Ache No More

September 13^th, 1978

Lily had spent a wonderful morning shopping in Diagon Alley. There was something wonderful in knowing that, regardless of the violence spreading so easily in their world, witches could still take their mind off the fear and the horror for few hours, taking joy in actions as simple as trying on a new dress or choosing a new book.

It was almost a miracle that she managed to get free of James' hyper-protective streak for a few hours; her boyfriend would never have let her go if she'd told him she was going by herself. Purebloods and their ancient chivalry! She was perfectly able to defend herself - and she needed some time for herself, to just be Lily Evans, not Potter's neurotic girlfriend. She loved him, but sometimes it felt as if James was taking over her whole life, drawing her into his orbit and erasing all that she thought she'd be. It wasn't entirely his fault; it was the war, with tensions and suspicions pushing everybody and everything beyond ordinary bounds. James had already lost his parents, and Lily was risking hers. At any other time she would be grateful for the insistence with which James had pulled her into his world, for the comfort of his love and the support offered by his unwavering friends.

Today, instead, it was okay to be just Lily Evans, because she knew it wouldn't last long. Not to judge by the ring James had been carrying around hidden in his pocket for at least the past week, full of the jitters, or by the muttered conversations she had occasionally surprised him having with Sirius. James Potter would propose and Lily Evans would say yes, there was never the slightest doubt about it in her head; they were in love and as happy together as any couple could be in their circumstances, even with the Death Eaters threatening to tear apart wizarding Britain. There was not a lot of time to lose.

So she just had to wait it out and enjoy her final days of independence.

Lily went to Slug and Jiggers Apothecary and was investigating with vivid curiosity the new arrivals lined up on the innumerable shelves when she saw Him.

She had turned, one hand curled around a jar of wormwood, trying desperately to remember if her supply of hellebore was about used up when she spotted a familiar dark, greasy-looking head. Her eyes focused on a black-cloaked figure and there as no doubt in her mind: the tall man across the room was Severus Snape.

Lily turned her head away swiftly, half-tempted to hide behind the nearest shelf. Certainly it would be stupid beyond belief; she couldn't possibly be afraid of someone whom she used to blackmail into braiding her hair. She looked again; Severus was talking with a certain Lucius Malfoy and his pale, expressionless face spoke for him, his mouth barely moving. Lily could imagine his voice was just as void of expression, yet smooth enough to distract any listener's senses.

It was one of the things she had first noticed about him, when they were children and he enchanted her evenings with tales of the wizarding world; she would look up from a book to his face and his features would be unreadable, even while his voice wrapped silkily around legends and ancient customs, spells and forgotten lineages, gently coaxing her imagination into unimagined universes.

The powerful wave of anger that surged within her chest and violently invaded her heart caught her by surprise.

How could you, Severus?

She almost felt an urge to saunter up and shake him hard, to demand what he was doing with his life.

You're not like them! You never have been, you never will be!

She wanted to scream at him about how his father was still a Muggle, and the blood of any Snape he cared to name was no less "muddy" than hers. But it wasn't her place to act that way, not today, not here; they were nothing to each other now. Severus had stopped trying to win her trust back when she started dating James. He had ignored her since then; if they so much as casually crossed paths his gaze barely touched her, as if she was without significance, unworthy of the slightest interest. For all she knew, that was exactly what he thought now; after all, it was he who had started slipping through her fingers little by little, with his obsessive interest in the Dark Arts and the snobbish, questionable company he kept. It was he who had betrayed her friendship, at a time when she had virulently despised James and Sirius out of loyalty toward a best friend who refused to confess to her how far their bullying went.

"I don't need help from a filthy little Mudblood," Severus had told her on one of those days, but Lily's ears barely registered the horrible insult; his rejection thundered in her mind. No, the contempt embedded in his voice was what felt like a slap - the poison she used to sense so often in his words when he spoke of his father, suddenly directed at her, she who had always been his confidante, his refuge.

Reminiscence stung again and Lily was suddenly ashamed of feeling so much for someone who didn't really exist any more. The man who stood not too far from her might be a Death Eater already, and she wouldn't be able to tell the difference because his mind was like a blank slate to her.

What's happened to you, Sev? What has made you hate me - made you hate yourself so much that you would fall so low? What have you done with the weasel who won over my mum by Transfiguring roses for her, just so he could stay for dinner?

Here he was, not the same boy who shared her summers and her secrets, and the spunky, trusting girl she used to be was gone with him. If for nothing else, she should hate him for that. Yet when their gazes clashed for the shortest moment Severus felt nothing like a stranger. Lily could have sworn she was spotted and recognized, but then he dismissed her, leaving her with nothing but a bitter taste on her tongue.

The usual....

She squared her shoulders, shaking off the weird déjà vu-like sensation, turning away from a scene which was of no concern to her. Her pace was swift but confident as her feet carried her out of the Apothecary; the door was already closed behind her back before she realized she had not made any of the purchases she had intended to. She walked on in the sunlight.

Her mind held the image of a sallow-skinned stranger with an eternally frowning face and frigid onyx eyes. It overlapped with another picture: a skinny, sharp-witted child who smiled rarely and when he did it was because of her; his smile lit up a whole room...her whole world.

"Sev, we're going to be friends forever, right? Even if Hogwarts isn't all it's cracked up to be?" she'd whispered in his ear one of those nights before they left for their first adventure away from home, her heart hammering with both excitement and the fear that she wouldn't fit in at their new school. He had silently crawled inside her bedroom through her window and they hid under the covers, innocently holding on to each other in the darkness.

"Gee, Lily, why are you picking today to act like a girl? Of course our friendship will last forever! We make the best team!"

"Promise?"

Her memory blended those two faces, so different, and they blurred into a rich, mournful mist.

"This is not hatred," she muttered to herself as she walked along.