Survivors

CHAPTER 16

Tedious Explanations

She took her 'regular' seat this morning at breakfast. Sinistra is back, of course, and any deviation from the old order of things would have required tedious explanations. In that, at least, the little Mudblood is, or has become, circumspect. Or, perhaps she has given up after all. Perhaps this whole thing was a minor flare-up brought on by the emotions stirred at the reunion. Reminders of Potter, etcetera. When did it all begin? Was there anything before that kiss? (Even now, remembering it, I am becoming aroused...)

The play. She came down to my quarters. Wanted to apologize, smooth things over. I attacked her, wanted to prove my capacity for evil. As if that needed proving. Yet even then, even after that, she reached out to me. Touched me. Purported to understand...something that even I do not understand. Perhaps...there was something there.

Lenore is a sentimental sap. Thinks all a man needs is a simpering, devoted woman and he can live happily ever after. Tobias and Eileen put that rumour to the lie before Lenore was even born.

Hermione, too, is of a sentimental bent. She wants things to be right and just. She wants people to be honourable and act on moral principles. That she still has such ideals, after all she's seen and been through is a testimony to her stupendous sentimentality. Yet she never was a silly girl, never one of the Gryffindor Geese (of which her yearmates Brown and Patil were prime examples), never let romantic entanglements get in the way of her schoolwork. If she'd wanted the house, the kids, the childhood sweetheart, she could have had Weasley. He was no match for her. But perhaps exactly that was a result of her sentimentality: she wanted perfection. She couldn't be much farther off than me.

There is no chance that either of us could end up happy, were I to allow this to continue. I do not believe I am even able to experience that emotion, if indeed I ever was. I will hurt her. Either way. By rejecting her, or by accepting her...

...xOxOxOx...

The Hogwarts Express brought the students back late Sunday afternoon. The House Heads needed to be present in the Entrance Hall to receive them when the Thestral-driven carriages arrived, but as Remus was indisposed again, Hermione represented Gryffindor.

After having the relative quiet of the past couple of weeks, it was a bit overwhelming to be met with the sudden onslaught of laughing, pushing, overexcited teenagers. Did she, Ron and Harry use to be so loud? She smiled indulgently at the second-year girls gushing over each other's new haircuts and the fourth-year boys showing off the new broomsticks they'd gotten for Christmas, although she had to intervene to stop them from taking off right there in the Entrance Hall.

Everyone was expected in the Great Hall for dinner, so she did her best to herd students in that direction as efficiently as possible. Professors Flitwick and Sprout were also busily issuing encouragements to "move along now" and shooing the students forward, while Snape hovered at the back of the crowd, aloof. Following the last stragglers, he neared Hermione, staring at her in deep concentration, making her insides ache with longing. At the same time, she had to remind herself that whatever he was brooding about, it wasn't her fault. She wouldn't let him control her emotions. She hung back a little at the door, and when he reached her, she forced herself not to worry about what was on his mind, but rather to smile pleasantly and wish him a good evening. Just as she had to Filius and Pomona. Only they hadn't caused her pulse rate to increase and her pupils to dilate.

She is waiting for me. Very well, Hermione. You wished a dalliance. I have no idea where this will lead us; it will likely be just one more mistake on the shitpile that is my life. I take no responsibility for yours.

He inclined his head slightly and returned her words, then lightly placed his hand on the small of her back, as if to usher her inside. He walked with her for two steps, then casually let his hand slide away over her hip.

Barely trusting herself not to blush furiously, she stole a glance in his direction. He was watching her with a blank expression on his face, but again there was the nod of acknowledgement, and then he was walking ahead past the Slytherin table, nodding at his charges. She walked up the other side of the Hall, past the Gryffindors. He was naturally faster than her, so by the time she reached the staff table, he was already seated between Professors Sinistra and Arcanum. Hermione took her place between the two empty chairs normally occupied by Remus and Angelina (who was once again apparently operating in her own time zone) and proceeded to completely zone out the rest of dinner.

Did what she think just happened, happen? Did Severus just signal his desire to... what? Be friends? That had much more than a 'just friends' gesture. Date her? No. Surely not. Severus Snape did not date. Nor did he have relationships. Perhaps...explore possibilities? Oh, Merlin, what was she getting herself in to?

...xOxOxOx...

Due to the full moon, Hermione had to remain on duty as Gryffindor Deputy Head that night. This meant that she had to remain on call in her room; Severus likewise, as Head of Slytherin. If not... On the one hand, she was excited to find out what he had meant by those nods and touches. On the other, perhaps he hadn't meant anything; she absolutely couldn't let him control her like this! But oh, those eyes: reflecting desire and power. Those lips: so thin and strict-looking, yet so tender, supple, and demanding. Those fingers: pale and bony, tipped by long blackened nails, so nimble and strong, eliciting shivers of excitement and ripples of stimulation throughout her body.

What if he did mean what she thought he meant? What if he let her into his life? Or did he just mean to let her into his bed? She had been flattered, too, when Crispin had made eyes at her, had made it clear that he was interested in her. She had known that he was married, but she hadn't thought about what that meant, neither about the consequences nor about the prospects for the future of the relationship.

Did she want to rush blindly into a similar situation with Severus? What were the dangers of getting involved with him? He was a known personality in the close-knit wizarding community, and an unpopular one at that. Would his negative press rub off on her? Possibly. Probably. Guilt by association. Might that have consequences for her career? Not for her position at Hogwarts, certainly; if Severus was able to teach here, she certainly would be able to. She also couldn't see how an association (particularly a brief and torrid one) with Severus Snape might affect her chances of being hired by any other institute of higher education. On the other hand, what if he got it into his head to ruin her? (At this point, she wouldn't put it past him to initiate such steps for nothing worse than wearing Muggle clothes to a formal occasion.) He must have connections on both sides, Dark and Light. Although the Dark ones weren't likely to be accomodating any more, as he had betrayed Voldemort, and he himself had alienated most of the Light ones with his rudeness. So, again, not much danger there.

Well, what about a hypothetical relationship's future? If he did accept her, in whatever capacity, it's not like she would have a lot of competition. No jealous wives or girlfriends (mental note: Lenore?), no dependent children (that she knew of), no political aspirations, no worries over scandal. His work was likely to be her only competitor, but according to him, he wasn't involved in any projects or research (which, Hermione thought in another mental aside, she would have to do something about). Teaching, grading essays and Head of House duties took up the lion's share of his time.

Could she see herself (she hesitated even to think such a thing) married to him? Or at least, still with him in five years? Twenty years? Could they have a life together? Those questions were impossible to answer before she got to know him better. Which is what she hoped to do. Soon.