Death Is Our Gift

XVIII

"All's Fair In Love And Pranks"

The morning before Halloween started off almost the same as every other morning before then. The sun crept over the horizon. Many of the owls turned their heads instictively to block the first rays of sunlight; Peeves the Poltergeist was floating thorugh the hall, looking for Mrs. Norris and a game of 'Hide the Cat'; the house elves were begining to prepare breakfast; and the students were getting out of their beds and preparing for the day.

But on this morning, the normal routine was interrupted by screams coming from the prefects' bathroom, resulting in several now bald boys and girls running through the halls to the Infirmary; Peeves was currently imprisoned in a large green bubble being batted around by a delighted Mrs. Norris; and the house elves were finding strange breakfast orders to prepare for the tables.

The mayhem was just the start of Hell Night.

"I don't see why we had to put the Balding Tonic in the prefects' bath," said Lex in hushed tones. The five conspirators were sitting in the Common Room planning out the rest of the day. "I mean, Gryffindor prefects are also being effected."

"Collateral damage," said Liam. "We can't attract attention to us by excluding our house from the pranking."

"Plus," added Joshua, "Val shouldn't have taken points from her own house."

"Better that than inspecting the bags of dragon dung in the greenhouse," said Sarah.

"Okay," said Liam, "we've still got to get into the Potions cupboards. Joshua, that's all you."

Joshua nodded and patted a pocket inside his robes. "Let's just hope that Snape doesn't change his lesson plan for today."

"Did we ever figure out anything for Charms?" asked Ash.

"Super Wheezy Sneezy Powder in the pillows that the third years are going to be using for summoning charms," said Liam. "Remember to take the counter agent before going in - they have class right before us."

"But Defense Against The Dark Arts-" began Lex, when Liam interrupted.

"Collateral damage. No one would expect the culprit in the classes that get hit."

"Dumbledore is smart," said Lex. "He might suspect something."

"Yeah," said Sarah. "Dad & Fred pulled a lot of pranks and Dumbledore was usually there when they pulled them."

"And its the 'usually' that I'm counting on," said Liam. "If he figures it out, we'll burn that bridge when we get to it. Okay, time to start seeing the damage."

The quintet headed to breakfast, being greeted by a few bald students running around and trying to explain to teachers why they were suffering the same condition that the prefects were - especially since none of them were prefects. The students in the Great Hall were rapidly discussing what was going on at the school. Liam and company sat at their table and looked at the food.

Ash reached for the pancakes, when Sarah tugged on his robes. Before he could say anything, several of the Hufflepuffs turned into penguins in their seats, causing screaming from their neighbors. Then students a the Gryffindor table began to spring beards from drinking the pomegranate juice. The Slytherin table began to erupt in a case of musical flatulence from a group of fifth year girls who had eaten heartily of the sausage.

Unfortunately, Professor Flitwick had ingested the pancakes, pomegranate juice and two helpings of the sausages. With a pop, the Charms professor was replaced with a very small bearded penguin with uncontrollable gas.

*****

AlbusDumbledore was approaching the Great Hall, whistling a little tune, when Professors Snape and McGonagall came out of it, with a small bearded penguin between them. "Headmaster," said McGonagall, "there is something-"

"Yes," said Dumbledore. "I am aware of the pranks being pulled. I had to convince a toilet not to... erupt this morning. Rather difficult rationalizing with a piece of porcelain."

"Then you must suspect that this is related to our 'guests'," said Snape.

"This does not strike me as their style, Severus," said Dumbledore. "But for the sake of thoroughness, I have spoken with them and been assure that they are not behind this trickery. I take it that this is Filius?"

The penguin honked from both ends in confirmation. Dumbledore smiled and waved his wand, returning the diminutive professor back to his normal sized self. "Tell Madam Pomfrey to expect many things like this today." Professor Flitwick nodded and began to walk away, a small honk escaping every sixth step.

"Headmaster, this could be very dangerous," said McGonagall.

"I doubt the prankster has harm on his or hers agenda Minerva. No, today is a day for distractions. Until we determine who the culprit is, we should take extra care during the day."

It was at that moment that an emu came running down the hallway, chased by several Ravenclaws.

"And I think that it would be prudent to inspect the kitchens, especially the oatmeal," said Dumbledore.

*****

The pranks, as Dumbledore had suspected, were more distractions than harmful. The fifth year Potions class was put to sleep when their cauldrons filled with Aging Potion exploded into a blueish cloud of smoke. Professor Snape was out of the room at the time and spent the remainder of the period waking his students.

The first year DADA class had to deal with enchanted quills flying through the air and writing obscenities on various exposed body parts. Professor Potter used this as an opportune time to explain the concept of 'constant vigilance' and avoiding the possessed quills.

"This is never going to come off," said Lex as she scrubbed at the writing on her face.

"Yes it will," said Ash, grabbing some food and checking with the others to see if it was 'clean'. "We have the-"

"We have to just visit Madam Pomfrey," interrupted Sarah. She leaned in and the others followed suit. "Dumbledore checked the kitchens. Think we're done with all that."

"Not to worry," said Liam. "Much more merriment and mayhem is scheduled." Liam frowned at his pronunciation of the word 'schedule'. "I'm becoming Giles." He began to read his latest later from Dawn.

"One of us... one of us," chanted Ash, Joshua and Sarah.

"Yeah, yeah. Hey!" Liam exclaimed. Several of the students around them, even other tables, turned to Liam, who noticing all the attention. "Sorry... nothing to see..." He turned back to his friends. "Dawn & Xander are coming to visit."

"Nice," said Ash. "I finally get to meet a Slayer."

"And finally quit prattling on about it," added Joshua.

"They're going to, hopefully she says, be here before Christmas," said Liam. "Seems like forever since I saw Xander."

"I'll owl Grandmum to send a camera," said Sarah. "That way you can have some proper pictures of them."

"Don't know if the words 'proper' and Xander should be used together," said Liam. "I don't think he can be proper even in a picture."

"Can we go see Madam Pomfrey now?" asked Lex, covering all but the 'T' on her cheek.

Liam looked at his watch. He reached for a roll & a put a pat of butter on it. "Just a sec," he said. He took a deep breath and then a bite of the roll. A second later, he fell forward into the remains of his mash potatoes, snoring before his head hit the plate. As if on cue, several other students at other tables fell asleep at the tables.

"Let's pick him up before he drowns in gravy," said Ash.

"He deserves it," said Lex.

*****

Dumbledore was chuckling as he entered the teacher's lounge. He had escaped with only a minor sneezing fit as he walked past the Charms classroom and even rescued Peeves from his bubble prison, much to the rare thanks of the poltergeist. As the door open, the overwhelming smell of dragon dung caused his face to contort.

"Pomona," he said seeing Professor Sprout filthier than ever, "could you please open a window?"

"They are open, Headmaster," said the muffled voice of Rupert Giles. He had applied a Bubble Head charm as had a few of the other teaching staff gathered.

"And I can't even clean it off," said Professor Sprout. "I've tried every charm that me, Fillius and Argus can think of."

"I suspect that it will clean itself off this evening," said Dumbledore.

"Have you found the culprit?" asked Giles.

"Not as of yet," said Dumbledore. "Though my initial suspicious have yet to be disproven."

"Weasleys?" asked Harry. "This does look like a lot of their handy work."

"Possibly," said Dumbledore. "But after speaking with them under threat of the most cruel punishment I could think of, they have denied any participation in the events of today."

"Punishment?" questioned Professor Sinistra.

"A Howler from their mother," said Dumbledore with a smile.

"If not the Weasleys, who else?" asked Giles.

"I would have thought that you, of all people Rupert, would have recognized this day."

Giles thought on the matter. "Well.. In 1440-"

"Not to worry," said Dumbledore. "By this evening the pranks will have ceased and the school will have a proper Halloween - all the tricks giving way to proper treats."

And he was correct - the last meal of the evening featured the candles floating high above the students to explode in bright colored wax, which began to rain down on the students and staff. Dumbledore just smiled, producing five extremely large umbrellas with covered all the house and staff tables.

With dinner over, the students retired to their houses. When Liam and company arrived at the Gryffindor portrait, as small house elf was standing there. He was wearing an ugly furry coat with green shorts. Affixed to the coat was a button that said 'S.P.E.W.'

"Dobby," said Liam. "What's up?"

Dobby looked upward. "Dobby does not know Mister Liam." The remaining Gryffindors laughed as they entered through the portrait.

"It's just an expression, Dobby," said Ash.

"Albeit a bad one," mumbled Lex.

"What are you doing here?" asked Liam, ignoring the commentary.

"Dobby has come to tell Mister Liam that Headmaster Dumbledore wants to see him and his friends."

A pale look came over the group. "Did you say something about the food to him?" asked Joshua.

"No, Master Malfoy," said Dobby. "Dobby told to do anything for Mister Liam & Dobby was told not to say anything. So Dobby hasn't said anything."

"It's okay Dobby," said Liam. "Time to face the music. I'll take the blame."

"Bloody right you will," said Lex.

The five followed the freed house elf to the Headmaster's office. "Hey," asked Ash, "why does Dobby call Joshua 'master' and the rest of us 'mister' and 'misses'?"

Dobby stopped and looked at Ash. "Dobby used to serve the House of Malfoy, until Harry Potter freed him from the bad, bad-" Dobby quickly slapped his hands over his mouth, looked at Joshua, and began to bang his head against a wall. Ash and Liam grabbed Dobby and stopped him from doing any damage. "Dobby - relax!" said Liam.

"Dobby is sorry, Master Malfoy. I should not say anything bad about-"

"Why not?" asked Joshua. "Grandfather Malfoy is still in prison & Dad did some really nasty things."

Dobby continued to lead them to the headmaster's office, albeit a bit crooked at times. They reached the doorway to the office and Dobby said the password ('Pumpkin Pasties') and the gargoyle moved to one side. The kids could have sworn the gargoyle was almost snickering at them. They climbed the spiral staircase and into Dumbledore's office. The headmaster was talking to a portrait of what appeared to be himself.

"A bit egotistical," said Ash under his breath.

"I assure you Mister Williams," said the 'real' Dumbledore, "that this is not a narcissistic display. All former headmasters of Hogwarts have portraits hung in this office."

"But... uh... you're the current head master," noticed Ash.

"Long story," said Joshua.

"A story best told at another time," said the portrait version of Dumbledore.

"Quite right," agreed the non-painting Dumbledore. "To the matter at hand." He turned to face the students. "Thank you for your services," said Dumbledore to Dobby. The house elf bowed deeply and 'popped' out of the room.

"Mister Summers," said Dumbledore. "I had hoped that 'Hell Night' would have never appeared at Hogwarts. We do have enough troubles with the semi-regular pranks developed by the Brothers Weasley." Liam's heart sank. He opened his mouth to speak, but Dumbledore held up his hand. "it does no good to deny it or, failing that, plead for me to spare your co-conspirators. I did rather enjoy myself. But I would ask that this be the first and only years of 'celebration'."

"Yes sir," said Liam.

"Now, tomorrow you all will report to Greenhouse Number Six to clean the dragon dung from the walls, plants, and anywhere else that it may have reached. This will be done without the aid of magic." The five just groaned. Dumbledore smiled and sat behind his desk. "I will instruct Professor Sprout that you 'volunteered' for this project and that no points will be awarded to you house." Dumbledore reached into a bowl and took a mint, popping it into his mouth.

The group of students looked in shock as Dumbledore suddenly lost all his clothing, sitting there naked with only his hat and beard.

******

"That was mean," said Remus on the return trip to London aboard the Hogwarts Express. Sirius was laughing like a hyena.

"It's hilarious," said Sirius. "The Marauders strike again."

"You know Dumbledore will blame them, right?"

"And they'll figure out it was someone else. Remember, my dear Moony, all's fair in love and pranks."

Remus, against his better judgment, cracked a smile at his old friend. "Alright - but when they come for you, I'll not stop them."

"Yes you will," said Sirius. "You may have been the respectable one, but I know who sent Myrtle the love poems with James' name on them."

Remuspicked up the Daily Prophet and hid behind it, causing yet another laughing fit from Sirius as there is nothing funnier than a blushing werewolf.