Diary of Draco

Diary of Draco

By Draco Malfoy

Wednesday 17 June

Parents woke me up at five in the morning. Said I had to clean my room. I said we had house-elves for that kind of thing.

Am now grounded for a month.

Note to self: Kill parents

Friday 19 June

Parents made up by buying me expensive presents. Am still not totally satisfied: one of the presents still had the "priced to clear" sticker on it.

Note to self: Don't kill parents. Blood is hard to clean off carpet.

Only just figured that out. Duh!

Saturday 20 June

Mother made waffles. Can tell she is sucking up. Wonder what kind of bad news she has this time. If Goyle has jammed his head in a door again...

Note to self: Get intelligent minions

Monday 21 June

Father did not come home tonight. Asked mother where he was. She sniffled and muttered something about "that damn sister of mine".

Father is an adulterer. Wonder if he is a paedophile as well?

Note to self: Sleep with door magically locked from now on.

Tuesday 22 June

Am depressed. Crabbe and Goyle expressing interest in each other. Pansy is becoming lesbian. Blaise is a trans. Father doesn't want to commit incest. Mother is...mother. Am lonely. Will probably die alone. Oh Crabbie, how could you forsake me?

Note to self: Commit suicide.

Wednesday 23 June

Have realised: Millicent is single! God loves me, me, ME!!!! Voldemort has been eyeing me strangely, too...

Note to self: how does one ask Voldie out?

Friday 25 June

Mother is behaving strangely. I asked her if I could help her, and she turned around and said: "Hop down to the chemist and get me some tampons, would you love?"

Mother is going insane. I fear for her life.

Note to self: what are tampons?

Diary of Draco

By Draco Malfoy

Entry page 2

Monday 28 June

Mother is still acting strangely. Asked her what tampons are. She blushed and sent me to my room. Why does everybody hate me? It's not fair!

Note to self: Kill God.

Tuesday 29 June

Mother is acting normally again. She made me waffles and mint tea. Mother is very nice.

Father is behaving weirdly. He keeps looking at mother's rear when she is bent over. I don't know whether or not he used to do this. Am scared. I fear for his life.

Father summoned me to his study today. He is frowning. What have I done this time? I tell him to leave me alone.

Am now grounded for a month.

Note to self: Kill father.

Wednesday 30 June

I got the dark mark today. Voldie eyed my exposed forearm strangely. He's been doing this often lately. I found myself staring at the underside of the arm he raised when he gave me the mark.

Something is happening to my brain. Damn you, Potter!

Note to self: Kill Potter. No one will miss him anyway...

Friday 2 July

Mother took me to Diagon Alley today to get my stuff. I wanted a Firebolt, but they were sold out. God hates me, me, ME!!! Mother got me lots of expensive dark magic stuff instead. I love mother, especially when she's in the shower...

What am I saying! I can't perv on my own mother! Even if she is soooo beautiful, with the sexiest legs...

Note to self: I am insane.

Saturday 3 July

As I write this, strange noises are coming from my parents' room. I think father is attacking mother, because he's grunting, and she's groaning...

He will mutilate my mother's legs! I must save her!

*Diary is put down as Draco rushes towards his parents' room and throws the door open. Screams are heard.*

*Draco returns, paler than usual.*

I can't believe what I just saw. I refuse to believe that my father still drinks breastmilk...I also refuse to believe that my mother would feed him.

Another thing: does Father always drink milk with his trousers down?

Note to self: Experiment with this new method of drinking milk.

Sunday 4 July

I have just realised something. My father was not drinking breast milk last night. He was...he was...what the hell is wrong with me? I can't even write it down. Father and Mother were having S-E-...X, just like they did on the night I came to be...ooh, not good. Don't go there. Gross mental images...