Descent into Darkness

You are a force, you are a constant source
Yeah you are a shining light
Incandescent in the darkest night
Yeah you are shining light

My mortal blood I would sacrifice
For you are a shining light.

****

Leaving DumbledoreÂ’s office, Harry felt strangely reassured. He managed to smile at Hermione in apology before she was called in to speak to the Headmaster. Unlike Draco, he felt an immense weight had been lifted when he leant he had been selected for advanced classes. It meant that next year he could leave Privet Drive and live in London with other wizards. It meant his life had some kind of direction, although he was a little disappointed the direction wasnÂ’t a bit nearer the Quidditch League.

He headed back to Gryffindor. He had no real plan of what to say to Ron, but he realised he couldnÂ’t leave things as they were. He found Ron in the dormitory. He was sat on his trunk with books and parchment in typical disarray around him. Even at this stage Ron refused to work as diligently as Hermione and preferred the sporadic approach to study. Standing in the doorway, Harry realised that despite the effort the only way Ron was going to absorb anything from the books was if knowledge was airborne. He was staring off into space, his face pensive and closed.

Harry walked over, slowing as Ron focused and looked at him apprehensively. "YouÂ’ve just seen Dumbledore?" he asked.

"Ah ha." Harry stopped a few feet away. "He said McGonagall talked to you this morning. He also said I should come and talk to you, about everything. Try andÂ… sort it out."

"Okay." Ron definitely looked worried now. "So?"

There was silence. Harry tried desperately to think of some way of phrasing all that he wanted to without being completely reactionary. "I just don’t get it Ron," he said finally. "I mean, was it like, ‘collect twelve crisp packets and you’re gay’?"

"NoÂ… I donÂ’t know, I canÂ’t even think straight." Ron winced at this unfortunate pun and kept his eyes fixed on his battered copy of Flying with the Cannons. "Maybe it was just him."

Harry pushed his hands in his pockets. "I mean, God, Ron, itÂ’s Malfoy."

"Yeah. Well no, I donÂ’t think of him like that anymore. HeÂ’sÂ… Draco."

"Oh, thatÂ’s a vast improvement," Harry responded drolly.

Ron tried to find words. "Harry, what I feel for DracoÂ… itÂ’s different, I canÂ’t explain it."

"And thatÂ’s a relief." Harry stopped as he noticed RonÂ’s stricken expression. "IÂ’m sorry. ItÂ’s just awkward, alright?"

"I know. ItÂ’s like that for me as well."

Harry began to trace a pattern on the floorboards with one scuffed shoe. "But if IÂ’d given you a place on the Quidditch team would you have settled down and married Padma Patil?"

Ron smirked, an unwitting Draco imitation that Harry couldnÂ’t help but notice. "I donÂ’t think so."

"WellÂ… okay then," Harry said, apparently resolved. He moved a stack of books and sat by Ron in companionable silence.

Ron sighed. "I suppose IÂ’d better go and see him. What am I going to say?" he wondered aloud.

"How about, ‘Don’t go mad. Oops too late, you did?’" Harry suggested.

Ron smiled wryly in response. "Yeah thanks Harry, thatÂ’s great. YouÂ’ve been hanging out with Seamus too long."

Harry grinned. "Actually the last time I saw him he was talking in surprisingly lyrical tones about another Weasley. And before you say it, itÂ’s not Percy."

"However much heÂ’s admired at the Ministry." Ron nodded. "I know, Hermione mentioned something about it."

Harry thought for a minute. "Well, you do whatever it takes. Why donÂ’t you make him an offer he canÂ’t refuse?"

"Huh?" Ron frowned in confusion.

"Never mind." Harry made a mental note to make Ron sit through the Godfather trilogy, as he was now practically married to the mob. "Good luck."

****

As he descended the steps to the dungeons, Ron thought back to the first time he had gone to see Draco. He hadnÂ’t known whom he was looking for then, or what to expect. He had felt confused and uncertain yet expectant. NowÂ… now he felt the weight of complex emotion: fear of rejection, the burden of responsibility and yearning from absence.

He found the concealed door to the common room easily. He knocked on the wall and waited. Nothing happened. Ron vented all the frustration of the last few days and pounded the wall with his fist. After a few seconds the wall slid back and Ron stopped just short of punching Pansy Parkinson in the face. "What, back again?" she said unpleasantly. "And youÂ’re bleeding, didnÂ’t you notice?" She glared at him with disdain

He matched her gaze coolly. He hadnÂ’t noticed he had grazed his head and barely glanced at it when she commented. "Is Draco here?" he asked directly.

"Yeah," she smiled, and spoke with malice, "but heÂ’s probably in crisis talks with his imaginary army." From within the common room Millicent Bulstrode shrieked with laughter and others joined in.

Ron pushed past Pansy and ignored the fragments of mirth echoing around him. The Slytherins sitting round the common room largely ignored Ron, and this suited him. He climbed the stairs to DracoÂ’s room, and pushed the door open.

Ron found Draco sitting quietly next to his eagle owl, stroking her feathers and talking softly to her. He looked round and Ron could not suppress a gasp of surprise. Draco looked like he hadnÂ’t slept for weeks. His usually silky hair tumbled crazily into his eyes, which were darkened by shadows. He looks like an albino version of Harry after a really rough Quidditch practice, thought Ron.

"Hey." Draco stood but wouldnÂ’t look at him.

"Hey yourself," replied Ron with false lightness. "SoÂ… howÂ’s it been?"

Draco ignored him and carried his owl back to its perch.

Ron cleared his throat. "SorryÂ… IÂ’m sorry about your father."

He saw Draco nod in acknowledgement. "IÂ’m not really thinking much about that yet, too much else to deal with first. ItÂ’ll probably hit me six months down the line, along with a well-aimed Avada Kedavra. I helped them kill my father."

"Yeah," Ron shifted awkwardly. "So I heard. It was a very brave thing to do." He ventured closer, close enough to reach out and touch him. But he didnÂ’t.

Draco turned and shook his head sadly. "No, turns out it was pretty stupid as now Voldemort wants me to take his place."

"Draco - " Ron didnÂ’t finish as Draco stepped forward falteringly and buried his face in RonÂ’s shoulder. Ron embraced him and felt a wave of fierce protectiveness enfold him. Gradually, DracoÂ’s convulsions subsided.

"Sorry," he muttered as he pulled back, "for um, being a complete bastard."

"Oh, that," Ron shrugged. "Â’S alright."

"I can hear them, down there in the common room. Maybe theyÂ’re right, Schizophrenia certainly beats being alone."

"IÂ’m here, arenÂ’t I?"

Draco backed away and sat on the edge of the bed. "Yes, youÂ’re here." He spoke with an oddly distant intonation. "But youÂ’re only here because he asked you to."

Ron picked at his shirt hem and said quietly. "Yeah, I spoke to Harry. But I didnÂ’t think you wanted to see me anymore."

"You're right, I didnÂ’t," Draco replied.

Ron looked up, suddenly annoyed. "Fine, IÂ’ll just elope with Neville then, shall I?"

Draco laughed in surprise. The brief light in his eyes burnt out quickly and left his face as smooth and defined as a marble statue of Adonis. "Do you know that there were times when I burned for your gentle touch upon my skin?" Those cold eyes watched him quietly. "Can you imagine? I had your unquestioning compliance, but never your absolute devotion. If I leave, you wonÂ’t come with me. I made you feel wanted, and yet youÂ’d still betray me." There was silence, and Ron did not raise his head to object. Draco continued, "I donÂ’t blame you; IÂ’m just disappointed. Somehow, I expected more." He stood and walked towards the door.

"No, wait," Ron reached out impulsively and gripped DracoÂ’s arm. "ItÂ’s shouldnÂ’t be about that, picking sides. Love is more than anything else, itÂ’s beyond good and evil."

"You love me?" Draco shook his head. "DonÂ’t. Love is about sacrifice, about caring more about someone else than you do about yourself. I canÂ’t do that."

"Hey, IÂ’m not giving you options here, blond boy." Ron eyes blazed. "IÂ’m not letting you leave until IÂ’ve said what I have to."

Draco met those fierce eyes and marvelled at the conviction he saw there. He broke eye contact and looked down at RonÂ’s hand. He noticed the blood and dirt smudged into RonÂ’s skin and his breath caught in his throat. "I take it back, I canÂ’t help but love you." His pale fingertips hesitated over the wound. "Do you remember the first time? I remember your hot, white stare and that first fumbled caress."

Ron winced as Draco brushed the grit from his hand. "ThatÂ’s funny, as I recall you pinned me to a wall and rammed your tongue down my throat."

Draco laughed softly. "Well, itÂ’s all about perspective, isnÂ’t it?" He smiled with the familiar, ironic arch of one eyebrow.

"Draco, please donÂ’t go." The words were simple, but Ron felt his soul was laid bare by saying them.

Draco shrugged elegantly. "If I stay I lose everything, my inheritance, my reputationÂ…" He paused. "Well," he thought, "that is pretty much all IÂ’ve got."

"So do that then." Ron finally released his grip and let his arm fall. "In the beginning I thought that this was just about me. Betraying Harry, making out with a Slytherin, you of all peopleÂ… I thought it would have to end badly, for me. But it doesnÂ’t have to, does it?" He willed him to understand. "The real, scary, life-altering changeÂ… that has to be you."

Draco sat back down and looked up at Ron. "IÂ’d have to sit here talking to you for hours to try and resolve everything thatÂ’s running through my head."

"So talk. IÂ’m not going anywhere." Ron smiled grimly. "And neither are you."

"Ron, this isnÂ’t going to go away. My past, my heritageÂ… itÂ’s not some horrible thing that happened to me; itÂ’s part of who I am."

He considered this. "Look, this isnÂ’t ideal for me either. My parents will kill me when they find out IÂ’m dating a Malfoy; theyÂ’ll kill me twice when they find out itÂ’s you."

"Oh good, and what will they do to me?" he said with a slight self-deprecating smile.

Ron responded in the same tone. "Well, initially theyÂ’ll recoil in shock and horror. Then theyÂ’ll have you incarcerated in Azkaban and interrogated by Ministry officials. If you get through all thatÂ… Mum will start knitting you jumpers."

The mention of Azkaban jolted Draco from his good-humour; doubts filled his thoughts. "I donÂ’t think I could make it through all that."

Ron disregarded his change of mood. "Ah come on, the jumpers arenÂ’t that bad."

"No, not that." Draco felt suddenly afraid. "Ron, IÂ’ve done some really bad things; can you live with that?"

"I donÂ’t know." He stopped and looked back at Draco with his jaw set. "IÂ’d like to try." He softened. "Anyway, IÂ’ve done some really good, heroic and ultimately stupid things so I think we can compromise."

"Compromise?" Draco tried out this unfamiliar term. "The only type of compromise my father ever taught me was settling for the slaughter of your enemies when the public humiliation didnÂ’t work out as planned."

"Then youÂ’ve still got a lot to learn." Ron pulled Draco up towards him. "I canÂ’t offer you power, or eternal life or even a big house in the country. But youÂ’re still going to stay with me, alright? Because you donÂ’t need those things, not really."

Draco thought he could have contradicted him, but at that moment, with the first warmth of contentment infusing him, he didnÂ’t have the will.

****

We made our connection
A full on chemical reaction
Brought by dark divine intervention
Yeah, you are a shining light

You light up my life

****