Draco Dexter

Draco sneaked a glance down the long hallway outside of his room. Narcissa and Sirius didn't like him wandering around the Mansion at night, as they didn't know how many of Lucius' hexes remained in place. However, Draco hadn't had anything to eat since teatime (dinner had been missed in an effort to pry his soon-to-be godfather off a terrified Hermione Granger). What's more, Sirius and Narcissa (both succeeding in efforts to make the other jealous) had left that night on a voyage to America with lust in their eyes and a promise to "be back in a few weeks." He was (somewhat) glad that the couple had made up, but now he was *hungry*. ~Oh, what the hell,~ he thought as he slipped down the hall. ~It's my mansion. The boogeyman isn't going to get me - I'm a *Malfoy*.~ Soon, he was in the kitchens and rummaging around for the fixings of a BLT. When he lit the fire to cook the bacon, however, he saw that he was not the sole resident of the room. ~Potter?~ "Potter?" With a tinge of jealousy, he saw that Harry had the remains of the last tomato in his hand and was about to consume one of the slices. With nothing but thoughts for his BLT and a resounding "Nooooooooo!" Draco full-on tackled Harry. The tomato slices went flying, one sticking to the wall and leaving a slimy, faintly pink trail as it slid downward. The overhead kitchen light went on, and Draco looked up to see an imperious Ginny Weasley standing in the stone doorway. "What is going on in here?" she demanded. "Um," said Draco, looking sheepish. "I'm...er...hungry?"

Ginny's eyes trailed from the mayonnaise on the table to the pink tomato slime on the white walls. "Is that so?"

"Um..." said Draco intelligently.

"Oh, just kiss me, Draco!" Ginny cried, grabbing him and pulling him into a surprisingly passionate and tingling kiss. "I know you want to!" she said as she broke away.

Draco, hair mussed and eyes wide and lips mouthing soundless words, stared. "Er...how'd you know that?""

Ginny grinned slyly. "The love letter from my *secret admirer*," she giggled, brandishing it. "Oh, I knew it was from you, Dracy, all alone, and now I KNOW it's you."

Draco was puzzled. "If you knew it was me all alone, then how can you just now know it was me?"

"So it WAS you."

"Huh?"

"See?" said Ginny, holding out a pink and smelly letter. "It says to meet you here tonight right now. So I did. And there you were! All primped up just for me!"

Draco looked down at his torn T-shirt and magical Captain Planet boxer shorts that sang whenever they were dirty. They started singing at that moment.

"Captain Planet, he's our hero, gonna take the pollution on these shorts down to zero!"

Draco turned pink, but Ginny seemed to find this sexy. At least, that's what she said.

"Oh! Those are so sexy!" She sidled up closer to him.

"You know, Draco, my secret admirer, I loved those letters you sent me-"

"Secret admirer?" a voice said by the kitchen door.

"Letters? But, GINNY, *I'M* the one who sent you those!"

Ginny whirled around, and Draco acquired a look resembling a cow trapped in headlights of an on-coming car.

Standing in the doorway was Professor Lupin. He was wearing tight, fitted grey pants and a violet silk shirt that matched his eyes.

"Ginny," he breathed. "Light of my life..."

Ginny looked, very confused, from Professor Lupin to Draco, who was convulsively clutching his tomato and looking stunned. He stared at Professor Lupin.

"What, are you HIGH?" he demanded.

"High on love," said Lupin, sidling closer to Ginny.

"But I thought Draco wrote me those letters!" she cried in disappointment.

Draco, still hugging his tomato to him, reminisced about his previous kiss with Ginny and bounced in,

"I did!"

Ginny looked at him with large, red, pulsating hearts in her eyes. "I knew it," she cooed.

Lupin wouldn't have it, however. "But...my darling red-head...*I* wrote you the letters!"

"But DRACY just said he did!"

Lupin glared at him. "I will fight thee then, for my love's...love."

He appeared flustered, but stalwartly yanked his sword of out the hilt at his side.

Draco blinked. "Um..."

"Come, fight, you scurvy cur!" Lupin cried, poking at Draco's torn-T-shirt-clad chest.

"Ohhh!" cried Ginny, wavy a hankie in her face. She fainted. "Ohhh, nooooo."

Draco looked down at her and then up at Lupin. "How dare you hurt my love?" he snipped, drawing a sword from his Captain Planet boxers ("We're the planeteers! You can be one too! Because cleaning these shorts is the thing to do!") and raised it to Lupin's face.

"I will fight thee!"

To Draco's amazement, Lupin turned out to be a master swordsman. He flew at Draco, slashing at him with the blade, and soon Draco's clothes were in ribbons. There wasn't a scratch on Lupin, who danced around Draco, waving his sword and singing, "I am the champion...I am the best!" until he accidentally tripped over Ginny and went sprawling on the floor, knocking his head against the grating.

Ginny sat up, blinking. "What happened?"

Draco twirled his sword modestly.

"I totally wasted Lupin! Gave him the old Malfoy smackdown."

Ginny was looking at him oddly. "You're naked," she said.

Draco looked down. She was right. Lupin had shredded his clothes and he was now clad only in a few festive Captain Planet ribbons.

"It looks good on you," she said, and batted her eyes. Suddenly she threw out her arms and exclaimed, "Come here and make love to me you pale, weedy yet strangely attractive man! I long to feel your fabulous, sinewy body pressed against mine!"

Draco was about to do her bidding when the door opened and Hermione walked in. Her eyes went from Draco's nakedness to Ginny on top of him with her shirt halfway off to Harry and Lupin's bodies lying unconscious on the floor.

"Okay, I won't ask," she said. She made her way over to the fridge with Ginny and Draco still staring at her. "You can go on. I just wanted some milk."

She opened the door and leaned in to grab some, retrieved the carton, shut the door, and begin pouring herself a glass.

Draco looked at Ginny. "Well?"

"I always wanted my first time to be in private," Ginny mouthed.

"All right!" Draco cried. "Let's go in my room!"

He picked her up and began to make his way to the door. However, their romantic interlude was blocked by the entrance of Professor Severus Snape.

"Er... Professor" exclaimed Draco, extremely aware that he was very nearly completely naked. "How...wonderful to see you... how was your trip?"

Snape's eye skimmed over Draco's nude body. His eyebrows shot up. "Very...erm...sexy."

There was the sound of breaking glass as Hermione's milk that she loved so slipped from her grasp in shock. She looked horrified. "Your trip was sexy? SEVERUS! You've been cheating on me!" she wailed, bursting into tears. "I TOLD Harry nobody liked me, but I never thought you, desperate for lovers, didn't! MOOOOOOO!"

"Lover?" Draco and Ginny sputtered simultaneously. "Hermione? You?"

"Oh, no, Hermione, my darling dear!" Snape cried, dropping his broomstick (*snorts* is it just me or does that sooo not sound right??).

"I was comment on Draco's nudeness!" exclaimed Snape, mortified. "My trip wasn't sexy! He is!"

"MOOOOO!"

"Er..." said Draco, turning pink. "Thanks..."

"Hey, he's MINE, hot stuff!" snapped Ginny, grabbing Draco in a VERY inappropriate place and dragging him, wailing in pain, out of the room. "You can take your COW girl."

"MOOOOOO!" Hermione shrieked. "MOOOOO you, Ginny!"

Draco picked up Ginny and began to make his way to the door, only to trip over Prof. Lupin's fallen body.

"Oof," said Lupin.

"Oof," said Draco.

"Dammit!" said Ginny.

Lupin sat up slowly and rubbed his temples. "Ginny! My sweet!" he cried. Scootching over to where she sat, he plucked her out of Draco's arms and perhaps not-so-accidentally placed an elbow in Draco's ribs at the same time. Ginny took a calming breath of air and immediately commenced coughing.

"WHAT is that smell?" she choked. Draco sniffed appreciatively.

"Nice," he commented. "Calvin Klein Scent for Wizards?"

Lupin smiled and nodded.

"Transfixion?" Draco asked.

Lupin grinned even wider. "Right in one."

Ginny looked a little unnerved. Hermione sipped her milk. A crackling noise came from the doorway. The four tenants of the kitchen to see Harry opening a pack of Oreos and tossing a few to Hermione.

"Thought you might want some of these," he said, gesturing towards the cookies.

Lupin's eyes widened and he lunged towards Harry with a manic glint in his eye. "Like some? I'd LOVE some!"

"I've got an idea!" cried Draco, who had managed to fashion himself a new pair of boxers out of the shreds of his old one clever combined with some paper towels, so was now no longer entirely nude.

"What?" said Lupin, who despite his slight and delicate frame, had hoovered down about sixteen Oreos in under a minute.

"Let's play poker!"

"Poker?"

"We'll play for Ginny," said Draco, looking Lupin straight in the eye.

"Whoever wins, gets to spend the night with her."

"Deal me in!" cried Hermione, who then blanched as everyone turned to stare at her. "What?"

* * * * *

The five people in the kitchen were now seated in a circle around a cluster of candles. Harry was dealing, and he looked around at the white-lipped faces of Draco, Lupin, Ginny, and Hermione.

"I'll see your ten, and raise you five," said Lupin with a raised eyebrow. Hermione let out a small snort of disappointment and threw her cards into the ring.

"Fold," she announced unhappily. Ginny breathed a small sigh of relief.

"Call," said Draco. Harry looked at Lupin and Ginny to verify that they, too, were through with the round.

"All right. Everyone, show your hand." Draco laid his cards down with a smirk.

"Three kings," he announced. Hermione began to hum a Christmas carol, but was cut off by a pointed glare from Lupin.

"Two pair," declared Ginny, casting an appraising look at Draco. Lupin, however, smiled broadly.

"Full house," he pronounced, throwing down three aces and two eights.

Ginny went white. "You're kidding me."

Draco went transparent. "You'd *better* be kidding."

Lupin shook his head happily. "No, that I am most certainly not! Come, Ginny, off to the Secluded Sex Room!"

*rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!* (sound of story coming to a screeching halt)

CASSIE CLAIRE: Wait, what the hell? There's a Secluded Sex Room in Malfoy Manor?

ALICIA/SUE: Not only is it Secluded, it's Secret!

NARRI: So it's the Secret Secluded Sex Room?

ALICIA: *nods*

ROSALIND, STARLING, AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS WRITING THIS THING: Ohhhhhhh!

ROSALIND: Now why didn't anyone tell *me* about the Secret Secluded Sex Room? *walks off grumbling*

*vroom, vroom* (story starts back up again)

"NO!" Draco shouted, knocking the table over as he stood up violently. "You *cannot* take Ginny to the... um... what the hell is it? Oh yeah... Secret Secluded Sex Room!"

Lupin crawled out from under the table, a poker chip hanging from his head. "Why not? Who's stopping me?"

Harry crawled out, the Jack of Spades covering his eye. "Yes, who is stopping you?"

"I'd like to know also." Hermione brushed peanuts out of her hair.

Draco's eyes darted around the room. "Because... ah... you see..."

"Whot Draco ees trying to say, Professor, ees that you cannot take that... *leetle girl* to zee Secret Secluded Sex Room. Eet ees *me* you vont."

Fleur Delacour strode into the room.

"It *ees* I you vont!" cried Fleur, leaping onto Lupin's lap and snuggling against his ear.

"Er," said Lupin, looking torn.

"Come on," she purred. "Would you rather have that inexperienced, forward red- headed wench, or a beautiful and highly experienced French girl to gallop up and down your --"

"Hey!" said Ginny indignantly.

Suddenly Ron, Fred and George burst into the room. "Harry, what's happening? I got this crazy scrambled message telling me to bring my brothers and I here, as someone was going to give us presents!" He eyed the gathering suspiciously. "Hey...where are the presents?" Fred and George brandished their wands and commenced shouting "Imperio!" left and right.

After several minutes of chaos, only Fred, Ron and Fleur were left standing. Everyone else had fallen to the floor with a glazed look in their eyes, including George (who had managed to hit himself with a re-bounding curse.)

Ron rushed over to Fleur, while Fred amused himself by making the rest of the rooms occupants dance around 'happy leprechaun jig' style.

"Fleur, my lady love, we came to rescue you and save your honour from that awful man!" Ron declared over Fred's obnoxiously incessant giggling.

"You stupid leetle boy! You are a nincompoop!"

The door banged open, and two *more* people entered the room. "We really should lock that thing," Draco grumbled.

Sirius and Narcissa stood in the doorway, glaring at each other hostilely.

"You're back...early." stuttered Draco nervously, aware how he must look in his crudely fashioned boxers.

"Yes." Narcissa snapped. "There was a Duchess on our luxury cruise and -"

"Aaah." said Lupin knowingly. "And Sirius got a little too friendly with her, did he? Sirius, you sly old dog!"

"No, he didn't get too friendly with the duchess, but with her POODLE!"

"Vas eet a *French* poodle?" inquired Fleur with a knowing wink.

*

Two Hours, Eleven Bags of Oreos, and a Tequila Sunrise Each Later

*

Draco, Ginny, Harry, Hermione, Lupin and Fleur crouched on the floor of the kitchen, a bottle in their midst.

"I'll start," announced Hermione, and spun the bottle. It came to a rest pointing at Draco, who leered at her coldly. "Truth or dare?" she asked him.

"You can't handle the truth!" Draco told Hermione.

"Okay, I'll take that as a vote for 'truth'."

"Yeah, so shoot."

"Remember that time you accidentally knocked Harry off his broom while you were playing Quidditch, and you gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?"

"Er, yeah," said Draco, whose leer was fading.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"What?" Draco upset his glass of Pimm's. "What? I mean, no. Of course not."

"Yeah, you did," said Ron. "Harry didn't even need mouth-to-mouth, he was perfectly fine."

"He was turning blue!" protested Draco.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Actually, I got up and was walking around before you knocked me down and --"

"Ungrateful git!" Draco snapped at him. "I saved your life!"

"You did not," said Harry, and added thoughtfully, "although afterwards, I did feel kind of pretty."

Draco blinked. "You did?"

"Didn't I just SAY I did?"

Draco smiled a goofy sort of smile.

"OKAY," said Hermione, uncomfortable with the looks her boyfriend and ex- boyfriend were sending each other. "Let's continue--"

"So...you liked the kiss?" Draco asked Harry, scootching around his knocked- over Pimms to sit closer to Harry.

"I thought it was mouth to mouth resuscitation," Ron piped in.

Draco seemed oblivious. "Did you?"

Harry seemed thoughtful. "Well...I guess...yeah, I did."

"OKAY!" said Hermione briskly. "Ron, why don't you go now--"

"Well, if I did it again, would you kiss me back?" Draco asked, fluttering his lashes flirtatiously.

Harry grinned. "I don't know... Kiss me again and find out."

"All right," said Hermione, eyes darting worriedly from Draco to Harry as Draco leaned in and pressed his lips to Harry and as Harry slipped his arms around Draco's neck and-

"OKAY!" she practically screamed. "Spin, Ron, SPIN, DAMMIT!"

Ron obediently spun, but nobody was paying attention. They were all staring at Draco and Harry, who were pawing at each other with disturbing enthusiasm.

Ron shook his head. "I always knew it," he said sagely. "They fought with each other way too much."

"Oooh, Sirius isn't going to like this," said Ginny, round-eyed.

"Oh, Sirius won't mind, he's been leaving in Brighton with a sailor named Boris for ages. Narcissa's just a beard so he can keep his Ministry job," said Lupin, craning his head to get a better look at Harry and Draco.

Fleur was looking thoughtful. "Two Magids," she said, staring at the necking couple. "Zat can be kind of --"

Bang! An explosion rocked the room as bricks started tumbling out of the fireplace. One of the knick-knacks landed on Harry's head, causing him to spring apart from Draco with a reproachful "Owwww!"

Draco looked alarmed. "Uh-oh," he said.

"Looks like our love can never be," said Harry, rubbing the lump on his head. "You'll just have to keep on fancying me rotten from a distance."

"I do not fancy you rotten," said Draco irritably. "I was just experimenting. Everyone experiments."

"I've never experimented," said Ron. "How come nobody wants to experiment with me?"

"*I* vont to experiment vith you!" boomed a voice from the doorway.

Ron and everyone else looked up. In the door stood Viktor Krum, duck-footed and unibrowed and hooked-nosed.

Except that he was smiling, not scowling, and this was such a disturbing Sight that Hermione finally fainted.

"Moo," she sighed, and PLOOMP...she was sprawled out on the floor.

"VIKKY!" Ron cried, jumping to his feet. He ran into Viktor's waiting arms.

A girl in blue jeans and a blue Polo shirt with pigtails jumped into the room. "Cow paramedics," she explained quickly, scooping Hermione up in her arms. She flashed everyone a grin. "Taking her to Lucky so he can check on her."

In a puff of blue she disappeared.

"Lucky?" Harry repeated. "Who's this Lucky...?"

"Ronnie!" Viktor cried.

"Viktor!"

"Ronnie!"

"Viktor!"

Hermione fell from the kitchen ceiling accompanied by a loud expletive.

"Oop...sorry!" came the voice of the girl in blue. Hermione turned to stride out of the kitchen in a huff, but found Harry blocking her way.

"I'm sorry, Hermione," he said, scooting over to sit beside her.

"Sorry?" she sneered. "I have to watch you playing tonsil hockey with Draco Malfoy and all you can say is sorry?"

"You should talk," he pointed out, not unreasonably. "For someone who's supposed to be my girlfriend you spend an awful lot of time with your face stuck to Malfoy's."

"Well, he's a really good kisser," said Hermione.

"Yes, he is," agreed Harry, assuming a googly-eyed expression.

"Ick!" said Hermione, and suddenly burst into tears.

"What?" demanded Harry, looking puzzled. "What? And please don't start mooing again, I really hate that. I'm um, I'm sorry I kissed Malfoy? And Narcissa. And Ron, but it was just that once, and it was just because Seamus dared me. Oh and Professor McGonagall, but I had to because she's a teacher and she has this incredible grip..."

"Oooh, she used the McGonagrip on you?" exclaimed Lupin. "Boy, was she famous for that back in school..."

"HARRY!" cried Hermione, still overwrought. "It's not that! It's me--I'm...pregnant!"

Harry started. "Huh?"

"Ooooh," said Lupin. "Go Harry."

"But--we--never..." sputtered Harry. "We never did it!"

Lupin blinked. "Then who's the father?"

All eyes turned to Hermione.

She started mooing. "It's---Mooooo!"

"It's Mooo?" Harry cried. "Who's Moooo? I'm gonna tear his liver out and string it around his HORNS!"

"No no! It's not Mooooo!" Hermione snapped. "God, Harry. It's Snape." She turned pink. "Did I just say that?" She burst into tears again.

"Snape??"

Everyone turned to stare at Hermione, even Ron and Viktor broke off whatever they were doing to gape.

"How could you?" Harry demanded, his voice cracking. "With Snape? How could you?"

"It just sort of happened..." wept Hermione, waving her arms about nebulously. "I went to ask him a question about our Potions exam, and he asked me if I wanted to see his snake, and I asked him if was going to be on the exam and he said yes and so I said okay and then--"

Harry fainted. Fleur immediately leapt upon his prone body and, perhaps inspired by Draco's example, began trying to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Hermione collapsed yet again in a large pile of lo-fat grief. "Waaaah!" she wailed.

Professor Lupin patted her head. "It's okay, Hermione..." He stopped. "Wait. You slept with Snape... Okay, never mind, I take that back. It's not okay."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ron, clutching Viktor's hand, knelt down next to his blubbering friend. "How was it?" he asked, winking at Viktor.

"Tee-hee-hee!" Viktor giggled, placing a hand over his mouth.

Hermione, face tear-streaked, looked up. "How was what?"

"How was Snape in bed?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!" Hermione shrieked.

Across the kitchen, Fleur was getting into reviving Harry. She was now sitting on top of him and attempting CPR. "Hee hee hee!" she giggled as she bounced up and down on his stomach. She leaned over and pressed her lips to his. Then jumped up and down. Lips. Up and down. "This is fun!"

Ginny watched with disgust as Fleur bounced up and down on top of the unconscious form of Harry.

"You do realise guys, that this whole thing started with lil o'l me and has, as per usual, veered off course and rolled down a hill in my opposite direction?" Her lips began to tremble. Draco leapt towards her and pressed his mouth against hers, perhaps to keep from the inevitable 'mooing' which was bound to happen sooner or later.

Ginny snorted and turned to walk out of the room, only to smack right into Dudley Dursley and cause a 7.4 as Dudley fell to the earth with a resounding *THUD*.

"I *love* you Harry!" he cried as he attempted to raise himself up from the floor.

"I was so confused, I realise that now. That's why I was always so mean t....." he drifted off, suddenly realising that Harry was unconscious and everyone was staring at him.

"Harry! You're hurt! Let me help you!" Dudley as he regained his balance. He knocked Fleur off of Harry's mouth and sent her flying across the room with a shriek. He was about to continue the mouth-to-mouth when Harry stirred and opened his eyes to see Dudley looming over him, eyes closed and lips puckered.

"Dudley?!?!?" Harry yelled. "What the hell are you *doing*???"

Dudley jumped back, surprised, but quickly regained his composure.

"Isn't it obvious, dear cousin? I have come to pledge my undying love for you," Dudley replied.