The Perks of Being a Poltergeist

There are certain advantages to being able to turn corporeal or incorporeal at whim.

For example, Peeves the Poltergeist is currently showering a group of second year Gryffindor students with Fanged Frisbees, cackling wildly as the furry discs dive down toward the fleeing pupils.

Now, if Peeves were utterly unable to interact physically with the living world, as Nearly Headless Nick or the Grey Lady were, he would have been incapable of breaking into Filch's office to acquire the aforementioned Frisbees (which, might it be said, were no doubt confiscated from Fred and George Weasley, two humans after his own non-existent heart).

On the other hand, if not for his ability to turn incorporeal and pass through both the physical and visual planes unseen, he would have had a great deal of trouble sneaking up upon said students without them hearing or seeing the snarling, snapping saucers.

Indeed, Peeves was neither a part of the living or ghostly worlds, although he does dabble in both when the occasions suit him. Although he is both tangible and intangible, both visible and invisible, he is not a ghost and nor was he ever actually alive.

Peeves is a poltergeist, a collection of chaotic energy that both feeds from and creates disaster, distress, and discord. He finds Hogwarts to be a more than suitable home, with its hundreds of adolescent students fretting over exams, stressing about crushes and teenage love, and the occasional worrying that accompanies the very real possibility of loss of limb or life due to one magical accident or another.

Thus, he roams the halls, caverns, and dungeons of Hogwarts Castle, spreading chaos much to the consternation of students, professors, ghosts, and house elves alike. It amuses him to idly carry on his private war with Argus Filch, the caretaker of the castle grounds. The war, such as it is, is terribly one-sided, however, as Filch is unable to use magic to enchant his way out of a paper bag, much less foil Peeves' schemes. Filch is a Squib, an inhabitant of the wizarding world born without the ability to use even the most rudimentary of magical spells. The unkempt groundskeeper is as powerless against Peeves as Dumbledore, considered by most to be the most powerful wizard in the past thousand years, if not of all time.

Whenever Peeves plays a particularly pugnacious prank, Filch invariably shambles gleefully to Dumbledore's office, wringing his hands in delight over the possibility of finally getting his archnemesis expelled from the castle grounds.

Dumbledore, however, is no fool. Nor is Peeves, for that matter.

Within every pre-teenage and teenage student is a churning cauldron of angst, anxiety, anger, and anguish waiting to achieve boiling point and explode. In a school of witchcraft and wizardry, such unbridled emotions are perhaps more dangerous than any vampire, troll, or dragon could possibly be.

It is tasked to Peeves, therefore, to uncork those negative emotions and allow them to dissipate before they achieve critical temperature. The relative danger of a pack of Fanged Frisbees is nothing compared to what could happen if an untrained, undisciplined wizard or witch sought to vent their frustration against the world. Within each robed teenager was the capacity to change their physical reality, in possibly disastrous ways. For example, one ancient witch's hatred of the month of February caused it to end prematurely and become March, an injury which the calendar and astronomical bodies were never able to recover from.

The fear produced by having to duck under the chomping jaws of a Fanged Frisbee or the frustration felt as a prefect's coveted badge vanishes into thin air are far safer than other possible expulsions of negative emotional energy.

In truth, though, Peeves has a far more important purpose within the castle. It is common knowledge that many magical devices, spells, and beings are employed to keep Hogwarts students safe from harm, from dangers both inside and outside of the castle walls. The students know some of these measures. They speculate about several thousand more. Approximately half of their wildest guesses are even true.

There are still others, however, which no one has guessed, that not even most of the staff members could fathom.

Peeves is uniquely suited as a roaming security system, able to perform surveillance and act against physical threats if need be. In his wandering and observing, Peeves has seen and heard things that no other inhabitant of Hogwarts will ever be able to know.

For example, when Neville Longbottom is alone in the boys dormitory, he will sometimes gesture with his wand as if it were a sword, dueling against an unseen opponent. When he finally forces his imaginary enemy to the ground, he point his wand, hand trembling, toward his foe and whispers, "Cruci..." before throwing his wand across the room in disgust. Sometimes he collapses to the floor and buries his face in his arms, silent tears staining the sleeves of his robe.

Sometimes Professor McGonagall will let down her hair after grading final examinations. She'll have a glass of brandy before putting it back up.

Luna Lovegood often finds herself entranced by the standing mirror in the Ravenclaw girls' dormitory. At times, she'll even speak to her reflection. She calls it "Mum" and asks when she'll get to see her again. Eventually, she'll shake her head in confusion and place a sheet overtop it.

Professor Snape even scowls in his sleep.

Lavender Brown will stare into her crystal ball and ask it questions. Often she asks if one of the boys in her grade will eventually be her future husband. The one time she received an answer, she appeared positively distressed.

Millicent Bulstrode stays up late at night, when the other Slytherin girls are sleeping, trying to alter her robes to make them more flattering to her shape.

Cedric Diggory would stay up late in the Hufflepuff common room, helping first years with their homework and offering calm words in the days leading up to exams.

Poppy Pomfrey presents Dumbledore with a gift of baked cookies every Christmas and with homemade taffy on his birthdays.

Cho Chang has a picture of Cedric Diggory on her nightstand. She also keeps one of Harry Potter under her bed. Sometimes she places them side by side and sobs before placing Harry's back under her bed.

Dean Thomas deflects any questions about his family, his father in particular.

Oliver Wood slept with a Quaffle every night during his stay at Hogwarts.

Harry Potter rarely has a peaceful night's sleep. He often speaks during his dreams, an event that no one in his dormitory hears, except for Ron Weasley, who often lies awake and listens, his eyes wide.

Hermione Granger has the most organized quarters of any Hogwarts student. Ever.

There is much that Peeves has seen and done that will forever remain unknown to those he is tasked to protect. The chaos-bringer tells himself that he performs these duties merely to keep his foodstock of adolescent emotional turmoil healthy and ripe, but even he only half-believes himself these days.

There's an old Muggle saying, something about always hurting the ones you love.

Inwardly, Peeves would agree, only his love is manifested by the occasional dung bomb, rude song, or falling statue.