All's Fair

Chapter Nine- Eee?

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting by the fire in the Common Room. After a few minutes, a bold fifth year ventured towards them to ask Harry if he really did have eight inches, or if it was just a rumour.

This had been happening to Harry all day. Everywhere he went, he was questioned. And everywhere he went, he politely declined to answer.

Not this time.

Harry growled, whipped out his wand (no, not the one in question. The wooden one. As in actual wood, not... 'wood'), cursed the unfortunate youth with permanent boils all over, then glared furiously at the rest of the common room.

"Let me assure you," he yelled, "that interested as I am sure you all are, the size of my penis is none of your business! If at any point I decide it is, I will tell you! Now go away and stop bothering me!"

He then sighed gustily and turned back to his friends. There was a rustling noise as every other Gryffindor student decided that it was time to clear out of the Common Room.

"Why is nobody interested in how big mine is?" asked Ron a little petulantly after a moment.

"Because we all know, and it's nothing to get excited about," said Harry, with his first genuine smile in a few hours.

"And yours is?"

"Well....yes, actually."

"How d-"

"Stop arguing, boys!" interrupted Hermione. "We have far bigger fish -even bigger than Harry's- to fry."

Harry sniggled at Ron, but quietly so that Hermione did not notice. Ron opened his mouth, but then realised that he had not come up with a witty retort, so closed it again.

"Do either of you have any ideas for a good prank?"

"Actually," said Ron, surprising Harry and Hermione, "I do!"

Hermione looked a little worried, but smiled and nodded encouragingly at her boyfriend nonetheless. Ron seemed unfazed.

"I think we should turn Pansy into a pansy!"

"But then Pomfrey would just turn her back," said Harry, frowning.

"No," said Ron impatiently, "not an actual pansy. I meant that we could sort of... botch it a bit. Just give her green skin, petals around her face, maybe stop her talking, something like that. If we botch it, it will be harder for them to find a cure, and they'll just have to wait for the spell to wear off."

Harry was impressed. It appeared that Ron had actually come up with a good idea. To tell the truth, he was feeling a little jealous.

"So, mastermind," he started, "what do we do about the other two?"

"Oh. I dunno. I just had my little flash of brilliance. It's gone now."

"Don't worry, dear," said Hermione brightly, "I'm sure we can come up with other things for Malfoy and Blaise."

"Why is Malfoy Malfoy, but Zabini Blaise?"

"Because I am in the contest against him. I may as well call him by name."

"So I can call Draco Draco?"

"You said that like you were already calling him Draco," Hermione said accusingly. "You should have asked if you could call Malfoy Draco."

"Huh? Howzat?" replied a slightly thrown Harry.

"I... I don't know, I think I just lost track of the conversation."

"Okay. Anyway, I think I know what to do with Draco," said Harry with a sly smile.

"Which is?"

"We can do like Ron will with Pansy, but Draco can be a cat."

"A cat? Why?" asked Ron.

"Well think about it. Malfoy is the King of Slytherin. He'll look really stupid with cat ears and a tail. Oooh, we can do it so that all he can do is purr and say 'meow'!"

"Yeah, that would be good," said Hermione, looking rather dreamy at the idea. Harry debated whether he should be getting possessive, then decided against it. Hermione was probably just getting turned on by the idea of suffering and humiliation.

Plus, added Harry to himself, I'm sure that Draco would look just adorable... I wonder if he'd let me stroke him?

No, of course not. What a stupid idea.

Could be worth a try.

And so the trio began to plot.

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"Draco," said Harry amicably, strolling over to the Slytherin table. "So nice to see you."

"Potter," came the startled reply. "What are you doing here?"

"I've decided to forgive you for that whole Care of Magical Creatures thing. I've decided that I will let you get away with publicly humiliating me this time. Anyway, we're all friends here- I really think you should be calling me Harry."

"What are you doing, Harry?" responded Draco with suspicion.

"Are you questioning my strangely timed and rather overt friendliness?" Harry replied, looking shocked and offended.

"Well... yes."

"Probably a good idea, actually."

With that, Harry threw the small vial that had been concealed in his hand at the blond boy. Ron and Hermione, who had been standing just behind him, threw their own potions at their victims.

There was a moment of stunned silence, all eyes riveted on the three shocked Slytherins.

And then they began to change. Pansy's hair pulled free of its tie, and ended up standing at angles around her head. It solidified, ending up as blonde petals surrounding her rapidly changing skin.

The unfortunate girl looked down at her now green hands, and tried to scream. Unfortunately, her voice had deserted her, so she was unable to do anything but look at what was happening to her friends.

Draco was touching his new white ears and long curling tail in disbelief. He turned angrily to Harry, and pointed a shortening finger at him.

"Meow! Meow? M-"

Realising that he was unable to speak normally, he threw himself at the hysterical Gryffindor, yowling furiously. Sadly for him, the whole spectacle was so funny that Harry could do nothing but laugh.

"Look, everyone!" he yelled, grabbing one of Draco's paws and raising it. "He's even de-clawed! Isn't he cute?"

As everyone in the Great Hall roared with laughter, Harry proceeded to pat Malfoy on the head.

Draco growled, attempted to bite Harry's hand. After a few moments of batting at the agile seeker, the cat-boy proceeded to curl up on the floor and attempt to hide himself.

Harry personally decided that Draco looked rather sweet, all curled up and shivering. Unfortunately, this was probably not the time to suggest a hug. Draco would probably attempt to stab his eyes out.

Blaise seemed to be the calmest of the three. He had picked up one of the silver plates, and was currently examining his new pink floppy ears and whiskers.

Hermione was rather impressed; when one is partially changed into a rabbit, they generally take it a little harder. Maybe this had happened to Blaise before?

"Everything alright, Blaise?"

The boy/rabbit raised his head to glare at her.

"You could answer me, you know. Or you can just flap your ears and go 'eee'," she said, grinning widely.

Blaise would have made a very rude gesture at this point, but he couldn't. It appeared that he no longer had a discernable middle finger.

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Draco, Pansy and Blaise returned from the infirmary, and threw themselves into their usual seats in the Slytherin Common Room.

After a few moments, Crabbe and Goyle wandered towards them and took up their normal positions on the floor.

"So," said Goyle, being strangely talkative for a brainless ogre, "how did it go?"

"Meow," said Draco angrily, gesturing wildly with his paws.

"Madam Pomfrey couldn't find an antidote because there isn't one in existence," summarised Crabbe, "but she thinks the potions will wear off in a few days."

Draco, Pansy and Blaise exchanged slightly confused glances.

"Eee!" added Blaise.

"Also," translated Goyle, "you were told to attend lessons, so that you do not miss anything on the syllabus. Although your appearances have altered, there is nothing wrong with your minds."

Blaise nodded.

"Ah, well that's alright, then. Education's what really matters, you know," said Crabbe brightly.

"I think we'll be off now," added Goyle. "Things to do and all that."

The two mountains then proceeded to haul themselves up and off to the other side of the Common Room, where they started hitting each other over the head with some heavy tomes that were lying on a table.

"Meow?" asked Draco, attempting to point at them.

"Eee," agreed Blaise.

Pansy shook her petals.

The three of them then realised the futility of trying to make any other conversation, and sat for a while in an uncomfortable silence.

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Harry was walking innocently (well, not particularly innocently, but he was not doing anything directly wrong to anyone at that particular moment in time) to the detention that he had been given with Professor McGonagall, when a paw shot out of a dark corner and grabbed him.

A furious face loomed before him, its eyes blazing.

"Meow!" it said threateningly.

Harry then ruined the atmosphere completely by raising a hand to lightly stroke Draco's hair.

Draco, although furious, could not help purring and leaning his head forward to rest on Harry's chest.

Then he realised that he was meant to be killing Harry, not giving in to cuddle induced animal happiness, and reluctantly pulled away.

"Meow," he stated angrily.

"Hey, it wasn't as bad as what you did to me!" protested Harry.

"Meow!"

"I'm assuming that you beg to differ. Well... nyah to that," said the boy, finding the whole one way conversation thing a little disconcerting.

Draco raised an eyebrow, but it is very difficult to look condescending when one is sporting cat ears.

Harry reached up and flicked one of the white ears in question. Draco yowled in pain and anger. Harry gave the ear a little stroke, and Draco began to purr again.

"Aww," cooed the boy immediately, "that's so cute! Do you think you could stay like this permanently?"

Draco glared.

"Right," said Harry, looking at his watch. "Lovely as this little rendezvous is, I must get to detention. McGonagall doesn't appreciate the genius of unleashing your inner kitty as much as I do. It was nice, uh, talking to you."

Draco very maturely stuck his tongue out at Harry, then stalked away, head and tail held high.

As he walked, he could hear the raven-haired youth sniggling at him as he in turn headed off to his detention.

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Snape swooped into the classroom, smiling maliciously as his class quaked before him.

This was exactly how he liked things to be. Longbottom was already dripping with sweat, Patil was shaking in her seat, Granger was looking at him with fear and disgust, Zabini's bunny ears were quivering....

"Zabini," hissed the man, "explain why there are pink appendages protruding from your head."

Snape was enormously satisfied to see the boy's eyes fill with tears.

"Answer me, boy!"

There was silence for a moment. Then the boy quietly said, "Eee."

"I didn't catch that. Repeat it louder. Oh, and ten points from Slytherin for wasting my time."

"Eee," repeated Blaise more loudly.

"Funny," said Snape, "but that's what you said before. Explain."

"Eee," whimpered Blaise, his ears drooping and his bottom lip quivering.

"Professor," called Hermione, who was now feeling terrible. "He can't say anything else. You should have received a note about his condition last night."

"I received no such note," said Snape, who had actually received seven copies from a rather concerned Dumbledore. "Now, that would be ten points from Gryffindor for speaking out of turn, ten points for making me feel neglected after not receiving the note, ten because I am assuming that it was you that has caused Zabini's affliction, ten because there is pink in my dungeon, and ten because your bushy hair offends me. Sort it out."

Hermione looked down at her desk, and attempted to cover up a sniffle.

"Ten more points for sniffing in class, Granger! You're probably completely riddled in disease. Get out, and stay out until you have decontaminated yourself!" snapped Snape.

Hermione gave a choking sob, then quickly gathered up her books and ran out of the room.

"Right." The man turned to Pansy, his face actually appearing to light up. "Parkinson. You have exactly four seconds to tell me all the properties of the Vulchanov."

Pansy rustled her petals in dismay. Ron groaned, and raised his hand...