Molly Weasley's Practical Guide to Magical Childcare

From Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes by flashy yellow owl -

Dear Mum,

That was bloody brilliant! We always knew we got our talents from you. We still have tears from laughing. Bet Ron and Percy are rolling in their graves. Of course they've died of embarrassment. Oh, our sides hurt.

We have copies of your book for sale on a display in the shop. Parents are flocking round it while their children browse through the sweets and jokes. One woman was so engrossed in your book, that she just automatically ate a Canary Cream her daughter handed to her. Fortunately, or not, depending on your point of view, the mum happened across a really funny bit just seconds after her first bite. She exploded with laughter, spraying crumbs all over the book. That brought her out of her trance and she leapt from the bench at the front of the shop, wiping down the pages. Mid apology, she burst into feather (the daughter whooped with delight), but as she'd not actually swallowed any of the biscuit, she looked like an enormous yellow Errol. Interesting effect! We'll have to see what we can do with that.

Once again, well done. Wickedly funny, Mum. We couldn't have done it better ourselves. We love you, Mum. You're a girl after our own hearts.

With Admiration,

Fred and George

P.S. We're glad to have provided you with so much material over the years.

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From the Burrow by return Errol -

Dear Boys,

That poor woman! I do hope she got a good chuckle at herself.

Thank you for the praise. Yes, you've given me no end of grief over the years. But since you seem to have turned out well and unknowingly provided me with enough material to write a Daily Prophet best-seller, I suppose I'll have to forgive you.

Love,

Mum

P.S. Harry did well giving you his Tri-Wizard Tournament winnings. Yes, I've known for a good while now. I'm so proud of your success.

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From Hogwarts by barn owl, Howler -

MUM!

ARE YOU INSANE! WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME WERE YOU THINKING? IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BOOK ON PARENTING TIPS, NOT A RON WEASLEY Exposé. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!?

Hogwarts is a LIVING HELL. People keep switching my regular quills for these stupid trick ones that crumble after I use them for a bit. I'm fed up with people snickering and telling me I should be more careful with my things. The Slytherins keep squeaking when they pass me in the halls. Stupid Malfoy is the loudest of the lot of them. YESTERDAY, someone put a repelling charm round my favourite spot at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. When I tried to sit down for supper, I shot backward, then jerked sideways and slid down the aisle on my bum! The entire hall burst out laughing and whistling. Then they began chanting "Again, again!" I've NEVER been so humiliated.

Today was the final straw! I woke up this morning to find a huge teddy bear sitting on the foot of my bed. The minute I tried to get out of bed, it transformed into a huge rubber spider and crawled up to sit on my chest. After he took care of the spider, Harry stopped me from hexing Seamus and Dean who were doubled over, clutching their stomachs and crying with laughter.

THIS HAS GOT TO STOP! I DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT, BUT YOU CREATED THIS SITUATION, YOU FIX IT!

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From The Burrow by return Errol -

Dear Ron,

I'm quite sorry about the spider, dear. That must have been quite a shock.

You've now experienced a bit of the anxiety and embarrassment which your antics at Hogwarts over the years have given me. Do you think I've had an easy time of it, these last several years especially? I could feather the Burrow with all the owls I've received from Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall. Only the twins have received as many detentions as you (yes, I do get owled about all those as well). You're a loyal friend and a capable wizard. I love that about you. Harry is lucky to have you. But you worry me to death at the end of nearly every summer term. Rendered unconscious on a giant chessboard, narrowly escaping a cave in, leg torn and broken by an Animagus dog, attacked by brains and Death Eaters in the Ministry of Magic after hours, any of those things could have done you in. Ron, you justly deserve this exposé in retribution for all the grey hair I now find scattered among my red. I worry over you far more at school than I ever did at home.

Ronnie, you mean the world to me but you take yourself entirely too seriously. I never thought I'd ever say this... You should look to the twins more as an example of lightening up. Just don't model them too closely.

With love and the best of intentions,

Mum

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From Hogwarts by borrowed Hedwig bearing chocolates -

Dear Mum,

Sorry for the Howler. I got a bit frustrated at all the pranks after your book. I realize now they were all in good fun and am doing my best to see the humour in them. I am quite proud that your book is so successful.

Harry helped me pick out the chocolates. I wanted something that truly expressed how much I appreciate your concern.

Love always,

Ron

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From The Burrow by return Errol -

Dear Ron,

Your mother would write to you herself, but she was still in full feather and couldn't manage a quill. From the quantity of dejected chirping and humble gesturing, I'd gather that she sees your point and is sorry for any embarrassment you have suffered as a result of the publication of her book.

Actually, Son, I'm quite impressed that you managed to talk the twins into altering their signature sweets and formula. The chocolates were quite misleading and her transformation has lasted far longer than those the usual creams produce. I do hope she moults before bed-time. I don't fancy sleeping next to all those feathers. They'll tickle something fierce.

With admiration,

Dad

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From The Ministry of Magic by Hermes -

Dear Mother,

I must say that I'm completely dismayed at the choice of anecdotes for your book. Prior to your decisions of the last year, you'd generally struck me the most sensible member of the family. From the way that you portrayed my childhood behaviour, I must conclude that either I was completely mistaken in my assessment or that life with the twins has (in some tragic way) addled your brain. I'm fairly certain that you are not telling deliberate falsehoods. Therefore I insist that you have an appointment with a brain care specialist. I'm worried about your health, Mother.

Toward that end, I've taken the liberty of using my Ministry connections to secure a home visit for you with Madam Anna Brunhild. Madam Brunhild is a prestigious Austrian brain care specialist currently in London for an international seminar. Please remember what an honour it is for you to get a moment of her time and treat her accordingly.

The publication of your book was most ill-timed. The official inquiries into my involvement in the disappearance of Mr Crouch, Sr. and the dealings of former Minister Fudge have just concluded. I have lost a good deal of trust in the Ministry owing to circumstances resulting from no fault of my own. Your erroneous descriptions have resulted in a great deal of jocular behaviour at my expense here at the Ministry, which makes the process of rebuilding my reputation a difficult task at best.

I entered the office one morning last week to find several baby bibs wrapped in ribbons and a fresh box of Magical Mess Remover baby wipes on my desk. And, anyone I approached pulled on dragon hide gloves before shaking my hand. I am most displeased, Mother. I began my work at the Ministry with a reputation already tainted by Dad's lack of ambition and eccentric fascinations. I never thought you, who encouraged me to enter Ministry employ, would further jeopardize my career. I'll expect to hear from you after your appointment with Madam Brunhild and I hope that a retraction in Witch Weekly will be forthcoming.

Your concerned son,

Percy

From The Ritz, London by raven -

Dear Mr Weasley,

I met with your mother and can assure you that her mental health should in no way give you cause for alarm. She is experiencing a little stress at the moment resulting from her concern for the wellbeing of a wayward child. I gave her some advice on that matter and hope to see marked improvement in due time.

I enjoyed my visit with your most charming mother tremendously. What an admirable woman! She even consented to autograph my copy of her excellent book. Thank you for thinking of me.

Sincerely,

Anna Brunhild

From The Burrow by weary Errol -

Dear Percy,

I must thank you for sending that charming Madam Brunhild to visit me. My addled brain was quite refreshed by her sympathetic ear and wise comments.

We came to a consensus about my prevailing complaint. I'm fretting over one of my children who has become pompous and selfish, causing his father and me a great deal of pain. We're certain you'll eventually grow out of it, though. She assures me it's just a stage.

You were a devoted, affectionate child. I'm hopeful that given enough time, you'll realise that not all things in life need to be taken as seriously as you tend to take them. Of course I still love you. I'm rather frustrated by your behaviour at the moment, but that can change. You'll always have my love, dear. I'm glad I got your attention. Thank you for taking the time to owl us, even if it was only for this. Your father and I are always here for you.

With much love and hope,

Mother

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From Hogwarts by barn owl -

Dear Mum,

I was enormously proud to see your book listed in the Daily Prophet's best-seller list. You worked on it with such passionate dedication. I'm thrilled that it's getting the reception it deserved.

Heavens, I'd forgotten how much of a terror I used to be. Although, with that many strong personalities in the house, were you really surprised? Those last couple of years at home with just Ron and me, then my final year alone with you before starting at Hogwarts were just the thing to remind me how loved and appreciated I am. Once I knew I truly had your ear, I remember feeling that I didn't need to rant and rave.

Mum, you've always taken such good care of me. I'm glad you're giving other parents the chance to do that for their children. I'm constantly amazed when my classmates are not as anxious for summer holidays at home as I am. I'd never thought of you and Dad as extraordinary parents, but the more I get to know my friends' parents, the more I realise just how extraordinary you are. Just the fact that we still like being with you is a feat in (and of) itself, but that we all (for the most part) still like being together as a family is a most praiseworthy accomplishment.

I'm proud to be your daughter, Mum. I hope I can approximate your standard as a mother when I'm one.

With love,

Ginny

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From The Burrow by exhausted Errol -

My dear Ginny,

What a lovely letter to receive today. It arrived right after I received Percy's comments. You brightened my day and helped me take his remarks in stride. He's afraid for my mental health, poor lad, but at least he's talking to me now. That's a start.

You've always been important to me, love. I am so pleased to have you for my daughter. You've been an island of understanding in that ocean of testosterone in our house.

With much love,

Mum

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From Sighisoara, Transylvanian Dragon Preserve, Romania by hawk -

Dear Mum,

My copy of your book and some Daily Prophet clippings from Ginny arrived just this week. Well done, Mum! It's quite good. You know I still have those toy dragons. They're my all time favourite toys. In fact, they're quite a hit on the preserve. You might like to know I've had my payback for leaving them out in your way.

When I first arrived, I lined them up on my front windowsill so they could see me outside. I'd learned at Hogwarts that if they could periodically see me, they'd stay in place. We had more hatchlings than usual that year so I spent most of my shifts near the nests, well beyond the line of sight from my cabin.

One day they grew restless and flew into the compound. A couple of co-workers who'd been Seekers in their school days managed to round up all but one. That one made it all the way to the nests. A mama Horntail adopted it despite its smaller than lifelike size and after a few weeks became horribly upset when it failed to thrive like her other offspring. We had to sedate her and remove the toy from her nest before she did herself harm. It was a terribly difficult manoeuvre and I got rather badly sliced in the process. But, wow, after she was sedated I was able to walk right into the nest, touch the mother's scales and handle the young dragons as well. It was a breathtaking moment to be so close to something so majestic and powerful. The toys now live in a cage on the windowsill. It was an awesome experience but not one I want to repeat often.

Your cautious son,

Charlie

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From The Burrow by healthy young tawny owl -

Dear Charlie,

This is the inaugural flight of our new owl, Flynn. Your father and I decided to use a little of the gold proceeds from the Guide to purchase a younger owl to handle our further and heavier correspondence and give poor Errol a bit of a rest. He's been so steadfast for so long, and all the new owls I get from the publishers and readers have been very taxing on him.

I had no idea those toys were still intact. How wonderful to have a little bit of home with you. It must have been fascinating to watch the interaction between the mother and presumed baby horntails. I'm so glad I wasn't there to watch you retrieve it. You must get your fearless wonderment from your father. That man drives me mad with the risks he takes testing out his new "toys."

I'm glad you like the book. Eventually, you might marry and need it.

Love,

Mum

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From Tutankhamen Encampment, Egypt by kestrel -

Dear Mum,

I got your book this week and Charlie's hawk passed on the Prophet clippings Ginny owled to him. I've only had a moment to read the beginning. This trip to the Tutankhamen encampment is work intensive. Gringotts Egypt discovered further gold deposits that the Muggles overlooked when they raided the tomb decades ago. It's very well protected and I'll be hard-pressed to get the curses broken before the deadline Gringotts London has set. I have very little free time. I'll look forward to devouring your book when I return to London in a couple weeks. Nice little jab at my expense in the beginning, though.

Toward that end, I may have some news for you when I return. You'll just have to stew over that little snippet of information, because I'm saying nothing further until I see you next. Ha!

Silently,

Bill

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HFrom The Burrow by Flynn, Howler -

William Weasley

YOU'VE GOT SOME NERVE, YOUNG MAN! Eight years I've been waiting FOR NEWS LIKE THIS AND YOU TELL ME BY OWL! Get a move on and break those curses so YOU CAN ANNOUNCE IT PROPERLY! dIDN'T YOU LEARN ANY COMMON COURTESY FROM ME?

Alright, it's terribly difficult to keep up a good rant when I'm so thrilled for you and Fleur, Bill. Your father and I will meet you in London to celebrate when you're home. Well done. And, HEAVEN KNOWS IT'S ABOUT TIME!