Survivors

CHAPTER 15

Going Back

Hermione was still giddy when she got back to her room. Severus hadn't used an Unforgivable Curse against Dumbledore! Somehow that made her feel better, even though it didn't change the fact that Severus had actually killed him by knocking him back over the wall. She hoped that he'd at least been knocked out by the force of the Expelliarmus. Or whatever it had been. There were certainly other spells that could have the same effect, but that didn't really matter.

So Severus must have spoken the words without truly meaning them, in order to release the telltale green beam, and at the same time non-verbally invoked the Disarming Charm. It would have been a tricky piece of work, requiring total concentration and perfect timing, and there would have been no room for error. She wondered whether he'd planned it like that beforehand. But he couldn't have known that the moment for him to act would come on the top of a tall tower. He must have come up with it on the spur of the moment, knowing that he couldn't muster enough hatred for Dumbledore to make the Curse effective.

And now: what to do with this information? Tell everyone? Publish the true story? She had to admit that, even if it came out that Dumbledore had made Snape promise to kill him, it would do more to make Dumbledore look like a martyr than to make Snape look like a hero. And, although knowing that Snape hadn't used the Avada Kedavra would make the outcome of the trial easier to understand, it wouldn't go a long way toward changing people's opinion of Snape as a murderer. That was a burden that he would continue to bear. The awfulness of it made her actually angry at Dumbledore for asking Severus to do it. She understood intellectually the advantages, and in the end he had been right (tactically, if not morally), but it didn't make it any easier.

She thought she would probably tell people like Ron, Arthur, and Remus. People who knew Severus, and who knew most of the story already.

But what about Severus himself? She didn't think he'd like her knowing, or the fact that she'd gone out of her way to investigate. It was clear now what he'd been hissing at Kingsley during the trial. He hadn't wanted Kingsley to tell the truth about what had happened, and Kingsley had surely known even about the agreement with Dumbledore at that time. But why? Again, stupidity and guilt. He had wanted to be punished. And he had been. He was continuing to punish himself more than any prison could. Hadn't Remus already said that? He had been right.

...xOxOxOx...

At dinner that evening, Hermione was a bundle of nerves. She dropped her fork twice and spilled her pumpkin juice all over the tablecloth, earning herself glares from Severus.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to finish my meal without having to resort to an Impervius spell," he snapped.

"Sorry." She winced, siphoning up the spill with the help of the Tergeo spell. Maybe she shouldn't sit next to him anymore. They never talked anyway, and she was starting to feel bad about leaving Remus alone. Well, not exactly alone: he seemed to have been getting on famously with Minerva, but she still felt like she had been slighting him recently. Additionally, when Professor Sinistra returned on Sunday, she'd probably want to have her regular seat back. There was no hard and fast rule about where the professors sat at the staff table, but habit had a way of dictating behaviour.

Hermione snuck a sidelong glance at Severus. He was sitting with his elbows resting on the arms of his chair, slowly chewing a piece of lamb from the hotpot that was the evening's main course. She was suddenly reminded of him sitting in the defendant's chair, his arms bound by heavy chains. She wanted so much to be able to talk to him about it, but she knew it would just embarrass him, leading to an explosion of temper.

He looked at her then, looking at him, and she gave him a quick smile, then turned back to her own plate.

Remarkable, how she keeps returning despite my repeated outbursts. Bloody obstinate. She would probably say persistent. I wonder how much longer she will continue to be so. I believe only Albus was more obstinate than she. Already, she has pushed it past the point where it will be easy to put her out of my mind. Those looks, those smiles...the other day when she came back from the Forest, and I... what a fool I was! Making more memories and possibilites to torture myself with. I cannot...it is too late.

Snape's jaw hardened and a scowl overtook his features. He dropped his fork and knife onto his plate with a harsh clink and pushed his chair away from the table.

Hermione looked at him anxiously. What had she done now?

Snape stood up and left the room without so much as a word.

Hermione felt her face growing red. She would not cry. She cast a glance toward Remus out of the corner of her eye. He was still for a moment; she didn't know whether he was watching her or not, and she didn't want to look at him all the way to find out. Then he moved, picked up his cup. She tilted her head down a little so that some of her hair fell forward, obscuring his view of her face. She didn't feel like eating anymore, but she didn't want to leave right after Severus; she didn't want anyone to think she was going after him, because this time she certainly wasn't. Maybe she never would again. It wasn't right that he should have so much power over her, be able to control her moods and actions with the slightest word, look or gesture. She knew that. What she didn't know was that she had the same effect on him.

After a few minutes, during which she sat silently, picking at her food, she laid her silverware down and got up to leave. Quietly, Remus did too.

"Hermione," he said gently, catching up to her. "Is there anything wrong? Do you want to talk?"

Of course she did, she ached to, but she couldn't tell him; he would be hurt, and anyway it was all too personal, too intimate. Too many confidences, too many secrets. "Thanks, Remus. I've just had a long day is all." She tried to sound lighthearted, but avoided looking directly at him.

"Hermione." He touched her chin with his finger. "Come on. It's me."

...xOxOxOx...

"Now then," he said, settling stiffly into an armchair. "Tell Uncle Remus all about it."

Hermione squirmed into the corner of Remus's sofa and pulled her legs up under herself. "It's not so easy."

Remus smiled understandingly. "Shall I help?"

Hermione shrugged noncommittally.

He cleared his throat. "You're finding yourself attracted to Severus."

Hermione looked shyly at him. "Is it that obvious?" she asked with a wry smile.

Remus gave her a kindly look. "Only because I know you so well. I don't think you need to worry about being the butt of lunchroom gossip, though."

"I just don't want to...embarrass him. He's... so difficult." She bent her head down and picked at the hem of her robe.

"Yes, he is," Remus agreed. "But you knew that."

"It's not like I went looking for this to happen," she said plaintively.

"One rarely does." His focus drifted away from Hermione, away from that time and place, and he was silent for a moment.

"But now..." She shook her head. "I don't know, it's all so muddled."

Remus returned to the present. "How do you think he feels about it, if I may ask?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," she said helplessly. "Sometimes I'm sure he feels the same way I do. And other times I'm sure he can't stand to be around me."

"Perhaps it is one and the same," Remus suggested.

"What?"

"I'm not saying it is, mind you, but if he really does have certain feelings for you, it might very well be uncomfortable for him to admit it. To you, certainly, but also to himself."

"Do you think that will ever change? Do you think there's any chance at all...?"

"You might want to consult Sibyll on that one," he said with a twinkle in her eye.

Hermione snorted, glad for the release of humour, then went on, "Oh, Merlin, Remus, I don't know. I realized tonight how I keep seeking his approval, and I don't like being that way. I realized that I've been neglecting our friendship in order to make time for him, and he doesn't even care, and that's not fair either. And practically every time we're together, he gets in a temper and tries to blame me for it. I'm smart enough to see that those are not promising signs for a healthy relationship."

"I'm glad you've realized it yourself," Remus said seriously. "I think you set out to try and change him, which is probably a doomed undertaking. But I'd hate to see you end up changing yourself instead."

"I know, you're right. You're right. But still...there's something there. I think I could be good for him, if he'd let me. And, strange as it may sound, I think he could be good for me as well."

"How so?" Remus looked at her curiously.

"Well, first of all, he's at least as smart as me. I love Ron to death, don't get me wrong, but it just never felt right, knowing that I was smarter than him. There were so many things I had to explain to him, you know, innuendos and hidden meanings he didn't get. Conversations with him just got so frustrating. I think Severus would challenge me, keep me striving to do better. Not that I'd want to be in competition with him; I think our interests are just divergent enough that we'd never be in direct competition with each other. But I'd like to be appreciated for my brains, rather than envied or tolerated."

"Yes, I believe I can see that. Anything else?"

"Well..." Hermione flicked her eyes up at Remus and then back down, unsure how to put it. "There's just some...I don't know, magnetism, I suppose you'd call it. Just whenever I'm near him, it's like zing! You know?"

Remus cleared his throat. "Yes, I believe I know what you're talking about," he said with a small smile.

"I'm not saying that that can be the sole basis for a relationship," she quickly added. "I-- Well, I've had my experience with that, and believe me, I won't be going down that road again too soon. But without that... Then you've just got a friendship, haven't you."

"Yes, you have," he acknowledged. "A very precious friendship." It was clear to both of them that that pretty much described her and Remus' relationship.

Hermione smiled, a little embarrassed, then got up and went over to Remus, hugged him and knelt down beside his chair. "I'm sorry to burden you with this. You don't want to hear about my sordid love life."

"Not at all. I'm finding it highly entertaining. Besides, Severus is one of my oldest friends."

Hermione raised her eyebrows.

"All right, one of my oldest... Well, what would you call him? Acquaintance is too casual. I practically grew up with the man, worked with him in the Order and at Hogwarts for most of my adult life. I may know him better than any one else alive. I never wished him any ill; on the contrary, I hope that he does find happiness, however he may define that."

"I know something about him that you don't know," Hermione said, resting her chin on the arm of his chair.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me; he has a birthmark shaped like a herring on his left hip."

Hermione frowned and laughed. "No, nothing like that! No." She became serious. "I went to the Ministry of Magic today."

She proceeded to relate what she had found out about Severus' trial.

When she had finished, Remus looked down at her somberly. "That does make things clearer."

"But he obviously didn't want anyone to know about it. I think he actually hoped he would be found guilty."

"As do I. But luckily, he had good friends in Minerva and Kingsley, among others, surely, who wouldn't let that happen."

"It was still an awful thing for him to have to do."

"I wouldn't have wished it on him."

"I want him to know that I know. I don't like knowing something about him and having to keep it a secret from him."

"I would agree that keeping secrets is a poor way to establish trust in a relationship."

...xOxOxOx...

"Now do you want to tell me what's got you in such a huff, luv?" Lenore rolled over onto her side and placed one hand on Snape's chest. He was still wearing his shirt.

"No, I bloody well do not!" he snapped. "If I were interested in unburdening my soul, I would be down sitting at the bar in the Hog's Head."

"It's just that I can't help noticing you've been here twice this week, rarin' to go both times. You wouldn't be succumbing to my charms, now, not after all this time?" She grinned at him cheekily and pinched his pectoral muscle through the shirt.

He batted her hand away and frowned. "If you are going to start being tiresomely chatty, I will have to take my business elsewhere. Now give me a moment, and then I'll be on my way."

"Don't be silly, you and I both know no one else would have you," she sighed in a bored way.

Snape pushed her away roughly and swung his legs around so he could sit up with his back to her. "No, they won't," he snarled, "but that doesn't mean I'm getting attached to you."

Lenore gasped and sat up as well, letting the sheet fall away and exposing her naked torso. "Oh, no, that's not what I meant at all, luv! Honestly I didn't. I just meant-- I was kidding, you know, I only meant that no other professional would-- you know, in a teasing way, I didn't mean that no other woman would--"

"But they don't, do they," he spat, his voice full of self-loathing. "Which is why I am forced to seek out your company, if I can call it that." He summoned his pants and trousers and began to pull them on.

"Oh luv, I'm sorry, truly." Lenore bit her lower lip. "Look. Honestly? I-- I reckon I'm just a wee bit jealous. I've had you to myself for so long, and I... well, I can tell when there's another woman involved."

Snape turned to look at Lenore, his eyes flashing dangerously. "What do you mean by that?"

"Look, usually when a client comes to see me more often than usual, it's one of two things. Either he's under stress at work or at home, or he's being frustrated in the love department. Now in the first case, he tends to...well, need a bit more coaxing along. In the second case, he's usually done before I even get my clothes off. Well." She spread her hands as if to say that the case was clear.

"You're wrong, it's nothing like that," Snape scowled, reaching down to slip his feet into his boots.

"Oh. Well, good. Cause I'd hate for you to end up happy."

"There will be no danger of that." He stood and pulled on his robes.

Lenore walked over to the edge of the bed on her knees, oblivious of the fact that she was completely nude, and reached up to do his buttons. "Whoever she is, she's nuts if she doesn't fall for you. I mean, look at you: good job, great health, still young--"

"You've forgotten my good looks and mild temper," he said, quirking an eyebrow.

Lenore laughed. "And a wicked sense of humour. So seriously, is there someone? Merely professional interest, I need to know whether to keep an hour open for you next week or not."

Snape stared over her head. "It is...an impossibility. I am sure you will be seeing me again."

...xOxOxOx...

It was dark outside as Snape walked the road back to Hogwarts.

How pitiful am I, that the one person with whom I can even consider discussing my situation is a whore. Not a friend, certainly not a lover. Sex is not love. Not that I have any right to speak of a knowledge of love. I have never truly had either one in my life: a friend or a lover. Which makes this...situation...with Hermione all the more accursed. She wants, I believe, to be both. I can't be, don't know how to be, either one. I believe I have hurt her already, which isn't surprising, as it's all I know how to do well. If she doesn't give up soon, I am afraid that something truly distressing will happen. If she does give up... Gods help me, can I admit that in my heart of hearts (perhaps I do have one after all), I don't want her to?