Finding Normal

It was late afternoon. James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew were in the library, studying.

All right, that's not entirely true.

James was lazily browsing through his textbook, slowly counting the number of times he had (secretly, and in very manly handwriting of course) written "Lily Potter" in the margins. Peter was just staring at his notes, wishing he could actually understand what the hell it was he had scribbled. Sirius looked like he was studying intently, but was actually merely perusing a transfigured copy of Playwizard that James had bought him for his birthday.

In fact, the only Marauder who was doing any actual studying was Remus.

Sirius let out a loud sigh, leaned back so that he was balancing on only the back legs of his chair, and stretched his arms behind his head. "Tonight is a very special night," he proclaimed. "Come tomorrow, we shall finally shed the chains of boyhood and become men."

Peter looked at Remus with his large eyes. "What on earth is he on about?"

"How should I know," Remus mumbled, not taking his eyes off his notebook. "I'm not paying attention. I'm actually studying."

"Tomorrow," explained Sirius with exasperation in his voice, "we have our final N.E.W.T. Our last scholarly examination, ever. As soon as we hand in our parchment, we walk out of that room free men--at which point all mad drunken debauchery and celebration may commence."

James let out a cough, and pointed at Remus. "Except for Moony, that is."

Remus finally lifted his head long enough to give James and Sirius looks of warning, which they promptly ignored.

"Well, that's the other reason tonight is so important," replied Sirius. "Tonight, the Marauders have one last night of excitement at Hogwarts."

"Keep your voices down," Remus hissed.

"I'm so lost," Peter stated.

James pointed again at Remus, who wished James would quit pointing. "It's full moon tonight, remember? You know, once a month, Marauders, Shrieking Shack?" He waved his hands around. "You have been paying attention the last few years, right?"

"Shut up!" Remus pleaded. "Someone might overhear!"

"Oh relax, Moony," Sirius replied, falling forward along with his chair with a thump. "We're almost out of here, it doesn't matter."

But to Remus Lupin it did matter, it always mattered, and what also mattered was that he wasn't getting any proper studying done.

"So, what should we all do on a big night like tonight? Do we want to go out with a bang? Maybe we should see what Snivellus is up to." He waggled his eyebrows.

"Actually," said Remus, "maybe I should go to the Shrieking Shack alone tonight."

James, Sirius, and Peter looked affronted. "What on earth for?" James almost shouted.

Remus looked around the library and fidgeted with his quill. "Well, we've got a test tomorrow--a big test--and I don't want any of you to run out of sufficient time to study on account of...of being with me."

"Bollocks!" cried James.

Sirius frowned. "Moony, the N.E.W.T. is in Transfiguration, which I think even you would agree James, Peter, and I are quite well versed in. And as for you, Dumbledore already gave you permission to sit your exam later this week. We are coming with you, as always."

"And there is absolutely no reason why you cannot join us in our celebration and debauchery--as soon as you're up to it," James added. "Test taken or no, you become a man same time we do."

"N.E.W.T, shmewt," chimed in Peter.

Remus smiled at his friends' enthusiasm, but on the inside felt empty. None of them understood--not that he expected them to. He stood and began to collect his things. "I need to study someplace where I won't be so distracted," was all he said before going back to Gryffindor Tower.

~*~

A few hours later, Remus was still sitting alone at his desk in the Marauders' shared dorm room, his arm propping up his head as he flipped through his beat-up copy of Advanced Techniques in Transfiguration.

Sirius' voice kept repeating in his head. "And as for you, Dumbledore already gave you permission to sit your exam later this week."

Remus groaned, threw down his quill, and rubbed his hands over his eyes. He didn't know why he was bothering to take the N.E.W.T. exams, or even attending Hogwarts in the first place. What had Dumbledore been playing at all these years, making Remus believe he actually stood a chance to make something of himself--to live a normal life? Hardly.

He suddenly felt hot and sweaty. It was a sign that the transformation cycle was slowly beginning, and he let out a large sigh as he pulled off his Hogwarts jumper to cool off. He peered out the window at the sun slowly beginning to set and mumbled a seldom-used curse word.

Remus was tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. Tired of constantly making excuses for missing class and other events. Tired of teachers always having to make special arrangements for him. Tired of people like Severus Snape always looking at him with suspicion, or curiosity, or loathing, or whatever it was.

He was still forever grateful to Headmaster Dumbledore for all that he had done for Remus, there was no doubt about that. But recently, it had started to sink in that he was a mere few days away from graduating and going out into the real world, and while Dumbledore had always been more than accommodating towards Remus and his...condition...he knew that few employers would be. I'll probably graduate top of the class, he thought miserably, and no one will ever want to hire me anyway.

The worst part was, he couldn't really blame them. Even if he managed to keep his lycanthropy hidden, who in their right mind would want to hire someone who couldn't be counted on to show up for work on a regular basis? Besides, nowadays almost any job you applied for required a background check with the Ministry to make sure you weren't a criminal, Squib, or--Merlin forbid--listed on the Werewolf Registry. It began to look more and more like Remus' only hope for a job was maybe some freelance editing work for the Daily Prophet, or menial Muggle work that didn't require proof of education.

Now thoroughly depressed, Remus dropped his sweaty head on top of his textbook. Maybe, if I ask really nicely, James and Sirius will finally just kill me and put me out of my misery.

No, said another voice in his head. They'll just slap you for acting like such a giant prat.

Remus lifted his head, which was now beginning to ache. It was true. Simply giving up and tossing one's self off the top of the Astronomy Tower was not the Marauder Way. When James, Sirius, and Peter had learned Remus was a werewolf, they hadn't given up on him; instead they had worked their asses off to learn how to become Animagi. When Lily set James' handmade valentines on fire and hexed his ears off, James didn't give up on winning her over. Even Peter didn't give up when he botched up turning into a rat one time and found himself one foot tall with a tail and whiskers for a week. The Marauders were not quitters, they were Gryffindors, and above all, slightly mad. But most importantly, they had always been there for Remus J. Lupin, and turning his back on them by killing himself was a pretty poor way to repay them.

He stared at his books with new determination. He decided at that moment that if he could manage to not let his lycanthropy get in the way of him taking a test for once, maybe he could manage to not let it get in the way of getting a job.

Maybe he could even manage to not let it get in the way of him getting a girlfriend.

Whoa there, Moony! Don't delude yourself THAT much.

He pointed his wand at the alarm clock in the corner of the room and set it for an appropriate hour. He then climbed on top of the bed and charmed something onto the ceiling. Just then, Sirius, James, and Peter strolled into the room, and Remus quickly jumped off.

"About that time again, eh chap?" said Sirius, far too cheerfully. "Moony, you ready for one last wild slumber party in the Shack?" Sirius' breath smelled like he'd already gotten a head start on the drunken debauchery.

"We've made the decision that if you're still pissed off about not taking the test tomorrow, you can take it out on the rat," added James, digging his Invisibility Cloak out from its secret hiding place.

"Hey!" squeaked Peter. He looked nervously at Remus.

Remus smiled as the foursome walked out the door. "Don't worry, Wormtail, I'm not still pissed off about not taking the test tomorrow."

~*~

The great thing about the summer months is that the sun sets late and rises early, so by six in the morning all four boys were already safely returned to humanity and Gryffindor Tower.

The Transfiguration N.E.W.T. was separated into two sections--a written exam in the morning, and a practical exam in the afternoon. After James, Sirius, and Peter had made sure Remus was okay (meaning all limbs intact, and passed out stinky and drooling in his bed) they marched down to the kitchen to commandeer large amounts of coffee, and to the Great Hall to get a head start on breakfast.

~*~

At exactly 7:00 A.M., the magic alarm clock loudly went off.

At 7:06, it was still ringing. Eventually, a skinny, bruised arm slowly and painfully reached out and flailed at the clock until it fell off the table.

"HOW RUDE!" yelled the alarm clock before finally shutting itself off.

Remus' oversensitive ears hurt from the noise, and his mind was extremely fuzzy. Cold....early. Loud noises. What? Ow. Where's my fur? Where's my tail!? Why....why am I awake....too early......Ow.

He slowly opened his eyes. There was something on the ceiling. He blinked and squinted.

GET UP AND PASS THE N.E.W.T. YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A PERSON.

The handwriting looked very familiar. Wait.

Remus sprung straight up in bed, unfortunately causing a sudden wave of nausea, but it was enough to return him to his human senses.

~*~

James shoved some toast in his mouth. It was seven-thirty now, and the Great Hall was packed with nervous students about to take their O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s.

"I'm going to fail," moaned Peter.

"You're not going to fail," replied James from across the table. "Stop worrying about the sodding test and instead think about the fun we're going to have when this is all over. Padfoot agrees with me, right, mate?" He looked over at Sirius, who was not paying attention to them but was instead staring at something. "Sirius?"

Sirius leaned over, grabbed James' head and forcefully turned it in the direction he was looking so James could see. Walking toward his usual seat at the Gryffindor table was none other than an extremely disheveled and pale Remus Lupin.

"Merlin's knickers," whispered James frantically. "Is he even supposed to be awake?"

He, Sirius, and Peter could only stare as Remus came over, slowly sat down, and dumped his Transfiguration notes and books on the table in front of him. His hair was in his face and still had traces of shampoo in it, he had scratches all over his body, and his uniform was on in a half-done, very un-Remus like fashion.

"Coffee," he finally mumbled. "Lots of coffee. And chocolate. And maybe a steak."

"I have cheese," Peter offered.

James automatically shoved an entire pot of coffee in front of Remus. Sirius found a pitcher of hot chocolate, and dumped the contents into the coffee while yelling at Remus, "HAVE YOU GONE OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND?"

"Well, technically, yes," said Remus calmly, attempting to tie his red-and-gold tie and discovering his fine motor skills were still shot. "That's what happens when you transform into a werewolf. And for the love of Godric, please don't raise your voice," he whispered hoarsely, taking a giant gulp of the chocolate coffee.

Sirius grabbed Remus by the shirt and yanked him forward. Remus worried for a second that Sirius was going to kill him after all, but it turned out he just wanted to fix the tie for him.

"Wait just a minute," hissed James. "You're not seriously going to sit the N.E.W.T. today? What for, Moony? Dumbledore already went out of his way to arrange for you to take it tomorrow, just wait till then."

"You don't need to put yourself through this," added Sirius, nearly choking Remus with the tie. "Besides, it's an advantage; you get an extra night to study--"

"I don't want an extra night, and it's not an 'advantage,'" said Remus angrily, his weak body shaking. "I'm taking it today. With the rest of the class. Like everyone else. Like a normal student," he nearly shouted. He grabbed the coffeepot and chugged the hot liquid straight from it in an effort to calm his nerves. The wolf still wasn't far from the surface, and the last thing he needed was to cause a scene at the table.

Peter and Sirius just stared. James leapt out of his seat and hijacked another pot of chocolate from the Ravenclaws and set it by Remus.

"Sorry, mate," he said. "We just worry, you know. You're supposed to sleep this shit off."

"You look terrible," Sirius grumbled, which Remus also took as an apology.

"You're sure you're up to taking this test?" James asked. "I mean, you remember everything you studied yesterday?"

"WHY THE F--" Remus stopped himself and took a deep breath, as usual struggling to beat his inner wolf into submission with kindness and politeness. "Erm, yeah, of course I remember. And that's why I've got my books with me, to...you know, review."

The other Marauders could only glance at each other. James gave Sirius a look that Sirius knew meant, "No good can come of this."

~*~

Shortly afterward, an empty classroom had been set up for the group of seventh-years taking the Transfiguration N.E.W.T.

Sirius and James had purposely sat themselves next to Remus, who looked paler and sicker than before.

"Are you all right?" Amelia Bones, the young ministry witch overseeing the examination, had asked Remus when the Marauders had walked in the door.

"All-nighter," Remus had mumbled in response.

The witch shook her head. "You're not the only one," she said, glancing at some other N.E.W.T. students who also looked peaky and nauseous. But Remus was definitely worst-looking of them all.

Two and a half hours had passed since the three-hour examination had started, and Remus had yet to answer a single question. The printed words seemed to be floating around on the parchment. Remus slumped his head in his hands and closed his eyes. I knew there was a reason I need to lie-in after a transformation. He had a pounding headache, a cold sweat, and felt like he was about to throw up his chocolate coffee any minute. Unfortunately, it was too late for him to back out and take the test at a later time. If he got up and left now for any reason, it was an automatic "T"--"Troll"--for the whole exam. What was I thinking? I can't believe I fooled myself into thinking I could do this.

Something hit him in the ear. It was a crumpled chunk of parchment. He looked up to see Sirius staring at him.

"You okay?" Sirius mouthed.

Remus turned his head. Padfoot, you stupid wanker, they'll think you're trying to cheat! He wished he could yell it at him.

He glanced back at the parchment.

Question 4. Describe, in detail, the steps required for a complete Animagus transformation.

He knew the answer to this. He'd seen James, Sirius, and Peter do it a thousand times. And yet, when he attempted to write an answer, his brain ceased to function and he found himself scribbling, Me friend Pads is a stoopid Wankerrr. Pleas do not theenk he is cheating. Thankyou kindly.

With that, he passed out, his head hitting the desk with a thunk.

Luckily, Miss Bones was distracted by a student who had just thrown her test in the air and fell off the chair sobbing, so she hadn't noticed Remus. Sirius looked at James over Remus' slumped body.

"He's doomed," mouthed James.

Sirius glanced at Remus' nearly blank paper, and then at his own test, which was already complete (including a hefty essay for Question 4). He glanced up at Miss Bones, who was still trying to calm down the sobbing girl.

In a split-second decision, Sirius wrote "Remus Lupin" at the top of his own paper and switched it with Remus' paper.

James looked at him with wide eyes. Sirius merely shrugged.

"I'm not the one they expect to graduate top of the class," he mouthed.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Black?" Miss Bones snapped.

"Oh, no, madam," he replied sweetly, casually writing his name atop Remus' paper, while James kept poking Remus with his quill until he woke up.

"Time's up!" announced Miss Bones, and all the examination papers flew into her hands. Remus slowly opened his eyes after the fiftieth poke.

~*~

A few minutes later, everyone piled out of the examination room, and Sirius and James found themselves half-carrying Remus up to the dorm while Peter flitted about nervously.

"I failed," moaned Remus. "I'm a failure. I couldn't even take a bloody test. I couldn't even answer number four! I couldn't even write my name!"

"Eh," said Sirius, winking at James, "I think you'll do all right. Especially if you go to bed and take the practical exam tomorrow, when you can think straight again."

They deposited Remus on a couch.

"And we'll wait until tomorrow to start the celebrating, so you won't miss a thing," added James. Sirius made a face like a wounded puppy, but James kicked him and he nodded in painful agreement.

Remus grabbed a blanket and covered himself with it, including his head. He couldn't stand to look at the common room right now, and all the happy, nervous, normal people in it. I guess that's why it's called a curse, he thought. Because you want to curse up a storm when you realize you can't beat it.

I, Remus John Lupin, am a werewolf. A Dark Creature. I need to just accept it. I shall never have a proper job, I shall never have a proper family, and I shall never have a proper life.

"We're going to go eat lunch now," he heard James say. "We'll see you after the exam."

"We'll tell you all the gory details," added Peter.

Despite himself, Remus smiled. At least I have proper friends.

"Oh," he heard Sirius say, and the blanket was suddenly whipped off his face. "And I am not a stupid wanker, you giant prat," Sirius said, pointing at him.

"What?" said Remus. How did Sirius know he'd written that?

By the time Remus had figured it out years later, it was too late to tell him thank you.

~*~*~