Draco Dexter

"What?" Harry gasped, turning an interesting shade of grey. "You've got to be joking."

Dudley shook his head, grinning happily. "Dearest, ever since I was a young calf, I've harbored certain feelings for you. Of course, I could never act on them, for the simple fact that you're my cousin and male and are despised by my parents--"

"Shades of Romeo and Juliet," Draco remarked dryly.

Dudley sneered. "Hey, I may be an incestuous homosexual, but at least I'm not wearing paper towels and kiddie undies."

No one could say anything to that.

"Actually, Draco, for the first time in his life, Dudley's made a point," Harry said.

"Not necessarily," Ginny added. "I mean, if he's been living under the same roof as you for sixteen years and has been having... er... fantasies, he's probably made a point before."

It took the whole room a full minute to figure out exactly what it was that Ginny had meant, at which time Ron shrieked, "Virginia Weasley! Who do you think you are?"

Ginny shrugged. "Big brother, I've been talking dirty, having romantic trysts with your worst enemy, and paying special attention to his leather-clad posterior for months now. Has it really taken you that long to realize that I'm rebelling, for crying out loud?"

"Hmm. I suppose you're right," Ron replied thoughtfully. He turned his attention back to Dudley and Harry, the latter of whose complexion had almost returned to normal. "Carry on, then."

Dudley opened his mouth, but Hermione interrupted. "I cannot believe how insensitive you people are! In the past 24 hours, I've caught my boyfriend being seduced by his stepmother, been forced to wear pink, was almost caught in coitus interruptus by my boyfriend's father, who then attempted to seduce me-- and I use the term 'seduce' loosely-- spilled my milk, watched Harry and Draco engage in some very inappropriate activities, and been made to MOO! And none of you bother to pay attention to me! Dammit, I even faked being pregnant so you'd look at me, Harry, and even that was taken away!" At this point, she burst into tears.

"Oh, Hermione, I'm so sorry--" Harry stopped. "Wait. What do you mean, you're not pregnant?"

Hermione sniffled. "Well, I'm just not sure, Harry. I mean, my mother always told me that if I spent time with a boy in just my underwear, I could get, you know..." She stood on her tiptoes and whispered in Harry's ear: "pregnant!"

"What, you mean your mother never told you the facts of life?" gasped Ginny.

Hermione glared at her. "What, and I suppose you know all there is to it, little Miss I-Love-Draco-Take-Me-to-the-Secluded-Sex-Room-and-Bury-Me-in-a-Y-Shaped-Coffin-Since-I-Can't-Keep-My-Legs-Together- Weasley!"

Harry, Ron and Draco looked hopeful that a hair-pulling catfight might break out between the girls, but at that moment Sirius came into the room. Casually tossing fat, sad, gay Dudley out the window (as we are bored with him now) he said, "I'm beginning to realize that it's about time that you all got The Talk!"

They all blanched. "Oh, not the Talk, Sirius!" whined Harry. "Look, we already know all about sex."

"Pshaw!" said Sirius, then looked startled, probably about having said something as ridiculous as "Pshaw!"

"Well, we do," said Ginny. "And we already heard all about Boris, so.."

"Leave Boris out of this!" cried Sirius, turning on her. "He's twice the man you'll ever be!"

"I should bloody well hope so," muttered Ginny.

"Look," said Sirius. "For the past two chapters, you lot have been all over each other like a pack of screaming weasels who've been specially trained by the government to jump the bones every other weasel they come across. Pawing at each other indiscriminately, it's disgusting."

"We've shown discrimination," protested Draco.

"Oh, yeah, sticking your tongue in Harry's ear, that shows masses of discrimination," sniped Ron.

"Yeah, you'd have done it if he let you," Draco flounced back.

Ron snorted. "Hah, Harry loves me, he was staring at my bare ankles in Goblet of Fire, page 272, American edition, don't you remember? I bet he has pictures of me up in his locker and he probably goes all girly and giggly when he looks at them."

Harry looked alarmed. "You're sick, Ron. And I think you're reading a tad too much into the text."

"And we don't have lockers," Ginny pointed out.

"N-E-WAY!" Sirius said loudly.

"He knows his internet lingo," Draco said in a stage-whisper to Lupin. "I'm impressed."

Sirius chose to ignore this. "I'm going to teach you about the facts of life!"

"Ooooh, I hate that show," Ginny said, wrinkling her nose. "Those actors are just plain plastic and pissy..." She paused. "Oooh, I just used assonance--"

While Ginny rambled, Sirius pulled out his handy-dandy banana. "This is a banana," said he.

"Oh, really?" Draco said smartly. He crossed his arms over his chest. "I didn't know THAT--" "This is my banana," said Sirius, tossed the banana on the floor, and jumped on it. "And this is my banana on drugs."

They all stared at him.

"Ooops," he said. "Wrong speech." He raised his voice. "Narcissa! Honey! Would you get me a banana!"

Narcissa stuck her head into the room, looking irritable. "Sirius, I told you we're not going to play that game where I'm a lonely widow and you're an itinerant fruit peddler any more --"

Sirius pouted. "Why not? I always agree to play 'traffic cop and speeding co-ed' with you!"

"Well, lets be off to the Secret Secluded Sex Room, then." said Narcissa with a resigned sigh.

"Hey!" cried Ginny. "I wanted to use that room!"

"Hey!" cried Hermione. "What about my sex talk?"

"I can't believe they're using my Sex Room." grumbled Ginny.

"Harry, dear, I guess you'll have to explain things to me," said Hermione happily.

"Never mind!" Ginny smiled evilly. "I'd rather be here. Please, Harry. Explain it for us!"

Harry turned bright red.

*

Several Hours Later

*

"So," Harry was saying. "You have this duck, and then you have this other duck, and they decide they're very much in love, and, um, they want to have little baby ducks and so... no, wait, that's not a good example. So you have this --"

Draco, who was the only person who hadn't fallen asleep out of sheer boredom, glared at Harry. "Is this a male duck and a female duck?" he inquired. "Or is this one of those touching tales about how the duckling has two mommies?"

"You're just making this more difficult," said Harry.

"Look, for God's sake, we already know all about sex. We don't need to hear you maundering on pointlessly about a bunch of gay ducks!"

"My ducks aren't gay!" protested Harry with such vehemence that Ginny woke up and stared at him.

"What are you going on about, Harry?"

Harry looked mutinous. "Hey," said Ginny. "I'm bored. What say we go spy on Narcissa and Sirius in the Secret Secluded Sex Room?"

"Ginny!" Ron said, shocked. "That's voyeurism, and you know it!"

Ginny stood up, rolling her eyes. "Oh, please. Since when have you become so high-and-mighty? What would you call that night I caught you spying on your two best friends in the throes of passion, a study in social anthropology?"

Several things happened at once: Ron turned red, Harry and Hermione gaped at Ron, Ginny smirked, and Draco remarked, "an acerbic redhead with a penchant for voyeurism. What else could I want?"

"An acerbic redhead with a penchant for voyeurism who's more than willing to traipse off to the Second Secret Secluded Sex Room with you?" Ginny suggested.

Draco thought for a moment. "Yes, that's right. Shall we?"

Ginny grinned. "Yes, I do believe we shall."

As the two left the room pawing at each other like weasels in heat, Harry turned to Ron. "You were spying on me? With my girlfriend?"

Ron reddened. "Well, er, you see... um... well, my best friends were about to score and I wanted to be there for it, for God's sake!"

"How could you do this to me, Ron?" sobbed Harry. "I can't stay here anymore! I'm off to join Draco and Ginny in the Second Secret Secluded Sex Room!" He ran off blubbering.

"Now look what you've done!" said Hermione angrily. "I wanted to seduce him in the kitchen and make love in a big vat of milk! MOO!"

"Hey, Hermione, since Harry's gone," said Ron hopefully, "I suppose we could always make love in a big vat of milk..."

Hermione, who was in the middle of an extremely long and loud moo, stopped and looked at Ron. "Okay."

Of course, Harry's ears caught this. (Magids have other talents besides... er... skill with their wands.) He was back in the kitchen in a flash.

"Nuh-uh. Nope, no way," he said, shaking his finger at Ron. "There is absolutely no way that you're making love to my girlfriend in a vat of milk. It's completely wrong." At this point, his robes turned white and a halo appeared over his head.

Ron snorted. "Oh, please. It's not as if you'll ever get up the guts to do it, you know. And the girl has an obvious desire to engage in such an act... she moos, for Chrissake!" He snickered as his robes turned red and he sprouted horns.

Hermione looked nervously between them; Harry was fiddling with his halo, and Ron was tapping the floor impatiently with his pitchfork. Suddenly, Harry threw down the halo; his robes returned to their ordinary black. "Really, Ron? Then I guess we'll just have to see." He scooped a surprised Hermione up in his arms. "Come on, Herm, let's go to the Subsequent Secret Secluded Sex Room and make love in a large vat of milk!"

Hermione looked uncertain. "Um, can it be warm milk? That always calms my nerves..."

Harry shrugged. "Whatever you want, my lactose-loving lovergirl."

"Okay!" Hermione kicked excitedly, almost knocking off Harry's glasses as they left the room, squealing like calves.

Meanwhile, Ron sat alone in the kitchen, twisting his tail in frustration. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Ron, I find it surprising that you have forgotten about me so quickly," a deeply accented voice boomed.

Ron looked up. "Vicky!'

*

Meanwhile, in the Second Secret Secluded Sex Room....

"Draco... yes... yes... yes... yes..."

*

"Yes, yes, yes..." Ginny murmured. "Draco, that's fabulous, that's absolutely wonderful, don't stop..."

"But my hands are getting tired," he complained.

"Oh, come on, just five more minutes."

"Look, Gin, I've been giving you a foot rub for fifteen minutes now. I think it's about time you do something for me."

"Well, if you wanted a foot rub, you should have said so," she complained.

"I don't want a foot rub!" he yelled, tossing her dainty foot aside with a furious gesture. "And I don't see why we're sitting around here making small talk when we could be making big love!"

"That's not very romantic," Ginny complained. "I thought you said you wrote me a poem."

"So?"

"So, recite it."

"Right now?"

Ginny fixed him with a steely gaze.

Draco sighed. "Okay. 'Ginny, my love,'" he intoned. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of dew/Your hair shines like a waterfall in the morning/Your skin is white as a tube of Elmer's glue/And those short skirts you wear make me really horny."

"'Morning' does not rhyme with 'horny,'" said Ginny coldly.

"Poetic license."

At that moment the door burst open and Harry came in, carrying Hermione in his arms....

"Oops," Harry said. "Wrong Sex Room, lets go Hermione."

"But Harry, I'm getting tired of all this walking around. I want to make love in warm milk! Just ask directions, won't you?"

"Guys never ask directions. It's an unwritten rule." said Harry contritely.

"Fine then. Draco, where is the Subsequent Secret Secluded Sex Room?"

"Take a left at the next hall. Second door to the right of that big, gory, dead picture of you, Harry. My dad put it there."

"Thanks Malfoy!" said Harry excitedly. "Lets go Hermione." He ran out the door wildly and bumped Hermione's head on the frame trying to fit through.

When they were gone, Ginny turned to Draco. "God, Draco! Why can't you carry me everywhere like that? I hate you!"

"Ginny, dear, will you make love to me if I carry you around the room three times?"

"Four and it's a deal."

Draco picked her up, only to promptly fall to the floor under her immense weight.

*

Meanwhile, in the kitchen...

"Let's begin where we left off, shall we Ronnie, dear?" said Vicky, sickeningly sweet.

"Erm.. but.. umm.. I..."

"Don't talk, love puppy. Just kiss me." said Viktor huskily. "Lets make this interesting. We can go to the Slimy Silver Secret Secluded Sex Room for a good time. I've been there before, you know. Ahh, Sirius is such a man..." And with a look of horror and a gigantic tug by Viktor, Ron is carried off to the Slimy Silver Secret Secluded Sex room. In the hallway he spots a very attractive, obviously straight girl wearing golden robes. Her hair is a strawberry blond and an oh-so-very-familiar wizard is in the room that she is entering...

Ignoring her, because she was straight and Viktor didn't like straight people at all, he yanked Ron in the Slimy Silver Secret Secluded Sex Room. "Don't be nervous, Ronnie darling. I promise you'll enjoy it!" He grinned a wide grin and advanced on Ron.

*

Meanwhile:

"God, Harry! I can't believe you took another wrong turn! I haven't seen a gory, bloody and dead picture of you at all yet! All I want is to make love in a big vat of warm milk. Is that to much to ask?" Hermione sobbed.

"No! Of course not, nothing is to much for you Hermione! I'll find the Subsequent Secret Secluded Sex Room soon, I promise!" Harry looked nervous.

"Well, you'd better, because if you don't, I'll go back to the Second Secret Secluded Sex Room and do it with Draco and Ginny."

Harry now looked very nervous.

*

Meanwhile:

"Oooh, Draco, that's the spot! Right there!" cried Ginny.

"You're really harboring a lot of tension in your back Ginny," said Draco.

"Perhaps I could stop giving you a massage and we could find ways to get rid of that tension... fun ways... like having sex..."

"RUB!" shouted Ginny, and Draco shut up and rubbed.

*

Meanwhile:

"Oooooh, Narcissa!" said Sirius happily, "Want to buy some nuts from me?"

"I will never understand why I agreed to play the lonely widow when you're the fruit peddler. This is the last time!"

"Ok, ok... now. Do you want my banana or nuts?" said Sirius eagerly. Narcissa sighed.

*

Meanwhile:

"Hermione, give it up! It's not going to happen!" Harry stopped in the middle of the hallway and dropped his girlfriend with an unceremonious *thump*.

Hermione sat on the ground, thunderstruck. "B-b-but... Harry... I-I-I want to make love in a vat of warm milk! That's all I'm asking!"

Harry looked stern. "Sometimes, Hermione, we've all got to make sacrifices, and right now, we've got to sacrifice our carnal lust in order to save my arms."

"Oh, all right," Hermione acquiesced reluctantly. "Let's go back to the-- Harry! Look!"

Harry turned in the direction that Hermione was pointing in. Sure enough, a large tapestry of Harry impaled on a sharp telephone pole was hanging right next to a door.

"Let's go!" Hermione squealed, grabbing Harry by the (exceedingly sore) arm and running to the door.

Harry grinned. "Let me do the honors." He turned the door handle, only to reveal Draco giving Ginny a back rub.

Hermione groaned. "I'm never going to get any, am I?"

Draco looked hopeful. "Well-"

"RUB!"