Just Call Me "Mom"

Just Call Me "Mum"

Installment One: In which Draco and Harry have a discussion.

Draco, indignant: My father has NOT been here to visit. I would have seen him.

Harry, amused: Who says he was coming here to see you?

Draco, outraged: He's my father! Why else would he come to Hogwarts?

Draco watches Harry, eyes narrowed. Harry is leaning against a pillar looking very smug, a little grin on his face. Suddenly it dawns on Draco.

Draco, shocked: NO!

Harry, enjoying this: Yes, Malfoy.

Draco, looking like he's about to get sick: My father hates you!

Harry, casual: As a matter of fact, Malfoy, he'd rather see me than you. He told me so.

Draco, aghast: When?!

Harry, really enjoying this: The last time he was here...hmmm...about a week ago. In the empty broom closet after I gave him a...

Draco, eyes wide, looking really freaked: I don't want to hear it. Nononononono...I don't believe it!

Harry: You better Malfoy. Because it's true. Remember, the way your father stroked my hair back in the bookstore before second year? That's when I knew. And did you know your father has a really huge...

Draco, upset: SHUT UP!

Harry, making doe eyes and looking nostalgic: Yeah, it's true love, Malfoy. We've been discussing bedroom decor for after I get out of Hogwarts and he divorces your mom. In fact, I've even managed to convince him to fight AGAINST Voldemort; and boy does he scream loud when he....

Draco, putting hands over ears: Shutupshutupshutup!

Harry, still looking nostalgic: Good thing we know a powerful silencing spell to put on the room. I can't wait for when we can finally announce our love to the world. Broom closets are pretty cramped when you're trying to go down and...

Draco, nearly in tears, runs away screaming: AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!!

After Draco's screams die down, Ron emerges from behind the pillar, where he had been hiding.

Ron to Harry, trying not to die laughing: Think he fell for it?

Harry: I dunno, but I can't wait until he gets a letter from his father wondering what the fuck he's talking about.

Ron, grinning: Did you see his face? Especially when you started on about that true love shit.

Harry, nonchalantly: You know, Ron, broom closets are cramped, and Malfoy's dad really does scream loud when he...

Ron, interrupts, screwing up his face: You are a sick fuck Harry, a really sick fuck.

Harry just grins.

Installment Two: Wherein Draco takes the bait.

A few days later, Harry notices that Draco has gotten an owl. He elbows Ron and gestures with his fork, a piece of pancake at the end of it dripping with syrup, towards the tow headed Slytherin.

Ron, whispers: You think it's from his father?

Harry, whispers back: I hope so.

The two boys watch Malfoy closely as he anxiously rips open the letter, quickly reads it and then looks rather disgusted. He slams the letter onto the table and then looks over at Harry who grins and shrugs at him. Ron, also grinning, gives him a little wave.

Draco looks mighty pissed.

Ron: I can't believe he actually asked his father if you two were an item.

Harry: I can. Why do you think I started this at all?

Once breakfast is over and Ron and Harry head towards their Divination class, they are approached by a red-faced Malfoy.

Draco, angry: You lying bastard. I got THIS this morning.

Draco shoves a letter into Harry's face. Harry grabs the letter and starts to read. Ron, who is munching on something he pilfered from the breakfast table, reads over his shoulder. Ron snorts as he holds back a laugh.

Draco, arms crossed and looking smug himself: So, what do you say to that, Potter?

Harry, absently hands Draco back the letter: Yeah, whatever.

Ron, his mouth full: Of course he's going to deny it, Malfoy. What did you expect?

Draco, disgusted: You know?

Ron, still with food in his mouth: 'Course I do. Harry wouldn't hide something like that from me. I mean, it took me a while to get used to the idea. Him and your dad and all, but well, they seemed to have worked it out and Harry's happy so....

Draco, stabbing at the letter with a finger: You're disgusting. It's not true. He says so right here!

Harry, looking sad: Ron's right. Of course Lucius would deny it. It hurts my feelings when he has to pretend like that. Sometimes I feel he's a little ashamed of our love, but with all the stuff that's going on, and the fact I'm still in school and he's still married...well, I understand.

Ron, finally without food in his mouth: He does put on a good front though. Malfoy, your dad should have been an actor.

Draco, clenching his fists: You're both disgusting.

Ron: But it's true. And you know, with the double agent thing he's got going...

Harry, whirling on Ron: RON!!!

Ron, hands fly to mouth: Oops.

Harry, exasperated: Now you've ruined it. Good Lord, what are you thinking?

Draco, looking back and forth from Ron to Harry: What?! What?!

Harry, glancing at Draco: Nevermind. Nothing, Malfoy. Ron's just got a big mouth is all.

Draco: My father is NOT a double agent. No way.

Harry, quickly trying to change the subject: So, how's life in the Slytherin Common Room these days? Pansy still after your arse?

Draco, sneering: As if you'd know about anyone's arse, Potter.

Harry, looking dreamy: Well, you know, your dad has this birthmark in the shape of a little bunny on his...

Draco, screaming: SHUT UP!

Harry: It's really rather cute.

Draco, determined: He does not!

Harry, looking indignant: He does so! I've seen it. Up close. When his muscles move, the ears twitch.

Ron starts to laugh.

Draco, turning red and yelling: Look, Potter, you're a sick bastard! You are not shagging my father and he is not in love with you!

Several students look over at the three boys. Ron's in hysterics, he's laughing so hard.

Harry, glancing around and shaking his hands at Draco: Shut up, will you. Nobody's supposed to know. Good Lord, Malfoy, you're gonna blow his cover and I really don't want to see Lucius' arse dragged in here for doing unspeakable things with a student.

Draco, still red: I hate you, Potter. I so hate you.

Harry: You better get used to me being around, Malfoy. When all this is over, your dad and I are going to go public. [Harry sighs.] And we were so hoping you'd eventually come around. I know this isn't easy but...really, it's not that weird. Your dad told me stories about his love affairs back when he was in school. You know, Snape...it was probably the only time Snape got shagged by anyone!

Draco, through clenched teeth: My father has not shagged Professor Snape.

Harry: Right, and I'm not shagging him now. C'mon Draco, your dad loves your mum, really, but well, he's more in love with me and we just get on really well. Just accept it and go with it. Oh, and when we finally make it permanent, you don't have to call me "mum". Now that would just be too weird.

Draco in total disgust, throws the letter at Harry's feet and storms off. Ron is rolling on the ground in tears. Harry gives him a little playful kick.

Harry, trying not to laugh himself: You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?

Ron is too busy laughing to respond.

Harry, grinning: I think he does believe us, you know. Mind you, you almost blew it with the double agent thing. But well, it is possible. I mean, if Snape can turn...

Ron finally settles down and gets up.

Ron: I think the bunny birthmark is what did it. I just couldn't hold back any more.

Harry: Still, I wonder how long we can keep this up before real trouble begins?

Ron: Oh a few months at least. If we play it really well, we might be able to drag this one out until the end of the year.

Installment Three: In which the boys get help

Ron and Harry are sitting in the Gryffindor common room about a week later, bottles of ink, quills and parchment all over one of the table, including the letter Lucius sent Draco which Harry had picked up from their last encounter. Ron's hands are stained from the ink and Harry is looking at a number of photos. Fred and George, who are both visiting Hogwarts, are sitting with them.

Ron, sighs: We're going through a lot of trouble just to torture Malfoy.

George, in a reassuring voice: But this is brilliant. And a really good torture takes a lot of hard work and planning.

Fred, sagely: Yeah, we'd know.

Harry, encouraging: So just keep on writing, Ron. You're almost there.

Fred, looking over at the parchment Ron is writing on: Wow, you almost got it perfectly. It still looks forged though. A few more times and you should have it.

Ron, starts writing again: My hand is cramped.

Fred: You're almost there. [Then with fake tears in his eyes.] I'm so proud of you, my own baby brother!

George, taking up the praise: Yes, following in our footsteps. Like a chip of the twin block.

Ron, not looking up from his parchment: You left off "heads" after the word "block".

Harry, laughing: Besides, he's the baby brother who's a lot taller than you are.

Fred, shrugs: Yeah, well, he can't be perfect.

George to Harry: So, what photo are you going to use?

Harry, looking at the photos in his hands: I'm not sure yet. My God, Malfoy's old man sure is a poncy twit.

George: Those photos look too old anyway. What, Lucius has to be about what, 30 in them? He's way older than that.

Ron: Yeah, I think he's like 38 or something like that. Really old.

Harry: Well, Malfoy is a politician, right? I mean, in the Muggle world, politicians and lawyers never use current photos of themselves, and he is supposed to be trying to show me his best side, so to speak. I mean, you don't want your "lover" to see you all old and wrinkly.

Ron, making a face: Ew, just hearing you say that makes me not want to eat for a week.

Fred, or is it George: For a month even.

George, or is it Fred: I'm going for a year.

Harry sticks his tongue out at them all.

Ron, teasing: Reserve that for Lucius, Harry. Remember, you're in looooooove. [He makes doe eyes at Harry.]

Harry: Hey, to even make it more convincing, I've even started a journal. Heh. I'm going to let Malfoy find it eventually. I need to make up more entries to put in it. I hope he doesn't have a clue what gay men do alone together, because I'm just making things up.

Ron: Knowing Malfoy, I bet he knows more than any gay man would want to even know.

Fred: Which Malfoy?

Ron swats Fred.

Hermione walks into the common room, notices the mess on the table where Ron, Harry, Fred and George are sitting and immediately knows something is amiss. She walks up, puts her books on the table and says: What are you four up to now?

The four boys look up at her...without even blinking Ron says: Torturing Malfoy.

Hermione, rolls eyes: What else is new?

Fred to Harry: You haven't told her, have you?

Harry to Fred: No. You'll see why in a minute.

Hermione: Tell me what?

Ron, who has gone back to writing: Lucius Malfoy and Harry are in love and Harry decided to tell Draco.

Hermione: WHAT??? And you didn't tell me?!

Harry: No.

Hermione, quickly sitting down and looking a bit too interested: C'mon, spill. Is it true? What did Draco say?

Harry, rolls eyes: You are such a fag hag, Herm. Of course it's NOT true. We're just having some fun with Malfoy. Both of them.

Hermione, pouting: Or maybe it is true and you just don't want me to know.

Ron: Yeah, you got it Hermione. Well, what do you think now? I think it's convincing enough!

Ron holds up a parchment for everyone to see. He picks up the Lucius written one and holds it up for comparison.

Harry, impressed: Wow, Ron, that's brilliant. You've got it bang on.

Fred and George nod in agreement.

Ron: So, which picture are you going to use?

Harry: Maybe Hermione can help with this one. Which picture of Lucius Malfoy do you like the best?

Hermione takes the pictures. She shuffles through them and then says, rather disgusted: My God, Lucius Malfoy is a poncy twit. How can his wife stand him?

Ron: Better yet, how can Harry stand him?

Harry: It's true love, remember, I don't notice stuff like that.

Hermione, holding up a photo: I like this one the best, he's actually quite photogenic but it's obvious he knows it. What are you going to do with it?

Harry: Write "To my Darling Harry, Until we meet again to express our love, Lucius." on it.

Hermione does a great impression of a doe in the headlights.

Hermione: Why?

Harry, looking pleased with himself: So I can have Draco find it and really be freaked.

Hermione: That is the stupidest thing I've heard. Not to mention mean.

Ron: See, that's why we don't tell her these things. She gets all sanctimonious on us about it.

Harry: What? What's so stupid and mean. It's brilliant. I thought you'd approve of torturing Draco.

Hermione, looking at Harry as if he's a simpleton: Of course torturing Draco is brilliant, making Lucius Malfoy write that dribble is stupid and mean. He'd never do that. He'd write "To my darling Harry. Love, Lucius".

Ron: How'd you know that?

Hermione: I pay attention during parent/teacher nights.

Fred: I'm with the girl. Write that on the photo.

Harry: Okay, And don't mess it up Ron, I've had a hard enough time getting around Colin to have these photos copied from the one's you stole from Malfoy's room. You got them back okay, did you?

Ron, rolling eyes: Barely. Never again will I let you convince me to polyform into Pansy Parkinson. I almost got jumped the last time. Nothing is worse than a room full of horny Slytherins and a skanky Pansy. Ugh.

Fred: Well, at least you would have gotten SOME action. And just think, you'd have found out what it was like to have sex AS a girl.

Ron: I'd rather find out what it was like to have sex WITH a girl.

Everyone just stares at Ron.

Fred: Hermione not putting out, is she? You are such a loser, Ron.

Hermione swats Fred.

Ron writes on the photo and the proudly displays it to everyone. It's perfect. Since more students are starting to come into the room, the boys and Hermione quickly clean up and Ron absently wipes his hands on his pants.

Ron: Oops.

Hermione: The house elves are going to so hate you Ron.

Ron: They already do.

George: Don't worry about it. They have to clean his bedsheets every day so a bit of ink isn't going to put them off.

Installment Four: In which the journal gets started

"October 15: Lucius Malfoy was walking in the back of Hogwarts today. In my curiosity to find out what he was up to, as he certainly was up to no good, I followed him, trying to keep close, but not so close so he would see me. After all, I didn't have the invisibility cloak. Damn Malfoy's father!

Anyway...I followed him into the Forbidden Forest. I wasn't at all concerned about going in. I doubted he was going in far and he was very likely meeting one of his Death Eater mates in secret to plot evil and mayhem. Well, I had to hang back a bit because otherwise he'd know I was following him, but soon I lost him in the twists and turns of the forest path. I came to a clearing and was pretty upset that he was nowhere to be seen, when from behind, my mouth was covered and a soft voice said in my ear, 'Don't yell or you will not be happy with what I'll do to you.'

Nuts! Caught in the act.

Lucius released me from his grip, for it was Lucius who grabbed me, but the oddest thing... he didn't just let me go, he sort of caressed my cheek and traced my jawline... gently. It was weird. It sent shivers down my spine... good shivers..."

Harry to Hermione looking disgusted: I am not writing that tripe. Good Lord, Hermione, no boy in his right mind would write that!

Hermione to Harry: Why not?

Harry, looking at the paper and making a face: Because, we just don't. It's too...girlish. Girls write this stuff. It sounds like one of those bad romance novels my aunt reads.

Hermione, indignant: Hey! I like those romance novels.

Harry: You like gay romance novels.

Hermoine: Yeah, and they write stuff like that in them.

Harry, being stubborn: Forget it, I'm 16 years old. I'm not writing how Lucius Malfoy's gentle caress on my cheek made me all gooey. Forget it. Not going there.

Hermione, annoyed: Fine then. Write it your way. See if I care.

Harry, satisfied: Good. This is what I'd write: "Followed Lucius Malfoy into Forbidden Forest. He caught me at it. Told me he loved me and wanted me to be his boyfriend. I said sure. We shagged. It was great."

Hermione, disgruntled: Boys are so stupid. That's not very convincing at all.

Harry, smug: It'll convince Draco. That's all that matters.

Hermione: You're no fun at all.

Harry: And you're such a fag hag.

Installment Five - Wherein the plot thickens

Harry and Hermione are sitting in an empty classroom with sheaves of parchment full of writing. Harry is scribbling away while Hermione is coaching him on what to write.

Harry, looking a bit surprised: How the hell do you KNOW these things, Hermione? I mean, I didn't know guys could do these things together. Wow!

Hermione, looking a bit embarassed: Well, um, I read a lot, okay.

Harry: You managed to get into Snape's mysterious porno collection, didn't you?

Hermione, looking sly: I'll never tell.

Harry: Snape, into gay porn. Who'da thunk it?

Hermione: There's a lot we don't know about Snape. But I'm determined to find out.

Harry: Hermione, you are such a fag hag. You never cared a hoot about Snape until you found out about that stupid porn collection.

Harry goes back to writing. Ron enters the empty classroom.

Ron, with a final note to his voice: Well, the twins are off. I gave them everything. How's the journal coming Harry?

Harry, still writing: Pretty good. You wouldn't believe the shit Hermione's making me write here.

Ron: I believe it, trust me, I totally believe it.

Hermione throws a ruined, crumpled up parchment at Ron. Ron ducks as it sails over his head.

Harry, looking up: So, you think the twins can pull this off?

Ron: If anyone can, they will be able to. Let's just hope Malfoy takes the bait.

Harry, grinning wickedly: Oh, he will. I'm sure of it. I can't wait to see his face when he sees that package.

Hermione to Harry: You know, eventually he will figure out that it's all not true.

Harry: Of course, that's the whole point. After we have this bit of fun, and he finds out it was all a lie, we can laugh at him for falling for it.

Hermione, looking wistful: Too bad it's not true. It would be so romantic. You and Lucius Malfoy...in love...planning a life together...him helping us instead of being a devoted Death Eater. [Hermione sighs.] It's such a shame we're making this all up.

Ron, looking incredulous: She means that too. Oh my God, she means that!

Hermione, coming back to earth: Well, Lucius Malfoy is a very handsome man. Even if he is a vain jerk. And evil. But people can change. If Snape can turn...

Harry, looking disgusted: I'm not even going there, Hermione. You're sick, you know that?

Hermione, looking outraged: Hey, YOU were the one who came up with the idea that Lucius and you were having some sort of torrid affair. Who's the sicko here now, hey, Harry?

Ron, nodding: She's got a point, Harry.

Harry, speaking as if he's talking to very stupid people: I picked Lucius because it's Malfoy's father and Malfoy's still in that "My father is a god" phase that every one else got over years ago. It makes sense. It's not like I really want to have an affair with someone as slimy as Malfoy's father. I don't even like men that way...or boys. I'm into girls, okay.

Hermione: Maybe, Harry, you're in denial.

Harry: What?!

Hermione: Yes, in denial. It makes sense. You didn't have a strong father figure and Draco has one. You'd of course gravitate towards...

Ron, laughing: Oh please, Hermione, you just want Harry to be gay so you can watch him have sex.

Hermione: I do not!

Ron, still laughing: Sure you do, you keep asking me if I'd have sex with a boy while you watched. You are so weird.

Harry breathes a sigh of relief and says: Well, I'm done journaling for today. I think I learned more than I bargained for anyway. So, how about we put all these papers together and put them back in the folder. I can write more later. Then we can try and figure out how Malfoy will find it and get more than HE bargained for.

Hermione, looking disappointed: What? Wait. I had another idea you could use.

Harry, in a bored voice: Does it involve lube?

Hermione, blushing: Well, yes.

Harry: Forget it. I'm sure I'm sore by now. Sheesh, Hermione, give it a rest will you. You'll have plenty more chances to come up with stuff that gets you off. My hands are cramped anyway and not because I've been having fun...I'm having more fun on paper than I ever thought I could.

Hermione, recovering: Oh come on, Harry. You're not even turned on a little bit?

Harry, blushing: Er...no.

Ron, pointing a finger and laughing: Liar.

Hermione, looking smug: Admit it, Harry, you're turned on.

Harry, blushes deeper and mutters something no one can make out.

Ron: It's okay, Harry. Hell, when she reads out stuff form Snape's porn collection to me, I get horny too. We're teenage boys. We're allowed. And besides, she's right, Malfoy's dad is a good-looking guy. You coulda done worse. Coulda been Snape.

Harry shoots Ron a Look that makes Ron just grin at him. The three clean up the parchment and ink and quills, putting everything carefully back into bags to take back to the Gryffindor Tower.

Hermione, as they leave the classroom, and sounding hopeful: So, would you consider having sex with each other while I watch? I mean, now that we got all of that aired out. It won't mean you're gay. You'd just be experimenting.

Ron and Harry, rolling their eyes: No, Hermione.

Hermione: Nuts! Oh well, you can' t blame me for trying.

Installment Six - Wherein Draco finds out the "truth" about his father and Harry

The next morning, at breakfast, Ron, Harry and Hermione all decide to sit on the side of the Gryffindor table that faces the Slytherin table and, lucky enough, Draco Malfoy. They try not to peer anxiously at the boy as he speaks to his friends and eats his breakfast.

Hermione, whispers fiercely: You two stop that! He's going to know something's up if you keep looking over at him like that.

Ron: I can't help it. We need a distraction.

Hermione grins and reaches into her bag. She hauls out a magazine and keeps it under the table above her lap.

Hermione, secretive: Here's a distraction.

Harry, glancing over and nearly choking on his pancakes: Hermione! Good Lord, put that away! How'd you get that...no wait, I don't want to know, but if Snape catches you with it...

Hermione: He won't catch me with it. Besides, it's not his.

Ron: Now I definitely don't want to know where or how you got that. Oh wait, it's a Muggle magazine. The pictures aren't moving.

Harry: You mean the pictures move in Wizarding porn?

Ron: Of course they do. And some of them even have sound.

Harry does good impression of deer in headlights.

Ron, smiling broadly: You really have led a sheltered life, haven't you, Harry? Your cousin hasn't even smuggled dirty Muggle magazines in your house?

Harry, looking put off: Dudley's idea of a dirty magazine is "Chocolate Lovers Monthly".

Hermione: Mmmmmm...chocolate.

Ron: Uh oh, she's getting that look again. I better warn the other guys. She has this thing about chocolate covered boys licking it off each other.

Harry, disgusted: Why am I not surprised? Besides, really, Hermione, you DON'T want to see a naked Dudley covered in chocolate. Oh no, now I can't get that image out of my head!

Ron, equally disgusted: Neither can I! Thanks a lot, Harry.

Harry, grinning: Always willing to share the love, Ron.

Suddenly, the room is full of owls delivering packages to various students. Ron's little owl, Pigwidgeon, plops down in front of him with a little note tied to his ankle. Ron quickly unties it, unrolls it and reads it.

Ron, excitedly: Fred and George say they were successful.

Harry, delighted: Now we're in for some real fun.

Hermione plays look out while Ron and Harry appear busy over the little letter Pig has delivered. Hermione notices that the Malfoy family owl has landed with Draco's usual daily package of whatever his mother has sent him and another package tied to its leg. Draco, having grabbed the owl before it could take off again, is looking rather surprised and pale at the package still tied to its leg and then glances over at the Gryffindor table, in Harry and Ron's direction. He then unties the package and, glancing around (looking terribly guilty, Hermione thinks), he slowly opens it.

Hermione, elbowing Harry: He's got it open. I'm sure it's your letter.

Ron, paying more attention to Draco's actions: He's a little slimy thing, isn't he? Opening other people's mail.

Harry: Well, that was the plan.

Hermione, wistfully: You know, Harry, Draco's pale skin would look so nice against your...

Harry, exasperated: Hermione, would you PLEASE give it a rest. I'd rather shag Dobby than even touch Malfoy.

Hermione, indignant: A girl can dream, can't she?

Harry: Why can't you dream about boys like other girls do? You're the only one who thinks two boys together is sexy!

Ron, in a tired voice: Nah, Ginny thinks the same thing. She thinks you and Malfoy would be cute together too.

Hermione: See! And come to think of it, Ron, you'd look pretty good next to Drac...

Ron, sternly and pointing a finger at the girl: Hermione, what did I say about going there?

Hermione, chastised: Right, sorry, Ron.

Harry, shaking his head: You two are the weirdest couple.

Suddenly, there is a commotion at the Slytherin table. Harry, Ron and Hermione are suddenly fixated on what is going on there and it's all they can do to keep from bursting out laughing.

Draco has stood up with a yell, knocking over his chair, and is very pale with red cheeks, he is so angry. He looks over at the Gryffindor table right at Harry who is trying very hard to look puzzled. The blond boy then grabs his things and storms out of the hall with everyone's eyes following him. Harry notices what looks like the letter and picture that they had put together earlier is crushed in Draco's hand.

Harry, looking satisfied: Well, I think we can say that was even better than we hoped for.

Ron, impressed: That was some reaction. Think he'll corner you in the halls?

Harry, nods: I'm banking on it. Then I can tell him off for opening up other people's mail. Life is certainly sweet.

Hermione: Can I watch?

Ron and Harry, looking like they're in pain: Yes, Hermione.

Installment Seven: Whereby Draco confronts Harry and Snape creates a snag

After breakfast, Ron, Hermione and Harry head towards their classes. As they turn one corner, before they can part ways, Draco Malfoy appears very red faced and shaking, he is trying so hard to contain himself.

Harry, looking bored at Draco: You want something, Malfoy?

Draco, through clenched teeth: I want to talk to you alone.

Harry, glancing at Ron and Hermione: Anything you have to say, Malfoy, can be said in front of my friends.

Draco, still containing himself: Not this.

Harry, crossing his arms: Everything, Malfoy. They know everything.

Draco, at Hermione: You know too?!

Hermione nods.

Harry, grinning: She even gets to watch sometimes.

Draco: WHAT?! That is not true. My father would never let anyone watch...no, wait...that's not true either...BUT HE WOULDN'T LET SOME MUDBLOOD WATCH HIM...!!

Draco trails off, he's shaking with rage. Hermione grins and says: And he's got a cute little bunny birthmark on his bum, you know. Your father has. When he's all excited and is about ready to pop off, the ears twitch.

Draco, covering his ears with his hands: I don't want to know that!

Harry, bored: Anyway, Malfoy, what is it you want to talk to me about.

Draco considers the threesome for a moment. He looks unsure. He really wants to talk to Harry alone about things. Then...

Draco, resigned: This.

Draco holds out the shmooshed papers he had in his hands. One is a photo of a younger Lucius Malfoy with endearments written on it to Harry and an accompanying letter, really courtesy of Ron, but of course, Draco doesn't know that.

Harry takes the stuff out of Draco's hands. He looks over it quickly.

Harry, trying to look upset: Where did you get this?

Draco: It came with the Morning Owl.

Harry: This is mine! You opened my mail!

Draco: Well, I had to. It was on my family owl.

Harry, acting really angry: So, you could have let it come to me! You slimy git, you opened my mail! This is very private.

Draco: Oh, no more private than, THAT [he gestures to Hermione] watching you and my father going at it.

Harry: That's none of your business.

Hermione, getting into it: You should hear your father, Draco. We have to put a double silencing charm in the room.

Draco, to Hermione, very redfaced: SHUT UP!

Ron: Hey, I won't have you talking to my girlfriend like that, Malfoy. You better watch it. I might just kick your arrrrrrr...

Ron's eyes go very wide over Draco's shoulder. Hermione and Harry, both who had been too focussed on the blond boy to notice look at Ron and then follow his eyes. Behind Draco Snape is standing with arms crossed. He looks rather unimpressed with the scene before him.

Harry, stuttering: Uh, Professor Snape!

Snape, in a droll voice: Shouldn't you three be in class?

Harry, shoving the picture and the letter into his robes: Um, Draco...here...he...um...

Snape: Yes?

Draco: Nothing sir. Um, Potter here saw me leave the breakfast hall and wanted to make sure I was all right. You know, goody Gryffindork and all. Anyway, just got some bad news at home. Dog died. I was upset. Nothing else really the matter. Heh.

Snape peers at Draco, looking concerned. He also notices that Harry, Ron and Hermione are nodding in agreement with Draco's statement.

Harry, pretending to be concerned: Yes, sir, we were worried about Malfoy. He looked pretty upset.

Snape: Really now?

Ron: Yup. He seems okay now though. We gotta go. Bye.

Ron turns and bolts down the hall, leaving Harry, Draco and Hermione in his wake.

Hermione: What a loser, I haven't a clue what I see in him.

Draco: Yeah, I've been wondering that myself.

Snape: Granger, I want to see you in my office when classes are over for the day. There is something I wish to discuss with you.

Harry gives Hermione a fleeting worried glance. Hermione does her impression of a doe in the headlights.

Hermione, voice shaking: Yes, sir.

Snape: Good, now, get to class before I start taking off points. Malfoy, please come with me. I'm rather concerned about your actions this morning. I'd like to hear more about this "dead dog" incident. I never knew your family had dogs. I always thought they preferred cats.

Draco mouths the word "shit" as Harry and Hermione hurry off to their respective classes. Harry would give much to know what Draco comes up with to explain that one away.

This keeps getting better and better, Harry thinks to himself.

Hermione, although very worried about her meeting with Snape, thinks, Yay, Harry let me watch!

Well, at least in theory, but Hermione has a good imagination and she has let it carry her through the day.

Installment Eight: In which Draco gets the evidence

Ron and Harry enter the library. Harry is carrying a rather large book which looks almost hand made. It's also fairly thick.

The two Gryffindors quietly walk towards the tables where various students are busy working on assignments and studying. The two boys inspect the tables appearing to look for something, or someone, in particular.

Ron suddenly elbows Harry and points to a couple of empty, but obviously taken seats.

Ron, whispers: There's Malfoy's book bag. Wonder who the other one is there.

Harry, glancing over: Dunno, but let's set up shop. See if you can spot him.

Ron, looks miffed: Why me?

Harry, holding up large book: Because, I have to put this right where Malfoy will find it, and I have to make it look like I didn't just place it there for him to find. So, get going.

Ron, mumbles as he shambles off: Why do I get the shitty end of the stick?

Harry sets up his books in a seat near Draco Malfoy's area and soon Ron comes back, looking like he's ready to be sick.

Harry, concerned: Are you okay, Ron?

Ron, looking mighty green: You know that cute red-head, the one Seamus really wants to snog so badly he can't stand it?

Harry: Yeah. Cassie, I think her name is. She's a Ravenclaw.

Ron: Yeah, that one. Well, I just caught Malfoy slipping her the forked tongue back there. He's copping a feel too, pig.

Harry: Just don't tell Seamus, 'kay, Ron. He'll be really upset. He likes her a lot.

Suddenly a voice says: Tell me what?

Harry and Ron do good impressions of deer in headlights they turn to face Seamus Finnigan.

Ron, turning red: Erm, nothing Seamus. Nothing. Really. Just well, nothing.

Harry smacks a palm to his head: Ron!

Ron, turns on Harry: What?!

Seamus, insistent: Tell me what?

Harry sighs: Malfoy is snogging your one true love. Now sit down and just wait. We're getting even with him as we speak and as he snogs.

Seamus turns a very funny colour of purple and looks like he's ready to run into the stacks to find Malfoy and kill him.

Ron, annoyed: Harry, you are such an insensitive git.

Harry, exasperated: It's your fault.

Ron: Look, Seamus, really, sit down. We all know Malfoy's just gonna love her and leave her...then you can come to the rescue and get all the lovin' and snoggin' you could ever want. Maybe even more. And meanwhile, we'll nail Malfoy's lily-white arse to the wall. Just don't make a scene, 'kay?

Seamus nods, still that funny purple colour. He sits down.

It's not too long before Malfoy shows up, looking mighty pleased with himself followed by the Ravenclaw girl. Seamus, not able to stand it, gets up and leaves. Malfoy walks over to where Harry and Ron are sitting and notices them there.

Draco, sneering: What do you two want?

Harry: Oh, were you sitting there?

Draco: Yes, and I'd rather not be downwind of you and Weasel here. So get lost. Besides, I'm sitting with someone else.

Harry, leans over and whispers to Draco: You might not want to announce that too loudly. Seamus is ready to make mince Malfoy out of you...especially if you break Cassie's heart. And we all know you will.

Draco: Fuck off, Potter.

Harry: Now, now, Malfoy. Language. You're always on Ron about that.

Draco: Well, fuck him too.

Ron, smirking: In your dreams, Malfoy.

Draco, barely regarding Ron's presence: You'd like that, wouldn't you, Weasel?

Ron, grinning: Not as much as your father would.

Draco gets a stunned look on his face and glances at Cassie who is watching this exchange with interest.

Draco, through gritted teeth: Shut up about that. Not here.

Ron: Why not, Malfoy? It's about time it came out. I don't think Harry can keep it in any longer.

Draco turns to the pretty red-head next to him and tells her he'll meet her later in the Astronomy Tower.

Ron muttering: Man that girl has no taste. Seamus is a much better catch.

Draco, hearing Ron: You only think that because she wouldn't look twice at you.

Ron: I've got my girl, thank you very much.

Draco: That Mudblood? I hear she's got more of an interest in two boys shagging each other than in you shagging her.

Ron, rolling eyes: She just can't shut up about that, can't she!

Harry: Well, I did tell him, Ron. Hermione got to watch me and Lucius go at it, remember?

Ron: Yeah, and then she told me all about it. I mean, I didn't know two guys could DO those things.

Draco, looking around quickly: Would you two shut up about that.

Suddenly Madame Pince's shadow looms over the three boys: If you three can't be quiet, then please leave.

The boys suddenly become very quiet.

After Madame Pince is gone, Draco turns to Harry: Would you just get lost?

Harry: No, I'm all settled here and I need to write a letter anyway.

Ron: You wanna use Pig to deliver it?

Harry: Sure.

Draco looks suspicious. He glances at the two boys and tries to ignore them after a moment. He sits down and tries to study, but then notices the book Harry carefully placed nearby so Draco wouldn't miss it. It has a big heart with an arrow through it with L.M. + H.P inside the heart.

Harry looks to be deeply involved with the letter he's writing.

Draco can no longer stand it...his hands creep towards the book. He's glances furtively at Harry while doing it. Ron is busy flirting with some girl on the other side of him.

Draco, after Harry suddenly slaps his hand: OW!

Ron, head snaps toward Draco: Shhhhhhh...stupid git. You'll get us all kicked out.

Harry, looking indignant: That's private, Malfoy.

Draco, for once having nothing to say, goes back to his reading.

Ron, after regarding Harry for a moment: So, what's that little nickname you have for him again?

Harry, without thinking: Luscious.

Ron, snorts trying not to laugh.

Harry, looking up: What?! He thinks that's cute.

Draco, through gritted teeth his eyes glued to his books: He does not.

Harry, looking at Draco: He does too. And you know what else he thinks is cute? My butterfly kisses on his bunny birth....

Draco kicks Harry hard under the table.

Harry: OW!

Ron starts to giggle.

Harry: Fine then. You're a git, you know that, Draco. Maybe after school is out and your dad and I set up house, I will ask that you call me "mum".

Appearing all indignant and with a sore leg, Harry gathers up his book and motions for Ron to follow him. They move further down the table, away from Draco. Draco notices Harry is limping a little. Good, he thinks. Stupid git.

Suddenly, Draco notices that the book with the heart containing the initials is still next to him on the table. Without looking at it, and making like he is gathering up his own books to leave, he scoops the book into his pile and packs his bag in a hurry and rushes out of the library.

Harry and Ron have been glancing at him while he did this.

Ron, smirking: Bait taken.

Harry: This is gonna be sooooo good.

Installment Nine: Wherein we find out what happened to Hermione

About a week after the Library incident, Ron and Harry are walking to the Gryffindor Tower. Ron is very distressed.

Ron, upset: I tell you, Harry, Hermione is seeing someone else. I know it!

Harry, trying to be calm: I highly doubt it, Ron. She really likes you...she gets all silly and stuff with the other girls when discussing you. I've seen her do it.

Ron, not convinced: Well, she's been walking funny and she has a lot of detentions with Snape lately. I bet she's shagging Snape!

Harry, making a face: Ew! Ron, that is not even worth contemplating. That is too gross for words. Don't ever mention it again. Why would Hermione want Snape when she has YOU?

Ron, looking dejected: Snape has a gay porno collection.

Harry, rolling his eyes: And what does that say about Snape?

Ron, tentatively: That he might be gay?

Harry: Yeah!

Ron, looking sheepish: Didn't think of that.

Harry slowly shakes his head.

Ron: But Hermione is walking funny...she's shagging someone!

Harry: Why don't you just ask her?

Ron, looking sheepish again: I'm afraid of the answer. Will you ask her?

Harry, giving Ron the "you are such an idiot look" that only best friends can give and sighs: All right.

Ron: Thanks, Harry. You're the best, you know that? Oh and um, can you make it sound like you're concerned about all this? I don't want her thinking I don't trust her.

Harry: But you don't!

Ron: But she doesn't have to know that!

Harry: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Ron,...Slytherins suck.

Ron: I know that...

Harry: No, it's this week's password to get into the Gryffindor Rooms.

Ron: Oh yeah...oops. I forgot.

The two boys climb in behind the open portrait and find the Gryffindor common room surprisingly empty...well, except for Hermione who is sitting next to the fire absorbed in yet another book. Ron pushes Harry towards her and sneaks off to hide behind one of the comfy Chesterfields. Harry approaches Hermione.

Harry, clearing his throat: Um, Hermione? Can we talk?

Hermione, not looking up from her book: Sure.

Harry, sitting down near Hermione: Well, we haven't seen much of you lately after classes are over for the day.

Hermione, still with her nose in the book: Hmmhmmm...

Harry: Well, I was wondering, and Ron too, well, what's up?

Hermione, her nose STILL in that damned book: I have detention. I told you both that.

Harry: I know, but Hermione, NOBODY'S had detention like this from Snape and well, um...we've noticed you walking funny so we're a bit concerned.

There, he said it. Harry sees a thumbs up appear from behind the Chesterfield Ron is hiding behind.

Hermione then looks up from her book.

Hermione, looking rather confused: I'm walking what?

Harry, swallowing hard: Funny, like well, you're a bit sore or something....um...er...like you've been um...you know...with Snape.

Hermione does great impression of doe in the headlights.

Hermione, after she finds her voice again: You think I'm shagging Snape? Oh, EW!!! Harry, that's disgusting! I have not been shagging ANYONE? Why would I be shagging Snape when I have Ron?

Harry: That's what I said to Ron.

Harry then sees a fist appear shaking at him from behind Ron's Chesterfield.

Harry, glancing at fist: But, um...I'm concerned too. I mean, I don't want to see Ron's feelings hurt, but you know, it's just that, he's...we've noticed.

Hermione, putting her book aside and crossing her arms across her chest: So, I guess you won't let up if I don't tell you. You sure you want to hear this?

Harry, really not wanting to hear it, but well, what the hell?: Yeah. I do.

Hermione, smirking: Okay, first of all, I got all those detentions from Snape because he found out I was "borrowing" his porn. I got a week's worth for stealing, as he puts it, I got several more for lying about it, then I got one for threatening to tell Dumbledore if Snape tried to get me expelled and then one for good measure. Secondly, you know the last time we went off to Hogsmeade? I took off with the girls for a while and said you and Ron couldn't come along. We had girl stuff to do.

Harry, knowing now he really DIDN'T want to know: Uuuuuuhhhh...yeah.

Hermione, obviously enjoying Harry's discomfort: Well, we girls went off to this place that Lavender found and we went shopping.

Harry, asking the question before he realises what he's saying: What place was that?

Hermione, looking mighty pleased with herself: A place that sells toys.

Harry, blushing a deep red: Ummmm, what kind of toys?

Hermione, leaning forward: The kind that looks like a boy body part but without the complications attached.

Harry (and Ron who jumps up from behind the Chesterfield): WHAT??!!

Ron, redfaced: You went and bought at toy when you've got ME?! Why can't I be your toy?

Hermione: I'm waiting.

Ron, exasperated: For what?!

Hermione: For you to grow the hell up!

Ron: You're just pissed off because I won't have sex with another boy so you can get off!

Hermione: I am not.

Ron, angry: Fine then. You want me to do something with another boy. How's this?

To everyone's surprise, Ron storms over to Harry, grabs his face and plants a really big passionate kiss right on his mouth. Harry is too surprised to do any protesting.

Ron, letting Harry go: There! Satisfied now? Hey? You got what you wanted. I snogged Harry. Happy now?

Ron storms off, Harry sputtering. Hermione, forgetting about her book, chases after Ron saying: Ron, come back! Do that again!

Harry is rather stunned. For one, it wasn't that bad when he thinks about it and he kinda liked it. Secondly, he still can't believe Ron did that. Thirdly....well, where's a slutty girl when you really need one?

Installment Ten: Wherein Snape gets involved further

Draco is sitting in Snape's office looking none the worse for wear. He has dark circles under his eyes and his robes just hang off him. He hasn't eaten much in days. Snape is sitting at his desk, before him, with his hands resting on it, is a large book that looks almost handmade. On its cover is a heart with an arrow through it with the initials L.M. + H.P. inside the heart. Snape looks concerned. Draco looks dejected.

Snape, his voice tight: So, please explain this [he taps the top of the book] to me again. You got this from whom?

Draco, his voice dead: Potter, sir.

Snape, hands folded, sitting back in his chair: Ah, yes, Potter. Why am I not surprised?

Draco, voice still dead: He said they were in love and he wasn't the only one. At one time you and my father were involved.

Snape, his voice cold: You can rest assured, Draco, your father and I have never been involved, (unfortunately). Nevertheless, these are serious allegations and I must investigate it further.

Draco, continuing: And Potter and father let that fag hag Mudblood Granger watch...

Snape, snorting: I highly doubt that. It may be the fantasy of Potter and...others...but I doubt any of it is true.

Draco, not seeming to hear Snape: ...and then there's the bunny birthmark on father's bum that twitches when he pops off...

Snape, suddenly very interested: Oh, really? [Draco looks up.] Oh, ahem, well, I'm sure Potter made that up.

Draco, looking down again: And he calls my father "Luscious". Mother doesn't even call him that.

Snape, absently: Well, he is that, luscious, very delectable...oh...ahem...

Draco, looks up again at Snape, who manages to regain his composure.

Draco, looking anguished: And Potter expects me to call him "mum" after he and my father set up house!

Snape, with a wry look: I highly doubt that would happen. Draco, leave this ingenious volume with...me...and let me take care of Potter and his gang of thugs. I can assure you I can extract a full confession and find out just how much of this is true, if any of it is. Of course, I will have to read all of this, but I promise it will not leave my collection...er...trunk...er...office.

Draco nods silently, giving Snape a grateful look. Snape dismisses the boy and once Draco has gone, he picks up the thick volume, regards it for a moment, then caresses the spine before opening it up to read.

Installment 11: Wherein there is a meeting in Snape's office

Two days later, Harry is the one sitting in the most uncomfortable chair in Snape's office. Seated next to him is Lucius Malfoy. The man is impeccably dressed, not a hair out of place, and he glances at Harry coldly. Across from him is Snape, again with the large volume in front of him. It looks a bit worn and Harry can see that some of the pages are dog-eared. Snape looks coldly at Harry who defiantly looks back.

Snape, with a knowing smile: So, Potter, care to explain this latest prank of yours?

Harry, playing dumb: Prank? What prank?

Snape, as if he's talking to an idiot: Draco Malfoy - he has some serious charges, Potter, and the evidence to prove it. [He taps the top of the book with a finger.] It is one thing to play mind games with a fellow student, it is another to drag his family's good name into it.

Harry snorts and mutters: Yeah, good name my arse.

Snape, staring hard at Harry: So, what do you have to say for yourself?

Harry, realising he really has a perfect opportunity to screw Malfoys Sr. and Jr. over: Nothing, for all I know, Malfoy's making it all up!

Snape, glancing at Lucius: Well, then. I didn't want to have to do this, but I am going to have to ask Headmaster Dumbledore to attend this meeting. A student having illicit liaisons with one other student's parent is scandalous. The repercussions are serious.

Harry starts to feel very uncomfortable, but says nothing. Snape is bluffing, he's sure of it. Snape slowly moves to get some powder from a jar on a shelf and ignites the fireplace in his office with his wand. He is about to throw the powder in when Harry realises he is not bluffing and jumps up and shouts out: WAIT!

Snape, turning to look at Harry: Yes, Potter?

Harry, glancing nervously at Lucius: Um, it was all a joke. Draco was, well, he was being a git so I made something up about...um...his father to get him going. It wasn't supposed to this far, but he...um...well, he fell for it and we thought it was funny, and he really did fall for it, all of it and...um...we thought he'd be too embarrassed to go to anyone about it...

Harry's voice trails off. Snape kills the fire in the fireplace and settles down in his chair.

Snape, smug: So, you have wasted the time of a number of people, including Mr. Malfoy here and myself. You have also wasted resources, caused other students and former students to perpetrate crimes - oh, I know about Miss Granger and the Weasley contingent - and caused great stress to one of my students. For that, Potter, I have decided that all of Gryffindor House's accumulated points to date will be reduced to zero.

Harry, jumping up aghast: You can't do that!

Snape: No? You don't think so? But I just have. Zero points, Potter. I'm sure your housemates will find your prank funny now.

Harry is about ready to panic. Snape realises he really does have Harry by the short and curlies.

Snape, being a prick: I may be willing to change that under a number of conditions.

Harry's eyes widen. He glances at Lucius Malfoy who suddenly winks at him. Harry jumps at this and looks quickly at Snape.

Harry, nervously: Y-yes?

Snape, very smug: You will make an apology to both Mr. Malfoy and his son and you will write a letter of apology and explanation should this matter ever come to the point where suspicions fall on the Malfoy name. Oh, and for the rest of the year you will serve periodic detentions cleaning all members of the Slytherin House and reserve teams Quidditch gear after practices...that includes clothing. By hand. Then and only then will I reduce the number of points taken from Gryffindor house...by about half.

Even Lucius regards Harry on this one. Harry is torn between telling Snape to go screw himself and actually doing it.

Harry decides half points are better than no points and being totally ostracised so: Okay, I'll do it. I'll do what you ask and only half points will get taken off.

Even Lucius Malfoy looks satisfied.

Snape, clearly enjoying himself: And if you're a good little Gryffindor and clean all the gear well, I may even restore the other half of those points and that includes no complaining about doing it.

Harry, subdued: Yes, sir.

Snape, gestures at the book: Now, I will have to have this lovely volume properly taken care of. I'm going to take it into another room to remove any juvenile temptations. I suggest, Potter, you make good part of the agreement while I'm gone.

Snape takes up the book and rushes out of his office, clutching it to his chest. Harry is left alone with Lucius Malfoy who regards the boy with his cold grey eyes. The man has not said a word since Harry arrived in the office. Harry regards him too. He then takes a deep breath and says: Mr. Malfoy, I really am very sorry about this. [But mutters very low: I'm really sorry I got caught, you slimy bastard.]

Lucius Malfoy regards Harry lazily. He looks the boy up and down slowly and then says softly: Apology accepted. Mind you, I do have one question.

Harry, pretending to care: Yes?

Lucius: How did you know about the bunny birthmark?

Harry, taken aback: What?!

Lucius: How did you know about the bunny birthmark on my bum?

Harry, doing an amazing impression of a deer in the headlights: I made it up! I did! Honest!

Lucius: Oh come, now, Harry. You had to find out somehow. I never knew you were so very interested in me, Harry. Is there something you'd like to tell me? I won't laugh...I promise. Nor will I reject you. You see, the feelings are quite mutual. Of course, you'll understand why I haven't said anything until now. We could make that journal of yours all true. Right down to the Granger girl watching. I rather enjoy an audience. She can't join in though...I draw the line at that.

Harry, looking frantic: You're...not...serious?

Lucius Malfoy just grins lustily.

Harry, frantic: Oh. My. God....you ARE serious! No, no, I made it all up. Everything! And Hermione just does a lot of reading. I'm still a virgin...

At this bit of information Lucius Malfoy's eyes light up and he gets a hungry predatory look to him. He gets up and approaches Harry who scrambles out of the uncomfortable chair in an effort to evade the man.

Harry, realising his mistake too late: No, um...I like girls. A lot. Total not virgin in that department. I shag 'em like bunnies...oh, bunnies...heh...I won't tell anyone, Mr. Malfoy...really...nothing. My lips are sealed...it really was a joke...please don't...Oh, God!

Snape walks into the office and Lucius Malfoy returns to his seat acting like his usual cold self.

Snape: Well?

Lucius: He apologised and we discussed...things. I am assured he will never do this again.

Snape: Good, now get out of my sight, Potter.

Harry charges out of the office as if the Devil himself were after him. The two men watch the boy leave with mild interest. After a moment...

Snape: Tea, Lucius?

Lucius: I'd love some.

Snape, conjures up some tea and pours Lucius a cup: So, what did you actually do?

Lucius, taking up his cup after Snape hands it to him: Oh, just made sure he'd never again try to out-Slytherin a Slytherin.

Snape, grins wickedly: Good. So, shall I take care of things with Draco, or will you?

Lucius, sipping his tea: Oh, I will take care of it. I believe I should reassure my own son that things are not as bad as he suspected. By the way, Severus, what have you done with that appalling volume?

Snape, nonchalantly: Oh, I've taken care of it. I have "disposed" of it in a fitting manner. No one but us will have seen it...and no one but us will ever see it again.

Lucius: Good.

Installment 12: Wherein we come to the finale

Draco is standing on the steps to Hogwarts talking to his father. From behind the doors of the entranceway Ron, Harry, Hermione, Fred and George are peeking out. Draco looks like his old self, even if a bit on the thin side and he seems to be on good terms with his father.

Ron, whispers: Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Harry, annoyed: Shut up, Ron. You're not the one who has to spend the rest of the year cleaning out Draco's jockstrap.

George: Sorry about that, Harry. I guess we forgot to tell you that there's always a risk of getting caught and getting caught by Snape. His punishments are the worst.

Harry: Gee, now you tell me.

Fred: Well, at least it was only half points, and not everyone is pissed at you.

Harry, even more annoyed: And this is supposed to make me feel better?

Hermione: Shhhh...Lucius is gone now. He's heading towards Hogsmeade.

Sure enough, Draco is now alone on the stairs and Lucius is walking off towards the wizarding town. Once Lucius is but a dot on the road, the five Gryffindors step out and approach Draco.

Harry, resigned as he moves towards Draco: Well, may as well get this over with.

Draco, regarding the five with disdain: Yes, Potter, you have something to say?

Harry, quickly: Look, Malfoy, I'm sorry and what I did was really mean and rotten and I won't mention it again. It's over. I'm sorry.

Draco, seemingly satisfied: Good, Potter. I had a long talk with my father about things and we're okay now. He was appalled at how you treated me and wouldn't believe the things you said.

Harry expects Draco to rub it in, just like a filthy Slytherin.

Harry, bored: Yes, Malfoy, I know. Family's good name and all that.

Draco, being haughty: Well, as much as he'd like things to be in the open, he can't for now and he's impressed that on all of us, I'm sure.

Harry, suddenly confused: What are you talking about?

Draco: My father has told me that I DO NOT have to call you "mum" when things are all over and done. He says that was ridiculous. You can't be a "mum". You'll just be Harry.

It takes a moment for this to sink in for the five kids. Suddenly all five do this incredible impression of a group of deer in the headlights. Draco looks mighty pleased with himself.

Hermione is the first to recover and grins broadly: I KNEW IT!! I KNEW IT!! Can I watch?

Epilogue

Ron and Harry are sitting in the Astronomy Tower. They appear to be waiting for someone. Ron has a blanket with him.

Harry: So, Ron, you sure you want to go through with this?

Ron, not looking at Harry: I was about to ask you the same thing.

Harry: I'm all right.

Ron, annoyed: Where the hell is Hermione? She's late.

Harry, trying not to sound too eager: Maybe we should start without her. You know, maybe she wants to be all surprised and stuff.

Ron, looking at Harry: Harry, is there something you want to tell me?

Harry, too quickly: Nope, not me.

Ron, pointing a finger for emphasis: Look, for the record, I'm ONLY doing this to get Hermione off my back and to get her flat on hers, got it?

Harry: Got it.

Ron, satisfied: Good.

There is a brief period of silence. Then...

Harry: Ron.

Ron: Yeah.

Harry: You're a really good kisser.

Ron: So are you, Harry.

Harry: Wanna get started now?

Ron: Sure, why not?

Finis