Two Old Friends

Chapter 13

Adriana, I notice, has a catlike grin as she traces over her coffee cup with her index finger. I think back on the night we have on mind with content.

"Yea," Adriana says, breaking the silence.

"Good times," I agree. We look up and meet each other's eyes. I stumble slightly. "Is this awkward?" Adriana seems to think on it.

"I don't think there's much to be awkward about, do you?" she asks. I shrug.

"I guess not."

"Do you not feel comfortable talking?" she asks gently.

"It's a new and questionable experience, I'll say that."

"Hm. Why didn't we ever do this before?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Because, I think I'd like to hear your excuse." I Stare at her, my mouth pursed as I try to mask my discomfort. Why didn't we ever talk? I know the answer: because we were scared to. Or, I was scared to, at least. And lord knows I tried to talk to her or at least wished her to talk to me, but she never did. When it came to Adriana and me, I revolved around Adriana's comforts and discomforts. If she was comfortable with something, then it happened whether I was or wasn't. If she was uncomfortable with something, then it was never mentioned without question. That's just how things worked. And since I didn't want to appear weak or express any uncertainty, I did as she followed. And that was that.

I could tell her all this now, but that just contradicts everything I say, doesn't it? And yet, not saying anything still contradicts everything. I don't want to admit there were weaknesses (although it is blindingly obvious that there were) between Adriana and me and that might bring discomfort to Adriana (and it most definitely will bring discomfort to me) and I have no wish to be the cause of it. However, if I keep my silence then I wouldn't be revolving around Adriana's comfort and prove my own discomfort.

I sigh. Perhaps I ought to change the subject.

"What's your excuse for getting us side tracked? What happened next? You had the kid, we finally shagged. Occlumency, am I wrong?" She looks at me critically, she can tell that I changed the subject on purpose, but she plays along.

"Yes, Occlumency."

~*~

"Adriana," I ask one day while she pored over law books.

"What?" she asked distractedly.

"Why did you tell me that I needed to learn Occlumency?"

"Because you are an open target for anyone who wants to look in your head."

"Ah. I suppose this is not a good thing."

"Not if you want to avoid Azkaban."

"Well, that's generous of you."

"What is?"

"You letting me know what my weakness is." She swivels around to look at me through her reading glasses.

"I suppose you want me to cure it?"

"What do you suggest?"

"I could teach you Occlumency."

"That's an idea," I said in mock thought. "When would you start?"

"Try blocking your mind," she said, pulling out her willow wand.

"What?" And then she waved her wand and I went in a sort of daze. I started seeing things from just a few days ago. She was mocking me. This angered me. As I could feel her spite inside my mind I felt disdainful and my bitterness grew and my awareness of my surroundings came stronger. Soon, I started seeing things from further back. As I tried to push her away, she continued to break everything down and get in deeper. I saw things I hadn't seen in a very long time. I saw my father, I saw my mother. I saw my bruised reflection in a cracked mirror. I saw everything I had spent my nineteen years of life (give or take a few years by the age of the memory) trying to force myself to forget. My anger started to mould into desperation as the haunting memories piled up on top of the other. My attempts at blocking them all broke down like feeble twigs and I felt cold and tired. I was beyond tears. It was so fast that I never actually started to cry, I was angry and then exhausted. Adriana must have sensed this and felt sympathetic and decided to lift it finally.

I blinked and found myself on the floor. I looked up at her, much to my revulsion, in confusion and betrayal. I can imagine that I looked like a puppy that was kicked and didn't understand why. She merely looked down at me, through her glasses, like I was just that. A puppy that was kicked. Her eyes were hard and slowly but surely, it dawned upon her what had just happened. Her superior demeanour had left and she had a look of horror of what she had just done. But she had covered it quickly and without apology.

"That is what it is like to have your mind pried open by a Legilimens. Most people who know what they're looking for and have no principles will not give you a warning and will do just that, destroy everything in their wake so they can get what they need," she explained as I slowly stood up. She didn't move, she remained in her seat, her eyes followed me as I drew myself up from the floor and although I towered over her, as I stood she did not move to feel less threatened.

"Fascinating," I said dryly. My tone was clipped and not different from the tone I later donned for my role as teacher.

"Miss! Miss Ana!" Birdie came rushing in, a crying Rosalyn in her tiny arms. She called her Ana, apparently it was a family pet name that Birdie never let go. Adriana looked at the house elf.

"Yes?"

"Baby Rosalyn is hungry and won't take formula."

"Thank you, Birdie. I'll take care of it," she said while holding her arms out for the child and cooed her to calm her down while unbuttoning her blouse with her left hand. Birdie curtsied and turned to me.

"Is there any dinner preparation Mister Snape wants Birdie to do or does Mister Snape want Birdie to go to the market?"

"Uhm..." I started, watching Adriana feed Rosalyn, "just peel some potatoes. I'll think of something later." The elf curtsied and scurried to the kitchen.

"We can work with Occlumency later," Adriana said, readjusting the babe.

"Mm, I can hardly wait." I sat down in the chair across the sofa.

"So..." I started after a few minutes of listening to Rosalyn's suckling. "Did you see everything I saw?"

"More or less."

"When did you learn Occlumency?" I asked curiously. She looked up at me before answering.

"My mother taught it to me when I was a little girl in Spain. I learned Legilimency on my own. I knew something was going on in the house and no one was telling me what, and so I figured I could find out that way. It didn't work. I most definitely didn't outstrip my mother; she had been practicing Occlumency for who knows how long... But that's another story."

"Ah." She looked up at me again and removed her reading glasses.

"In no way am I trying to ridicule you with this, Severus," she told me.

"I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to."

"Will you be teaching me Legilimency?" She smirked.

"If you want me to."

"Oh, how fun," I said with a smidgeon of cheer. She smiled again and looked down at the baby at her breast.

"It'll be sad when I wean her and these things won't look as good as they do now," she said. I laughed.

"I'll still like them."

"You're quite the charmer." We both laughed then.

Everyday since then, we spent an hour or more practicing. She wasn't as brutal as she was the first time. She was much more gentle and slow. This irritated me. I felt ridiculed when she went slow like that, as if she thought I couldn't handle it. In all truth, I most definitely couldn't have handled it if she continued with the harsh and cruel way she went about things while giving me a sampler. I knew this deep down, but I have never been satisfied with my educators and Adriana was no exception. I wanted this knowledge and I wanted it fast, but this was not a talent that could be learned fast. It needed patience and steadiness so I wouldn't become emotionally destroyed.

"Severus, stop taking it so seriously," she told me irritably. "Just take it slow. I'm not going to go so hard on you. Just keep up a wall and make sure you pace yourself so you don't exhaust yourself. Again." And so we did it again, and again, and again. But I kept throwing up my wall violently and quickly and it would break almost immediately.

"If you keep on doing it so fast like that the person trying to break through will not only succeed but know that you have something to hide. Do you want that?" she demanded.

"I am not a child," I growled.

"Then stop fucking acting like one! Just do as I ask you and you won't get like this. This is fucking serious shit, and if you don't take care of it the way I am instructing you to do so, you can seriously hurt yourself. I know what I'm fucking doing!"

"I don't need this shit from you," I told her.

"I don't need it from you, either. I could very easily let you run around being a Death Eater all you want and wander into Albus Dumbledore, a very talented Legilimens, let me remind you, and you will find yourself in a cell in Azkaban before you can even think of a brick. But I'm not going to do that unless you make me, and you're very much on the edge right now."

"Are you threatening me?"

"I'm stating facts," she said coldly. I glared at her. We spent a good time glaring at each other until a wail from the cot in the corner erupted. Our glare was broken as she went to tend to it.

"And I wouldn't be so fucking pissed like this if I got a fuck once in a while!" I suddenly burst. She spun around like a top, holding Rosalyn. Her eyes were wide and she slowly stepped forward.

"You know my reasoning for that, Severus. I've told you and I've thanked you for your patience," she said. She barely spoke above a whisper and it sounded positively frightening, like a snake slithering through grass and you know that at any moment she can strike. "But if you're running out of patience, then I'm afraid I can leave. I can very easily take care of myself and leave your mind unguarded and leave you to pay for your sex again. Would you rather that I stay and wait until I am comfortable with that again or would you rather rape me while I lay in the bed blushing and cold?"

"I never said anything about rape," I growled, almost as deadly as she. "I've been patient, but it's been almost half a year. My patience lasts for only so long." She pursed her lips at me as she stared me down. She then decided to take Rosalyn upstairs and locked herself in the bedroom.

I swore loudly and kicked the foot rest.

A day later or so, I was forced to apologize. She grudgingly accepted it and we both tried to keep our cool as we gave Occlumency another go. With our forced kindness, I started to progress. I managed to keep her from seeing my first shag (a birthday present from Lucius when I turned sixteen). She looked at me with amusement. Soon our forced kindness turned back into its normal kindness. We came back to friendly terms and teased each other. She spent a lot of her time teasing me about my memories. I was left only to roll my eyes.

Within a few months, I had almost perfected my craft. Of course Adriana then decided that it was time to use her full force against me until my wall broke. I was not excited.

"All right, I'm not going to warn you," she said one morning. I was hardly awake enough to acknowledge her and randomly around the house I felt her prying into my head. I took this and came to the conclusion that she was going to catch me off guard. This most definitely helped my paranoid persona in my later years form itself.

Finally, the big day came. Before she went to bed, we had our places in the living room. We locked eyes and I let her seep into my mind as I slowly raised my wall. Slowly, I saw less memories and they were replaced with random fluff. She started to force it more and more and the stupider my memories became. The technique was to make new memories to give the Legilimens to see. After a gruelling forty-seven minutes, she gave up. I was exhausted. She helped me upstairs and I went to bed instantly.

"You did good. But you'll need to learn to do it without passing out," she whispered in my ear. I grunted. She kissed my head and made a move to leave, but I managed to grab her hand. I pulled her into bed with me.

"Severus--" she started.

"No, no. Nothing to worry about," I grunted from my pillow. "Just sleep in here tonight."

"But what if Rosa cries?" she asked.

"If she does, then you can get up. The child is nearly a year old, she'll recover if you miss her fussing." She sighed reluctantly and lied back in the bed with me. I had my arm around her and we both drifted off to sleep.

I felt vulnerable during the hours we spent on Occlumency and I hated every minute of it, but it was helping. This Occlumency was helping me numb myself from the work I did for the Dark Lord. This Occlumency also helped on a deeper level. I cared for Adriana, but there were some things that we couldn't talk about. This helped with that. We didn't have to talk about it, but we understood where we came from. Well, she understood me (or at least I hoped she did) and that meant I didn't have to speak my soul to her on late nights. And hopefully, one day, I would be able to practice Legilimens on her. She would never let that happen. She was an excellent Occlumens and someone like me wouldn't be able to break through her barriers with a sledge hammer, and she liked it like that.

I never completely understood why Adriana was so secretive, but that's just how she was. I had to learn to accept it. I did accept it and I never wanted to disturb it, so I never questioned anything more than I thought would be acceptable. She was antsy about her life before she came to England and I guess that would be because she didn't want those happy years to be contaminated. All I knew about Adriana's childhood is that her father was interested in the Dark Lord and was called over to England where the family had eventually settled. That was when everything went wrong and her father got abusive and her world started to fall apart. She told me all this one night I convinced her to stay in my room.

"At least you had the luxury of knowing a decent family life," I told her. She shook her head. She sat on the bed, her legs crossed and I was lying down on my side with my head propped on one hand and my other on her knee, circling her knee cap with my finger.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I was not lucky for that. If anything, that made me hurt even more because I knew what I could have and what I had lost." She looked at the door and as if on cue, Rosalyn started bawling. She got up immediately and didn't come back to bed. I rolled over and let that be that.