "Well, umm... we'd better keep going to find Draco and Lizzy..."

*

Meanwhile, a girl with long brown hair tied into braided pigtails and dressed in black corduroys and a blue Polo shirt (what else?) ran, full-speed, into the Malfoy Manor.

"Stop!" she cried, skidding to a halt in the room. "Stop! Stop the muuuusic!"

The room, filled with swarming reporters and bemused Death Eaters and just about everyone else in the world, fell silent and looked up.

"What?" someone called.

"HA! I made it!" The girl did a jig. "I made it! Me! I'm inserting myself into this! YAY!"

"Who are *you*?" a reporter asked.

The girl puffed up her chest proudly. "I am Narrissa Cleo Patter, also known as Someone the First, also known as Amy. But you can call me Narri." She winked and bowed.

"*What* are you?"

Narri frowned, squinting her olive eyes and wrinkling her brow. "I'm...as Alicia (Sue) says...a dramatic fanfiction author."

Screams echoed hauntingly and some fainted. Another reporter followed Rita Skeeter's suit and spontaneously combusted.

"Wha--?" sputtered Narri.

"NOOOOO! Not..." someone gasped, "a FANFICTION AUTHOR!"

Many agreed with screams.

At this, Narri grinned, showing off her wonderful braces. "Yes. A fanfiction author."

"NOOOO!"

"And not just ANY!" she went on proudly. "I'm happy to say I am the one who took the job of making Harry evil, making his father a pervert, inserting cows and moos into Harry Potter land, inventing the Ron and Viktor relationship, annnnnd..." she paused, eyes twinkling, "making Voldemort GAY."

More gasps and faints.

Narri continued grinning. "Hey, you don't happen to know where my cousins are, do you? My aunt?"

Happy at the chance to rid themselves of her presence, many pointed to the wide marble staircase. "They went thata way."

"Thank you!" Narri said cheerfully, skipping on her cute blue Sketchers to the staircase and then up it.

*

Meanwhile, Alicia/Sue stood in a hallway, shuddering. "Hello? Does anyone *care* that I'm stuck in a hallway in this creepy mansion with fifteen generations of Malfoys leering at me? Let's put it this way-- Draco's lusciousness comes from a recessive gene!"

Hearing Alicia, Cassie Claire stuck her head around the side of the hallway. "I am *so* tempted to make a 'Draco's lusciousness is IN his jeans comment right now," she said, "But I'll restrain myself."

Alicia/Sue rolled her eyes. "That's right, Cass, because that's what you're famous for -- your restraint."

"Speaking of luscious Draco and his jeans," said Starling, poking her head out next to Cassie's, "we have to go rescue him from Lizzy."

"Rrrright," drawled Alicia, "because teenage boys looove to be rescued from SEX."

At that moment, Narri came skidding around the corner. "Cousins! Auntie!"

They all hugged and had a girly few minutes squealing and hitting each other with pillows and trying on lingerie and all that other stuff girls do.

"Anyway," said Starling, once the fun had died down, "we have to go rescue Draco--"

She was cut off as Draco himself streaked by, dressed in only a well-placed tube sock. Lizzy followed him in hot pursuit. He dived behind Alicia to hide. (Funnily enough, Alicia didn't seem to mind.)

"Look, wench," he snapped at Lizzy. "I am not going to do a striptease to the theme music from "Mighty Mouse" for you, no matter how much you beg me."

"Why not?" said Harry, appearing out of nowehere with Ron and Hermione in tow. "You're always happy to dress up like Batman when I ask you to."

Starling flinched. "Draco as Mighty Mouse... still dwelling... I think I'm going to have a bit of difficulty drawing *that*--"

Draco shuddered, slinking lower behind Alicia (who really didn't mind at all, and was wondering why the incredibly tall and hot Draco was trying to hide behind a girl who was five foot four in her platforms). "You *aren't* going to draw that. My mother's got plenty of pictures to keep the visualization of that adequate. Hey--hey--what are you doing?"

Alicia guiltily stopped trying to remove the well-placed tube sock. "Um, nothing."

Narri rolled her eyes. "Oh, for crying out loud, the way she's acting, you'd think he was MATT or something."

Alicia flushed brilliant red. "Shut UP!" she yelled, attacking Narri with her robe, which she had long before given up trying to fit comfortably over her sweater.

"Aaah!" Narri yelled. "Do I have to sic Lucky on you?"

The whole room paled at the thought of a run-in with the infamous cow.

"Er, no," Alicia muttered, slinking back over to Draco. "Quite enough, thanks."

Cassandra, who had remained relatively silent, perked up. "Wait a minute. Draco dresses up as Batman for Harry?"

"That's because you pay me, Potter," said Draco with a provocative leer in the direction of the Boy Who Lived. "It's like I told you, nothing says 'I love you' like dollars in the waistband.'"

Immediately, all the Teenage Witches began showering Draco with cash.

He sneered slightly. "Muggle money," he said, brushing a dollar bill off his tube sock. "You don't even get a lap dance for that."

"What do I get for ten galleons?" Hermione asked, laughing.

"You get me and Harry wrestling naked in a bowl of jell-o," said Draco promptly.

"Draco, you'd wrestle naked with Harry in a bowl of jello if I paid you in sand," said Hermione disgustedly.

"So? What's your point?" Draco snapped back

"Hmmm...... wrestling naked... thats a good idea, thanks Hermione!" cried Lizzy happily. "Draco, i'll give you 6000 galleons to... erm... "wrestle" with me in the Secrest Secluded Jello Sex Room!!"

"7000 and its a deal!" said Draco, looking happy at the prospect to so much cash, even though he was already incredibly rich, but so what?

"Fine!" cried Lizzy "Lets go!" and grabbing him by this well placed tube sock, she dragged him into the Secret Secluded Jello Sex Room.

"Oh no!" cried the other Teenage Witches "What'll we do NOW?"

* * * * *

The Teenage Witches burst into the Secret Secluded Jello Sex Room, only to find Draco and Lizzy standing there, staring in abject horror at the sight of...Ron and Sirius, who were already using the enormous, hot-tub sized bowl of jello in the center of the room for their nude frolickings (well, Ron still had his chaps on because he just isn't Ron without his chaps, now is he?)

"Ron!" cried Harry. "I thought you were desperate for some proper straight action!"

"Well, I was," admitted Ron, getting Sirius into a headlock. "But then Sirius came on to me. What can I say? He's dead sexy!!"

"Oh, dear." said Lizzy sadly. "I guess, Drakey, that we can't use this sex room." Then she perked up. "I know! We'll go to the Second Secret Secluded Jello Sex Room!" She was preparing to grab Draco yet again, when she turned and looked at the other teenage witches.

"Uh uh. Now way." said Cassandra Claire angrily. "This has gone on too long. This fighting over Draco must STOP!"

"Hmm... you're right, Cassie." said Lizzy agreeably. "I've got an idea- how about ALL of us teenage witches and draco go to the Second Secret Secluded Jello Sex Room? We can leave Ron and Sirius in peace." she said, throwing a disgusted look at them.

"So wait..." said Starling. "Are you talking about group sex with Draco?"

"Yes." said Lizzy.

"LET'S GO!" cried all the teenage witches, and they proceeded to pick up Draco, who was struggling feebly but with no success, and carry him to the Second Secret Secluded Jello Sex Room.

Bitterly, Harry kicked the wall of the First Secret Secluded Jello Sex Room. "Why does nobody ever want to have group sex with me??" he sobbed. "I'm the Boy Who Lived! I'm famous! I've got a sexy scar! Why aren't I shaggable?"

At that moment, the door burst open and two Daily Prophet wizard reporters in long green robes walked in. One of the carried a Quick-Quotes Quill, the other, a camera. "Hi, I'm Simon Branford and this is my partner, Al," announced the one on the left. "I think we've got a scoop here: Harry Potter Crises of Confidence: Nobody Wants to Shag the Boy Who Lived."

"Bugger off!" yelled Harry.

"Oooh, touched a nerve, have we?" taunted Simon. "Ooph!" he exlaimed, turned and glared at Ron. "You little red-headed git, you threw jello at me!"

Al, meanwhile was staring in fascination. "Hey, Simon, I think he's wearing....CHAPS!"

"Hey!" cried Harry happily. "Simon and Al can join me and Ron and Sirius! It'll be fun!"

Simon blinked. Al stared.

"Well... you ARE the boy who lived..." said Simon thoughfully.

"OK!" said Al happily.

Oh buggering hell, fine, I'll take up from where we left off and then Narri can continue from there.

"OK," agreed Al, then gave Simon an odd look. "I didn't know that's the way your bread was buttered, Simon."

"Well, it's not," said Simon, "I'm normally a butter-side-up only kind of guy, but you know, Sirius is dead sexy..."

The two reporters were about to jump in the jello when the door opened and Ginny strode into the room, dressed in a tight leather catsuit. (This could be interpreted as the authors either feeling guilty about leaving Ginny out, or wanting to suck up to our male readers.) "Simon!" she cried. "What do you think of my outfit? And why are you about to get in a bucket of jello with Ron and Sirius? And is Ron wearing chaps?"

Simon looked guilty. "I was not about to get in the jello!' he cried.

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever, look if anyone's interested I'll be in the Subsequent Sex Room, covered in maple syrup."

And she left.

* * * * *

A long, confusing, mind-boggling and unintelligible half-hour followed all these odd goings-on and popping-ups of Teenage Witches, but the day eventually ended with everyone, characters and authors, gathering together in one room, uniting in a cause that made the angels cry tears of joy that fell from the sky in the form of snow...snow that blanketed the barren ground and made all peaceful and happy...

SKRRRRREEEEEEEEEEET.

Narri follows Alicia's wonderful suit and skids the story to a halt.

Narri: Whoa. Did I just write that? Eurgh. That was SAPPY. Heh heh...I like it... *cackles and starts the story back up*

VRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMM.

It was in the Malfoy great room that they all gathered. It was lucky the room really was great, because there sure were a heck of a lot of people crammed in it.

They were gathered around a large Christmas tree, now, somehow, beautifully decorated, all singing their own special Christmas carol. (The author sighs happily at the image. "Ah, love! Ah, life!")

"39 bottle of beer on the wall!" sang an incredibly drunk Boris. "*Hiccup.* 39 bottles of *hiccup* beeeeer! Take one *hiccup* down and *hiccup* pass it around? Um... *hiccup* 38 bottle of beer on the wall!"

Narri, on the other hand, chose an alternative song. "This is the story of a giiiiiiirl!" she sang at the top of her lungs in a nasal voice. "Who cried a river and drowned the whole wooooorld!"

Alicia...or Sue...was singing something else. "Jingle bells, batman smells, Robin layed an egg!" she giggled, poking Cassie with her elbow (she appeared to be on sugar high). Cassie was oblivious. Rather than listen to Alicia's insanity, she decided to glare at Lizzy instead. Lizzy was smiling widely at Draco, singing and doing Britney Spears moves. "Hit me, Dracy, one more time!" she squealed, demonstrating by slapping herself on her buttocks. ((Heh heh...I'm evil...)) Across the room, Starling sat in a secluded corner, eyeing the scene playing out before her. She wrote furiously in her notebook. "Draw a picture of Lizzy being stabbed in the heart. Blood. Lots of blood." Then there was Jess, who was pointing at Harry and Hermione kissing and going, "Harry and Hermi, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage..." Erin, Cassandra, and Kira were having an entertaining catfight, although they were each fighting over someone different. They didn't know it though. Then there was Louise, in her bright pink tights, tap dancing for Sirius. "Girls just wanna have fu-un, yeah, girls justa wanna have fu-un!" she sang in an off-key voice. Of course, Sirius was hardly aware of this. He was too busy staring in envy in two different places. One was Narcissa snuggled against Dumbledore in his Santa hat by the fire. The other was a much less innocent scene (if there ever could be one): Boris and Voldemort getting down in dirty in a dark corner. But all the clamorstopped suddenly when the Christmas tree fell over and a big fat man in a red suit came down the chimney. "Ho ho ho!" he cried. Hey! How dare you call me a ho!" Narri cried.

"Ho? Ho? ME?" Alicia snipped. She took off one of her clunky shoes and threw it at Santa. He ducked and it smashed a brick in the wall to pieces.

"I am NOT a ho!" Cassie yelled.

"I am," Hermione said.

Everyone stared at her now and she bit her tongue. "I mean...um..."

"I like that in a woman," Harry told her.

She grinned stupidly.

"Ahem," said Santa nervously, setting his sack down. "Merry Christmas."

"Oooh!" cried Starling suddenly, looking up from her feverish scribbling. "Are you the chimney sweep?"

At once, every single one of the Teenage Witches looked at Santa with renewed interest.

"Er," said Santa.

"The one with the large broom?" Lizzy asked.

"Um..." said Santa, smiling apprehensively. "If that's what you want for Christmas...sure."

There was a moment on comprehending silence beforem at once, every single Teenage Witch jumped to her feet.

"HE'S MINE!" they screamed.

Santa, sensing trouble, made a dash for the door and then out it.

The witches followed in hot pursuit.

Off they ran, into the night, through the falling snow lacking sight Forgeting all the gifts they'd bought. This was what they wanted for Christmas: So Santa's broom they sought.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

* * * * *

Meanwhile, Ginny, who everyone had forgotten about, sat in the Seven Millionth Secret Secluded Sex Room, in a rapidly congealing pool of maple syrup, and sighed disconsolately. "Where are Simon and Al?" she wondered to herself. "Oh, well. I’m sure they’ll be along any minute..."