Impossible is Nothing

Impossible is Nothing

Carve your heart out yourself
Hopelessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times?

Ginny Weasley. Sitting there by the fire, and yet still so cold.

It's not as though she wasn't talking or laughing, because she was. But there it was again, that lonely second, so slight an instant that only a close observer could see it. That moment in which Ginny would stare at the wall over the window of the tower but not see it. Lost within herself, her thoughts unknown to anyone, but her a look of complete isolation and lost ness in her eyes for a moment, until a joke or question from one of the many sixth-years sitting in that happy group on the floor just to the left of the fireplace brought her harshly back.

It's not as though Ginny wasn't a happy girl. She was, really, but that didn't change the fact that no one knew her. She neither needed nor wanted them to, except in her few weakest moments, hidden behind the deep red curtains surrounding her four-poster bed, when she allowed herself to dream. Not the dreams of sleep, but the dreams of the little girl who Ginny desperately missed and prayed hadn't been completely lost.

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all

Ginny's dreams meant so much to her, far more than she would ever dare to let anyone know. Her closest friends would never know her fantasies of being secure in someone else. Ginny spent many idle hours imagining a future. Many converging futures, in fact. Some in which she had spectacular and happy weddings, where she would be so certain of forever. There were futures where she lived to old age in a house with a big porch and best friends who shared everything, with kids, maybe even a little girl named Molly with Raven hair and chocolate-green hazel eyes, or a pair of her own red-headed twins to give her gray hairs, who grew up into beautiful people while she and a partner watched and helped. These futures were special ones, because normal simply wasn't possible as things were too chaotic and hectic and just happy. In these futures she'd go sky-diving and bungy-jumping and never be afraid. She dreamed of a future where she was so successful and everyone was so proud of everything she'd done and she deserved their pride. But Ginny's most important dream was where she was just held and loved and supported in simply everything she was. Someone would be there when she was down, willing to try everything and anything to get her back up again. When she was a bitch, as she often was, that someone could understand and know how to make her feel better (for her moods were positively notorious at Hogwarts by now, and although she was known to have brains, her emotions more than not, tended to get the best of her). She had story-book castles in the skies, in which a single person could hold all of her joy and pain and temper and rather fiery passions and still have room to love her so completely that it hurt to breathe...but Ginny couldn't let herself believe in that. It would hurt so much when she couldn't have any of it. It would be so much better if she didn't want it. Oh, but she wanted it so bad. She still does, but she'll never tell...it will just stay a constant ache inside of her. She knows fairytales aren't real. She also knows she believes them too much already. Ginny tries so hard to remain thinking in terms of reality, which she knows she tends to blur the lines on. It's impossible to have everything. Ginny wants so bad to forget what she can't have.

Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

Over the past few weeks Harry has been sharing himself with Ginny. Little by little she knows more about him than anyone else ever has. Including Harry himself. But he knows nothing of her. She's made sure of that. Sure he knows about her, Virginia Weasley, of the secret smile and inner self. He saw the wall she had hidden deep inside herself, for which we must grant him points. He knew that the closer he got, the harder and taller the walls would become, while the Ginny outside the wall became softer and more forgiving. But the wall was there and Harry somehow knew, as a certainty, that there was nothing he would love more than to breach those walls, to be let inside. He knew that she would only ever let one person in. What he didn't know was that she didn't think that person existed. Ginny felt herself wanting to trust Harry. She also felt the inner voice cautioning- no screaming- that he wouldn't be here for her always. She mustn't forget that everything she wanted was impossible. Especially now, when she was so close to giving up her defenses. She could not afford to make that mistake. He would take her heart, but in a normal way, and it just wouldn't be enough. He'd leave her heart and she'd be left unarmed, with shattered dreams and having to face harsh reality. She knew that.

Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

If they had known about the wall, everyone would've assumed the wall was there because of Tom. That, after all was the only tragedy of her sixteen yearlong life. He is the only one who could've possibly hurt her that much. No one else could; they didn't have access to her heart, or mind. No one else would; after all, she was Ginny Weasley, the formerly sweet innocent, the now sometimes pain in the ass, hard-ass, with attitude issues, who was never the less someone who was respected, even occasionally admired or loved. They all would've overlooked the truth. Tom didn't even have the power to do as much damage as someone else did. But that damage was done, Ginny's trust obliterated, and the loving girl left, seemingly permanently, up in arms. It was someone no one would suspect. The one who truly hurt Ginny was Ginny. Telling herself things that hurt. Carving her own heart out, not realizing the damage until it was far too late.

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone

Ginny had decided that she could no longer allow Harry to remain this close to her. It was dangerous. She caught herself almost hoping of a future with him that was impossible. It could only hurt. So she pushed him away, retreating fully behind her wall. She no longer sat with him by the fire or chatted with him at lunch. She barely talked to him, except to reply to his probing queries with brief impersonal answers. When he asked her if she even cared anymore she told him no, of course she didn't. And no one even saw the way her heart shattered as she crushed her dreams and hopes that even she knew were irrational, but she secretly harbored anyway. No one saw because of the wall. She knew it hurt him too, because he left then, and she knew she had been right. He left, and he had been hurt. But to keep dreaming would've hurt worse when the illusion was gone, so she didn't care how much hurt she caused Harry. Or herself. Ginny Weasley: Ice Queen.

Ginny went back to life before Harry. Sitting by the fireplace with friends. Never warm, but safe from hope. Hope, which brought so much joy, cutting away the darkness, but only until the double-edged sword came back to cut her when the hope proved false.

Ginny was asleep on the couch. She opened her eyes to see Harry sitting there watching her sleep. He said that it didn't matter what she said. He wouldn't leave. He was here, despite her words. She couldn't believe it. How could he stay? Never leaving was impossible. Ginny didn't mean to speak aloud. Maybe she didn't. But Harry somehow knew to tell her the one thing to open the crack in the wall so he could get through. The one thing that could make her hope for the impossible dreams she wants so badly. He told her that impossible doesn't exist for them. Impossible is nothing.

But I'm not, I will stay where you are always

Four and a half years later Ginny dances with Harry at their wedding reception and he tells her that she is beautiful and he loves her and she believes him. He's the only one who's ever truly made her believe. The dance floor is filled with all the people Ginny can truthfully love now that the wall is gone. Ginny doesn't think it will ever come back. She closes her eyes and leans on Harry's shoulder as Chris Carrabba sings their wedding song and anthem. Maybe a song title such as Carve Your Heart Out Yourself seems unconventional to some people, but Ginny doesn't care. She never wanted normal, and it makes sense to her.

I will stay, I will stay, I will stay

Twenty years down the road Ginny will sit on her porch with her husband, Harry. She will feel secure and loved as she watches her daughter plays quidditch in the back yard with her next-door neighbor (who happened to be her best friend)'s, children. She will be amazed at the way they are all so chaotic and happy. The one raven haired Weasley-Potter girl will combine with the eight Granger-Weasley kids to create quite the brood. As she hears her daughters name being shouted(" Come on Molly, Make this save!") she will realize she has everything she used to believe was impossible. She will tell her husband that this all feels perfect, abnormal, warm, like a dream. Almost like it was impossible. Ginny will know the answer Harry will give even before he says it.

"Gin, Impossible is nothing."