Vanilla-Scented Smoke

Vanilla-Scented Smoke
Chapter Two: Intentions Revealed
In which things fall to pieces and are hastily put back together

If Severus was confused, Remus was doing even worse. What the hell had made Snape want to run off to Italy with him? It was like a really bad movie, and too corny to sit well with Lupin, as secretly happy as he was about it.

They had only kissed once, and for the benefit of his masculine dignity, Lupin decided to cringe when he thought of it. He had been drinking more than was healthy; so, he assumed, had Severus. But drunk or not,Lupin had, well, loved it. He had continued to walk on air the next morning, too, long after the liquor and wine had worn off. Of course, he had never mentioned it again. He was too nervous, in one word, and besides, it was an issue of faux pas. He had never had a girlfriend when he was at school - while his friends had chased after witches all the time, while they dated tirelessly and counted it a victory, a prize, a tally mark, to go to the Astronomy Tower and not do much stargazing, he had sat out and instead kept his face buried in a book. A book stayed where you left it and did what you asked of it; old paper smelt much better than scented lotion and nylon stockings and lipstick. While Remus was by no means a coward, he had never had the courage to talk to girls, so they had eventually lost their appeal. They stayed inside their metaphorical display cases, where it's only worth it to look at them if you have the money or looks or charisma in your pocket to lure them. They were prizes that other men had won but Remus had never wanted. He couldn't see the point.

But now that he was spending so much time around Severus - even more than when he had been teaching - he was noticing things. His mannerisms, the way he was billowy almost to the point of being graceful, his straight posture, his intelligence, his love and appreciation of his art. Snape wasn't attractive, not by any stretch, but he wasn't the slimy git he had been when they were in school. They had both change since then. Remus was less shy, although not by much; he would never dream of approaching him, of course - he was afraid. Besides, there was no chance Snape liked him in return. It was like a petty schoolyard crush that everyone else had obsessed over and giggled about back in his first and second years. Not that either Snape or Lupin knew it - they had never been involved with that business; they had both skipped completely over that part of their lives, opting for maturity instead of love.

While Lupin's feelings had flared after that one spectacular kiss on New Years, he reasoned, Snape's had likely died down - if they'd even existed at all. Lupin hadn't bothered to get his hopes up - life had disappointed him too many times. The only girlfriend he'd ever had, in college, had been kind and understanding at first, but she was only human. After time, she had grown unwilling to slow down for him, and he had been reluctant to move any faster than he had previously, which was nearly at a standstill. They'd never gotten anywhere, not past shy (in his part) kisses at her doorstep and a guilty grope once at the biggest party of the year, where they had been sitting in the corner for no other reason than because he was too scared to dance - probably the only thing that scared him. Fear of females was characteristic to him; weakness in other fields was not. So all he'd had was an occasional, tentative snog and one guilty stroking session. He'd never passed that - with anyone.

He seemed to have skipped over that part of his life, too: the part where he was at his peak. His college years, when people party until dawn, when they drink their age in shots, when they are ruled by their libidos and go through girls like they go through hair gel. Lupin had never done that. He had opted out of that part of the Human Experience.

Sweet, shy, sensitive, quiet Moony was completely and pathetically inexperienced. And now he was more than thirty years old and had surrounded himself in books, having resigned himself quietly to dying without ever finding out what it was like.

That didn't bother him unduly; he had relinquished all of those desires when he discovered that they were simply impossible - just something to think about, and then, only occasionally, like in the shower or when he was waiting to fall asleep, but never expect to happen in real life. What did bother him, though, was the fact that he had never understood real romance. While the idealist part of his brain, the one that was stronger in him than in other people, screamed that sex was the ultimate expression of love, they did seem split in his mind: the one seemed petty while as for the other, he was sorry he had never experienced it. And now there was the possibility someone liked him, and it had to turn out wrong and be a man. Albeit one he had return feelings for, maybe. He couldn't help thinking that it was sweet, in an unusual kind of way.

Now that Severus was practically wrapping Remus up in his arms (as he imagined it), dragging him along on a holiday in romantic Italy... it was like Remus's timid little dreams being culminated. Never mind that little issue of their both being male, for now. Suddenly, it seemed completely irrelevant, especially next to such important events as his life taking a complete turn. It wasn't as if the concept was entirely unheard of. A flicker of hope began to work its way into his thoughts. And the more he nursed that hope, the more real his future with Severus seemed. "It's finally happening," he whispered to himself, almost too quietly for even him to hear. His voice, he imagined, was full of happy complacency that belied a thick anticipation. He didn't dare to say it any louder than a sub-whisper, afraid to blow the hope-flame out. Lupin smiled slowly, serenely, with the knowledge that after more than thirty years, things were finally going his way -- and his ambiguously childish dreams were starting to come true.

---

Lupin was ready for Snape the next day. He said his piece quickly but not fearfully: "I'll go to Italy with you, Severus."

Snape nodded. "Good" was all he could manage. In a few weeks his... friend would be safe.

Lupin gathered his courage and continued speaking the words he had been rehearsing despite himself. "Thank you for giving us this chance."

Snape started. Did Lupin know about the edict? "Of course I'd do this for you," he said. In a moment of friendliness he patted Lupin's arm reassuringly. "I should think you'll be safe there." He was slightly disgusted that his good mood - the one induced by rather an amusing detention the previous evening - was spilling over into his tone and actions, but some things couldn't be helped.

"Well, I don't know how to thank you," Remus said again, smiling. He meant it, even if it was hard for him to sound sincere. He touched Severus's arm as well, and blinked, now trying to keep his face neutral. "I never would be brave enough to do anything like it."

Severus had to admit, he was talking a risk. But (and it must have been the detention talking, he told himself) it was worth it, for someone like Lupin. But what was it about Lupin that made him worth risking his reputation for? "Anything for you, Remus," he said before he could stop himself. He wasn't sure which annoyed him more - the stupid sentiment, or the use of his given name.

He didn't have much time to ponder, because before either knew what he was doing, Remus had leaned forward and was kissing Severus's lips.

Just as quickly, Severus was kissing Remus back.

And they both enjoyed it - they were enjoying it, and they weren't even drunk! - and for each of them, it was a break from the tension and worry they had been feeling about each other. What's more, each was thinking, "I'm so glad he started this," because neither really knew the other's motives.

The kiss would have ended on its own after a couple of seconds - but a door behind Snape opened and slammed shut, and suddenly Sirius Black was standing on the stairs. He looked down for a moment at his old enemy making a complete fool of himself in the middle of the hallway, kissing--

Who was that? Could've been Tonks, if she was having a brown hair day. But who would kiss Snape? thought Sirius.

"Which witch are you snogging with now, Snivelly?" he interrupted loudly.

They sprang apart guiltily at the sound of his voice. Snape whirled around and put his hands in his pockets; they had been hanging unobtrusively at his sides. Their intruder saw who the victim had been: Moony. Sirius froze. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked, his eyes shocked and wide with righteous anger.

Lupin turned red. He, at that point, would have been very happy to melt into soup and seep through the floor, never to be seen again. His best friend in the world had caught him snogging his worst enemy - and a man, at that. But he steadied himself. Things are out in the open now, he remembered. Or at least, they will be soon. I can say it.

Sirius was still vocalizing stridently, and Snape started to sneer, "How like you to stare-" when Lupin interrupted loudly, "We're going to Italy together."

The other two men stilled their raised voices instantly. There was a surprised pause, after which Sirius breathed, "You keep surprising me, Moony." He couldn't say anything else. He looked at the pair, his mouth hanging open slightly. Finally he found his voice, and used it to say menacingly, "How unlike you, Snivellus, to arrange a romantic holiday abroad."

"Don't for a second think that's what it is," Snape said bitingly.

Lupin frowned at him and asked meekly, "What's it for, then?"

An uneasy silence of two or three seconds followed, in which the expressions stayed frozen momentarily on the men's faces. Sirius looked almost as if he wanted to laugh at his friend's predicament.

Snape scowled, ending the still frame by pouring out his mounting headache onto the unfortunate man who had pushed him over the edge. "Why, Lupin, is each and every one of your kind so monumentally stupid? We are going to Italy simply because you are a werewolf. For some reason I can't fathom, some people don't like you." His condescending words, enunciated with grating clarity, and his supercilious glare were forever in synch with the calm sarcasm he still managed to hold when angry. He was exhaling ice that grew colder with every accusation. "We are leaving because you are not wanted here. Because your kind is a menace to society. Because they are going to take every one of you freaks and gas you like the Nazis did." He leaned closer to Lupin and disdainfully spat the next sentence in his face. "Because everyone just hates you."

Lupin looked at Snape, his face nearly neutral for a few moments. Then said, fiercely, "You liar."

"It's not a lie, Lupin," Snape said, shaking his head in a manner that would have seemed sympathetic, if he hadn't been a hateful creep. Instead, it just looked cold and impatient. "Everybody in the whole country wants your kind out of their hair for good. Fudge and his Death Eater friends were very enthusiastic about the idea, and I can say with confidence that the rest of the country will be as well. I am beginning to regret making any effort to save you, Lupin. Why should I when you're going to get so immature and hopeful over a simple gesture? I think the next time you insist on acting like such an insufferable imbecile, I will abandon any arrangements I may have made. Surely they are not worth it for a specimen such as yourself."

He turned and saw Sirius, still on the stairs, watching with what might have been horror. "Get out of here, Black," he said harshly.

The man didn't move.

"Please, Sirius," Lupin pleaded quietly. "Please just leave."

And reluctantly, Sirius did.

Severus turned back to Remus, ready to launch another slew of hard-hitting insults that would catch the man under his guard and rip down the dreams he had built up since last night, but before he could--

"You bloody liar," Remus said again. "Why the hell would you trick me like that?"

Snape said nothing and tried to manage a sneer.

"Why would you lie to me and drag me off to that hellhole and then dump me in the gutter? What's in it for you, you bastard?"

Again, Snape didn't answer.

Lupin asked louder, breathing still ragged, "Why the hell did you kiss me back?"

Severus responded, almost contemptuously, "Why not?" And he kissed him again, very sweetly and softly and with a delicious smile.

---

They were only together for a few minutes, but they were the warmest moments of Remus's life. The sorry thing had never felt anything so sweet before, and he couldn't quite stop himself from melting into Severus's mouth, into his closed eyes, into his soft and tentative hands. The instant their lips met a warmth made its way through his body and enshrouded him in a fuzzy blanket of deep satisfaction and an interesting emotion that made him feel like jelly; it seemed as if the chill March air in the house was cast down by the aura of body heat around him. Severus's tongue was a catechism - he was sparking something inside Remus - and his hands were so, so warm. It made his body writhe restlessly while their hot mouths were content to be locked together. But he had never felt so moved before - his hands didn't know where to go, so they simply ran their way desperately up and down Severus's arms while the man grasped his elbows firmly. When they pulled apart and Remus opened his eyes, they were full of unshed tears of astonishment. "I'm sorry," Severus whispered, his voice warm and soft and hoarse and his lips hot and wet, before they kissed again. After they let go, achingly, they stood there, inches apart, looking at each other, for an immeasurable length of time before Remus closed his eyes again and they finally had to part - yet they did so tenderly, and with an unhurried air, so that none of the heat escaped.

Snape Disapparated and it left Remus dreadfully cold and aching to warm up again.