Transformations

Author's Notes:

I'm pretty sure that this chapter includes a lot more borrowed concepts than I meant it to. Again, I promise that none of it was deliberate and I would hate, above all things, to plagarise. That said, please enjoy!

*****

Chapter 7: Point of View

Tonks lay on her bed, listening to the rustle of leaves outside her second-story flat. The light played across limp brown hair and an unusually sombre expression.

Today marked one week since her cousin had died. It was still terribly difficult to understand. She felt at times as if she could almost see him, that he would saunter around a corner any moment with a bark-like laugh and a bear-like hug. Other days, she felt as though everything she knew about him was fading, and she cried for the fear that she would forget him. Only rarely did she cry because he had no more time on earth; much more often, she cried for herself, and the others who had to struggle on without him.

But today, Tonks was quiet. She had managed to pull her thoughts away from her cousin to other things. Tomorrow, she, Remus, and Mad-Eye were going with the elder Weasleys to King's Cross to meet Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny. It had been Remus's idea.

"It's a security precaution. With Voldemort back, we need to be even more careful of Harry and the other children than before. And I think it would make Harry feel better...."

His words had trailed off into one of those silences in which everyone thought of Sirius, though no one said anything. It had been happening a lot recently.

So Tonks had practiced changing her hair colour and turning tear-streaked cheeks to a normal, healthy glow. The changes faded after a few hours -- normally, she could go for days without thinking about how her hair stayed pink -- but she was glad that she could manage that much. Her power, while impressive, was also sensitive to her emotions. The greater the emotion, the harder her appearance became to control.

*

Remus sat by the Hogwarts lake, savouring the calm. The students had left that morning, and Remus had dared come outside for the first time since he had moved back into his old teaching quarters.

He and Professor Dumbledore had had a private talk, in which they had agreed that it would be "better for the students if they did not know that an extra adult was staying at the castle". The headmaster was too polite to say what Remus thought, that it would cause havoc for the werewolf teacher to be back among the students. In any case, Remus spent most of his time doing small jobs that fell under the heading of "Order business", and very little at the school.

He had seen Harry earlier in the week, wandering from the direction of Hagrid's hut. The boy had sat down and not moved until past nightfall. Heart aching, Remus watched until Harry finally went inside.

"Albus, why is it necessary that I stay away from Harry?"

Dumbledore sighed. "There is so much for him to digest right now. He needs to begin the healing process alone, to learn to grieve.

"I know how much you want to help. However, I believe that in this case, we must let him alone. I will bring him back to the Burrow very soon; we will all help him then."

So Remus had held his tongue and waited. Watching Harry made him think, of course, of Sirius, and the other people who were now without him. Harry...himself...Tonks. Poor Tonks -- she had found her long-lost cousin only to lose him barely a year later.

Had it really been that long?

The first time he met her had been typical Tonks -- she fell over that umbrella stand in Grimmauld Place. It was strange to think how he had been so unsure of her then. Since that day, they had become firm friends. Her sense of humour, like Sirius's, played off his own well, but she also had a great deal of common sense, which made her refreshing to be around.

She's a wonderful woman.

There was something odd about that thought. Remus paused.

A moment later, he was striding towards the Headmaster's office with a strong sense of relief. He had an appointment to keep and no time to waste in overanalysing his own thoughts.

*

The door creaked innocently. Tonks whipped around. There was one other problem to keeping her hair colour straight, and its name was Remus Lupin.

Her fancy for Remus had only grown stronger over the past months, especially after she helped him recover from a transformation. Tonks had begun to wonder if she should speak up, but Sirius's death had thrown any semblance of such a plan out of the picture.

So now she was faced with fancying her good friend, who had also been the best friend of her recently murdered cousin, whom she herself had cared for deeply. Or, if she looked at it another way, she had to deal with the fact that her grief for Sirius was hopelessly tangled with romantic feelings for Remus, who had been such a part of helping her let go of Sirius. And what would Sirius himself have said? What if he would have disapproved? Would she betray her cousin by pursuing Remus?

Even more frightening, what if Sirius would have approved?

Was it silly to think like that?

She was nearly sure that it was, but that didn't stop the same thoughts from running a well-travelled circle in her brain as she watched the unmoving door.

*

Tonks was already there when Remus arrived, though no one else was. For the first time since the hospital, her hair was bubble-gum pink. She even attempted a joke.

"Wotcher, Remus. I haven't seen you in ages."

It was a feeble imitation of her usual light manner, but Remus appreciated it all the more for its difficulty -- though in an odd way, he felt that what she had said was true. "Hello, Tonks. How have you been doing?"

It was a simple question on the surface, but as her dark eyes met his lighter ones, Remus thought with a jolt of the half hour in Grimmauld Place when he had held her while she cried -- no, when they had held each other while they cried. It was easy to see that the same thoughts were in her mind.

Long before the two had finished staring at each other, Professor Dumbledore appeared in the door. "Ah, Remus, Nymphadora, are you ready? You will be Flooing to the station..."

The tableau shattered. Remus turned to face the Headmaster in a futile attempt to pay attention. Tonks fixed her gaze on a silvery knickknack on the desk, employing all of her concentration to keep her face its normal colour.

*

Tonks felt her heart drop a bit more when she saw Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron. Harry looked as sad as she felt, and the others looked rather pale and a bit grim. That changed when they spotted the welcoming committee. Somehow, Molly managed to be the first to greet all four children.

Harry looked happy to see them, though a little bewildered. "I didn't expect...what are you all doing here?"

Remus smiled a little. "Well, we thought we might have a little chat with your aunt and uncle before letting them take you home."

Harry was clearly alarmed at the idea, but in the end, Tonks thought it went quite well. Harry was actually grinning as he led his "family" off.

Tonks turned back to the Grangers and the Weasleys in time to see Hermione give Ron a very quick, awkward hug goodbye. Their obvious, hesitant feelings for each other brought tears to Tonks's eyes.

Remus noticed, of course. "Are you all right?"

She nodded; what else could she do? "I'm -- a little tired. I think I should go home, rest a bit."

He looked concerned. "Should I come with you? Make sure you get home in one piece?"

She should have argued, but she didn't have the strength or the will for it. And she didn't want to. "If you want to."

So they Apparated together to her building, which contained four floors of Wizarding flats, and walked up the stairs together. Remus opened her door after she unlocked it, but did not enter. "Good bye, Tonks."

She smiled at him, her first real smile in a week. "Good bye, Remus."

Something flickered in his eyes, but he said nothing. She heard the small pop of his Disapparition only after she had shut and locked the door.

*

How he got back to Hogwarts after dropping Tonks off, Remus could not have said. He paced restlessly, neither knowing nor caring how long he walked.

He had known that something was strange for a while, but had not realised what it was. Had he not permitted himself to know? No, there had been no reason to suspect. She was a friend, his best friend's cousin, something like a sister. Had been.

The symptoms were all there: the way he laughed more when she was around; the way they seemed to be able to read each others' minds at times; how comfortable he had been with telling her about his lycanthropy, not to mention the way they had comforted each other after Sirius died. But that smile, outside her door --

He had felt as though he stood on a railroad track, and when she smiled, his stomach flipped over, right before the freight train hit him.

Remus flopped to the sofa and buried his face in his hands. How could he have been so idiotic as to fall head over heels in love?

The pose only lasted for a moment. Remus stood and strode impatiently to the window, staring through the night as rain began to beat a heavy tattoo on the glass.

*

Tonks sat alone again, thinking of the man who had just left. He had smiled when they arrived on the platform and saw the teenagers.

Remus smiled a lot, but his happiest smiles were infrequent. Tonks had seen them when he watched the teenagers joke and horse around; when they sat with the Weasley family at tea; when Sirius punched his arm and laughed about old times.

She loved Remus's smile. In it was hope, real love, and light bright enough to light up a room. Bright enough to warm the depths of her heart in ways she had not realised were even possible.

She wished he would smile at her that way.

Her mind wandered to when the Order had retrieved Harry from his Muggle aunt and uncle. She had tripped, of course, and Remus had caught her. For a moment, the warm pressure of his hands held her tight.

How many times since then had she dreamed of him holding her again?

*

It wasn't just that she accepted him, of course. Other women had accepted him, once they got to know him. But Tonks --

It was the cheeky grin she wore when she teased him, the mock-seriousness that charmed so effortlessly. It was the deep love that showed when she talked about her parents. She could break anything in the kitchen just by touching it, but she still loved to help in any way she could. It was the easy acceptance she extended to everyone, not just himself. The determination that shone in her eyes at Order meetings -- the same determination he had seen in St. Mungo's. It was the maturity of her character; her ready delight in the world.

He had foolishly thought -- or deluded himself into thinking -- that he was no longer vulnerable to the powerful, unpredictable thing that was love.

Looking back at that, he was appalled to realise how much it sounded like something that Severus would have said; Severus, who had long ago fulfilled the prediction that was his name and sliced ties with all but the weakest emotions.

How often had Remus watched his colleague, embittered by constant strain on mind and body, and been thankful that he himself was not like that?

Not, of course, that it was any better to merely pretend that he was.

*

Clearly, wishing would do no good. She would tell him...no, she wouldn't. He probably wouldn't return her feelings. But surely he had the right to know -- or was that what people said when they wanted to be selfish? And if he didn't feel the same way, it could completely kill their friendship.

But if she wanted a chance at happiness...and there was always a chance.

She would tell him after the next Order meeting, in a few days.

Satisfied, she flopped into bed and quickly fell asleep, curled into a warm, contented ball.

*

Remus was pacing again.

Now what?

Declare his love for the girl? If he told her, she would be not only embarrassed, but trapped -- as members of the Order, they would be forced to see each other too often for comfort. Not to mention that he was almost fifteen years older, dirt poor with no prospects, and a werewolf.

There was always the chance that she returned his feelings. The thought made his heart leap up, but he shoved it roughly down. He had never so much asked her out for a drink or flirted with her -- at least, not deliberately -- so she had no reason to believe that he had any romantic feelings for her, and there was no reason for her to have feelings for him. Besides, it would change their friendship at the least; destroy it at the worst. Remus had too few friends to want to risk them that easily.

The best thing he could do would be to act as if nothing had happened. He would treat her as he always had, as much as he could, but he would take care not to show anything.

It would be hard, but he had done similar things in the past. The young faces of his Hogwarts companions, leaning over his hospital bed, confused and scared, swam to the surface. He pushed them away. Then, as now, he had done what he thought was best -- only this time, there was really nothing to be done. There would be no magic solution.

Remus flopped onto his sofa with a frustrated sigh. He stared into the dark a long time before sleep came.

*****

A/N: I'm sorry, as always, that this chapter was so long in coming. I had some problems writing it, of course, and then some beta issues. The end effect is that this hasn't actually been beta'ed, so I really would appreciate random spelling/grammar errors that I've missed. A big thank-you must go to Delaney (callmehermione) for catching a load of said errors on the first go.

I hope you enjoyed it! Please review; praise, constructive criticism all welcome; my favourites are the really long, thoughtful ones, but if you don't have time, leave a short one anyway! Reviews honestly are the biggest thing that keeps me going, knowing that other people want to find out what happens as much as I do!