All I Ever Needed

All that you have
And you really have nothing
To show for the life that's your own
Suddenly you realise
That this world has no meaning
And you are left alone

Hurt Conveyor, Fear Factory

The Hogwarts Express had just left Kings Cross station, and was filled with pupils - those glad to be going back to school as well as those nervous about starting their first year. One boy wasn't even thinking of school. He sat in a darkened compartment, staring fixedly at the wall opposite. His face was covered in bruises and slowly-healing cuts, his lip had been burst, but it was his eyes that showed the most pain.

Severus Snape blinked slowly, willing the emotion out of his eyes. Why had he sat in here? He didn't want any of his friends to see him, true enough, but he certainly did not need to be hassled by Sirius Black, the foolish boy. What right did he have to try and kick him out of this compartment? He had as much right to be on the train as any of them, any of Black and Potter's idiot gang of Gryffindors. Glancing at the doorway as a minor commotion went on, Potter's girlfriend - Lily, Severus remembered - entered the car. She looked from Black to him, then frowned at him, and walked closer.

"Snape - Severus," she corrected - that was right, they must be on a first-name basis if she were to be properly pitying. "Are you alright?" She asked, with goddamned concern over what was none of her business.

"I'm fine," he said, voice as cold and emotionless as he could make it. If only he hadn't sat in here. Black's ranting he could cope with easily, but concern, maybe even sympathy? No, anything but that. Not now. Trying to make himself as icy as he'd made his voice, he added; "As I've been telling this fool," he hissed, pointing at Sirius, I don't see why you can't cope with another individual in your compartment. And believe me, I wouldn't be here if there was room anywhere else. Why would I want to share a compartment with idiots and a werewolf-"

Black was screaming in outrage at him, and Snape wondered what right he had to do that. He wouldn't have even known Lupin was a lycanthrope if it wasn't for him. And the two had almost been friends before that.

Black made a movement for him, but Lily stopped him, muttering angrily at him. And then, just to make the whole day worse, Potter came in. Damn it! Could this day get any worse? Cursing the lack of wisdom that had made him choose this compartment in the first place, he wondered how he could get out without his battered face being seen.

"Snape, why don't you just leave?" That was Potter. Taking control of the situation, as always. But Lily hushed him and walked over to Snape. He looked away, desperately not wanting the Gryffindor girl to see the state he was in. It would be one thing for his friends to see him - it would just be one more time for them - but for these golden, perfect Gryffindors to have a reason to mock him? He didn't think he could stand that.

"You're being an idiot, Severus," she told him, then completely unexpectedly brushed his hair out of his face, and gasped, stepping back, horrified no doubt at the black eye, bruises and the long, nasty cut that ran down the right side of his face, eyebrow to jaw. "Severus, what-"

No! He couldn't take it, not to have the boys see him like this, nor her sympathy. Snape pushed Pettigrew out of the way as he stormed from the compartment. The small boy squeaked, but Severus ignored him. How dare Black speak to him like that? And what had his father beating him got to do with that damned Evans girl? Fixing his jaw, Snape threw himself into a seat facing a wall where no-one could see the state of his face. He could feel it though. It ached terribly, but it didn't hurt as much as the memory of it happening. His father wanted him to do well, that was all. And Severus had disappointed him. Again. Closing his eyes, Severus sighed. He'd done that a lot lately.

It wasn't his fault. Black and Potter were smart - he'd heard McGonagall say they were the two smartest pupils she'd ever taught. Of course, she was biased towards Gryffindor, having been one herself, but still - how could he compare to that? He did his best. His father couldn't expect more. But he did. And Severus just wasn't good enough.

Don't you dare start crying, Snape, he told himself angrily. You're seventeen. And you didn't do well enough. Work hard, and beat Potter and Black in these NEWTs. Father'll be proud of you then. His heart didn't believe it, but he made himself get a book out and start reading it. It was his Potions book - his favourite class, and his best. And he'd do damn well in these exams. He had to.

"Severus?" A familiar voice called his name, and he looked over without thinking. Rob Lestrange and his girlfriend, Lenore were stood there. Seeing his face, Lenore laughed, a nasal sound that went through Severus like fingernails down a blackboard.

"Ooops, did you fall off your broomstick again?"

"Drop dead, Lenore," he hissed at her, glaring.

"Hey, you two, calm down," Rob said, though he was obviously only just managing to restrain himself. "Er, we'll see you around, Severus," Rob said, and almost ran away, so eager to go and tell the others. Severus still heard him laughing. Glaring out of the window, he caught his reflection as a tear ran down his face. He wiped it away angrily, causing himself agony, but he merely bit down on his swollen lip and looked back at his Potions book. He'd show them. All of them.