What Love Is

That night, Remus collapsed onto the comfiest, biggest and, without a doubt, oldest and tattiest, sofa in the common room. Peter watched him from the armchair by the fire.

"Have fun today?" he asked, without the sarcasm he sensed would have been present had Sirius or James asked him the same question.

"Yeah, it was alright. You?" Remus had no idea why he was questioning Peter about his day.

"Yeah, it was good. Do we have any homework? I think Professor Stickle set us some, but I can't remember..."

To be honest, Remus had no idea whether he had homework or not, so he tried to change the subject.

"Peter, who do you think's going to win the Quidditch league?"

Remus sat silent whilst Peter gave him his views, not really listening. Remus wasn't a huge fan of the game. It was all a good laugh, of course, but it was all a little crazy, people being killed for a game where you chase a few balls around a field whilst on a broom.

Remus let his mind wander. He wandered off to the place he used to visit as a child, his imaginary world where everyone lived forever, and no one was treated differently forever. Just as he was settling into his own daydreams, a voice cut through.

"How about you?"

"Huh? Oh, how about me? Well, I don't really...I-I don't really know anything about Quidditch - "

"Ah, okay," beamed Peter, as he fell into a long rant about the rules of Quidditch. Remus may not know much, but he knew this much. Well, whatever pleases Peter.

Lupin was exhausted from the afternoon with Lily, and as he stared into the glowing embers, bright and alive, dancing with glee, his eyes began to tire, the images around him melting into one blur.

His mind began to wander again, far back, back, before Hogwarts, before the Marauders, before he was truly happy. He saw flashes of memories, memories of the bite, memories of his friends finding out. Memories of being at outcast, memories of parents ushering their children out of his way whenever he walked past. He was the freak; the wolf child. They knew very well that, during 27 days he was a normal, healthy little boy. He was just that, yet they were always precarious, acting as though he was contagious, as though one look from his laser eyes, and their own children would be howling at midnight.

For years, he had no friends, no one took pity on him. The children just followed their parents' orders, or the actions of the other children, and treated him as though they were going to catch some kind of disgusting disease from him, let alone the Werewolf curse. It would have been better had they bullied him, but they didn't even acknowledge his presence, let alone tease him. He still tried to make them notice him, tried to make them want to play with him, to be his friend, to be on his side. After a while, he gave up trying to play with the other children, trying to make friends, and played on his own. Sometimes he played with the little children in his head, the make belief boys and girls that were kind to him, would play chase with him in the fields, push him on the rope swing at the bottom of his garden, climb the rocks in the field with him.

Then, as soon as his childhood came to an end, so started a new chapter of his life. He was put on a train, along with an owl and a large trunk filled with books, clothes, robes and various other magical instruments. A train which would take him to the place where his life would really start; Hogwarts. The place where futures were forged, education was dealt with, and fun was the name of the game. School. Only better.

For the first ten minutes of the journey, Remus began to think that this was going to be just like the rest of his life; lonely. It didn't worry him, didn't panic him. He was used to being alone, used to having to escape to his imaginary world, where people loved him for being him, not for being a werewolf once a month. Ten minutes of his life, where he'd rather he was someone else, somewhere else maybe, but he was okay with who he really was, where else. It was a weird feeling, but he was adjusting. Then, suddenly, a face appeared, as lost and lonely looking as his own. And Remus had a friend, his first friend for five or six years, a friend who he appreciated enough to not want to tell him the truth, not want to tell him everything about his past, his dirty little secret.

But when James Potter walked into Remus Lupin's life, he wasn't planning on not being his friend, just because he was a werewolf. Just because once in a while, he turned into a hideous beast. After all, there were lots of precautions being made to ensure that the safety of the other pupils was retained, and as long as they followed the guidelines, they'd all be okay. But after the first few months, they became friends with Peter Pettigrew, a shy, quiet boy, and Sirius Black, the boy who, in a few years, all their parents would tell them not to get involved with. He was a savage looking boy, his long dark hair untamed, and most likely unbrushed. His face always seemed slightly grubby, although he seemed to, beneath this, have a cute face for an eleven-year-old boy. His parents were Death Eaters, and sympathized very much with followers of the Dark Arts.

With three great friends at his side, Remus finally gained the courage to tell them the truth. He expected them to glare at him, not want to be his friend anymore. Yet they already knew, there was no way they were going to desert him now. They knew, and they still wanted to be his friend.

Why wouldn't Lily think along those lines? Why wouldn't she think it was exciting to have a boyfriend who turned into a vicious monster? Not that he did it everyday, but that was only in a metaphorical sense. But he knew the answer to all his questions, and as he lay there on the sofa, drifting into a place somewhere between consciousness and sleep. He made up his mind - he wouldn't tell her, ever. She couldn't know, for if she did, she'd leave him. That was the way it was, and the way it always would be.

~~~~~

Remus awoke the next morning, his head heavy with a mixture of emotions; the ghastly fear of Sirius or James telling Lily about his wolfish tendencies, the apprehension of pulling back the thick, velvety drapes that hung around his four poster bed. He would have to see his three friends glaring back at him, still angry at him for his actions the previous afternoon. His stomach started rolling, a sickeningly nervous feeling he got when he reminded himself of Lily, and the fact that she was his, his girlfriend, his true friend, his confidant. Although, maybe he didn't confide in her quite as much as he should, seeing as she didn't know the truth.

As he lay back, staring at the ceiling, the carvings of a medieval warrior fighting Cerberus dancing above him, he pondered over which feeling got the better of him. He decided that the most likely course of action was to sneak out of bed, quickly get dressed, run downstairs and eat breakfast with Lily, then go to the library to read a while. He hadn't done that for some time, and he felt like settling down with a good book, just so he could escape the grueling realities of teenage life.

Remus crept out of bed, and pulled on an old Muggle rugby shirt and a pair of trousers. He then tiptoed down the old stone spiral staircase towards the Common Room. He was surprised to find it empty save a few first year boys sitting by the fire, playing Wizard's chess, and a seventh year couple in the corner, having a severe necking session. He made his way to the portrait hole, and gently pushed the Fat Lady's portrait aside, crawling through the gap which was left behind.

He tiptoed along the corridor, unsure why he was doing so, but feeling that the day was too quiet to be spoilt by his own loud footsteps echoing throughout the corridors. A window high upon the wall, near the ceiling, shed a little light onto the ground at his feet. It showed him that the weather was much as it had been the previous day; gloriously sunny, and as he felt the air about him, he realized the air was hot and humid, thick with the stench of teenage sweat masked by cheap perfume. Running down the staircase, he examined the Entrance Hall. It seemed fairly quiet, only a few students strolling through it, either on their way to, or from breakfast.

Eventually, he placed a trembling hand on the doorknob of the Main Hall. He wasn't entirely sure why he was trembling, but the sickening anticipation of seeing his friends was overwhelming him. He dreaded seeing them glaring at him with angry eyes. He winced, and turned the knob. Closing his eyes, he opened the door, and took a step into the Hall.

"Hey, Moony!"

There was Sirius, calling after him, and James, looking nervously at the toast which lay uneaten on his plate. Peter sat at James' side, quietly munching his breakfast cereal. Hurried voices behind him whirred, and bodies knocked into him, as they shoved their way into the Great Hall.

"Hurry up, Potter. You don't wanna miss it, do you? We need you!"

Of course, thought Remus. The Quidditch game. That explained everything, the way they were treating Severus Snape, the irrational behavior, the very nervous glances from James all day, along with, now that he thought of it, the other two Gryffindor sixth years on the team. Thomas Williamson, a usually bubbly boy, stood with the group of boys at Remus' side, nervously snickering at nothing in particular, and Rachel Stout, a strong yet pretty girl, was nowhere in sight. She, presumably, had already made her way to the Gryffindor changing rooms. Of course, James and Sirius had no right to treat Severus like that, and Peter, well, Remus was even more sickened by his actions. He never took part in the persecutions, but took great delight in showing off to James and Sirius, particularly James, laughing louder than anyone else, telling them how funny he found it all. But anyway, the Quidditch match was fast approaching, and this time, Gryffindor would find themselves opposing Slytherin, Snape's house. This match was crucial for both teams, who were both level pegging for the Quidditch Cup, a trophy held in very high esteem.

James, Sirius and Peter, who had a particular distaste for all Slytherins, probably saw him in the dungeons that sunny Saturday afternoon, and thought of him as an easy target to take out all their pre-match nerves. Of course, James would be the only one of them playing, but the rivalry between Gryffindor ran so deep, nearly one thousand years, back to the years of the Founders. Sirius and Peter were sick with nerves themselves, and the actual players were almost keeling over.

As for the irrational behavior, anyone stopping their fun when it came to destroying the souls of these Slytherin creatures would be deemed ridiculous, especially to James, whose nerves would be running high. This was no excuse really, though. The way they treated Severus didn't really change that much when Quidditch matches were on, but the way they treated Remus and Lily certainly did. Sometimes Remus got the feeling that Sirius was only acting how he thought James would wish for him to act. Sometimes Sirius would give him a cheeky wink after James looked at him in a funny way, or would look saucily at Lily- in an acceptable fashion, not a disturbingly sickening one.

James pulled himself out of his bench, and walked out of the Great Hall, walking past Remus. Remus suddenly found himself going red, ashamed of his inability to stand up for his friends, and his total ability to stick up for his girlfriend. He'd only been dating Lily for a matter of months, whilst these were the friends he'd had for nearly six years. One last chance. One last try. Go for it, Remus.

"G-Good Luck, James," he squeaked, unsure of whether James had heard him or not. His friend, his best friend, turned to him, and gave him an unsure smile and a nod of the head. As James disappeared, a blur of red, Remus stood there, completely still, mesmerized by his courage.

"Moony! Are you coming for something to eat, or not?! Look, I've told you, I'm sorry, and you have no reason to be. Stop apologizing. I'm sorry for making you look bad in front of Lily, and I'm especially sorry for putting you under the immense discomfort and pressure you must have felt when I told you to tell Lily. So I'm sorry about that one, Moony."

Sirius gave Remus a cheeky grin, shook his head, tossing his long black hair over his shoulder, revealing a number of vicious scars on his neck, no doubt trophies from his various scrapes he had whilst in his dog form.

"Anyway, enough of that, are you coming up for the match? It's going to be awesome, James is going to beat all those little drips big style!"

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Please, the Slytherin team are hardly little drips. They're twice James' size, and four times as mean!"

"Yes, but they have the combined intelligence of..." Sirius waved his arms around in desperation. "...Something really stupid. I'm sure Snivellus is more intelligent than that lot."

Remus snorted. He might stick up for the poor guy when they were torturing him, but he definitely didn't have any peachy feelings for him.

Suddenly, Sirius jerked his head around, and his eyes followed a tall, dark- haired girl as she walked towards the Ravenclaw table. It was Luanna Rosewood, tipped for Head Girl, brimming with intelligence, and, in Remus' opinion, not much else. Still, she seemed to attract enough attention from a lot of guys, mainly those in Slytherin, but, for some odd reason, Sirius, who was fixated on her.

"Hey! Lu! Over here!" Sirius waved his hands about, shouting at the top of his voice, not wanting anyone in the Hall to miss out on his moment, which, Remus felt, could be disastrous if he was turned down. "Wanna come to the game with us?"

Luanna turned, and gave Sirius a cheeky grin, one you'd never expect to appear on the face of the best student in the school, a girl with the best grades imaginable, a girl who was respected above all students by the Professors.

"Sure I'll come. Will it just be us, or is Book Boy coming too?"

Book Boy? Remus felt enraged. Yes, of course, he enjoyed a good book once in a while, to escape the problems of everyday life, to escape the fears, trials and tribulations of reality, but it didn't mean he was actually a book!

"Remus? Yeah, he's coming too. Aren't you, Remus?" Why wasn't Sirius sticking up for him? Then it hit him. Of course, this was the way that his friends must have felt every time he hadn't stuck up for them. Well, he never stuck up for them abusing Snape before, but now he apposed to it. Viciously.

"Alright, I just need to go get something."

Remus slipped from his seat, walked quickly and silently out of the Great Hall, and disappeared out of sight up the stairs.