The Great Humbug

The Great Humbug

Author's Note: Credit due to L. Frank Baum for a plot element based on The Wizard of Oz. However, this is not a crossover. This was written for (and lost) challenge 8 of harrypotter_las.

"I wish I knew where Dumbledore was," Harry fretted as the three friends passed through the entrance hall.

Hermione stroked the orange half-kneazle in her arms. "Be patient. Dumbledore knows what he's doing. He's probably gathering memories. Or maybe he's found--" She checked to make sure no one was listening. "-- a Horcrux!"

As they passed by the Great Hall, Crookshanks perked his ears and yowled softly. "What is it, Crooks?" Hermione crooned.

"Why are you carrying that thing around with you anyway?" Ron asked.

"Don't start, Ron--" Hermione began, but Harry held up his hand.

"Is that--" he asked, putting an ear to the giant double doors. "I think I hear Dumbledore. I'm going to check..." He eased one of the doors open.

As he did so, Crookshanks catapulted himself out of Hermione's arms and through the opening. "Crookshanks!" Hermione shrieked.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Perfect. Suppose you've got to fetch him now."

Hermione glared at him before slipping into the Great Hall. The boys exchanged resigned glances before following.

Professor Dumbledore stood up in front behind the lectern, giving what sounded like a grand speech. The odd thing was, the hall was empty, aside from the three Gryffindors.

Crookshanks bolted along the wall toward the front of the room, Hermione in hot pursuit.

"... blunderbuss, moustaches, flange, and nonce ..." Dumbledore announced, his arms spread wide.

"Crookshanks! Come here, naughty boy!" Hermione hissed as her familiar jumped up behind the teachers' table and began batting at the tassles of a tapestry.

"Psst, stop that! Go away," Dumbledore continued in the same stentorian tone.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir." Hermione appeared mortified as she crawled behind the table to get her cat.

Dumbledore only now seemed to take note of them. He turned around, rather stiffly. When he saw where Hermione was, his eyes widened. "No, Harry Potter's fr-- I mean, Miss Granger! Come out. There is nothing of interest there."

"I'd love to, sir, it's just that Crookshanks here--" She managed to get both hands around his fluffy body, but he in turn dug his claws into the tapestry and growled.

"Do-- Dumbledore is afraid he -- that is, I, must insist--" the Headmaster stuttered.

"If you'll just give me one second, sir," Hermione grunted, tugging at Crookshanks.

"Let him go," Ron advised. "He'll find his way back. Or get eaten by something in the dungeons," he added under his breath to Harry.

"I heard that," Hermione said shrilly, and with a great yank, she pulled Crookshanks away from the wall, the tapestry flying away from its fastenings with him.

"Dobby!" Harry exclaimed.

There, in a previously hidden niche, sat the little house-elf, his bulbous eyes staring up in horror, a miniature megaphone in one wrinkled hand. Upon being discovered, Dobby burst out wailing and pulled at his floppy ears.

"Noooo! Students mustn't know! Dobby must Obliviate-- Noooo! Dobby cannot Obliviate the great Harry Potter!" He banged his head against the wall.

"Dobby, no! Stop!" Harry reached out to restrain him. "What are you talking about?"

Ron tapped Harry's shoulder. "Mate? I think you should see this..." He pointed at the Headmaster, who was diligently hitting his head against the lectern.

"What in the world is going on here?" Hermione demanded. Crookshanks now reclined peacefully in her arms, a smug expression on his face.

"Professor Dumbledore, sir?" Harry ventured.

"No, Harry Potter, that is not Dumbledore!" Dobby sobbed and snapped his fingers.

Harry frowned as the Headmaster straightened, his arms hanging at his sides and a vacant look in his eyes. "Then who is it? Where's Dumbledore?"

Hermione circled the wizard, waving her hands in front of his face and finally taking out her wand and muttering various spells and incantations.

"My God, he's right. This is a simulacrum!" She whirled around and confronted Dobby. "Where is Dumbledore?"

Dobby cringed. "Please, Harry Potter's friend. It wasn't Dobby's idea. Totsy usually plays Dumbledore, but Totsy caught the Heebie-Jeebies and hasn't been able to this year. That is why Dumbledore is often 'away'. We elves take turns now, but it's very hard for Dobby to talk like wizards and make the big body move, so Dobby was practicing."

"Let me get this straight," Hermione said, incredulous. "You and the other elves have been manipulating a simulacrum to represent Professor Dumbledore -- what, while he's away?"

Dobby shook his head, his ears flapping. "No. Always. Hogwarts' elves have been playing Dumbledore for almost thirty years."

"What!" the three friends exclaimed.

"You mean there never was a Dumbledore?" Ron asked.

Dobby nodded vigorously. "Oh yes! There certainly was. A great wizard! But he got old and died. It was in the first days of Voldemort, and house-elves didn't want a new headmaster who might make them do Dark things."

"So they made this simulacrum and pretended Dumbledore was still alive. Brilliant," Hermione said, clearly impressed. Then she frowned. "But wrong, Dobby! Very wrong!"

Dobby moaned and pulled his ears. "Dobby knows! But we cannot end it now! Not with Voldemort back!"

"You have to end it," Hermione insisted. "Do none of the staff know?"

Dobby blinked. "Only one: Snape. He saw that Dumbledore's mind wasn't right."

"And obviously he doesn't see anything wrong with the Headmaster being puppeted by a bunch of house-elves," Ron commented. "Makes sense why he's been getting away with murder all these years. He's got the bloody run of the place."

"Dobby!" Hermione said sternly. "The Ministry won't let Voldemort's minions take over Hogwarts. If you don't let poor Dumbledore rest in peace, I'll go to the Ministry myself."

Dobby nodded glumly. "Miss is right."

"I'll bet Professor Snape would even help," Hermione suggested. "What?" she said in answer to the boys' disgusted looks. "It's not like he'd have to kill anyone. Honestly!"