Deathly Memories

The three rushed back to the school to find the carnage on the former quidditch pitch, where Harry spent many days happily flying about, oblivious to what the future held. They had found only three survivors on the field and many others locked inside the castle, protected by spells from the death eaters. They had learned McGonagall had been the first killed, followed by the others. Only Snape, Sprout and Flitwick had survived, each contributing all their magic to keep the students hidden away.

Harry abandoned his tea for something stronger and reached for the bottle half filled with amber liquid on the window ledge. He took a large drink and shuddered as it burned its way down to his stomach. Dumbledore had been convinced that Harry would eventually put everything behind him and had left him alone for the many months but was starting to worry about the boy, who had once again saved the wizarding world from total destruction. The first time he had done it, it cost his parents life, the second time his friends. Dumbledore had no idea what Harry considered every night before sleeping, what he saw each night in his dreams and what he was consuming to prevent the dreams from entering his mind.

Harry played with the silver dagger in his hand and tested the blade with his thumb. It would be very quick if he did it and it would end his suffering of knowing he had been the reason his friends were dead now. They should be alive, ready to begin their lives as full wizards. Not rotting in some grave, the casualties of a pointless war.

"Should I do it?" He asked himself calmly and twisted the knife through the air, letting the silver blade sparkle in the light. "It would be very easy you know. Just a couple quick cuts and it would all be over."

He ran the blade tip along the inside of his wrist, just scoring the skin, leaving a red scratch. It left no feeling behind and he did it again, this time breaking skin. He watched the blood well up and drip down his arm to the floor. He switched hands and slowly cut the other wrist, watching as the blood puddled at the cut and drip away. Then he sunk to the floor and watched the life leak out his body, drop by drop. His eyes closed and he smiled softly. He didn't hear the door open or the swear uttered in exclamation. He could hear nothing but his own mind slowing down as he slipped slowly and blissfully away.

Harry heard music and voices and frowned. He was dead, he shouldn't hear anything at least not something like that. He groaned and hoped with all his soul that he had not become a ghost. That would mean facing his problems all over again and he hadn't wanted that when he had killed himself.

"He's waking up...."

"Harry...."

Harry opened his eyes and groaned at the bright light above them. He saw blurred shapes all around him and he wished they would go away. He didn't want anyone around him and a curse was muttered as he tried to shake off the fog surrounding his brain. The light slowly dimmed and shapes came into focus around him. He saw the frightened face of Ginny looking down at him and next to her was a relieved Fred. Mrs. Weasly stood behind the two, eyes filled with tears of happiness.

On the other side of the bed, stood Lupin, who had been elsewhere six months ago, following another lead. He looked down with relief and a smile touched his lips but his eyes were filled with worry for his favorite student. Next to Lupin stood Sirius who looked furiously but relieved at Harry. At the foot of the bed stood a somber Professor Dumbledore. He looked at Harry with questioning eyes but said nothing. Harry was surprised to see Draco Malfoy standing behind him, a little distance away from the bed but still there. He looked calmly over the entire group and caught Harry's eye before turning and leaving the room. Harry was puzzled at this but he lay back and looked around at the people around him, avoiding eyes, just looking at them. Slowly, they began to move away when Madam Pomfrey came in the room and bustled them all out. She gave Harry a potion which put him into a dreamless sleep.

Harry awoke several hours later to find Draco Malfoy sitting silently on a chair near his bed. In his hand he held a small glass ball and was casually throwing it up and catching it. Harry sat up and watched Draco continue to throw it up and catch it over and over never looking once in Harry's direction.

"Recognize this Harry? It belonged to someone you used to know." He held it tight in his hand, stilling the catch and toss game he had been playing. He looked over in Harry's direction now and searched his dull green eyes with bright silver ones. Harry looked back with an owlish expression and Draco sighed. "This is a remembrall Harry, it once belonged to Neville Longbottom before he was killed in the battle against the death eaters with so many other students. I found it in his bag, abandoned in the great hall when he joined so many others in the fight." He tossed it over to Harry, who caught it with reflexes born of years on the quidditch pitch.

Harry looked down at it and was startled to see it glow bright red. He quickly set it down as he knew what sort of memory he had forgotten. He had spent months suppressing those memories and now a simple child’s toy was going to ruin everything. He watched as the red faded away to clear, now that it no longer was touching him. Draco stood up and retrieved the remembrall from the bed and slipped it into his pocket. He then dragged his chair over next to the bed and sat back down. He looked over at Harry, who was avoiding his gaze and watched the boy who lived in one of his darkest moments.

"Why Harry, why did you feel the need to end your life?" He asked bluntly and Harry's head shot up in shock.

"You wouldn't ever understand. No one does." Harry said depressingly as he looked at the closed wounds on his wrists. He had used a magical dagger and the wounds could not be healed by magic, they had to heal naturally. It was so the person had a better chance of succeeding at his suicide.

"Maybe I do Harry. You think I never considered suicide when I was wrestling with choosing the right side in the battle for the world. You don't know how many times it crossed my mind to just give up as I watched everyone I had considered my friends fall under Voldemorts spell. I had to watch as my own mother was killed for trying to stand up to my father and his ideas." Draco looked at Harry with somber eyes. "So don't presume to tell me I wouldn't understand. You aren't the only one who lost those you loved in this battle Harry. Almost everyone loved someone who was killed and they are all still going strong, rebuilding and living for those loved ones they lost."

Harry sat silently, not speaking, ignoring Draco. Draco finally got fed up and smacked Harry across the back of his head. "Grow up Harry. You can't end you life just because you friends sacrificed theirs to save us all. Who knows, we might still be in this war if they hadn't died, causing you to seek out Voldemort’s base and to destroy him and all his followers." Draco looked impatiently at Harry who had the good conscience to look ashamed. Draco then stood up and moved to leave the room when Harry called to him.

"I really hated him at that moment when I found Ron and Hermione. I would have killed the first death eater I saw, just because he was a follower of Voldemort. I was so mad that day and depressed. I wanted to have been there so I could have maybe saved them or if not that, died with them to spare myself this pain. I know its selfish but I'm only human and they were family to me." He took a shaky breath and continued. "It hurt even more with each Weasley I found. I was surprised that any of them had even survived that massacre and now Ginny and Fred are the only ones left. The Weasleys showed me what a true family was, what love was like. I never had that with the Dursleys, ever. It made my life so filled that when they died, I lost that part of me that still contained hope. Maybe thats why I choose the cowards way out today. I lost all hope."

"Harry, it doesn’t get better. I know this because I live with my memories every day and they help me get through everything. I don't tuck them to the back of my mind, forgotten, like you seem to have. Your gonna need to dig those memories out if your gonna stay sane Harry." Draco tossed the Remembrall at Harry, who again caught it but this time held it as it glowed bright red. "Use this to help you Harry." He turned to leave the room. "And Harry, next time you even think of this, find me so I can kick your ass to remind you why your alive."

Draco left the room and Harry held the remembrall close, feeling all the forgotten memories flood his mind. They hurt a great deal but so many were happy ones, that he found himself laughing through the pain. He saw the first time he met Ron and then Hermione. He saw the day he found out he was a wizard. The day he first kissed Hermione in their fifth year after her short romance with Ron. Then he saw, Cedrics death and all his fights with Lord Voldemort, both Ron and Hermione beside him in his heart with each one. Then he jumped forward to finding their bodies and he felt the pain become so intense, he was blinded momentarily by it, but it soon passed and grew to be less.

Harry looked out the window and noticed the sun breaking through the clouds that had hung over Hogwarts for days now. And with this light, a peace also filled his soul and he smiled as other memories filled his mind. He settled back into the bed and closed his eyes, letting them play behind his eyelids like small movies. And from the door watched Draco with a smile on his face. He turned quickly away as Harry fell back asleep and walked down the hallway, his own mind filled with his own memories, both painful and happy.