One Last Breath

Alone in Azkaban a prisoner sits and contemplates betrayal and despair. Implied slash with a twist.

My captors had refused to even leave the boat. Instead they drove me, bound hand and foot into the arms of the waiting figures on the shore and then fled. I stumbled on the jagged black pebbles and stared up at the castle as the Dementors surrounded me. They didn't touch me but I could feel their presence as a weight at the pit of my stomach. Feeling numb, I began to walk towards the castle voluntarily. I had lost so much in the past few days and I was determined to keep my dignity for as long as I could.

The chains round my ankles sounded loudly on the stone floor as they guided me down staircases and along corridors lit by dimly burning torches. It was as terrible as I had ever imagined, the cries of other prisoners echoed in my mind as I wondered how long it would take in this place of nightmares before my own voice joined them in unimaginable anguish.

A door was open before me and I took one last breath before stepping forward into the cell that was destined to be my whole world. The door closed behind me and I looked at the completely bare room. Just me and four walls for the rest of my life. I could see my namesake twinkling faintly through the small barred window.

I sunk to my knees then as complete despair caught hold of my heart and I thought only of you. The pain in my chest was physical and it felt like someone was stabbing through my soul.

I died that night. That first night spent so utterly alone. I lay curled up on the hard stone floor, shivering with a mixture of cold, fear and pain, your face dancing before my eyes, tormenting my soul and breaking my heart.

One phrase repeated over and over in my mind, almost driving me to irreparable madness.

"You hate me now because you think I killed them"

"You hate me now because you think I killed them"

"You hate me now"

"You hate me"

Sometimes the thought takes hold of me so completely that my mind shuts down and I find out why people continue to scream.

The pain is like a thousand hooks ripping into my flesh as I force myself to remember your eyes. I have to keep an image of you in my mind. I will not forget you, my love, even though you will try to forget me. The pain moves deeper as I remember our innocent seduction, years spent in fear of what the other might say, followed by the joy of realisation that despite our best efforts we had fallen in love. I had tried so hard, I thought I didn't want to fall victim to the most harsh of masters, but found it impossible to fight my own emotions.

The memory of our first touch, first caress, first kiss assaults me and I sink to the floor again, screaming in agony for the heaven I once held but can never hold again.

The image of my supposed victims flashes through my mind, and I moan with the pain of memory. Only I knew the truth about their deaths, and nobody would believe me, I was the obvious candidate for the cruel killer. Are you out there somewhere, my love? Do you believe what they told you, convinced of my terrible betrayal? I wouldn't blame you if you did... If I didn't know the truth, I think I'd believe that I'd murdered them.

I slump against the bare wall of my cell and draw my knees up to my chest, looping my manacled arms around them. I rest my head on my knees and close my eyes. The act of remembering is tiring, the pain of emotion draws all my remaining strength from my bones. The scene at the house afterwards flashes before my vision. It was terrible. I saw the green light rising above the rooftops and knew immediately what he had done. The Dark Mark signalling more death and anguish, just like all the times before. I stood for sometime, thinking of your reaction, your deep overwhelming sorrow that was to come. It wasn't fair for them of all people to be taken from you when you had already weathered so much. I used to stare into your eyes, your beautiful eyes, and see the pain of the past behind them and found that I would be willing to give my own life to lift the weight from your shoulders.

I wasn't surprised when they came for me, I had played my part in the drama and now I was to pay with my future and my heart. I had no time to explain, they just took me away from you, from all my possible apologies and sympathies, locked me up and threw away the key.

But I know I can't give up. I need to live, just as long as it will take to convince you of my innocence. I will myself to live, or at least continue until you know the truth. The irony of my supposed betrayal is not lost on me and I hope one day to earn your forgiveness as others have done. Can't you see I could never have hurt you in that way? Didn't you believe in our love enough? Two good people lie dead and I have been condemned, my constellation eclipsed.

The stars are bright tonight... are you out there, mourning the loss of your friends and wondering how you were betrayed? You will hear me again one day, my love, a Malfoy always keeps his word, Harry, and Ron and Hermione didn't die by my hand.