The Recordings of Draco Malfoy's Life... If He Lived with Me

December 22, 2003

Unsure what happened... Last thing I know is Dumbledore saying something about living with Muggles, Father's cane hitting several people, and Snape looking at me in a smug, superior manner. Nothing new there... But now I don't know where I am... I don't think I'm in Hogwarts anymore... I remember falling asleep and then waking up at a doorstep next to a journal and a piece of parchment. Perhaps I'm supposed to give the parchment to the residents of this place. Great, now all I need is a disgusting mark on my head and I'm Potter. This better not be the Muggle world. Will write when I figure out what's going on...

Later that day...

AH! I'M IMPRISONED AT A MUGGLE HOUSE! DUMBLEDORE HAS TRULY GONE MAD! HE IS MAKING ME LIVE HERE!

The letter was from Snape. Apparently he was trapped here during the summer. Giving me some pointers and some warnings and saying something about bringing something called Angelo with me when I come back to Hogwarts. I want to leave! My father won't let them keep me here. I know he won't. They can't keep me here... Can they?

Now that I've got that out of my system, I am invisible to the Muggle eye, so none of the residents can see me here. Well, except for one person. How else would I have been able to figure out why I'm here? The Muggle's name is Nikie. Truly depressing name, really. Such a bland and boring name. According to "Nikie" I am here to keep her entertained during the Holiday break.

I scoffed and told her to bugger off. She was not impressed by my vast vocabulary and explained her "situation." She has no social life and has a deal with Dumbledore that during the breaks that he is to send a person from Hogwarts over here to keep her from dying of boredom.

Stupid cow. Why couldn't Dumbledore just come over here and entertain her? But no send some innocent members of the Magical community for their torture. Psh. Crazy old loon.

Or even better! Why not send Mudblood Granger or the Muggle Friend Weasley or Potty Potter? They love Muggles so much, they should entertain them! It's not my fault this one hasn't any friends.

She just offered me some form of food. The letter from Snape doesn't say anything about avoiding food she offers... Hm... I shall test this before eating it myself... Isn't there a cat or something around here? According to this letter it says that I should keep my wand away from the cat. So where's the cat? This Nikie creature is holding a rather threatening object, so I will avoid testing things on her cat... Until tomorrow, then...

December 23, 2003

Discovered cat. It has found an unhealthy and slightly disturbing fondness for storing dead squirrels she maims and tortures in my trousers. I complained to Nikie and she just rolled her eyes and mumbled something about her cat becoming a delinquent. Unsure what she's talking about. There are still dead rodents in my trousers! Will definitely test food on cat; hope it's poisonous. Evil cat.

Hm... the cat refuses to eat said food. Perhaps this is a sign? The food is definitely poisonous. Drat, Nikie creature is looking over my shoulder. Will write later.

Later...

Just got told off for doing "odd and unsettling experiments" with my food. I was not. I was hiding it in corners and other places of the like hoping her glutton of a brother will find it and eat it so I would know whether it's safe or not. Apparently Muggles don't store food in bathroom cupboards or under toilets.

Muggles are supposed to be uncivilized and barbaric! How was I supposed to know that they don't keep their food in unsanitary places? Father tells me that Muggles use brooms to sweep! Muggles have no appreciation for the fine art of broomsticks. Barbaric, that's what it is.

Well, I explained to Nikie beast about my plan and she seemed a little surprised. Not angry, but curiously surprised. She then turned around and looked under the sink of the kitchen and found a frightening image. A little boy that closely resembled a small rhinoceros looking quite cramped in the small cupboard, hunched over a dish of brownies she gave me earlier.

Barbaric child.

Hm. She seems to agree because she said something that greatly resembled the said phrase to the odd thing. He said something about his mind controlling him. I would think his mind controlled him if he were anything aside from my visual, considering the fact that minds typically control the body. Or so Father says. Then there's always his usual added remark, "but then again, minds can also be controlled by the right influence." Muahaha. Such an evil, powerful dark wizard Father is.

Nikie has come back to the kitchen table where I am presently sitting and sat next to me. What greater power gives her the authority to sit next to me? I wouldn't mind knowing. She gave me a quick glare, and then started laughing insanely. I am truly worried for this creature's sanity.

"As funny as your little stunt was, Draco, I would appreciate it if it didn't happen again. My parents would freak," she said. Funny, am I? Psh! I was trying to make sure whether I was going to die of food poisoning or of starvation!

Now she is trying to reassure me that she doesn't poison food she gives out. Nasty little remark: "Well, not to people I ask to visit, at least." Hm. She gave me an evil smirk that greatly resembles Father's. Well, if she is as evil as Father is and as evil Snape claims, I don't think this trip will be all too bad.

December 25^th

I hate Christmas in the Muggle world. Mother and Father didn't send me loads of presents like they normally do. Nikie says that owls would look suspicious coming to her house in the middle of the day. Probably right. They at least could have gone and sent me them by Muggle post. Will they set aside their politics for their only son?

"Probably not," Nikie says. "They're probably trying to make themselves a new heir considering their only son has gone to the Muggle world. Might think you'll go soft." I hate Nikie. And what makes me hate her even more is that she's likely to be right.

Well, maybe I don't hate her. She's giving me chocolate and says she'll take me shopping with her money. Now we are going to go see a "movie." Whatever that is. It is called "Peter Pan" and it's about a boy who never grew up and lives at a special island called Neverland.

Funny, it sounds like the place Mother and Father threatened me with if I don't live up to the Malfoy name.

Later...

Came back from "movie." Quite fascinating, really. I thought it really was magic! Nikie laughed at me and told me that if I weren't careful I'd turn out to be like Arthur Weasley. Scary thought.

Captain Hook looked suspiciously like Father with a goatee, brown hair, and a fluffy pirate's hat. Now she's smirking superiorly at me in a manner that is making me slightly uneasy. Or maybe it's all the chocolates I ate earlier. Either way, I feel rather ill. Nervousness and chocolates: bad combination.

Will write back when feeling better....

December 27^th

Went shopping! Fun shopping! New STUFF! Very nice. Personal hygiene products. Things Father and Mother failed to get me. Got new:

Studly man scent

Hair gel

Hair glittery gel stuff (to make my hair shinier and more beautiful than it already is)

Anti-acne stuff that Nikie claims to work (don't want to look like Eloise Midgen, do I?)

Concealer (just in case anti-acne stuff doesn't work. Hide unsightly unfortunate side effects of being harmonically driven teenager, and all)

Sleepy lotion that is supposed to help you sleep and makes your skin baby soft whilst sleeping (as if my skin isn't already soft)

Face scrubby stuff to rub skin raw so it is fresh and clean

And much, much more. Wizard world needs to pick up these things, very useful and smell good too! I also got cosy pyjamas with dragons on them! They also have a better pyjama selection than the Wizarding world. Memo to self: burn this when return home, must not risk this getting under Mother's nose when she searches mattresses for sign of kept secrets.

I am going to go treat myself to an at home spa using new hygiene products. Then I will take a nap to let sleepy lotion work its magic (ha!). Will write with results...

December 28^th

AH! Face feels tingly! Little black dots on nose are gone! Hair feels like old chinchilla that mother turned into a pair of gloves and smells funny! SKIN'S NATURAL MARKS AND BUMPS ARE GONE! I'M MUTATING!

...Wait, no. I'm clean... hmm... Cleanliness is a new factor I will have to get used to. Nikie is finding my reaction quite humorous. She has an odd sense of humour. Sadistic twit. Ah well, it'll all be over soon... ONE MORE WEEK TILL I GO BACK TO HOGWARTS!

I'm so happy I could sing. Just like when I found out about Hagrid having an illegal dragon. Life is good. Next step is finding out who the Hell Angelo is...

Later...

Asked Nikie who Angelo was. She looked at me like an overgrown confused rabbit, frightening really. Then she suddenly looked all knowing again. She has a tendency to do that a lot.

Anyways... she handed me a spiny plant in a pot. "This," she said, "is Angelo."

A plant. I reread Snape's letter and spent most of the letter talking about Angelo as if it were his faithful hippogriff or something. But no, it's a plant. Named Angelo.

Cold-evil-dark-secret-Death-Eater-Head-of-Slytherin-Potions-Master-of-Hogwarts-who-threatens-us-with-poison-every-chance-he-gets-Professor Snape has a pet plant named Angelo. Ahem. Allow me to tell you how odd this is. This is his letter he gave me about living here.

Dear Mr. Malfoy,

Unfortunately you are to become Miss Nikie's second victim of torture. Luckily, you are to stay there for only two weeks, I however, had to stay there for a month. Feel privileged. So, as your Head of House, teacher, and elder, I will advise you to: stay a safe distance from the cat, do not get on Nikie's bad side, and whatever you do, when Miss Nikie offers you the power to look yourself up on the internet, refrain from doing so. You will sorely regret it if you don't.

Oh yes, I have one favour I ask of you. I have left behind someone of great value to me. His name is Angelo. If you could bring him back with me, I would be very pleased and I will ensure that Slytherin wins the House cup this year and give you Quidditch time to your heart's desire. Angelo means everything to me for he is my life's only happiness. Angelo is a great friend and wonderful to be around, and I'm sure once you meet him you will agree. If I find out that you have mutilated my dear Angelo in any way, shape or form, I will "borrow" your father's cane that he loves to hit people with so much, and use it against you and then leave the country and change my name, so don't think you could sick your mother on me. Believe me when I say that Angelo is worth more than you and every Knut he cost, so I will not hesitate before harming you if I find Angelo in worse than top condition. As I said before, Angelo is very dear to me, and I trust that you can handle him fine. He is easy to take care of. Just give him enough water until he is damp. That is all he needs. But I'm sure it wouldn't kill you if you read to him or sang to him, or even talk to him for he is very intelligent, though he does not say much himself, he will listen.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter and good luck with the Muggles.

Sincerely,

Professor S. Snape.

I thought he was talking about some weird animal you'd find in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, but not a plant.

I can see it in the Daily Prophet now: Most Unpopular Teacher of Hogwarts Holds His Only Love for Angelo, the Bi-Colour Dracaena. My God, Snape needs to get laid. If I weren't afraid he'd stay true to his word and beat me to a bloody pulp with Father's cane, I'd just leave it behind to rot.

I don't know how much a Knut is to a cent, but this thing cost only four dollars in American Muggle terms. I don't think that is very much. Whatever. Hm... Nikie is snickering evilly and telling me to follow her. Wonder what's up. Will write later...

December 29^th

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *deep breath* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm done now. Nikie made me look up myself on the Internet. Internet is a weird Muggle thing where you can look things up and talk to other people. Anyways, I am too shaken to talk about Muggle technology (as if I know anything about the subject). So I did as she said, typed in my name: D-R-A-C-O M-A-L-F-O-Y and a thingy came up and there was stuff about Potter and stuff about books and stuff about some guy called "Tom Felton" and a website called "Fan Fic for the Harry Addicts...includes: Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Severus Snape..." Nikie made me click on that. Asked her how to do that, she said I move the mouse to the phrase and click it.

Nearly wet myself when she told me I was supposed to touch a mouse. Then she showed me silver thingy with two buttons on it next to the "key board". I told her that Muggles need to go to the improper use of Magic department because they mutilated the poor thing. She rolled her eyes at me and said it was just called a mouse. I asked her why and she tried to explain. Then she glared at me and just told me to use the damned mouse. Psh. Poor mouse. I still don't understand.

Spent another hour trying to figure out how to use the damned thing. After I figured out how to use the "mouse" I clicked on the "link" and a bunch more links came up with little descriptions for stories about Potter and other people in Hogwarts.

Freaked out that Muggles knew about the Magical world and demanded to go home and tell Father so he could kill them all. She rolled her eyes at me again (she does that a lot) and clicked on a link. I didn't see what it was called, but then she forced me to read it.

It was something about ME. But I was fluffy and in love with Potter. Quite disturbing. There was a very descriptive chapter about Potter and I having sex. Very, very, VERY, VERY sickening. Wound up gagging. Nikie found it funny.

Sadistic cow.

Well, I finished reading it. It was mainly a pornography. And I found out the name. It was called "Harry and Draco's Great Adventure." Hm... Should be called "Draco Malfoy's Erotic Hell: A Pornography." And it wasn't just about Potter and I. Granger came in at some point too. Same with Weasley Girl. Weasel, himself, came in, too. Hell, the entire Hogwarts population got into our bed at some point. I'm amazed that no one fell out of it. Hm... I am feeling rather uncomfortable in my pants right now and I am rather sweaty.

Have you realized I've gone with out a shag for three weeks?! That's simply unhealthy! Nikie just walked in with tea and crumpets. I wonder what she'd look like in a French Chamber Maid uniform...

AHHHHH!!! Excuse me; I need to hit my head on something very hard.

I'm back. Ow...head hurts... Yuck. I'm going mad. I need to leave soon. Imagine what Father and Mother would say if they found out I was attracted to a Muggle for a split second?! I'm going to go take a nice, cold shower.

January 3^rd

I haven't been able to write lately. I found a fan fic website (that's what the thingies are that come on the screen after you click on are called) without much sex. Very nice. I am no longer painfully aware of what's below my belt. These stories are mainly rated R and down.

Memo to self: When back at Hogwarts, find Blaise Zabini.

A lot of the "ship" fics involve Snape and Granger or Potter. Quite amusing. The really scary ones are the ones including me and Granger or the Weasley girl. I avoid those ones, needless to say. But there are quite a few about Snape and Father, which is quite disturbing, but as I read more of them, it makes me wonder...

I became rather attached to one about Potter after the big war with the Dark Lord (as if Potter'd win anyway. Ha! But its still interesting, nonetheless) and how everything is Hell for him. Unfortunately, I went down with the Dark Lord, but Potter is miserable which is worth everything, even more than that plant thing, Angelo.

Anyways, Potter is miserable and life sucks for him. Very entertaining. I believe Potter dies in the end, but then that would be a happy ending and this author seems rather attached to making things even worse. Ah well.

Will write more after reading more fan fic. Addictive, this Internet world is.

January 5^th

I have to go back to Hogwarts now! THE AFTERMATH (name of hilarious Potter fan fic) ISN'T DONE YET! WAAAHHH!!!! NOOOO! I don't want to leave with this bloody story half way done! Ha ha! I've got a wonderful idea! Will bribe Nikie into "printing" it out for me and sending it to me! Now what to bribe her with...

I know! I'll send her father! It'll be sweet revenge. Will write back when bribe is settled...

Later...

Yes! Once she heard father is coming over, her eyes became wide as Galleons (which reminds me, I need to restock on those when I go back to Hogwarts to buy things at Hogsmeade) and she immediately said yes.

Excellent.

Well, must pack and get Angelo in a somewhat safe condition. He looks slightly droopy. Memo to self: steal Father's cane before Snape gets Angelo and Father finds out he's spending time out of Azkaban and at Muggle land.

Later...

Have things packed, Nikie somehow got her hands on a Time-Turner and is going to come with me so she can meet Father without missing school.

Getting on train that goes overseas, Nikie is acting like an excited cocker spaniel. I had one of those once, but it piddled on mother's favourite lingerie and it soon became a new hat for father. I liked Millie. Nikie better not piddle on me.

Ow. Told Nikie this and she slapped me. Now half my face is bright red. MY FACE DOESN'T MATCH!

Double ow. Told Nikie she made my face mismatch, then she slapped my other cheek. Should have kept my mouth shut, shouldn't have I?

Train is leaving! So long, Muggle world! Hm... Angelo is drooping a little... Memo to self: Burn Father's cane before anyone knows I am here.

January 6^th

At King's Cross. Nikie is trying to talk in a British accent and failing dismally. Need to find Dumbledore. He said he was going to meet me here today...

There's the Muggle loving fool! That's what I said when I saw him and Nikie kicked me. I swear, she has it in for me lately. I think she made it harder than intended. But then again, she might have kicked me for hiding her knickers on the train. Honestly, it was only a joke.

"No it wasn't! It was a sick and immature humiliating prank. And you should think twice before being such a...such a...such a...BOY!" she shrieked at me this morning.

I told her that I was not a boy and scolded her for insulting me. I then realized what I was saying and now I have to listen to her taunts all day.

"I hope your trip was satisfactory," Dumbledore said. He's wearing a bright orange overcoat with green pinstriped pants and a purple button up office shirt with a yellow and pink tie. His fashion worries me. People are looking at him oddly. I think it might be the top hat that's worrying people.

"Did you know that Draco isn't a boy?" was the first thing Nikie said when she spoke to Dumbledore. I swear, if I wasn't afraid that my wand would back fire and kill myself, I'd use the Killing Curse on her. He looked down at her with a funny expression on his face. As if he was actually glad to see her. I haven't seen that look on anyone when looking at her.

"I did not know that you were so fond of Miss Nikie, Mr. Malfoy, to bring her home with you," Dumbledore told me. Psh. Old loon.

"Psh. Old loon," I told him, "we have a deal. I send her Father and she sends me the rest of something that was incomplete I was reading over there. She wanted to come home with Father. Unsure why..."

"I'm sure Lucius will be pleased," Dumbledore told Nikie. We had to stifle our laughter. Very hard. "And what is this you were reading? Severus has told me at great length about the interesting reading material in the Muggle world. I believe it is called 'fan fic'?"

Snape called it interesting? Hm. Apparently he didn't because Nikie let out an involuntary snort on accident. Dumbledore just smiled (old senile bat) and took stuck his wand out and the Knight Bus appeared at the curb.

Arrived at Hogwarts, Snape was waiting at the doors for us. He rushed to me when he saw my beautiful blonde head coming and demanded to see Angelo. Then he saw Nikie and shrieked and ran the other way back into the castle.

Is everybody around me going insane? Apparently so because everybody we came across ran in the opposite direction. Maybe it was Dumbledore's top hat that scared them all.

"Has Snape spread any rumours about me?" Nikie asked Dumbledore.

"Ah... Professor Snape did seem a little under the weather when he arrived September and told everyone he could to avoid a girl in her teens with brown hair and eyes with a cosmopolitan American accent if they ever saw one... Then he went to his dungeons babbling something about losing his dear friend, Angelo." Dumbledore answered. "Oh, I was wondering, Miss Nikie, if you wouldn't mind me asking, what exactly did you do to Severus when he spent the summer with you?"

Nikie looked shocked and insulted. She would make a very good Death Eater. Very good at acting innocent when she is well aware that she isn't.

"I did nothing to the poor fellow! All I did was show good hospitality and engaged him in friendly conversations!"

Ha! Such a lie! Very hard sustaining sarcastic snort, but I did because I doubt that Nikie would let Dumbledore stop her from slapping me again. And Dumbledore seemed convinced. Trusting old fool.

Dumbledore led us to his office. He told us to sit down and invited us to tea and crumpets as he Flooed the Malfoy manor (apparently Father managed to escape Azkaban while I was away). Father came over immediately and completely ignored Nikie.

"Lucius, glad you could come," Dumbledore said in that falsely delighted voice of his.

"Give me my son and I will be on my way," Father said coldly. I wonder what is stopping him from turning around, seeing me, and going back in the fire.

"Oh, Lucius, I'm afraid I can't do that," Dumbledore said, chuckling. Evil old bat.

"What? What do you mean?! He's my son! I may not be school governor anymore, Dumbledore, but I do have control over my son!" Father spat. Literally. Nikie cringed at the sight of Father's saliva. I have to admit, it was unsightly.

"I mean that your son has made a deal with Miss Nikie. Draco has offered Nikie a period of time with you under her hospitality, as she did with Draco and Severus, in exchange for Nikie to send him the finishing of something he became rather fond of whilst staying there."

"What?! And come back paranoid and mentally damaged like Snape?" Father finally turned around to see us. Nikie stood up and smiled at Father. Bad move. Muggles do not smile at Father and live. "Who are you?!" he demanded.

"This is Miss Nikie," Dumbledore introduced. "You will be going home with her tomorrow morning."

Father dropped his cane and his jaw. His expression was priceless. I took that opportunity to steal his cane with out him noticing.

"Hi!" Nikie said cheerfully. The look on Father's face was worth the cover of five Daily Prophets.

I never thought I'd say this about a Muggle, but I think I may be in love.